Should the strike continue until Oscar night and the ceremony be hobbled by the combination of a red-carpet-marring picket line and SAG no-shows, ABC's TV presentation will consist of nothing but an unbroken shot of a dazzling, highly reflective statuette backgrounded by blinding strobe lights calibrated to induce a four-hour seizure in any viewer unlucky enough to tune in, a psychovisual assault that will leave untold millions of fans so disoriented that they won't be able to recall whether or not any Oscars were actually awarded this year, even days later.

• Oscar® Glistens for His 80th [Oscars.org]
• Previously: The Oscars Will Go On! Somehow! (Exact Plans For Killing Four Hours Still TBD) [Defamer]

Autograph collectors are reeling over the "24" star's decision to stop putting his signature on memorabilia in the wake of his Sept. 25 bust for DUI, when fans and paparazzi snapped footage of him stumbling after he was pulled over at 1 a.m. "He was one of the best autograph signers there was," collector Michael Wehrmann told Page Six.

"He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he's been telling collectors, 'I don't do that anymore. You guys screwed me.' " Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court, but Sutherland pleaded "no contest."

While a signing blackout for full-time collectors could be devastating—shutting down entire eBay wings devoted entirely to hawking 8x10 glossies of the actor signed, "'See you in hell, Fayed!' Best wishes, Kiefer"—the implications for the casual Sutherland fan could reap untold rewards, as any scotch-stained message from the actor drunkenly scrawled on a cocktail napkin reading, "You're [illegible] hot. Call me - 310-829-[illegible] - Kie[illegible]" could now be worth a far heftier sum on the Kiefer collectible market.

• NO AUTOGRAPHS [NY Post]