According to Star Magazine, a stapled together collection of glossy pages with colors on them, LiLo is slated to star in an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side. Think of it as Hannah Takes the Stairs mixed with The Mummy and Zelig. I kid. It'll be much pornier. Per Star, "the plot centers on a graduate student who takes a summer gig working at a science research facility on a remote island. Once there, she comes across and interesting cast of characters." Though promising, this little indie "fantasy" comedy, faces some major hurdles.

Copyright infringement: I'm fairly certain I saw this exact movie on the Spice Channel back in 2002, when I used to order 10 movies simultaneously on my Dad's television in some sort of strange revenge. It was called something like Desert Dissertation Vol. IV: Anal Proctor

The Cast: Along with the esteemed actress, other cast members include Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. Combined, this trio once wrote, "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock And sweet you roll. A black man would rather miss than look bad."

Lindsay Lohan Is Uninsurable: This is the least fun but also the most serious hurdle. As talent manager Bernie Brillstein once noted, "I believe [Lady Lohan]'s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done." Simply put, who's going to put money on Lohan actually finishing this project as opposed to say, freaking the fuck out and re-enacting her own personal Grey Gardens, holing herself up with a Kilimanjaro of cocaine and cat pee? The answer is probably no one.

Will this movie, slated for 2010, ever get released? And if it doesn't, will the world still survive the calamity? Maybe, probably, respectively. But the world without a film about a wise-cracking Lohan graduate student on a desert island with Dave Matthews wearing a Pukka necklace and little else is a sadder impoverished dystopia.

Fine by us! And we're sure future Tonight Show successor O'Brien and the NBC Entertainment co-chairman Silverman are both relieved to have Leno back on his feet. Although it's safe to say only one of them has been waking up in cold sweats, praying to a new-found God for Leno's good health.

Given that Spitzer is the focus of the frame, one gets the sense the cameraman knew this was no ordinary cutaway. Several viewers did, too.

Thanks to tipster Luke for sending in this screengrab.

1. Picks his new traveling companion, Jaws.
2. Leaves LA, snazzy suits behind.
3. Signs up for Stallone movie. Sells out.

Yep.

Somehow we were imagining a more artful finish to his Oscar letdown. Maybe, he'd follow up The Wrestler with another heart-wrenching turn in a small indie film that cements his position as one of our Greatest Actors. Unfortunately, Iron Man 2 ins-and-outs aside, it looks like Rourke is going the sell-out route: joining up with Sylvester Stallone in his next action flick The Expendables, which has an all-star cast that's an odd consortium of A-List and D-List, including Dolph Lungdren, Ben Kingsley, and Jet Li.

The two were spotted in L.A. a few days after the Oscars having tea together, which seems sort of wrong. Mickey Rourke and Sylvester Stallone should be drinking Everclear straight out of the bottle and giving each other shots of Human Growth Hormone, not sipping tea.

Anyway, that's not the Stallone movie that makes us sad. (I should point out I have inexplicable reserves of love for Mickey, so Mickey if you're reading this, consider this tough love): It's the possibility that the wrestler will be slumming it in Rambo V.

We understand a man's gotta eat, but isn't it possible to star as a villain in something a bit cooler, like say a Bourne thriller, instead of Rambo? Or even a part in Rocky would be better. Oh, wait…

After all, Rourke — an Oscar frontrunner for his turn in The Wrestler — once grazed on Hollywood's A-list pasture, from which banishment amounted to losing an opportunity that genre hero Van Damme never really had. He's still technically in the action ghetto, by most estimations, but he told Details that he exceeded his Timecop-era chops by just skipping the "acting" part altogether:

I didn't play — it was a truthful situation. That's why it's so good. Thank God I was 47. It was a good timing for me to peel back the skin and show the inside of the fiber — and that dry blood, those scars, you know? It's very strange — movie therapy. [...] Sometimes you have tears about memories, but in that sadness you find joy. The drama and pain of being alone helps you when you go back to normal. You can appreciate it much more.

The "inside of the fiber"? Can you elaborate, Jean-Claude?

I saw myself on the screen — I was disturbed. I was not like, "Wow, I made a great movie, some great action." No, no, no — I was disturbed for a couple of days. The truth is like, why did I open myself so much? I opened the fruit, I peeled the skin, I cut the pulp. I put the pit, and I cut the pit, and I show inside the pit to the audience. I didn't just cut the pulp, you know what I'm saying?

Not really, though it sounds Oscar-friendly enough, and in any case, we really can't wait to see how this applies to the just-announced third installment of that famously introspective franchise Universal Soldier. Just give him the trophy already.

• 60 SECONDS WITH JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME [Details]

• ‘JCVD’ Star Jean-Claude Van Damme... [Vulture]

Kind of like The View, but skewing much younger, funnier and less dramatically hormonal, Smart Girls was announced in September as Poehler's paean to "girls who have unique talents and interests." ON Networks originally planned an October launch, later a casualty of Poehler's maternity leave that has since been pushed back to Nov. 17. Expect the last of special guest Tina Fey's Sarah Palin sketches to appear here as well, casting the Alaska governor as a heartening symbol of what American girls can accomplish with even the most modest flute and firearms skills. Until then, the trailer is below.

• ‘Smart Girls at the Party’ to Launch November 17 [Tilzy]

After his pal, former blink-182 drummer Barker, flung open the emergency exit door, Goldstein recalls, "I tried to cover my face as I jumped through a fireball. As soon as I hit the ground, I remembered, 'Stop, drop and roll.' So I started rolling."

Recovering from the final of three surgeries Goldstein, 35, has undergone procedures to treat his second- and third-degree burns. He says he's coping one day at a time.

More like one gig at a time; he's set to resume his residency at Pure in Vegas next Tuesday, and at this rate we'd almost feel disappointed if he didn't have a complete comeback tour booked by the end of the week. Good luck with that.

[Photo: AP]

• http://www.link.com">DJ AM performs for first time since crash [AP]

• DJ AM: 'I jumped through a fireball' [People]

Stylistically, it's agile, alert and most interested in what's going on in the characters' faces. And that is a lot. Physically imposing at 57 [sic], with a face that bespeaks untold battering and alteration, Rourke is simply staggering as Ram. The camera is rarely off him, and one doesn't want it to be, so entirely does he express the full life of this man with his every word and gesture. Ram's life has been dominated by pain in all its forms, but he's also devoted it to the one thing he loves and excels at, so he asks for no sympathy; he may have regrets, but no complaints.

In fact, Rourke only turns 52 this month — yet another testament to his prodigious talent for playing older, uglier and more selflessly than his preening peers. Look for the discussion to continue to this week in Toronto, where The Wrestler will square off with another has-been high-water mark, Jean-Claude Van Damme's JCVD — thus reviving the Rourke/Van Damme rivalry that so engrossed Razzie Award voters after their doomed 1997 collaboration Double Team. We're likely as glad as they they are to see those days behind them, but we still hope they'll follow proper star-reunion etiquette when passing each other en route to screenings. If we didn't pay to see the fight then, Lord knows we wouldn't pay to see it now.

• 'The Wrestler' [Variety]

He's taking a leave of absence from New York University, where he's double-majoring in fine arts and Middle Eastern studies.

"I initially considered trying to do my academic classes during the day and the play at night, but it's probably not a good idea to mix those things at the same time," he told The Post. "It's my first time out, so I'm sure I'll be putting in a lot more hours in the theater than I would on a film set."

Not only that, young Osment, but you potentially just joined charter member Stephen Dorff in the Jeremy Piven Adversary Club, named in honor of the actor making his own Broadway bow this fall in the Mamet revival Speed the Plow. But no worries! Just remember the convenient Piven-bathroom-fight mnemonic, "Back of the line, I'm doing fine. Cut to the john, it's on," and you'll make influential new friends in no time.

• OSMENT: I SEE B'WAY AUDIENCES [NYP]

Rescuing a film that was placed in limbo by the Capitol Films cash crunch, Nu Image/Millennium Films Overnight Productions has set a June 9 production start on the comedy "Labor Pains."

Going into Cannes, "Labor Pains" was poised to be financed by Capitol Pictures. Then, unions shut down production on the Capitol-financed David O. Russell-directed "Nailed."

Overnight Productions topper Rick Schwartz looked for alternative coin to keep the picture on track, and Lerner was most aggressive. Though Nu Image/Millennium doesn't make a lot of comedies, the company committed to finance before the festival ended. [...]

"I didn't know Lindsay before this, but we looked each other in the eye three months ago, and she has done everything I could have asked," said Schwartz, whose producing credits include "Gangs of New York" and "The Departed."

Minds out of the gutter please, as we're sure Schwartz only asked of Lohan that she keep her nose clean and commit to hitting her call-times in a prompt and non-hungover fashion. Obviously, this project is a crucial one for Lohan, poised nicely to highlight her professionalism and reestablish her viability as a box-office draw. Still, with Hollywood an ADD-afflicted town, we only hope the bloom is still on the pregnancy-movie rose by the time Pains comes out, lest producers find themselves stuck with a marketing challenge whose quick-fix solution—a one-billboard campaign touting the latest from ''the star of Mean Girls and all those lezzie photos from about nine months ago!!"— will ultimately do a disservice to all involved.

• Lindsay Lohan ready for 'Labor Pains' [Variety]

Surprisingly and delightfully, Splash News has the best details on how the alleged new couple behaved at the party:

She wore a tight sexy black dress, Louboutin heels and a bright red lipstick. Britney seemed relaxed and happy and laughed as she and Jason shared some jokes. The pair seemed very comfortable together. They sat in a private VIP booth, stayed for 1/2 hour, Britney took a cigarette break and her father seemed to be happy with his daughter having a great time with Jason.

Britney in Louboutins? Where have her beloved glued-on cowboy kickers run off to? Maybe they'll be her wedding present to Juno Lynn? But, we have to say, our favorite tidbit from this story is the fact that "Britney took a cigarette break" and "her father seemed to be happy" are in the same sentence. It's times like these when, for just a split second, we kind of wish Jamie Spears was our dad too.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• BRITNEY SPEARS SMILES AGAIN AS SHE STEPS OUT WITH NEW AGENT 'BOYFRIEND' [Daily Mail]

According to reports in everyone’s favorite trusted supermarket tabloid, Britney Spears is allegedly deep in planning mode for Comeback #487. Sources tell the National Enquirer that Spears is shelling out up to $10 million on what sounds like a very tasteful, classy-by-way-of-Louisiana string of song-and-dance shows at The Palms, one of K. Fed’s favorite places to sink into debt play the big baller. Where Spears is coming up with all this cash, considering most of her dough is currently going towards her father’s daily rate for babysitting, is still a mystery. But based on the description of her latest plan to “jump-start her career,” we’re not so sure these shows will do much aside from force us to remember Britney Spears Comebacks number 1 through 486:

As their source puts it, "She wants to make a splashy comeback in Las Vegas. She wants the show to be full of high energy and flashy costume changes." And while costume changes would be refreshing after her most infamous Comeback in that bejeweled bikini, her slightly varied outfits throughout that post-rehab string of weavetastic surprise shows at small venues didn't help to disguise the fact that she'd lost her dancing prowess, nor did they help plug our ears. But we do enjoy the use of the word "flashy." A dose of flash or two could have gone a long way towards saving her gritty pole-dancing performance in the video for "Gimme More." Putting aside our lack of belief in her latest scheme, we're primarily worried about Spears spending so much time in Vegas. The last time she "appeared" at an event on the Strip, she wound up wobbly welcoming the New Year before promptly passing out. Lest we forget, this is also the city that hosted her merry garter-adorned dream wedding. What happens to Britney in Vegas rarely stays in Vegas, unfortunately.

• SPEARS IN TALKS TO STAGE VEGAS SHOWS [Contact Music]

John Cusack is in negotiations to star in director Roland Emmerich's (10,000 B.C., The Day After Tomorrow) new disaster movie 2012 for Sony Pictures. The title refers to the year the world is supposed to end after a global cataclysm. Cusack is negotiating to play Jackson Curtis, a divorced dad who alternates between writing and driving a limo. ...

Sony acquired the project in a high-stakes bidding war and is aiming for a summer 2009 release. The price tag for the special-effects laden movie could reach $200 million.

The Hollywood Reporter has stepped in over the last hour to specify a July 10, 2009, release date and to talk down the budget below $200 million — a staggering number under any circumstances, but most certainly for a film featuring John Cusack as a divorced limo driver. By the director of 10,000 BC. Alas, we'll miss this one anyway because this is the part of the post where we shoot ourselves.

[Photo Credit: Wireimage]

• John Cusack in talks for Roland Emmerich's '2012' [EW]

• John Cusack ponders disaster flick [THR]

• WATCH VIDEO

"The guy she hit...says before the accident, he was admiring the white Mercedes and the woman putting on makeup while driving it. It wasn't until after she hit him at an estimated 10-15 MPH that he realized the woman was Britney."

So did Saturday night's fender bender mark the return of The Package? Or did Britney's car just tap the one in front of her, but her celeb status led to mountains being made out of molehills? Taking into account the fact that the accident occurred on a Saturday night in "stop and go traffic," plus the minor speed with which Spears' Mercedes was traveling, we're giving Britney the benefit of the doubt. Also, the guy driving the Nissan has no injuries (his back hurts, though!) Our only concern is in regards to Britney's behavior at the scene: the star reportedly "giggled" while performing her sobriety test. Funny!

[Photo credit: X17]

• BRITNEY HAD COSMETIC DAMAGE BEFORE CRASH [TMZ]
• BRITNEY SPEARS IN MINOR HIGHWAY ACCIDENT [People]

"She believes a reality show is a no-brainer. She can be herself and not have to study lines...Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions."

But considering her lockdown with dad Jamie and void in her social calendar, we're not exactly sure what twists and plotlines Britney has to showcase these days. We suppose prepping for and attending Jamie Lynn's upcoming nuptials down South would make for a couple of quasi-interesting episodes, but we have yet to find an answer to our most burning question: what does Britney do all day? According to Starpulse, most of her time is currently spent meeting with tacky designer Ed Hardy to plan a children's clothing line. Is what the world needs right now really footage of Britney wearing logo hoodies and sewing onesies in her Justin shrine?

[Photo credit: X17]

• CHAOTIC: THE SEQUEL [DListed]
• BRITNEY SPEARS EYES FASHIONABLE FUTURE [Starpulse]

Kathie Lee re-emerged, bony and tight-faced, on NBC's Today Show yesterday. And what a premiere it was! Appearing on the much unneeded fourth hour of the "news" program, Kathie Lee beamed with pride, even as her co-host Hoda Kotb constantly ignored her and cut her off. But it was Harvey Fierstein who brought tears to her eyes, as Kathie Lee was serenaded by the frog-voiced actor. Standing a foot away from him, Kathie Lee leaned in and stared as if she was about to kiss the man of her dreams. (She even repeated this creepy act on today's episode, culminating in a mouth kiss with Gilbert Gottfried.) We can't wait to see what unattractive actor who sounds like a gravel truck she can seduce on Day 3!

Rudolph, of course, is the man responsible for turning Britney from a cute and quasi-talented blonde girl in a Catholic girl's skirt into an international celebrity and, somehow, magically sustained the act for half a decade. But after allegedly attempting to force her into rehab, the union disintegrated, and we all know what's happened since. And if Spears works her charm on the small screen once more, and gives whatever undoubtedly genius plan Randolph has for saving her career a chance, there might actually be hope for her faded star to light fire again. Strange how Britney's ability to step back into the spotlight is almost directly linked to the time it's taken to grow that damn hair back, no?

• BRITNEY RETURNING TO 'HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER'? [TV Guide]
• BRITNEY SPEARS IN TALKS TO RETURN TO CBS SITCOM [Yahoo]
• BRITNEY SPEARS REUNITING WITH MANAGER LARRY RUDOLPH [People]

[Drillbit] is based on a treatment Hughes wrote years ago for Paramount; he never turned it into a script. But two years ago, after Apatow's breakout hit The 40-Year-Old Virgin, the studio enticed him to develop Drillbit.

Hughes decided to not come aboard but has "story by" credit under his longtime pen name Edmond Dantes, protagonist of Alexander Dumas' novel The Count of Monte Cristo. It's the first participation in a feature of any sort for Hughes since he received "story by" credit on 2002's Maid in Manhattan and 2003's Beethoven's Fifth.

Even Apatow has never met Hughes, a notoriously studio-hating brat with the uncanny talent to churn out screenplays faster than most writers can finish a cigarette (''I may get in a lot of shit for this, but the last 40 pages of Home Alone took eight hours to write,'' he memorably told EW in 1994). He has yet to emerge from hiding in Illinois or express any interest in reclaiming his spot as the industry's reigning comedy kingpin, which is fine by us; we love a guy who knows to quit while he's ahead lest such overextended wares as Drillbit Taylor or, worse yet, Apatow's forthcoming mistake Step Brothers have our eyes rolling until they cramp. We strongly urge Brett Ratner, an unwavering devotee of Experimental Rejuvenating Arts&trade including tranny fellatio and frozen-yogurt chauffer bonding, to give a similar reclusion a go.

• Hughes treats Apatow to laughs [Variety]

As this pair of new video samples demonstrates, he's ready to step in at a moment's notice and fill the gaping banter-hole that would certainly develop between presenters like Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg should the WGA and AMPTP not reach a deal before the ceremony, saving everyone involved from another Golden Globes-style debacle.

• Alex Perez: Scab Writer — Oscars Writing Sample #2 [YouTube]
• Previously: WGA Gives Up Reality TV For Now, Studios To Explore Nonunion Staffing Options [Defamer]