• Each year, surveying Oscar's Best Actress pool sets off a bout of hand wringing over the absence of serious parts for serious female actresses, but this year the low may actually be below the bottom of the pool. After a very short list of sure things (Meryl, Carey Mulligan in An Education and Gabourey Sidibe for Precious) the field becomes a wide open wasteland with almost no true attention getting roles leaping out. It's gotten so bad, writes the Hollywood Reporter, that "some are talking about Sandra Bullock." [Hollywood Reporter]

• As if answering the question raised by the item above...On the strength of 2012, This Is It, Angels and Demons and Terminator:Salvation Sony Pictures is having its best year at the international box office in its history with grosses currently at $1.63 billion. Fox, however, holds the international top slot this year with $1.79 billion in receipts and counting [Variety]

•Kent Alterman will be your next man to blame for why Comedy Central isn't funnier. The former New Line exec was named head of programming for the network. [Variety]

• The first plug pulled at the new Less Is Less Miramax — Richard Linklater's Liars (A To E), a romantic comedy that was to have starred Kat Dennings and Rebecca Hall. [Movieline]

• Disney has put in dry dock/beached/torpedoed/depth charged/recalled to submarine base/(insert your preferred nautical analogy here) a remake of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea set to be helmed by McG. Cheated of his chance to ruin the submarine genre forever, the great director will instead focus his attentions on the thriller Dead Spy Running. [Variety]

• As long as there are film studios, there will be some executive who will have the bright idea to let Robin Williams star in yet another surefire failure of a comedy. Anna Faris is currently in talks to play Williams' daughter in Wedding Banned for Touchstone. [Hollywood Reporter]

• MTV has acquired the exclusive rights to air This Is It, the Michael Jackson concert rehearsal documentary. [Hollywood Reporter]

Namely those big old honking gay folks at Comedy Central's sister network, Logo. The curious little series, featuring comedian Silverman, her sister Laura, and whole cast of wacky characters, looked like it was going to peter out and die when Comedy Central had to—because of the economy and all—slash the show's budget by 20%. Not exactly chuffed by this idea, the producers threatened to leave. The network wanted to keep the show running, but they just couldn't hammer out an acceptable budget agreement.

Then, in swept Logo, sabers a' brandish, capes fluttering in the breeze. With the two forces combined, the show will have an even higher budget than the previous $1.1 million per episode (TV is expensive). Plus, Logo can cash in on Silverman's big fag (und hag) appeal, as well as the fact that there is a hetero-acting (sorta) gay couple on the show. Everybody wins! Especially Logo viewers (hi, you two!) who previously only had the abysmal Big Gay Sketch Show to turn to for laughs on the network, which has consistently failed to be as sexy as here! or as splashy and original as Bravo.

[THR]

Instead, Stewart went forward with a few good-natured jibes at his corporate cousin's $150 million Oscar behemoth The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button — if you can call two narcolepsy jokes and extended plot mockery "good-natured." Worse yet, it came while introducing Slumdog's Dev Patel, who was welcomed shortly afterward as the equivalent of Oscar 2009's homecoming king. Worse yet, Stewart's smirking laughter at his own jokes led both his live and viewing audiences to believe they are actually fresher, funnier and/or more influential than they actually are.

So! That does it, right? 0-for-13? Watch your nuts, Jon; Brad Grey just stepped out for lunch. [The Daily Show via LAT]

1. John Davidson, A Solid Gold Christmas (1982) — It was the year Davidson was in the early downswing of his raconteurial powers. And who could fault him? With That's Incredible, a running guest spot on Hollywood Squares and two of his own Christmas specials behind him, among the few milestones left to check off was "Completely KILL on the Solid Gold Christmas show." And kill he did, bringing a never-before-told tale of wintertime glee and his silky baritone to a riveted TV audience. Colbert's own style seems to have already borrowed a bit from this clip, but if he really wants to own the holidays like Davidson, he's going to have to lose the irony. And fast.

2. Kristy McNicol, A Carpenters Christmas (1977) — Leave it to the era's most famous TV tomboy to upstage her own honey-voiced host, but Karen Carpenter was just a fraction of McNicol's competition in the climactic ensemble number "My New Year's Resolution." Harvey Korman? Puppets? The infamously precise Carpenters band? Amateurs all! If Colbert doesn't revive this number, then we're not watching.

3. Bea Arthur, The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) — It may not be George Lucas's most reviled piece of work, but it's the only misstep he's disavowed. Traces remain online, of course, epitomized by saloonkeeper Bea Arthur's desperate plea to clear the Mos Eisley Cantina of its drunken intergalactic riff-raff. Colbert would do well to learn the mistakes of the past lest he be condemned to repeat them; no one has 30 years to wait for his show to be funny, unintentionally or otherwise.

4. Jerry Lawler and Nick Gulas, WHBQ Christmas Special (1976) — The Memphis UHF channel hosted its own wrestling-themed holiday show in 1976, welcoming legend Jerry Lawler and skeevy promoter Nick Gulas to the air to thank the city's fans for the previous year's support. And what a reward! If you don't cry at the pure spirit of giving here — particularly in Lawler's segment — then you're a Grinch. This kind of microtargeting will make huge strides in the Colbert-averse heartland.

5. Bing Crosby and David Bowie, Bing Crosby Christmas Special (1977) — The most awkward intergenerational pairing in the history of holiday TV, Crobsy/Bowie is beyond imitation — but not beyond homage. May we suggest some earnest, sexually ambiguous harmonizing with David Archuleta?

Yes, according to the Hollywood Reporter, Mr. Burnham is currently in “negotiations with Universal to write and create the music for a comedy that Judd Apatow will produce. Burnham also could star in the project. The film is being described as a sort of anti-High School Musical, though it is not a parody.”

Ugh. Burnham may be a talented guy, but we need to nip this trend in the bud pronto, people. If we don’t, soon we’re gonna hear that the Chocolate Rain guy will star in a Spike Lee “joint,” or that Chris Crocker will be the subject of a new Gus Van Sant bio pic. And if you find out that the Dramatic Prairie Dog scored a first look deal with Paramount, then you officially have my permission to kill yourself.

[Photo Credit: boburnham.com]

• Singing Comic Joins Apatow Clan [Hollywood Reporter]

• The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget [Comedy Central]

Our Suggestions For Jimmy:

Adam Carolla: We've never actually seen Kimmel look quite as happy on any TV appearance to date than during those beer-guzzling days of homo-erotic male bonding with Carolla, currently desperate for some much-needed post-Dancing With The Stars publicity.

Cameron Diaz: One of the co-stars of Kimmel's revenge video in which Ben Affleck managed to keep down a visible need to dry heave while millimeters away from Kimmel's mug, we've noted recently how eager the bed-hopping actress is for action. And so far, no amount of plumber butt crackage, receding hair lines, or drastic height differences have stopped her from jumping into the next bed!

Emily Gould: Any loyal reader of our siblings in snark over at Gawker are more than familiar with that epic battle between Kimmel and former Gawker blogger Emily Gould. Standing in for Larry King last year and feeling very important about it, Kimmel accosted Gould for daring to contribute to a site that caught him "drunk and talking loud" on the streets of Manhattan. But whenever we watch the clip, we can't help remembering why all those chubby little kindergarten boys would be mean to girls: they sooo wanted to take them behind the school bus and get them pregnant!

Our Suggestions For Sarah:

Seth Rogen: We don't know about Sarah, but we would have been more than a little miffed after seeing less-funny quasi-Jew Elizabeth Banks stealing her thunder by filming the (again) less-funny version of Silverman's original "I'm Fucking" video alongside the goofy and kinda Kimmel-esque Seth Rogen. What better way to kill two birds with one fuck stone than to team up with Seth and form the new and improved comedic union of uncomfortable love?

Britney Spears: Remember what we said about those mean boys on the playground? We've long suspected Silverman's borderline-cruel rant against Spears after her tragic VMA performance may have been a guise for an intense girl crush. And Britney, lest you forget, dabbled in the very chic girl-on-girl movement long before Lindsay and Sam made it "cool."

Doug The Dog: Because who wouldn't risk jail time to pucker up to this little twitchy bundle of chihuahua ass?

• IT'S OFFICIAL: KIMMEL AND SILVERMAN NO LONGER F*CKING [Vanity Fair]

• Katt Williams on Racism and the Roast [Dead Frog]

Context is everything in these matters, however, and what may seem at first like an irresponsible invitation to the unthinkable was actually a stinging indictment of what you, the celebrity-self-destruction-as-spectator-bloodsport fan, are reaping upon the sad and empty pop star husk Spears become. (Poignantly represented by a lower jaw standing behind a recording studio microphone).

• South Park

COMEDY queen Tina Fey says that while she makes people laugh, political pundit Jon Stewart only makes them uncomfortable.

Fey tells Reader's Digest she prefers it when audience members laugh rather than applaud because, "You can prompt applause with a sign." She added, "My friend Seth Meyers coined the term 'clapter,' which is when you do a political joke and people go, 'Woo-hoo.' It means they sort of approve but didn't really like it that much. You hear a lot of that on [whispers] 'The Daily Show.' "

The ratio of topical jibes delivered weekly on both satirical newscasts, measuring at Weekend Update's 1 to the Daily Show's 1250, could explain the laughter discrepancy. Still, we think Fey is being ever so slightly dishonest in knocking the competition, as she knows better than anyone that Lorne Michaels had studio 8-H outfitted with flashing "WHOO," "BIG WHOO," "SNICKER," "CHUCKLE," "GUFFAW," and "INCONTINENCE" signs midway through Victoria Jackson's second season, ensuring he'd never again have to endure 90 minutes of dead silence response to the parade of not-quite-ready-for-primetime sketches that made it to air.

• TINA RIPS JON [NY Post]

On Tuesday's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert offered what was perhaps the most moving pro-WGA moment we've seen in weeks, leading Malcolm Gladwell and the Harlem Gospel Choir in a lively rendition of the spiritual "Go Down Moses" as images of his beloved, absent colleagues scrolled across the screen; cue up the above clip and prepare to be stirred in a way you haven't been since Conan O'Brien gave us that first, utterly thrilling glimpse of his strike beard.

• Let My People Go [Colbert Nation]
• Previously: Stewart, Colbert Go Back To Work Unibrowed, Biblically Bearded, And Without Writers [Defamer]

· Dick Wolf and Disturbia director D.J. Caruso are working on a drama series based on graphic novel character Johnny Dynamite, employing the same 300-style green-screen technology that currently makes everyone in Hollywood so horny. [Variety]
· The fall TV season is off to a slow start, with only Private Practice and Bionic Woman seeming like they have the potential to build into hits. Of course, Carpoolers has yet to debut, so hope for a true breakout is still alive. [THR]
· The Kingdom made just enough money this weekend to keep director Peter Berg working, as he'll develop a film about the 1973 kidnapping of oil heir Jean Paul Getty III for Universal. [Variety]

Chappelle kept telling jokes until 4:43 the next morning—- making his entire set a whopping six hours and seven minutes.

Amazingly, the previous record was established just a few days earlier. On April 10, Dane Cook performed his own marathon act, appearing on stage for three hours and fifty minutes.

"It was just one of those nights," Masada said of Chappelle's appearance. "He had everyone laughing for six hours."

Indeed, Masada said only about a dozen of the 150-plus original members of the audience left the club before Chappelle wrapped his set. "The audience was with him 100 percent," he said.

As amazed patrons feasted on the gluttonous bounty of new Chappelle material, a post-midnight call from a high-ranking Comedy Central scout at the show awoke network head Doug Herzog with the breathless news. Determined to harvest what he considered was rightfully his, he instantly leaped out of his bed and sped over to the comedy club equipped with a handheld video camera. Should the ensuing legal battles go Herzog's way, the resulting, shaky footage will be segmentized and broadcast as Chappelle's Show fourth season, with a disclaimer at the start of every episode kindly requesting that viewers "Please ignore the running commentary featuring a male voice muttering, 'This fruitcake turns down my $50 mil but then gives the milk away for free? To hell he will, if I have anything to say about it!'"

• Chappelle pulls all-nighter at Factory [Variety]

Apparently, the guys at 24 enjoyed the episode, because they sent us one of their prop suitcase nukes couried by a PA, with an attached plaque that read "from your friends at 24" and with a thank you note saying "here's your very own snuke".

needless to say, we freaking LOVE this thing.

Further details are at the South Park production blog, where you can see more photos of Matt and Trey mentally calculating the practical logistics of squeezing a nuclear bomb up a famous woman's sex-parts. The staff's giddy enthusiasm for their shiny, potentially Valencia-eviscerating new toy is positively infectious—like children on a nuclear winter morning!—as is the thought of TV shows reaching out to one another across network lines. Still, we'd caution against phasing out Snookies baskets for suitcase nukes as the congratulatory industry gesture of choice, as all it takes is one curious assistant's finger and the question "What's THIS button do?" for Canada to finally win its chance to swoop in and fill the scorched-earth Hollywood void.

• THE BEST DAY EVER AT SOUTH PARK! [Production Blog]

There's really no winning with Christian television-watchdog groups: Write a catchy country-western ditty in which a paranoid cowboy express his fear that Jesus is involved in a little homosexual voyeurism, wind up on the wrong end of an outraged press release; try to dramatize the Creator as a Being who engages in heterosexual relations, ditto. Multichannel News reports that the Parents Television Council is protesting the season finale of The Sarah Silverman Program, angry that the lack of a la carte cable channel choices makes it all too easy for impressionable children to stumble upon blasphemous programming concerning a Jewish comedienne's post-coital rejection of "the sex-obsessed Deity." (Deadpans a Comedy Central spokesman in response: "We've never been terribly popular with the Parents Television Council.") A clip of the offending material is above; after the jump, we pass along the PTC's painstaking, blow-by-blow inventory of each sacrilegious story beat:

THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM * God and Sarah copulate. God: "You're a little monkey aren't you? Who made your monkey? Who made you?" Sarah: "You did."

*Sarah rejects God the morning after their tryst.
God: "I had a really good time. A really, really good time."
Sarah: "Thanks. Me too."
God: "Come to Heaven with me today."
Sarah: "Today?"
God: "We can see the past and the future. We can fly. And I will introduce you to Thomas Jefferson."
Sarah: "Oh, awesome. I told my friend Natalie I would help her move, though."
God: "I could stop time."
Sarah: "That is so sweet. Oh your pants are over there. I mean not like I'm asking you to leave. I just mean if you can't see it from this angle of still being in my bed."
God: "Right. I should go."
Sarah: "Okay. Um. Alright. I guess I'll see you around sometime."
God: "Do you mean it? Or are you just saying that?"

*Sarah seeks help from God.
Sarah: "I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons, which to me seems like cheating, but what are you going to say? And I learned that You exist, and that You're black. And I think that's amazing. I mean I'm not one of those people that are like 'Oh, God is black, is he going to steal the moon or something?' And finally I learned that giving is its own reward. Which is really kinda like saying there's no reward for giving. Unless you're really into the process of giving, and that's a reward to you. But how many people, I don't know. Can you meet me half way? You're kinda breaking my balls."
God: "Alright. Just one more time Sarah."

Lest you uncharitably suspect that at least part of the reason for the PTC's outrage is rooted in the fact that Silverman's God is black, they've covered that particular base by pairing the Sarah Silverman protest with one about the use of the n-bomb on a recent South Park episode, a move which sets up the Council as the nation's leading colorblind crusader against the morality-eroding practice of the forced bundling of heathen-programmed cable channels.

• PTC Not Laughing at Comedy's Silverman [Multichannel.com]
• The Worst Cable Content of the Week [ParentsTV.org]
• Sarah Silverman Program [ComedyCentral.com]

[Image: Variety]

• Sarah Silverman Program [Comedy Central]