Satriani is reportedly still upset about the British quartet's "Viva La Vida," which boasts a curiously similar melody to one of the guitar icon's '90s masterworks. The ensuing controversy — complete with fan-cultivated evidence and Coldplay leader Chris Martin's infamous "Moe Batriani" kiss-off — had subsided and was thought settled in Wanker Court or wherever such tussles are typically resolved.

But now we know Satriani, like a snake lurking in the tall, think awards-season grass, was simply priming his legal minions for a spectacular sneak attack. Behold — the Grambush:

[A]ttorney Howard King of King Paterno et al [...] claims that Coldplay has dodged being served, and that the Grammys are the easiest forum at which to strike while the iron is hot.

King says, "We have warned their British lawyers that we have hired a fleet of process servers lined up to dog the band everywhere they go this weekend in the hopes of serving them."

King even promises to have camera crews roaming around with the process servers to get the whole thing on tape.

Finally! A reason to watch the Grammys. Still, the strategy seems to entail a lot of work that could probably be consolidated into a single incident like the one that befell Bob Dylan in 1998, with the stage-crashing antics of "Soy Bomb" upgraded to involve four process servers with subpoenas painted in fine print on their bare chests. Either that, or Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift can lyrically duet the documents in the band's direction in a 10-minute awardscast filibuster. Either/or, we'll take whatever.

• Gwyneth's Hubby: Viva La Lawsuit [Fox News]

Coldplay leader/interpretive-dance maven Chris Martin first invoked Satriani's complaint two months ago in a recently unearthed Q&A on Yahoo!, issuing the modest denial:

"When we finished the song 'Viva La Vida,' our only hit single, we knew that was good. And I will maintain that till my dying day, that it's not that bad. Although we are being sued by about 12 people who say that we stole it, though I promise we didn't. Including... I probably shouldn't say. [Laughter] I can't tell you, I can't tell you, but it rhymes with Moe Batriani."

Cheeky! Earlier today, meanwhile, not long after Satriani all but sobbed to MTV in tasty, typically arpeggiated triplets, the band made a more earnest appeal on its Web site:

With the greatest possible respect to Joe Satriani, we have now unfortunately found it necessary to respond publicly to his allegations. If there are any similarities between our two pieces of music, they are entirely coincidental, and just as surprising to us as to him. Joe Satriani is a great musician, but he did not write or have any influence on the song 'Viva La Vida.' We respectfully ask him to accept our assurances of this and wish him well with all future endeavours.

Translation: "Seriously, Moe — with the greatest possible respect, we're kind of partial to Ashlee Simpson." We'll see them in court.

• Joe Satriani [Coldplay]

• Coldplagiarism? Say It Ain't So, Joe [Yahoo!]

Satriani cites the inclusion of "substantial original portions" of his 2004 instrumental "If I Could Fly" in Coldplay's own song, which was nominated Friday for the Grammy Awards' Song, Record and a portion of Album of the Year prizes. It's curious timing to be sure; the accompanying video breaking down the melodic and chord-progression similarities between "Viva La Vida" and "If I Could Fly" first surfaced online six months ago, when Coldplay was well past healthy levels of overexposure on tour, on radio, on iPod commercials and anywhere else non-discriminating ears could be found.

But whether Satriani really wants "'any and all profits' attributable to the alleged copyright infringement," as Reuters reports, or if he just wants to force a settlement allowing him to splatter some fuckin' hot lixx all over the Grammy stage seems beside the point. The songs' overlaps are the latest in a disturbing trend of Coldplay kleptomania that previously ensnared Ashlee Simpson and the band the Creaky Boards, and which we expect will naturally lead us to a more insidious investigation: From whom did Chris Martin steal his dance-ish convulsions viewed last month on Saturday Night Live? We think we have a pretty solid guess, but feel free to suggest alternatives.

• Did Coldplay copy Joe Satriani? [YouTube]

• Guitarist Satriani accuses Coldplay of plagiarism [Reuters]

The British quartet fell one nod short of rapper Lil Wayne's eight Grammy nominations, with their Viva La Vida and Tha Carter III (respectively, we think) facing Radiohead, Ne-Yo and Robert Plant and Alison Krauss for Album of the Year honors. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye West followed with six nominations each, virtually none of whom will compete against the more formidable artistry of Jason Mraz ("I'm Yours"), Adele ("Chasing Pavements"), M.I.A. ("Paper Planes"), Sara Bareilles ("Love Song"), Estelle ("American Boy") and Leona Lewis ("Bleeding Love"), who will all vie for either/or/both the prizes for Song and Record of the Year.

And finally, providing the flaming beacon around which Pop-Culture Satan's vast armies have begun their bloodthirsty convergence, The Jonas Brothers are the runaway favorites to claim the year's Bew New Artist award — after three albums. (The Emanuel Brothers, though? Snubbed!) They humbly accepted their nomination in front of millions on Wednesday night:

"I can't believe we're here today, onstage," Kevin Jonas said backstage. "We've always dreamed of being recognized for being artists," Joe Jonas said. Brother Nick Jonas added, "I think what's been very important for us is the songwriting."

In fairness, we've already established that their singing and their style are clearly subordinate, so hey — why not? May their Grammy mascotry lead us all to a more melodic, creative Apocalypse for all. And pass the vodka.

• Lil Wayne, Coldplay lead Grammy noms [THR]

• Hip-hop, rock represent at Grammys [Variety]

One source said: 'Her idea is to show, step by step, what she does every day to stay in shape. There won't be much fancy equipment involved either, because her workout is mostly yoga, some basic Pilates and flexibility, and resistance training.'

Gwyneth, 35, has previously revealed she undergoes gruelling daily workouts with her personal trainer, even training via webcam when they are apart.

And, when training on her own gets boring, Gwyneth pops round to good friend Madonna's house for a sweat-session in her personal gym.

Fitness fanatic Madonna won’t feature in the DVD but, added the insider, 'some of her techniques will be shown.'

While we're all atingle that Paltrow's DVD might demonstrate how to attain Madonna-like biceps (seriously, we've got string bean arms over here), with tips like those, we think we could probably beat her to the punch with a simple, retitled DVD on how to get a body like Gwyneth Paltrow's: Be Rich.

• Gwyneth Paltrow fitness DVD [Marie Claire UK]

boomp3.com

After the Tuesday night Coldplay concert in Inglewood, the maybe star of Inglorious Bastards Leonardo DiCaprio tried to make a quick exit. Unfortunately for DiCaprio, assortments of photographers were ready to greet him by his luxury car. Like a man whose just been caught cheating, DiCaprio reluctantly admitted that he likes Coldplay, but only "about this much."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

Bride Of Chucky star Katherine Heigl and husband/rocker Joshua Kelley ran into a bit of trouble with an old man while on way to the Coldplay concert. The commotion began when Heigl made a stop in an Los Angeles area neighborhood to pick up an friend. As soon as she stepped out of the car, Heigl was greeted by paparazzi and fans taking pictures. The old man, reportedly named Mr. Johnson, came out storming out of his 2 bedroom ranch when the flashbulbs and clamor made it nearly impossible for him and his wife, Gertrude, to watch America's Got Talent. Mr. Johnson told Heigl that if she didn't leave by the count of ten, he would turn the hose on them. A panicked Joshua Kelley grabbed Heigl and headed into the car, explaining that he didn't want to get his hair wet.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

After being dropped off in Inglewood for the Coldplay concert, Eva Longoria Parker and husband Tony Parker checked their respective messages on their new iPhones. Yet the twosome became so enchanted with their new phones that they missed the concert altogether. Longoria Parker had noticed that they missed the show when the car service came back to pick them up. The driver asked if they enjoyed the concert after pulling up, but Longoria Parker thought that the man had just dropped them off. The Over Her Dead Body star realized that they had been spending all their time on their phones. Longoria asked if her husband knew that they had missed the concert, but Parker said that he had been watching Coldplay videos on YouTube; so, it was similar to being at the concert, only minus the spilt beer smell.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

“[Martin] admits that he worried he was gay while growing up. ‘It was more like, 'Oh shit, what if? But then it struck me: who gives a shit? When you're a kid you think, 'I'm going to burn in hell for eternity if I like other guys or if I marry someone Jewish'. He eventually realized he was heterosexual. ‘I was swayed by boobs.’”

After revealing his ultimate conclusion that boobs were just more fantastic than any part of the male anatomy, Martin has the following to say about his love-hate relationship with Americans (shouldn't RS have reminded him that, ahem, his wife is from these parts despite her case of the Madonnas?): "It's a bummer, because over half of Americans are the coolest people on the planet. Of course, Barack Obama is human like the rest of us. He's going to fuck up." We'll forgive Martin for including Paltrow in the "cool" half, but his admitted insecurity issues dealing with the fact that he's dating Brad's ex are hard to swallow: "You've got to be hungry...If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?...I've only been in one serious relationship...Is that weird? I don't think it's that weird." No Chris, we don't think it's that weird, but you know what is? Giving a flying fuck that Paltrow spent some hairstyle-matching years on Pitt's arm. Just because Pitt's sperm may be magically charged with robust twin-making soldiers as compared to your one-at-a-time guys, it shouldn't matter to you because, hey, you got the girl. Chill out, enjoy her hooker wardrobe phase, and write a song about it.

• THE JESUS OF UNCOOL [Rolling Stone]
• COLDPLAY STAR CHRIS MARTIN ADMITS HE IS JEALOUS OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S EX BRAD PITT [Daily Telegraph]

As Gwyneth explains, "I was very, very attached to my hair. I grew it when I was pregnant. I still had hair from when my father was alive. I made it like a talisman. And then I was ready to let go of it, and so I chopped it off and ... aaah!" Anyone else find the dichotomy between explaining that your loved and adored father was somehow represented in your long stringy Rapunzel-like hair, and that one day you were just kind of like, "Eh! Guess it's time to say buh-bye" very, well, very Gwyneth Paltrow? But getting back to the case of her Jolie-envy, it seems that Martin may not even have to roll around with Paltrow after all — she's "open" to adoption just like every other famous woman in Hollywood, and seems to be implying that choosing not to adopt is pretty much like giving the middle finger to all the starving infants out there.

• GWYNETH PALTROW: 'I MAY FORCE MYSELF TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN' [Us]

The Proof star is a germophobe, according to a report, who takes her own hairbrush and comb to the hairdresser, won t use public restrooms, and has even taken to scrubbing the bathtubs at hotels where she s staying.

She s always been pretty clean-obsessed, but recently it s reached a whole new level, a source close to the actress told Star magazine. According to the source, Paltrow insists that visitors take off their shoes at her house, she sometimes won t shake people s hands, and she often asks people to use antibacterial soap before they touch her young daughter, Apple.

Paltrow s spokesman confirms the actress s no-shoes policy and said that when Apple was a few weeks old her mother may have been rather protective, but dismisses the other claims.

Among those claims are the oft-repeated rumors that Apple was conceived through a hole cut into a plastic bubble, while the soothing strains of husband Chris Martin's band Coldplay, the perfect soundtrack for antiseptic lovemaking, purred in the background.

• An Apple a day keeps the germs away [MSNBC.com] (Second Item)
• Previously: Gwyneth Smuggles Fruit Out Of Troubled America [Defamer]