Gawker: defamer, connor cruise

Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Throw Bash For Everyone In Hollywood Who Secretly Hates Them, Including Suri

Molly Friedman — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:55:00 EDT

When the Count and Countess of Scientology throw a party, they do not set out plastic lawn chairs and serve crustless honey-drenched finger sandwiches. No, when TomKat decide to invite all of their friends and frenemies (and even some enemies!) over for a daytime soirée, the Knights of Hubbard throw the kind of party that puts everyone from the Royal Family to Donatella Versace to shame. On Saturday afternoon, TomKat decided to congratulate themselves on purchasing yet another of their many ~~torture chambers~~ loving households in Beverly Hills by hosting the likes of Kirstie “I Should Be Dead” Alley, Oprah “Never Forget” Winfrey, Victoria “Posher Than Katie” Beckham, and Jennifer “Marc Is Sick Again” Lopez. And putting aside Suri’s adorably Croc-like sandals and her ongoing tendency to appear just as frightened of her father as the rest of the world, this A-list party’s most impressive attributes were the pimped out rides. After the jump, a collection of the invitees in their modes of transportations, and a sampling of just how much security goes into protecting their Friends and Foes from Xenu’s ominous Orwellian eye:

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

Katie Holmes' Attempt To Flee The Scientology Kingdom: A Tragedy In Three Parts

Molly Friedman — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:30:00 EDT

Looks like it’s time to reopen the case of Suri Cruise and the Toxic Scientology Bottles. After seeing this photo of Katie Holmes and her tiny dancer, we couldn’t help but notice the presence of an actual sippy cup. Why is this news so glorious? You see, most babies tend to go from nipple to bottle to sippy cup to the wine glass you’re currently holding. But Hubbard's Parenting Book tells Scientology moms like Holmes to rot their kids' teeth with honey instead, a method Holmes had been following obediently. But before we could celebrate Suri's freedom and Katie's long-awaited rebellion against Overlord Tom and his disco-dancing minions, Cruise suddenly descended on their escape attempt clutching an asbestos-stuffed rabbit that made Suri cry. The dramatic series of events, in pictures, after the jump.

As it turns out, Katie and Suri picked an odd moment to make their escape. True, the pair were allowed to take tap dancing lessons together without supervision, but they were on the set of Tom's Other Child Connor's big break in (coincidence!) Cruise BFF Will Smith's new movie. And, as we can see, Tom hardly let his girls get very far before swooping in from his perch atop a trailer and distracting Suri with a pink bunny. Katie appears to put up a halfhearted fight for a moment, but Tom predictably wins the battle, removing Suri from her escape wagon and most likely, plucking that sippy cup from her little hands and crushing it with his famous air-punching fist.

[Photo credits: X17]

SURI CRUISE MOVES FROM BOTTLE TO SIPPY CUP [Us]

Tom Cruise Rewards Daughter For Baby Bottle Sobriety

Douglas Reinhardt — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:30:00 EDT

boomp3.com

While visiting his son, Connor, on the set of his first film Seven Pounds, Tom Cruise and the rest of the Cruise clan also celebrated Suri going without a baby bottle for two days. According to sources on the scene, Suri only displayed minor withdrawals symptoms, but Suri's mother, Katie, appeared to be showing all the signs of withdraw; Katie told friends on set that she's been having trouble sleeping lately. Cruise was all smiles and decided to reward Suri with a stuffed animal and told Suri that if she makes it a full month, she may get own helicopter.

[Photo Credit: X17]

By Sheer Coincidence, Tom Cruise's Son Lands Role In Will Smith's Next Movie

Molly Friedman — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:45:00 EDT

The last time we were allowed a brief glimpse into the mysterious lives of Tom Cruise's "other" kids, the news wasn't pretty. Harvey Levin and his TMZ minions were pointing out their awkward adolescence and homelessness, even going as far as to making a crack about their "frizzy" hair. But following in his defiant father's footsteps, 13-year old Connor Cruise is fighting back against all those media meanies by reportedly scoring a plum role in the upcoming Will Smith vehicle, Seven Pounds. And as happy as we are that Connor finally realized playing soccer while surrounded by paparazzi wasn't likely to turn into a full-time career, we're somewhat suspicious of Tom's claims that Connor scored the part of potential Scientologist/Cruise buddy Smith "all on his own"...

According to People, Connor went through the audition process just like every other nobody pounding the kid star pavement and, lo and behold, won the part of playing a young Will Smith in the film. We hate to play the cynical card here, but there is one giant elephant in that casting room. Seven Pounds also stars he of the firmest buttocks in the land, Woody Harrelson, and internet TV star Rosario Dawson. So how did Connor, a kid whose acting experience has thus far been limited to pretending he loves his kooky dad, nail the part? Something tells us Cruise's all-powerful wizardly ways as gifted to him by the late King Hubbard, may include the ability to whisper evil nothings in Will's ear, leading to an instantaneous confirmation that Connor is The One. Call it a conspiracy theory, but we're just pondering out loud (well, pondering silently at our laptops, but you catch our drift).

CONNOR CRUISE IS MAKING HIS BIG SCREEN DEBUT [People]

The 'Other' Cruise Kids Make Sudden, Sad Appearance After a Year Spent in Hiding

mollyf — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:13:05 EST

Just when you thought no one could possibly be having a worse winter than Tom Cruise, what with movie flops, creeptastic videos and that whole Nazi thing further ruining his already ruined image, here comes Harvey Levin to shed some light on how his "other" kids have it even rougher! Gone are the days when we were bombarded with one-big-happy pics of Tom and Katie at son Connor's soccer games, or shots of awkward-but-jolly daughter Isabella trailing behind Katie at the couple's nups in Italy. So where in the world have they been? Camping out with Alexa Ray Joel and Al Gore, Jr. in some sort of refuge for MIA celebrity kids? In this clip from TMZ, we get some answers.

After respectfully pointing out the 11 and 13 year-olds' current state of "awkward adolescence," TMZ clues us in on the adopted duo's deliberate escape from the cameras: into the bony arms of mom Nicole Kidman in Australia! Which is actually sad, since Nicole's preggers with yet another "real" kid. So not only are the orphans kinda homeless, shamed out of their otherwise normal Hollywood lives by their dad, taken in out of pity by their mom, but they have to go through all this with (gasp!) frizzy hair. It might just be that time for Connor and Izzy to grow a collective pair and find their real parents. At this rate, even Howard Stern (either one, really) would be a better role model.