Old No.7 on IMDb Now Offering Megan Fox Career Commentary: Was the Starmeter around for Anne Heche (Psycho)?

Inhaler on Meet Natalia Montalvo, Your Hourly Vegas Date!: The Rihanna picture we've all been waiting for. Chris Brown, you are a monster.

el smrtmnky on Airbrush Tool Tipped To Win Based On 'Dancing With The Stars' Promo Shots: It's like they were dressed in scarves previously worn by lamps at a gyspy brothel.

kookla on Airbrush Tool Tipped To Win Based On 'Dancing With The Stars' Promo Shots: Just based on the first three pictures of Steve O, Lil Kim and Denise Richards, I see that Adobe Photoshop has added an STD filter to the effects pallette.

couchtamale on Zack Snyder Promises Giant, 'Hardcore' Blue Wang In Uncut 'Watchmen': I met him once off of Craig's List. He lied about the color.

Congratulations to our winners!

Syrax on 'Osbournes Reloaded' Gets Around WGA by Hiring Staff of Shit-Flinging Monkeys: I'll wait for Osbournes Revolutions, where the lead stars die in the end.

SunnydaZe10 on 'Lindsay Lohan is Our Dream Star!' Says 'Elm Street' Producer About to be Cussed Out by Michael Bay: Even though I think she will be perfect in the part, I thought Freddy Krueger was always played by Robert Englund??

NoWireHangers on Experience The Phyllis J. McGuire Mystique: Move over Brenda Dickson! Phyllis J. McGuire has Charo's face, Barbra's nails, Beyonce's bling, Kathy Lee's hair circa 1985, and the Easter Bunny's hide.

I can't tell if this photo was taken with a soft focus lens, or it her sweater and hair are radiating fur and aquanet, receptively.

Flawless.

Old No.7 on A Tale Of Two Grammys: Radiohead Bludgeons The Jonas Brothers: I bet Stevie wished he was deaf last night, as well.

busterbluth on Sharon Stone Slaps 'Slumdog' Star In Red-Carpet Mating Ritual: London is a great place to eat Indian.

Congratulations to our winners!

everfade on Your First Look at Mariah Carey's Actually Respectable Performance In 'Push'!: This role must've been very draining on Mariah. Having to wear all those clothes.

NigelAstydameia on Kevin Smith Sells Out The Weinsteins In Latest 'Zack and Miri' Lament: If I want to watch fat people cry, I'll watch "The Biggest Loser."

Mr.Fluffy on Are These The French Funbags That Will Win Mickey An Oscar?: The blonde appears to be a member of SAG.

kookla on 'Can You Share Any Turkey-Basting Stories From Your Own Life?': Working Title: The Baster is Not That Into You Either

Magister on Defamer Rates The Super Bowl Porn That Accidentally Aired In Arizona: That was a thigh-slapper.

Congratulations (and an "OHHHHH GOOOOD!") to our winners!

· procrastinator, esq. on Bart Simpson Pushes Scientology: 'Don't Have A Thetan-Ridden Cow, Man!': I prefer it when Julie Kavner uses her nagging Marge Simpson voice to leave me voicemail messages reminding me to go to temple on the High Holidays.

· SumitaSurtur on 'The Office' Porn Features Almost As Many Couplings As The Actual 'Office': Why in god's name is this not called The Orifice?

· Old No.7 on Sherri Shepherd Teaches Daytime Audience How To Position Oneself In A Sling: This same technique is also utilized by marine biologists to return beached whales back to the sea.

· kookla on Bill O'Reilly Challenges Jessica Alba's Knowledge of European Peace-Keeping: If anyone has been in an IKEA lately, you would totally understand what Alba means when she says Sweden is neutral.

· Eric D. Snider on Paris Hilton Certain That Reality TV Chef Is British Prime Minister: She better be careful in England. As an inbred, lazy-eyed, undeservedly wealthy attention whore, she's liable to be mistaken for royalty.

Congratulations to our winners!

HandsomeBwonderful on Courtenay Semel And Casey Johnson Find Non-Flammable Peace At Sundance: Boy, their kids will be hideo— oh, yeah. There is a god.

el smrtmnky on Jessica Alba's O'Reilly-Bashing Inspires Unfamiliar New Feelings Of Respect: brava, alba! that was your best performance since...whew. that a girl!

thesuspiciouspackage on Benjamin Bratt Needs Hug After Devastating 'Push': It's wonderful to see Mo'Nique following up on the promise she demonstrated in BEERFEST.

Victor Ward on John Krasinski Is A Hideous Man: "If Wallace's prose here taught us anything, it's that no one can stay mad at an amputee." Paul McCartney would like to politely disagree.

SunnydaZe10 on WB To Outsource 800 Jobs To Poland's Notoriously Unsympathetic I.T. Industry:

Dear Colleagues:

We'd like to take a moment and provide some follow-up information to the memo you received earlier this month regarding the fact we have gone BUST. We are very sad to announce that based on the global economic situation and current business forecasts, the SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN.

We hear "The Cheesecake Factory" is currently accepting applications.

Best of luck.

Sincerely,

"The Guy Who Owns Five Cherry Red Diablo Roadsters With Fuchsia Pink Interior"

· thesuspiciouspackage on Kate Winslet Waxes, Sean Penn Wanes and Other Curious Golden Globes Implications: "Just a word of thanks for your continued open loathing of Revolutionary Road, which was in and of itself a badly-administered home abortion."

· stchoo on 'Access Hollywood' Eager To Perv All Over Teenage 'Twilight' Star: "Poor guy is gonna end up with what Meatloaf got in Fight Club."

· OldTowneTavern on Jeremy Piven Fishes For Redemption With Diane Sawyer: "I have a wonky B.S. detector because I was sitting there thinking, 'Poor man. He was living his dream and now this.'"

· NoWireHangers on Tyler Perry Still Having Trouble Settling On Mrs. Right: "Maybe the next time he's wig shopping he can try flirting with the salesgirl. Love can bloom when and where you least expect it."

· scroll_lock on One Of Oprah's Favorite Things: Crack?: "The only drug she's been ingesting is a gross of Ben & Jerry's with a Hostess chaser."

A word of caution about your prize: Don't bend Glenn's limbs all the way back—they do eventually snap off. Congratulations to our winners!

Our winners:

· DarkKnightShyamalan on A Tasting Guide to the GOP's Hot New Pop-Culture Site, 'Big Hollywood': Good god, there's a Congressman named Thaddeus G. McCotter? I thought that was just a character played by a giant-mustached Clooney in a lesser Coen Brothers flick.

· Tiger_Tanaka on Critics Gone Wild: The Top 10 of Top 10 Lists of 2008, Part I: "Visceral and vital, this über-blockbuster is both cultural touchstone and preeminent example of the superhero spectacular's expansive potential."

Your writing is also an example of why somebody should punch you in the fucking face.

· NoWireHangers on The Critics Are Crazy About 'Bride Wars'!: "Will make you hate brides." - Victoria Alexander, FilmsInReview.com

Will?

· Eric D. Snider on Sherri Shepherd Awoken At 1:30 AM By An Insistent Jeremy Piven: I'm pretty sure that to Flat-Earthers, time zones are just another myth created by the powerful Round-Earth lobby.

· topsy on Dakota Fanning is the New Black: Every once in a while the [NAACP] Image Award nominates a white performer. Sort of along the lines of how the Academy Awards work.

Congratulations to our runners-up (and COTW winners-to-be), of which there were many. Including all you sick bastards. Enjoy your new government watch lists!

· HwoodHills on Did George Clooney Spend Two Nights In Paris?: George: "Did you see BURN AFTER READING?"

Paris: "No. It has reading in it."

· kookla on Griffin Vs. Clark: Dicks A-Plenty On New Year's Eve: I was sure if there were balls dropped in Times Square it was going to be one of the Jonas Brothers.

· metroville on 'Doubt' Reminded Harry Knowles of the Time He Was Whipped Until He Bled Over A False Incest Charge: I'm more taken aback by the revelation that Harry Knowles appears to have been born during the 19th century.

· Old No.7 on Zac Efron: The Fruity Keepsake Ornament: Take note that the Vanessa Hudgens ornament package has been previously opened many, many times.

· el smrtmnky on Was Balthazar Getty Fired From 'Brothers & Sisters'?: Oh, Battlestar Getty! Didn't you get the memo? Bros before Hos.

Congratulations to our new corporate overlords! Please be gentle.

· badhatharry on Jeremy Piven Willing to Contract Any Disease That Will Get Him Off Broadway: This guy sounds like he diagnosed himself from WebMD. I tried that once, turns out I have cervical cancer.

I'm a guy.

· HallieMarie on More Non-Cera Stars Continue to Align for the 'Arrested Development' Movie: Put Alia Shawkat down as a Maeby.

· emg72 on Drew Carey Spent 30 Minutes Crafting Bored Reaction to Historic 'Price is Right' Win: 1982: I'm 10 years old, home sick (or playing sick, can't remember) from school, watching The Price Is Right.

Some guy (wearing a mock turtleneck, if I recall) not only wins a car, but then spins *double* 100's on the big wheel, and then gets within 100 bucks of his own showcase showdown to take home both sets of prizes.

I nearly crapped myself, and then called my father at work, pulling him out of a meeting with a client to tell him the huge news. He was not amused. I didn't care. This was tremendous. The world needed to know.
26 years later, this guy goes and hits it dead on the money.

The *least* Drew could have done was crap himself. For me. For posterity.

· JudgeFudge on Farewell, Delgo: From 2,100 Screens to Zero in a Week Flat: A Prediction for Freestyle Media: Del-go straight to dvd next time.

· alexarch on Sensuous Franco 'Milk' Bathing Scene A Homage À Hockney: Defamer: The inattentive, single, barfly mother that leaves out her Playgirls to be found by her confused and nervous proto-gay son.

Congratulations to our winners! Runners-up, you get four pixels each of Scott Caan's balls.

· shostakobitch on Carrie Fisher Comes Full Circle: She just finished a first draft of "Postcards From the Fridge."

· HwoodHills on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens in 'Sex Shop Musical': Based on the looks on their faces and the fact they actually POSED for them, you forgot to identify the most important things in each pic: 1. Baked (with an arrow toward each)

· Tiger_Tanaka on Relax In Front Of A Flaming Cuthbert Yule Arm This Holiday Season: This is how you normally wash up after sleeping with a pro hockey player.

· TenTimesFiltered on Golden Globes Jilt 'Milk,' 'Dark Knight'; 'In Treatment' Leads TV Noms: When can we start calling nominations "nom noms"? Someone must can has them.

· Little Mintz Sunshine on Jennifer Aniston Promotes New, PG-Rated Family Film By Going Completely NSFW: Jeez. Her kids are going to be so embarrassed. Wait..what?

Congratulations to our winners!

· A Pimp Named DaveR on Lindsay Lohan Still Stymied By Rocky Myspace/Facebook Transition: Someday all of us, male and female, will be able to log in and see "You have poked Lindsay Lohan"....

· icallthebigonebitey on Peeved Elisabeth Hasselbeck Tells Noted Indian Scholar to 'Go Light a Bowl of Incense': Elisabitch is confused as usual. "Glitter Glasses Whatshisface" is Elton John. "GURU Glasses Whathisface" is Deepak Chopra.

· it takes a lot to laugh on Roman Polanski Kindly Asks For Official Removal of 'Statutory Rapist' From Resume: "I did not have sexual relations with that statue."

· Tiger_Tanaka on Arriving Astride Winged Serpent, Satan Himself Announces Rinna/Hamlin Reality Show: He made ANOTHER deal with them?

· Miss d on Lapdance Inferno! (Blaze Put Out at Body Shop Strip Club): Lucky - or they'd have to change the sign to DEAD NUDE GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS...

Congratulations to our winners!

· DarkKnightShyamalan on How Not to Get Killed Outside the Scientology Celebrity Centre: A Primer: Which just goes to show that Han Solo was right: hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.

· academyscreamer on Discuss: Mariah Carey Is A 2008 Oscar Contender: Mariah has always been much more of a Golden Globes kinda contender. Yes, I went there.

· icallthebigonebitey on Alec Baldwin Not Quite Ready For Your Questions About Fatherhood After All: Back in 1987, I TOTALLY thought I saw Alec Baldwin at a toll road Dairy Queen on I-94 near South Bend, Indiana but it turned out it was someone's fuzzy black sweater thrown over a seat. I went into a bathroom stall and tapped my foot as loudly as possible just in case.

· CatherineTrammell on Audrina Patridge Cracking the Books For 'Twilight' Sequel Audition: She's already on a show about vampires who won't die.

· Old No.7 on Roasted Bass The Special Of The Day On 'Dancing' Finale: Some marketing genius needs to have Lance & Clay go on the road together, and call it Oh, My Aiken-Bass Tour.

Congratulations to our winners!

On to the winners!

· Old No.7 on Shoot Your Eye Out This Christmas In The 'Christmas Story' House!: No tongue stuck on the pole? Damn, those Prop 8 bastards are everywhere!

· taraniso on 5 Suggestions For Improving the Generally Hideous 'Jonas Brothers Concert Movie' Poster: Three powerful, yet visually stunning, bolts of lightning. Not for the photo, just in general.

· Wendy_Kroy on Kim Masters Attempts to Lay Out Defamer-Sourced Case for Ben Silverman's Homosexuality: Coming soon... Beijing Ben: Delicious Journeys Through Upfronts for the Purpose of Making Clueless Writers Cite Defamer for Homosexual Rumors.

· CollierLibra on Possessed Serial Killer Deidre Hall Loses 'Days' Gig In Soap Opera Restructuring: I love that a real guy named Drake plays a fake guy named John on a soap opera.

· metroville on New Chuck Norris Fact: Thinks Gays Are Anarchists: I hate it when people mistake the public's ironic enjoyment of them for merit.

Congratulations to all our posters. May your weekend be full of impossibly chaste teen romance! (Except in cases where that's against the law.)

Click through for the winners!

· DudleyDion on Look, Everyone! It's Video Of Daniel Radcliffe's Naughties!: I have been hitting "click to enlarge" repeatedly but it doesn't seem to work on him.

· naugahydeinplainsight on Fergie Retrofitted With Crotch-Veil In New 'Nine' Promotional Photo: Says Fergie: "That snatch of mine saves Nine."

· 92BuickLeSabre on Defamer Exclusive: 'MADtv' Canceled: Where will all the comedians with funny noses go now?

· misterdirky on How Dare You Insinuate That Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian?!: Just because she wishes Deadliest Catch came in Smell-O-Vision does NOT make her a lesbian.

· ObamaIsMyPresident on Two Inches Of Lance Bass Lost In Space: Hmm...wonder how many inches his ex Reichen took?

Congratulations to our winners! Losers, back to the fridge with ya.

Click through for the winners!

· jwick25 on Reasons Why Harrison Ford May Have Worn This Peapod Costume for Halloween: This is the closest I've ever seen Calista to something edible.

· steampoweredboy on Seth Rogen Boned Plenty of Hot Girls When He was Fat and Unknown, OK?: Two people I would never want to see have sex talking about sex? Up next Dr. Ruth and my Zadie chat about big black cocks.

· OldTowneTavern on Kendra Ready to Put Her Eggs in New Fiance's Baskett: And now being given away by one's daddy takes on a whole new meaning.

· unrequited_narcissism on Courtney Love Reveals Her Confused, Anti-Gay 'Yes on Prop 8' Vote: That should be the photo accompanying her euthanasia application. Please tell me she has applied.

· cozymoses on The Gays Strike Back as Prop. 8 Protest Targets Mormon Temple: "Shit is packed..."? Really?

Good work, kids. Rahmbo approves.

· YahooUnserious on Courtenay Semel's Stirring New Catchphrase: 'Google Me, You Dumb Fuck': "Yahoo! Me" is something she only says to other girls.

· Wrapitup on As Ronald Reagan on 'The View,' Elisabeth Just Says No To Joy Behar: Going butch and brunette suits Hasselbeck so much better. She looks like an adorable Puerto Rican twink.

· NoWireHangers on Gay Men And 13-Year-Old Girls Unite In Protest Against Cut Zac Efron Shower Scene: Based on Zac's arm motions, it appears the song was "Y-M-C-A."

· Tiger_Tanaka on Arrest Of Bill Pullman's Son Reveals The Ravages Of Moonshineface: I'd be upset too if my werewolf transformation was interrupted.

· mwynn13 on Here's Joe Francis Bashing Lindsay Lohan's Girlfriend, Samantha 'Rosnan': I thought he generally approved of the path of young ladies pretending to be gay.

Nice work, Top Five. For the rest of you on this fine holiday: here's a toothbrush.

· scroll_lock on CAA's Bryan Lourd to Carrie Fisher: 'Your Codeine Made Me Gay': "This is just like the time I OD'ed on St. Joseph's Baby Aspirin and woke up as Rip Taylor. Confetti is a bitch to vacuum up."

· Old No.7 on Samuel L. Jackson on Obama: 'Nobody Wants to See an Angry Black Man': "Nobody wants to see an angry black man? Then explain why Whoopi is so popular on The View."

· NoWireHangers on Lesbian Starlet Supply Tainted By Roosevelt's Corpse-Water Pool: "Oh please, a corpse is no worse than what's usually in that pool."

· OldTowneTavern on Toronto 30 Rock Ad Interrupted By Porn: "Nancy Cottenden [said], 'We acted very fast to get it off.' My, my but those Canadians are some truth telling people."

· Scrumptrulescent on Watch Joe Biden Dunk Elaine On America's #1 Married-Lesbian Talk Show: "We all know Ellen would have hit it on the first throw."

Congratulations to this week's top five!

· classicfantastic on Mark Wahlberg To 'Crack' Andy Samberg's 'Big Fucking Nose': "Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to fight with Andy Samberg."

· TenTimesFiltered on Drunken Dialects of the South, With Your Guide Dennis Quaid: "I've never seen The Big Easy. Does he get bitten in the mouth by snakes at the beginning?"

· Benny on Is This Your New Spock From 'Star Trek,' Or a Melty-Faced Katie Holmes?: "Mr... Spock... I'm... going for more beer! Check you... later... braugh!"

· Tiger_Tanaka on UTA Riles Some With Its 'Black Boy Chained To Monkey' Lobby Portrait: "The guy is sad because the monkey's outfit is doper than his. That picture was taken inside UTA's mailroom, right?"

· Tyrol_Kyd on Travis Barker Not a Fan of Hospital Life, Ex-Wife Shanna Moakler: "He's just jealous because she can get rid of her burning sensations with a simple dose of Valtrex."

Congratulations to this week's top five! Oh, and a word of advice: Don't bring up Sarah Palin. Madge can be a bit touchy about that whole thing.

· rtisovec on Holly Madison Confirms She is The First Victim of Hef's Bedroom Downsizing Campaign: "Normally when young women want fame in Hollywood, they resort to posing nude. This girl clearly is out of options."

· Little Mintz Sunshine on Kim Kardashian On Her Breasts: They're Real, and They're Spectacularly Inappropriate: "Glendale face. Oakland booty."

· Old No.7 on Broadcast Networks and Horny Craigslister Want To Get In Bed With Obama: "I thought Keith Olbermann lived on the East Coast."

· SugartitsMcFirecrotch on Angelina Jolie Sought Postpartum Solace Inside A Steaming Hot Pocket: "That'll be her Bond movie . . . Postpartum of Solace."

· WGARefugee on In Which We Attempt to Decipher Brad Pitt's Picture of Angelina Jolie Breastfeeding: "How do we know that's not Verne Troyer?"

Congratulations to this week's top five! Don't forget to try the peppered filet medallions with Roquefort sauce; we hear they're divine.

· el smrtmnky on New Viral Ad Suggests Only a Drunk Would Buy 'Indiana Jones 4' on DVD: "If you want real viral marketing, try the crystal head on Craigslist m4m any day of the week."

· Gnip-Gnop on This One Time, at a Beauty Contest... Sarah Palin Played the Flute: "She's not playing a flute. That's the sound of the wind whistling through her head."

· Little Mintz Sunshine on 'Mom's Vagina Kick' Just One Of Nikki Blonsky's Signature Moves: "Unless you've got some wicked stilettos and even more wicked aim, I would think it virtually impossible to kick someone in the vagina. But, as a girl who has wiped out on a boy bike, I can attest it's much worse than getting punched in the boob. Team Balls."

· dinalohan on Elisabeth Hasselbeck Would Prefer It If You Just Ignored That Palin/Couric Debacle: "I'm pretty sure Elizabeth's stint on Survivor: Australia gives her more foreign policy experience than Palin."

· KarenUhOh on How the 'Anne Hathaway Loves Anal Sex' Rumor Fooled The Internet: "I'm puzzled how something called "Celeb.Dump" could report it any other way."

Congratulations to this week's top five!