Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

Boomp3.com

At the premiere for Pride & Glory, star Lake Bell was momentarily star struck when she thought she saw mega movie star Johnny Depp. Bell cautiously approached the quirky Depp only discover it was her Pride & Glory co-star Colin Farrell. Bell tried to play it cool and explained that her co-star looked Johnny Depp from way far away. Farrell explained that she wasn’t the first person to get the two mixed up. Farrell added, “These things happen when you steal some body’s else mystique.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

What made the actor shout "I FUCKING LIVE ON PORN!" and "Aw, the battery's dead...so is my fucking cock" while copulating in a depressing Valley one-bedroom? The answer, it may not surprise you to hear, was that he was totally high and turned on by the taboo of the camera. Still, Farrell claims that he has learned one valuable lesson: it's fine to make a sex tape, just don't leave it behind when you straggle out to the Albertson's on Ventura at 5am for a Hot Pocket and some lube.

• Colin Farrell On Rehab: I Was Dying [HuffPo]

What? You haven't heard of it? Where have you been?

I AM TRUMPETING THE MOTHER OF ALL TALENT CASTING CALLS!!!!.

My movie is called :COLIN FARRELL : A DARK TWISTED PUPPY - THE MOVIE

I will be shooting this fall - WAKE UP THIS IS NOT A DREAM.

For those that haven't been updated, I have adapted my book "COLIN FARRELL: A DARK TWISTED PUPPY," into to a laugh a minute romantic comedy that will be shooting this fall 2008 and will be out next year FEB 2009. ...

What makes this movie unique is that all it takes for anyone 18 years or older to be in my movie is for them to join my fan club , and stay a current member for about two months and you are in my movie.

And all it takes to join Bradford's fan club, of course, is $20. (But the 1,000th member wins $5,000 and a speaking part, so don't rush!) It's a small price to pay for access to a breakthrough like A Dark Twisted Puppy, Bradford's tale of dealing with a "voided lonely soul" who, per her book-jacket copy, "shared his innermost fantasies with me, and also told the tales of his tawdry affairs with such female leading actresses as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Angeline Jolie, and Rosario Dawson to no end, leaving no graphic detail out."

We're not sure where the psychosis ends and the "laugh a minute romantic comedy" kicks in, but in any event, Bradford promises considerable media attention at the Kodak Theater on July 28, likely accompanied by a process server and perhaps even a lawyer casting Farrell v. Bradford: The Civil Suit. That's one we'd pay at least $20 to see.

• 'Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy' [Dessarae Bradford]

As a source told the Mail, Farrell and Forrest "have spent months trying to keep the relationship secret because they are falling madly in love...[Colin] has knocked the drinking on the head and is enjoying life in a completely different way. Emma has been a steadying influence." And judging by Emma's many interviews over the years, the reformed party beast is most likely spending his evenings watching Elizabeth Taylor movie marathons (Emma's idol!), surrounded by cats ("better than men!" says Emma), and plucking "giant flying cockroaches" from his girlfriend's face during her frequent crying fits (they "thrive" on her tears!). To be fair, Forrest might actually be ideal for the volatile Farrell. If anyone can tame his bad boy habits, it has to be the girl who counts Old Dirty Bastard (RIP) among her former paramours.

[Photo credits: X17, AP]

• SKINNY COLIN FARRELL HAS THE LOOK OF LOVE AS HE GOES PUBLIC WITH NEW BRITISH GIRLFRIEND [Daily Mail]

Though Jack Nicholson and Dennis Hopper may have dropped LSD together and smoked a reported 155 joints in a row for just one Easy Rider scene, pictures of the legends puffing on cigars still pop up on the internets to this day. Along with Keith Richards, who continued to prove his immortality by walking this year's Shine A Light red carpet in NY with an ever-present cigarette, Hollywood's most infamous chimneys have been replaced by even heavier habit-afflicted youngsters. Mary-Kate Olsen is so addicted to her Marlboro Reds that she regularly lights up in gala bathrooms, while Shia LaBeouf recently set off security alarms at the Smithsonian in between shooting scenes for Transformers 2 because the bitch-slapper lit up in the john. And we're all well aware that chain-smoker Sam Ronson appears to have gotten lesbionic BFF Lindsay Lohan hooked — though all the straight edge forces within not-so-straight bestie T.R. Knight still haven't done much to come between Heigl and her American Spirits. Which is actually fine with us — the "throatier" her laugh, the weaker her chances of becoming the next Julia Roberts become!

[Photo credits: Wireimage, That Computer Guy, Skinny Celebrities, Extra TV, Just Jared]

• JACK BLACK KICKS HE NICOTINE HABIT [Snarkerati]

Actor Colin Farrell looked slim and toned as he showed off his new ultra-thin physique on the beach in Malibu after his dramatic weight loss for a film role.

Despite his slender frame, the 32-year-old appeared tanned and healthy as he jogged along the beach yesterday.

The Irish heart-throb looked every inch the beach Adonis with his long hair, Celtic tattoos and a sand-covered six-pack.

Farrell has dramatically shed pounds for his role in the upcoming movie, Triage, in which he plays a war photographer.

While Farrell's devotion to his craft is admirable, we can't help but think his inevitable re-porking will disappoint a lot of girls and gays on the east side. To them, we offer an encouraging bit of advice: get thee to the Trader Joe's on Hyperion, where Colin clones can be had on the street for spare change and a fresh box to sleep in.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• Colin Farrell shows off his ultra-thin frame on the beach after dramatic weight loss for war photographer role [Daily Mail]

Playing a prisoner of war in last year's critically acclaimed Rescue Dawn meant Steve Zahn, until then just another token funny buddy actor, was forced to lose 40 pounds on a diet of vegetables and nuts. As he put it, "I never cheated but it was tough - I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy." As for Renee Zellweger, earning Oscar noms for both Chicago and Cold Mountain meant losing twice that much: "I lost 80 pounds for those two roles...my tits disappeared so I had to stuff socks into my bra cup!.” And Matt Damon lost 30 to play the nerdy swindler star of 1999's bold-faced name-packed but Oscarless update of The Talented Mr. Ripley.

As a crack addict with a heart of gold in Half Nelson, Ryan Gosling went from Rachel McAdams' cute boyfriend to Oscar nominee by transforming into a gaunt tweaker. But of course, the most frightening metamorphosis of all time has got to be Christian Bale's unrecognizable appearance in The Machinist, a role which earned him just as many rave reviews as it did health problems. As Bale put it, going from 180 pounds to 120 caused "a massive shock to my body because of what I was trying to get it to do...My metabolism had to get back up to speed, because my heart had got used to a whole different way of living for some time."

• FARRELL GOES FROM TRIM TO THIN [The Sun]

Farrell first went to the eastern town of Srebrenica where some 8,000 Muslim men and boys were killed after it fell to Bosnian Serb forces in July 1995.

"I felt sick," Farrell told Reuters after visiting the cemetery for the victims of the massacre, regarded as Europe's worst atrocity since World War Two.

"It is hard to describe how obviously the air and the land has been poisoned by the act of killing 8,000 people in the space of a day. But you really do get the sense of the pain and the loss and I am sad, I really am sad."

Yikes. Indeed, genocide is a bit of a downer, so much so that we're surprised to see the extent to which producers and stars continue to test this market. Particularly Farrell, whose middling run of late (Cassandra's Dream, In Bruges, the perennially shelved Pride and Glory) isn't quite the momentum burst likely to get troubled war stories in front of viewers. We know these stories should be told, but they have to be sold as well. Is there a way to do both that avoids the photo-op cynicism attending Triage and gets us looking forward to these projects for a change?

In today's episode: Colin Farrell; Jennifer Aniston; Bjork; Donald Sutherland; Masi Oka; Ben Foster and Tom Welling; Elliot Gould; Paul Stanley; and Angelyne.

· Saw Colin Farrell at performance of Wicked Tuesday, December 11. He was with a non-descript woman and two children (not sure of relation); he sat in between the children. They were seated in Row C (I was in Row H). People noticed him but nobody bothered him. He seemed to enjoy the show. Looked exactly like he does in the movies - skuzzy, unkempt long hair, tattoos, etc. Nice on the eyes though.

· Wednesday December 12th, at about 9pm - Jennifer Aniston was sitting behind me at Mozza Pizzeria (Highland & Melrose) tonight, having dinner with 4 other folks (non-celebs). She looked fantastic and seemed to really be enjoying the company of her friends. I still can't believe Brad Pitt dumped her for that whacko Angelina.

· 12/11 The one and only Bjork showed up at Amoeba Records with a small entourage including what was likely her daughter, Isadora and some friends. For a place like Amoeba, a Bjork appearance was akin to the Queen of England showing up to hang with the proles in Trafalgar Square. She was actually quite lovely, made no attempt to hide who she was, and just shopped like anybody else - clad pretty simply, but wearing a black and rainbow colored shawl. That said, in her wake, everyone was obviously excited (I wouldn't be surprised if there were many "Defamer" e-mails mentally composed) and the employees of the store were positively giddy. No sign of husband Matthew Barney, but most certainly he is off on an ice freighter somewhere chasing whales with a 3-D camera for the next "Cremaster" film.

· On Tuesday, December 11, saw a silver-maned, virile Donald Sutherland exiting the Standard Hotel (downtown) with an entourage of one. Why was he there? I'm certain it wasn't to visit the prodigal son.....

· Dec 11 - I'd never been to a private club, so it was fitting to see the powerful, commanding presence-d Donald Sutherland having brunch with some older white Westside types at the table next to me at the Jonathan Club in Sta Monica on Sunday. Guess he loves to brunch with the city's Ruling Class. The club bans just about everything (cell phones, laptops etc.), and I'm sure submitting star sightings to Defamer would be on that list if it were to reach problem levels.

Today in my Hollywood office courtyard Masi Oka was wandering around, probably trying to find the Weitz Bros. offices. Actors always get lost among the cute bungalows there.

· A Thursday night twofer: On my way into Comme Ca to taste this world's greatest burger Jonathan Gold has been going on about (warning: it's only served at lunch), I spotted Six Feet Under bisexual art school creep/mutant angel/3:10 Yuma psychopath Ben Foster leaving the premises. Then later, Superman (not the boring big screen one, the Smallville one) sauntered in. Tom Welling is his name. I had no idea that dude was so tall! 6'3" if he's an inch!

· Yesterday (12/11), I stood in line with Elliot Gould at the West LA (Exposition Blvd) post office. He's tall! He looked just as annoyed as the rest of us to be there.

· 12/13, kirsten dunst, jury duty, l.a. county courthouse

· Video camera-wielding KISS axman Paul Stanley at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood Dec. 9 to watch the concert for Join the Band, a "School of Rock-esque" program for kids. He was there to watch his son Evan, who, turns out, has chops on the ax himself. (Damn birthrights!) The botoxed-and-face-lifted elder-Stanley didn't smile much until his kid's band performed a rousing rendition of "Rock and Roll All Nite". Then, sure enough, the crowd got to witness a sweet father-son moment as Paul sang along from the audience, beaming proudly. Even this jaded LA gal was touched.

· About 10:30 this morning (12/12), heading east on the 101, none other than iconic model and sometime-actress, Angelyne (yes, I know this is a pathetic sighting, but I live in Van Nuys, and we have so little here), tooling down the freeway in her legendary hot-pink Corvette. As she passed me, all I could glimpse was what appeared to be some sort of head, engulfed in a billowing mass of frantically teased blond curls. I held back and watched as at least a half dozen drivers, obviously taking note of the personalized plate that announced her presence, sidled up to her in the next lane, slowed a bit to check her out, and then sped away (in horror? Who can say?). She was still in my sights until she reached the 134 split, where I lost her. Woman has a lead foot.

In today's episode: Colin Farrell; Jon Voight; Dennis Quaid; Vince Vaughn; Tim Roth; Janeane Garofalo; Sandra Oh and Dave Gruber Allen; Noah Wyle; Dave Matthews; Amanda Bynes and Ron Jeremy.

· This morning (9/28) at the ghetto Starbucks on Bundy & Ohio, saw Colin Farrell walking out with a male companion. Didn't look midgety and wasn't greasy at all. I'd do him.

· 9/29 — I appear to be following Jon Voight around the Century City mall.

· Dennis Quaid is totally stalking me. First, I go to Harvelle's two weeks ago for the first time in, like, five years, and his band just *happens* to be playing. Then, I go hiking in Will Rodgers State Park this weekend (9/30) for the first time in, like, a year, and he just *happens* to be walking with his dog and his blonde. Coincidence? His dog wanted to kill my dog for some reason, but Dennis kept that shit under control.

· Saw Vince Vaughn tonight (Sep 30) around 7:00pm at the Mayfair/Gelsons grocery store on Franklin and Bronson. He was wearing a gray t-shirt and with another guy who I didn't recognize. Also, taller and more handsome than expected.

· On Saturday early afternoon I was enjoying that tasty coleslaw at the Houston's in Pasadena when lo and behold, Guildenstern himself (or is it Rosencrantz? I forget) Tim Roth sat at the table next to me with his kids. He promptly ordered a pint (nice) and started playing poker with his kids (niiice). Short, handsome and could probably choke a bitch with one hand.

· Saw Janeane Garofalo at Broadway Bar on Saturday night. She is small, and covered in tattoos that are certain to drive 24's makeup artists and wardrobe staff crazy.

· Sep 28 - Saw Dave Gruber Allen (the guidance counselor on Freaks and Geeks) at the Nature Mart in Los Feliz. Next day, saw Sandra Oh looking really hot in a retro 70's outfit at the WeHo Whole Foods, buying skin care.

· Noah Wyle and wife in the pit at the Hollywood Bowl for Bright Eyes and the LA Phil Saturday night...Noah seemed quite excited to document the moment for posterity and had his wife take his photograph with the Bowl stage behind. Where's a Pap when you really need one? Not a celeb by any means, but one of those skinny bitches that won ANTM was also spotted, Nicole perhaps?

· And now, for the most boring celebrity sighting ever: Noah Wyle and family at the Hollywood Bowl Circus show on September 30. He looked tan and happy, wife and kids looked adorable. It is very strange in the Britney/Lindsay era for celebs to actually be normal. Noah's so on the ball he's even mastered the "contented but not smug" facial expression, something his ex-castmate George has yet to achieve.

· 9/27/07 5:45pm - Stuck in traffic on S. Santa Monica Blvd in BH by Sprinkles. I took a look at the line of suckers when I noticed Dave Matthews (without the band) patiently waiting for his chance to overpay for a measly cupcake.

· amanda bynes was dancing with the gays at popstars last night (9/28)

· Was in terminal 2 at LAX on Sun Sep 29 heading back to Toronto after a glorious four-day jaunt in sunny CA. (I attended a friend's wedding in Temecula, and I tried out for "Merv Griffin's Crosswords" and passed the audition — take that, bitches! I'll be back to tape my show on Nov 12.) Around 11:15am I walked into the washroom to, y'know, go pee, and who should I see fixing his hair but Mr. 9 & 3/4" himself, Ron Jeremy.

I know, Hedgehog sightings in LA are a dime a dozen, but it was exciting for me. I looked for about three seconds as I walked in to be sure it was him, but I decided against bothering him. As I stood at the urinal, by which point Ron had departed, I heard some other guy asking excitedly, "Hey, wasn't that the porn star guy?" Yes: yes, it was.

A guy at work told me I should have asked him for his autograph.
According to the documentary on his life, Ron's a lonely guy who gets no respect, and he likes being recognized.

Stress, whose actual first name is Dave, was taken Tuesday afternoon in Farrell's car to Europe Bound on Front St. E., where Farrell reportedly spent over $2,000 after encouraging Stress to get whatever he wants. Stress proceeded to fill up on a $500 jacket, some boots, pants, and socks.

Farrell also handed Stress a wad of cash to cover at least the first and last month's rent — possibly as much as a year's worth of rent, some reports said — so that he could get off the streets and rent a room.

For Farrell, who was in town this week for the Toronto International Film Festival, it was his second time hanging out with Stress. The two paired up four years ago after a radio host offered $2,000 to anyone who could bring Farrell to the studio. Farrell heard this, found the first homeless person he saw, who happened to be Stress, went to the station, and Stress pocketed the two grand.

Within hours of the charitable act, word had spread among the festival's remaining high-profile attendees, who eschewed the extravagant gift bags made available to them in favor of the new must-have TIFF accessory: a local homeless man. Personal assistants carrying fistfuls of loonies soon poured out of hotel revolving doors and onto Bloor St., with orders not to return until they had obtained an authentic Canadian hobo—or at the very least a dirty looking man who says "Eh?" a lot—who was open to a little sweatshirt and sheepskin-boot pampering at the nearby Roots store.

• Farrell's homeless pal takes a Stress leave [torontosun.com]

Greetings, this is Dessarae Bradford author ofr [sic] the book Colin Farrell: A Dark Twitsted [sic] Puppy, and whom caused a stir on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno confronting Colin Farrell last July. I wanted all my friends in the media to be the first to get the update on what I have in store for you all this year.

First, since my departure from the spot light, I have been working on my album entitled: DESSARAE BRADFORD UNRESTRAINED which features my new rock metal, and hip hop songs " Poison Love" a rock ballet [sic?] and " Rage" a hard metal song that will be presenting first as a single. My "Rage" song targets the two most villianized [sic] figures of our time Osama Bin Laden and Oj Simpson.

Being that those two men are so deeply hated in our culture though for different reason, I decided to write a song in capsulatingt [sic] the hatred that alot [sic] feel for them. [...]

In the "RAGE" video that will be shot in early September, I stalk out Oj and Bin Laden look alikes and murder them during the video hardcore yet comicly [sic], while chanting the hook of the song "YOUR DEATH IS MY REWARD."

And that's just the beginning! The full release, published on Bradford's website, goes on to relay her plans to conquer every facet of the entertainment industry, not the least of which includes her first movie—a self-produced, semi-autobiographical erotic love story, working title, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy - The Movie. It's certain to be the crowning jewel of the multimedia assault inspired by the vernal, canine mating habits of the Irish movie star.

• FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT [blessedadventurepub]

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In today's episode: Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe; Jack Black; Colin Farrell; Dustin Hoffman; Michael Bay, Seth Green, Joshua Jackson, Lance Bass, Efren Ramirez, Josh Henderson, and Ben Lyons; Jennifer Jason Leigh and Noah Baumbach; Tom Freston; Cybill Shepherd; Wentworth Miller and Tia Carrere; Adam Brody; Benjamin McKenzie; Jonah Hill; Wayne Newton; Peter Cambor; Sanjaya Malakar and Phil Stacey.

· Spotted Chad Lowe at the West LA "Bed Bath and Beyond" store this afternoon (Wednesday, June27). He was slumming it in jeans, t-shirt, and ball cap, in the small kitchen appliance section of the store. Looked good, but definitely not a Defamer worthy sighting.

I ended up behind him in the check out line, and this is where the story finally becomes interesting. He suddenly jumped out of the line and ran over to a brunette he spotted in the nearby return section. They enjoyed a loooong hug and when they pulled apart, lo and behold, I could it was ex-wife Hilary Swank, looking quite beautiful while dressed down in a white t-shirt and beige jeans.

They spoke and beamed at one another for about a minute before returning to their separate check out lines. They were quite comfortable with one another, and it was a sweet little moment to witness.

· 6/28 - I had lunch at Mozza on Thursday and to my surprise saw only one celeb (though the place was probably crawling with industry types). Jack Black was seated at the table next to me and had a lengthy lunch with a couple of non-famous, or at least unrecognizable, guys. He looked pretty subdued but appeared to be enjoying himself.

· June 26 I just saw Colin Farrell drinking a latte or some other coffee drink with three other guys at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf behind CAA's deathstar building in Century City.

· 6/27/07 at 4pm Just saw Dustin Hoffman pull up to the Brentwood Longs Drugs in his prius (of course). Wandered casually into the store and added a few pumice stones to his cavernous cart, while talking on his cellphone. Looked a little lost, but who isn't since they did remodeled. Khakis and polo and a gorgeous antique watch complemented the relaxed Westside afternoon loafer look.

· At the "Transformers" premiere in Westwood on 6/27 - Josh Henderson (looking just like you'd expect of someone who's done Paris - totally gross and totally out of it), Joshua Jackson (thin, in skinny man jeans, but still looking really good, still don't want him to be Fletch), Lance Bass (he had dark hair, looked like, you know, himself), star Kevin Dunn (very nice to fans), Seth Green (dark hair, short as ever, on the non-star blue? carpet), Efren "Pedro" Ramirez (he, frankly, looked insane), Ben Lyons (the E! guy, actually really cute and really nice), and Michael Bay (the man himdamnself, whom I accidentally got drunk and accosted with weird compliments; sorry, dude, your movie rocked!). Is it wrong that even after this motley crew of sightings, I still feel empty inside because of NO Shia sightings???

· Tuesday night was on my way to meeting friends at a bar on 3rd and outside Orso ran into the valet stand hubbub. Slowed down drive-by style and was rewarded with Jennifer Jason Leigh hugging it out with dining companions including hubby Noah Baumbach (sporting a beard to stave off the ravages of age?). Speaking of which, JJL was looking good for an actress of a certain age.

Deposed Viacom CEO Tom Freston was also there, digging up some scratch to tip our red-vested friends. Unclear if they dined together to discuss The Anniversary Party 2 as comeback vehicle for Freston.

· Stopped by Amoeba yesterday afternoon (6-27) to see if Paul McCartney was doing some pre-show shopping, spotted Cybill Shepherd instead. Is she a fan??

· Friday morning 6/29 - stopping at my on-the-way-to-the-office
Starbucks in Larchmont Village and hit a two-fer: As I'm parking,
the former 'Babe-Raham Lincoln' of Wayne's World, Tia Carrere getting into her german import in the spot next to mine. Not so much with the "Schwiiiing" these days. Next, as I await my new and rather tasty breakfast sandwich to emerge from the microwave, I notice Wentworth Miller of Prison Break waiting for his venti soy latte. Very normal and unassuming in shorts and tee albeit for the trademark buzz-cut and blue eyes. The actor cum barista says to him "you ready?" which I assume is a reference to production starting up again and he replies "I don't have a choice". Really? Come on guy things be worse, you could be on the other side of the counter kissing the ass of some pretentiously named TV actor, cheer up millionaire!

· My boyfriend and I saw Adam Brody at Canter's Deli around 1:45am on Sunday night/Monday early morning. He had about a few day's worth of facial hair growth, generally looked unclean and was skinny as hell. I covertly told my boyfriend it was him and he was skeptical until he spied his name on his driver's license (boyfriend was standing behind him in line, waiting to pay). Some girl noticed him and was vaguely trying to talk to him even though he had his hood up and looked like he really didn't want anyone to be noticing him. Still, he seemed nice to her even though he bolted out of there once he finished paying.

· Thursday, June 28th Just had lunch at the 3 Square Bakery on Abott Kinney where I saw Benjamin McKenzie enjoying a salad and perusing a script at the empty communal table. He is cute and compact in that "weren't you on the varsity soccer team at my high school?" kind of way. I was hoping he would reenact one of his Emmy worthy freak-out-and punch-the-wall scenes that made Ryan from Chino such a crowd pleaser, but sadly, he was just another cute guy eating organic greens in Venice.

· 6/26, around 8pm. Spotted a cute husky guy on a bike on the corner of 3rd and Crescent Heights. Upon closer inspection/abject staring I figure out its Ebay-store scene stealer Jonah Hill. It took me a second to recognize him because he had a serious beard going along with his fro, which made him look a lot older. I was taken back by how cute he looked in his black t-shirt and jeans, and also the fact that he was riding a bike (although it was in distinctly hipster-ish way). He stopped on the corner to mess with his Ipod, which he returned to his bright red messenger bag before continuing down the street. I was in my car, so therefore resisted the urge to ask him for Seth Rogen's number.

· Leaving an appointment on the Disney lot (6-28). I see a weirdly skanky looking blonde. 50ish with really bad roots and leathery tan. "Who could that woman be with?" I think to myself. Then I saw him and realized there really was only one possible answer: Wayne Newton. Wearing sunglasses with the blackest hair you've ever seen. Is it fake? Real? Plugs? I couldn't tell, but there was definitely something odd about it. My friend and I and the security guard shared a nice giggle.

· Location: Abbot Kinney - Stroh's Coffee Shop
Target: Peter Cambor (ABC's Notes from the Underbelly)
Date/Time: 6/28 10AMish

My co-workers and I stopped by to grab some much needed coffee. Even before I entered into the café, I noticed a cute guy (sunglasses on) sitting outside with his dog and a friend. He looked really, really
familiar.

I get my coffee and stand outside the café with my co-worker as I rack my brain to figure out where I've seen that "cute" guy. Not from show Office... Was he in Knock Up — no, he wasn't Paul Rudd.

As my co-workers and I neared the office, I ask them if they saw that guy and recognized him. My co-worker comments that the dog was beautiful.

Then I realize that it's that guy from the show about people being
pregnant on ABC. Of course, I look it up on ABC.com but the show isn't listed anymore (cancelled?!). I then remember it had that girl from the Rice Cake commercials in it too (she was pretty funny actually).

Googled: Rice Cake commercial which led me to Yahoo Answers which led me Rachael Harris' imdb site which led me to Notes from the Underbelly which finally led me to Peter Cambor. If anything, this made me realize that I have way too much time on my hands.

Thanks for listening,

· Tuesday June 26 2:30pm @ Urth Cafe on Melrose...TWO! American Idol Contestants walking down Melrose in front of Urth Cafe. Phil Stacey (the bald dude) and Sanfuckingjaya!! There was a third person with them but I didn't see their face. For all I know it could've been that beat box dude. No crazy hairdo for Sanjaya. He and Phil were not holding hands.

In today's episode: Colin Farrell; Robert Downey, Jr., Gary Shandling, and Kevin Pollack; Lisa Kudrow, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette; Brian Grazer; Michael Richards; Jason Lee and Jason Segel; John Krasinski and Adam Scott; Roger Avary; Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox; and Chris Owen.

· 6/25 - About 10 pm, jumping into the least comically long line at Hollywood/Western Ralph's, fairly checked out after a long work day. Only after vaguely registering an Irish brogue on the tatted, muscle-shirted, pork-pied gentleman in front of me, i do notice he was about to leave his milk jug behind. He returns to grab it after cashier & I shout him down, and he is then obviously Colin Farrell, with a hardy "thanks then, mates" for us. Being at least a mile from any fashionable locale and being above-average male height seems the ultimate combination to fly under the radar, or no one had seen "Tigerland" on the late shift.

· Went to the Police show at Dodger Stadium (6-23). I had great seats so I started looking for celebs and was initially disappointed when the only person I recognized was the obviously mentally challenged Cousin Sal from The Jimmy Kimmel Show. Then I spotted Gary Shandling, Robert Downey, Jr. , and Kevin Pollack. Not too shabby.

· Went on Thursday 6/21 to One on Sunset. Lisa Kudrow was there having dinner with her husband and another older-ish couple that aren't famous. She's much prettier in person. Her husband went the sweater around the shoulders route. I bit later Courteney Cox and David Arquette dropped in. They were both much better looking and even tinier than I would have imagined. Courtney spoke with Lisa and other friends, while David spent the entire time running back and forth talking on his phone. While we were waiting for the valet an Escalade swooped up, David jumped in and the driver screeched off. Maybe Coco needed a parent to come home?

· Saw Brian Grazer at Glu Gallery's "Everything Must Go" opening on Beverly last night (6/23). Scariest part? Your giant Grazer head shot is actually life size....that dude is tiny!

· More than 10 years of going down to the Third Street Promenade on a regular basis, and I finally had my first celebrity sighting down there last Sunday the 24th - and boy, was it a good one. Walking down Santa Monica Blvd. toward the beach at around 2 p.m., I passed ex- Kramer Michael Richards, who was carrying a bunch of shopping bags and looking a bit winded as he went his not-so merry way. Being of the Negro persuasion myself, I resisted the immediate temptation of pointing at the doghouse-residing star and shouting ... well, you know.

· The Two Jasons: On the way to the House of Pies last Sat. (June 23) I spied Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother/Knocked Up) sidewalk seated with a lady friend. On the return trip I passed Jason/Earl Lee puffing on a cig at the Prospect and Vermont car wash. Kept my eyes peeled for Priestly, Patric and/or Schwartzman but no luck.

· 6/23 - Walking out of the movie theater at the Grove, I spotted Adam Scott (I had to look him up and I bet you would have too - he was the gay friend in Monster-In-Law and the male nurse in Knocked Up). He's cute. Minutes later, I was walking into AOC when my current crush John Krasinski brushed past me on his way out. Seriously cute and oh so talented. He looked like he was maybe with an industry type couple and a nice looking older couple who could have been his parents. The older gentleman graciously complimented the hosts on the wonderful dining experience, so he couldn't have been from here because we're not that nice.

· 6-23 I'm shopping at Whole Foods in Santa Monica and who do I spot in the vegan raw food section but the Academy Award winning writer of Pulp Fiction and director of The Rules of Attraction, Roger Avary. He looked good (blond and semi-fit), but he was talking to himself like a homeless person, muttering things like "this for me" and "body likes this" in a voice that was a little too loud. I looked for a Bluetooth headset, but saw none. His cart was full of various raw food items, like pizza made out of cashews and other things gross, and he must have been there for at least 15 minutes agonizing over what goofy food item pleased him more. Then, very clearly, he half shouts "Damned Nazi's — DIE!" I have no idea what was irking him so, but it scared me enough to turn and walk away.

· went to see the Police @ Dodger Stadium last night, 6/23. while waiting in line for a margarita, noticed JAY MOHR + NIKKI COX walking by. he was working a '70s porn star 'stache. which makes sense, since NIKKI has over-inflated Juvoderm porn star lips. looked like he was following her around like a puppy dog. so sad.

· 6/24/07 stopped into Chipotle at the Grove and see none other than Chris "The Sherminator" Owen (I definitely had to Google him) waiting in line. He was waiting to pick up a special order quesadilla (why?). Looks exactly like he does in the movies, which is sort of unfortunate for him.

In today's episode: Chris Rock; Colin Farrell; Drew Barrymore and Carmen Electra; David Spade; Kevin Federline; Jessica Biel; Kirstie Alley; David Caruso; David Lynch; Anna Paquin; Marg Helgenberger; Adam Brody; Mary Lynn Rajskub; Adam Goldberg and Christina Ricci; Sean Hayes; Casey Affleck; Neal McDonough; Juliette Lewis; Rachel Bilson and David Faustino; Nicky Hilton; Lee Grant; Jon Lands and Michael J. Pollard.

· Last night (Wednesday) doing some last minute errands at the Farmer's Market, I saw Chris Rock suddenly scurrying by the Gumbo Pot, trying hard not to be noticed in a baseball cap. "Huh," I shrugged. Ran to do some other errands and then had to go back to the Grove...where I see Chris Rock again, now with a girlfriend (wife? friend?) walking a little less briskly into the parking garage. Huh. Celebrities go Christmas shopping, too

· I was seeing a play at the Elephant theater on Santa Monica and a little street just East of Vine. There are like five theaters on that one little corner, and as I was leaving the show I was seeing, I saw Colin Farrell outside one of the other theaters....... sooooooooooooooo hot looking in a rough trade kinda way (oh great, now I'll be accused of being his publicist, like when I said Al Pacino looked hot. What can I say? Me like boys.) I'm of Irish descent and have just gotten back from Dublin, but did I say anything? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

· One Whole Foods store, two sightings, five minutes: My pursuit of good health through better eating was rewarded by sighting the adorably down-to-earth Drew Barrymore (no makeup, casual outfit, so low-key I didn't recognize her till I heard her voice) and, five minutes later, Carmen Electra. Drew was with a very friendly looking guy whom I guess was her b.f., and she was being so genuinely sweet and nice to the Whole Foods clerks who were helping her that I decided to return the favor by not asking her if I could send my script to her office. Carmen was dressed in kind of a casual, non-revealing top (appropriate for grocery shopping), shiny orange-blonde hair, not much makeup and a short skirt that showed off her very nice legs. Not that I noticed. She smiled downright demurely when she noticed I recognized her; very cute!

· Tszi tszi fly! Tszi tszi fly! David Spade at hamburger hamlet, yes...THAT hamburger hamlet. (Wednesday Dec 13 1.42pm) standing up and lingering alittle too long by his booth after eating with a more blue collar jack black lookalike (if possible)... Spade must be up to something.

· December 13: Saw K-Fed, holding one of his spawn (visual evidence suggests it was one of the Shar-babies), and posse of large African-American men going into the exit of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. (Is this how celebs get onto rides without having to deal with the hoi polloi?) Federline and his friends were all wearing these hideous hoodies that looked like baby clothing in adult sizes.

· Jessica Biel with 8 others (including I think Lohan's former assistant) having dinner at Wahoo's Fish Taco in Santa Monica. She is beautiful in person, and has amazing boobs. Looked like she was having the tacos from where I sat

· 12/13/06-

Just saw Kirstie Alley in "Paper Goose", stationary store/print shop in Studio City. She was chatting on her cell phone loud enough so that everyone from here to Northridge could hear her business—some crap about blocking an Enquirer story. She was picking up some invitations she had printed and said they were not what she had ordered. The woman told her that she had faxed a proof for her approval but she had not heard anything back so she just went ahead and printed the invites as originally instructed. Kirstie demanded to have them re-done immediately. The woman at the store explained that she was backed up because of Xmas and then Kirstie just said "Fine! I'll just work with them!" and walked out in a huff. I am only saying this because she was mean to the employees but homegirl ain't 145 pounds. Lookin' tubby.

· My friends and I went to the Magritte exhibit at the LACMA on Saturday, 12/9 (it's really great, BTW) and we were admiring "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" when I heard a toddler making a lot of noise. I turned around to give the evil eye to the child's mother when I hear the Horatio Caine voice next to me say "Don't worry, baby, daddy's not goin' anywhere!" Mr. "I quit NYPD Blue after one season" David Caruso was right next to me. He's taller than I expected (6') and his hair is really bright orange. His wife and kid are young and cute. I didn't think it was possible that the character he plays on CSI: Miami is really that over the top, but it turns out that it's the real David in there.

· Don't know if you're interested but David Lynch is back with his cow on the corner of Hollywood and La Brea in support of Laura Dern's performance in Inland Empire. Mr. Lynch was quite friendly. He posed for photos and smoked. The cow looked less friendly and slightly more scared but resigned to its fate (didn't look to see if it was male or female) of playing second fiddle to the surreal maestro.

· 12/12 - Saw a petite ANNA PAQUIN with a few girlfriends at OBar Tuesday night. She is a very pretty girl. She and her friends sat at a back booth in plain sight, but I don't think many people recognized her. It's a fairly well known fact that Tuesday nights are designated at OBar for the ladies to come "out". Now, I'm not one to gossip, but if she's there, then she might be queer.

· Saw Marg Helgenberger (or however you spell her last name) exciting La Partie, the stationary store on Montana. She looked Botoxed but pretty, as you would expect.

· Monday, 12/11. Arclight. 10:50 showing of The Holiday. Spotted Adam Brody (The OC) and an equally attractive male friend in the audience. I'm still confused by this. He's skinny, but adorable (like, "Wow, I wouldn't mind sitting on his face for a while" adorable). He's straight...right? Or was Bilson just his Beard? Why does it seem weird that he'd be at a romantic comedy with another guy?

· Saw the awesome Mary Lynn Rajskub at the Lava Lounge 13th anniversary shindig last night (12/13), enjoying the garage-y musical stylings of the Tulsa Skull Swingers. This brings the number of former Mr. Show cast members I've spotted to four (Bob Odenkirk at the Shell station at Sunset & Wilton a few months ago; Dave "Gruber" Allen at the Steve Allen Theater earlier in the year; and Brian Posehn at the Virgin Megastore last year) — five if you count seeing Paul F. Tompkins perform at Largo. Tom Kenny, you're next!

· this week - christina ricci and adam goldberg at sushi ike. I thought they broke up? they looked very much together at the sushi restaurant. also, they really like tuna sashimi. they got a big plate of both maguro and albacore. didn't see what else they had. and while I think christina sometimes looks kind of odd on film, she's very cute and small in person. and on wed, sean hayes from will & grace at lou. he walked in quietly and sat with a female friend with his back to the restaurant. very understated and not very Jack-like at all.

· Who shops at Nature Mart in Los Feliz? On Wednesday evening it was Casey Affleck. The charming small boy in his basket inspired some cheerful conversation with the 'bulk foods' section employees. I did not inquire as to whether he brought the boy, or acquired him there at the health food store.

· Saw Neal McDonough of War of the World and Walking Tall fame yesterday morning (12/13) on Larchmont pushing around a baby in a stroller. Seemed pretty normal but still gave off just enough of that "I'm an actor" vibe.

· Yesterday in 90068: Juliette Lewis looking at a house for rent in my neighborhood. Oh please, oh please, Juliette, bring your patented brand of crazy to my block. Wear your skin tight catsuit, play that sweaty rock and roll, whatever you want to do, just do it here!

· My first SUBMITTED sighting and it's a twofer. Having brunch in the courtyard of Hookah Lounge on Melrose (Old Luna Cafe. Miss it.) before my hummus hit the table I see someone with what can only be described as NOTICE ME hair coming in thru the back gate... It's the magic man, David Faustino from Married With Children. His hair doubled his height; he came up to my waist. After the meal I was walking out thru the front past the bar, and a cute couple stroll in and I realize it's Rachel Bilson and some guy who should be playing guitar in a late 90's band. I don't think they were meeting with Bud Bundy, but if the buzz around the OC is true, they should probably consider some sort of CW/Warner Brothers spec project. Or temping.

· Saw Nicky Hilton the other night (12/12) at Mastro's in Beverly Hills dining with her new boyfriend David Katzenberg. Pulled up in a black Range Rover and ducked inside. Nicky was brunette that evening, dressed pretty simply in skinny jeans and a black tunic top. I was surprised at how completely normal she looked - no different than the typical trendy LA girl.

· Saturday, Dec 9th (I kow it's late, but it SCARED me)

Entering Ralph's on Beverly at Doheny. Lee Grant. I didn't want to stare but I'm 99% sure it was her. Damn. When I saw "Mulholland Drive" I thought they were so cruel lighting her. They were actually kind.

· Got a lunch-time two-fer today (Dec. 13th) at Nate n' Al's in Beverly Hills. JON LANDIS, of "Animal House" fame (and not much else lately). Dressed in coat, tie and (hmmm) bluejeans. Laughing, chatting amiably; probably thinks no one remembers he caused Vic Morrow's decapitation on the set of the"Twilight Zone" movie. Two tables over, sitting by himself, was "Bonnie and Clyde" co-star MICHAEL J. POLLARD, enjoying some scrambled eggs. The guy weighs less than Nicole Richie ... and was carrying a black and red leather man-purse. Truly odd. But at least he only killed people on-screen.

Through the course of me talking to him for 6 months, and hearing him out and about, and hearing the groupies screaming over him, while we were on the phone, and hearing him at the pubs getting drunk off his butt, I realized that it was Colin for sure, probably three days in to first talking to him, let alone later in the following months. Later on, he sent me a birthday card with $100 in it. [...]

Once I gave him my private cell phone number, that's how he used to call me, and eventually, I gave him my home number too, and yes, I tried all those things that you've all suggested - I tried hanging up, I tried screening my calls, but he just started blocking his number out. I even tried cursing him out. But nothing deterred him... He felt that he was above reproach because of who he is in Hollywood. And in a way, yesterday, the judge enabled him to think this even more. You cannot imagine what it's like to have someone not accept your rejection to the point of persistently calling you.

Most of the audience questions were of the, "Wouldn't saving a single recording of any of these hundreds of phone calls have helped your case?" variety, something Bradford never manages to fully answer. She does claim to have one highly incriminating recording of a sexy video she sent to the actor; astonishingly, however, no judge has yet been convinced that a tape of Bradford staring into a camera and addressing Colin as though she knew him intimately somehow discounted the whole stalking thing. Perhaps not until she gives officials a personally guided tour of her votive candle, crucifix and newspaper clipping shrine to the actor will they realize the extent to which Farrell tormented her on a regular basis.

• Keep Away, Dessarae Chat Transcript [CourtTV.com]