The film would cap a dream dating all the way back to 2002, when Giamatti stumbled upon the cult hit Bubba Ho-Tep in a New York art house, submitting his sizable imagination to the story of an over-the-hill Elvis (Bruce Campbell in the role of his life), a black JFK, and their joint battle against a mummy cowboy in the nursing-home showdown of the century. As Vanity Fair notes today, the closing credits jokily promised a sequel, but the overwhelmed Giamatti wasn't letting Campbell or director Don Coscarelli off the hook. There would be a Bubba franchise, and Paul Giamatti would kick-start it to life, attaching himself as Elvis's doomed manager Col. Tom Parker:

I really think movies like this are so much more insightful about Elvis and the myth of Elvis than any bio-pic could ever be. Anyway, it also explores his relationship with Colonel Parker, his Svengali-like manager who controlled so much of Elvis’ career. It’s about how the Colonel cons him into doing one more movie, and then they get involved with vampires and the Colonel literally ends up selling his soul to the devil. There’s also a character who thinks he is or may actually be Sitting Bull. And there are peyote trips and all sorts of weird, supernatural things. It’s such a great script.

And "hot female vampires," naturally, just in case an Oscar-nominated sidekick isn't enough nudge this closer to a green light in a skittish financing climate. Giamatti isn't worried at all, he adds: "We’ll definitely get Bubba Nosferatu made. It’s just a question of when and where." This is probably where that Manoj connection would be best utilized; that guy craps money, and God knows he owes Giamatti at least 15 million favors after Lady in the Water.

• Q&A: Paul Giamatti's Dream Project: 'Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She Vampires' [VF.com]

While we respect the near-seismic impact of the film's Broadway source material and its iconic star, we're especially interested in the backloaded allusions to Streep's character's licentious past. By "allusions," we mean her half-hearted denial of "sleeping with hundreds of men," or her friends' cheeky amusement at her charming history of looseness, or her spread legs in the foreground of a shot featuring the panty-melting trifecta of Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and Stellan Skarsgard. Additionally, the accompanying melodic drone isn't even ABBA, but rather something akin to American Idol ABBA, one degree and two volume notches removed from tuneless cruise-ship ignominy. Are we the only ones missing the discriminating taste (or at least the genetic coding) required to think this was a good idea?

• Mamma Mia! [Universal]

• Previously: It's Like Borat, But He's Hellbent On Blood-Splattered Revenge Instead Of Cultural Learnings [Defamer]

It is unclear at press time whether the buyers were extended the facility's standard "$1/first month" contract afforded typical lessees. Pointless closeup follows; unfortunately in this case, the zoom further prevents a sidelong glimpse of a massive, Public Storage-prepared, naked, golden, compellingly lifelike Angelina Jolie.

While "Tales From the Hoff" will center on a fictional character, the similarities between that character and Hasselhoff are obvious, including Hasselhoff's marital status (he divorced last year). Project stemmed from conversations Hasselhoff had with friends about how his life might inspire an interesting TV show.

As potentially hilarious as watching a lightly fictionalized Hasselhoff try to navigate a Hollywood that's far crasser than the one of his relatively recent lifeguarding heyday with nary a vagina to flash at the single, camera-toting tourist he mistakes for a paparazzo trying to document his El Pollo Loco run sounds, the producers have probably reviewed every episode of the stillborn So NoToriOus and realize the chief creative obstacle they face: No matter how long they lock themselves in the writers' room, they'll never dream up a scenario for their washed-up protagonist more tragicomically surreal than the twenty seconds of floorburger footage that's defined his recent career.

• E! to tell 'Tales From the Hoff' [Var]
• Previously: David Hasselhoff Seizes The Moment [Defamer]

"It's all about these girls in Hollywood getting into trouble," Nasser said. "You see them all go to jail, you see them get arrested, you see them go through trials and tribulations."

Nasser said the script will use the names of real celebrities, but he isn't saying yet whether any of those names will be Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. "I'm not allowed to let those names out yet," he said.

So, how can Nasser base his movie on real-life celebrities without their permission? Simple, he says. "As long as we stick to the truth, we're in good shape." He said the movie will be about "real people" and based on "the public record."

Despite Nasser's frustratingly coy refusal to name the specific subjects of the film, we're confident the LAT's speculation about the film's troubled protagonists will prove accurate, and he'll soon have agents representing Dancing With the Stars-level talent like Anna Nicole's Ford clamoring for the opportunity to portray the most dramatic moments of Nicole Richie's 82 minutes in prison, or to prove that they can bawl on command just as convincingly as Paris Hilton when placed in the back of a police car after being taunted with one delicious night of house arrest.

• Producer preps film version of celebutantes' legal travails [LAT]

• Beowulf Uncensored Internet Trailer [YouTube]

FUNNY OR DIE INVITES YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A SPECIAL INTERNET PRESS PREVIEW OF "FCU: FACT CHECKERS UNIT" AN UPCOMING FUNNYORDIE.COM EXCLUSIVE WEB SHORT STARRING BILL MURRAY, THURSDAY, SEPT. 6

We'll spare you the rest of the press release, but there's also a phone interview scheduled with the video's creators for the following day, during which they'll "discuss the web short and their experience working with Bill Murray." Welcome to the age of the inter-junket! Unfortunately, the virtual nature of the two-day event doesn't afford bloggers the opportunity to gorge themselves at a free buffet, bitch about the unfriendliness of the talent, and speculate about whether those clever Funny or Die folks staged Murray's recent drunken golf-cart arrest in Sweden as a masterful publicity stunt, though we suppose these traditional meatspace press tour activities can be simulated through instant messenger and a trip to the fridge. We're sure that by the clip's official debut on Monday, all this pre-release buzz will deliver opening day numbers not seen since the adorably crapulent Pearl first called deadbeat tenant Ferrell a bitch.

• Previously: Bill Murray's Drunken Swedish Golf Cart Joyride Explained! [Defamer]

• Today [MSNBC.com]

• Nut Shot Japanese Show [YouTube]

• I Know Who Killed Me (2007) [Rotten Tomatoes]
• Previously: Inside Last Night's Lohan-Haunted 'I Know Who Killed Me' Screening [Defamer]

Last night's edition of brain-smoothing dinnertime celebrity newsmagazine Extra offered up a crazy-flavored appetizer for the upcoming Bravo reality series, Hey, Paula!!!, in which the American Idol judge unscrews the top of her head and allows the world an opportunity to climb inside and stroll around the church-parking-lot-quality carnival that is her mind. The brief clip reveals little, but now we do know this: her "best friend" is her stylist (always a sign that a famous person has disengaged from reality), there are many fluffy dogs—some of which will defecate on camera—underfoot to provide believable excuses for medication-induced mishaps, and we will get some glimpses of the Idol-related "exhaustion" incidents that are the reason the show exists in the first place. Unfortunately, we have to wait until late June before the star can officially welcome us into her home, a greeting that we expect will be followed by Abdul handing us a shopping bag full of half-empty prescription-pill bottles and urging us to makes ourselves at home.

• Extra TV [warnerbros.com]
• Previously: Paula Abdul Thinks Ex-Flack Didn't Jump On Enough Grenades For Her [Defamer]

In one of the biggest premieres ever held in Los Angeles, the Bay juggernaut — about a race of alien robots trying to gobble Earth — will take over not one, but four Westwood movie houses on June 27, with 4,000 seats available, not just for swank "Transformers" stars like It-boy Shia LaBeouf or executive producer Steven Spielberg, but for actual members of the public.

The premiere will be followed by a party on Broxton Avenue in Westwood that is open to anyone who attends one of the screenings at the Landmark Regent Theatre, the Mann National Theatre, the Mann Bruin Theatre and the Mann Village Theatre.

Organizers have managed to keep the upcoming event's biggest set piece a secret, a stunt which we can now exclusively reveal: As fans file out from the various Westwood venues, the director himself will roar into the center of the throng in a custom-made Lamborghini, rip an undisclosed number of tire-scorching donuts, then proceed to blow what's left of their minds by transforming the car into a 30-foot-tall, robotic version of himself; once Bay feels the mob has been sufficiently paralyzed with awe, he'll then use the spectacular machine's specially calibrated claws to pluck the two most attractive, scantily clad women (twins, preferably) from the crowd and lumber off into the night, crushing the occasional Hummer beneath its feet just to drive his busty hostages wild with desire.

[Image: MichaelBay.com]

• Shia LeBouf and cast to 'transform' L.A. film fest [LAT]
• Transformers [LAFilmFest.com]