While Mirren defended a woman's right to say "no" at any point, she's not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

"I don't think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances," she continued, "It's such a tricky area, isn't it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don't think he was a rapist."

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. "I loved coke," she continues. "I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties." (She also says she hasn't touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

"Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy," she adds. "And I woke up one day and thought, 'No more of that, thank you.' "

Now that Mirren's shocking tales have made Caligula look like a fun, G-rated romp, our long-standing Defamer crush on the actress has become as confused as the plot of Teaching Mrs. Tingle. In no way do we endorse date rapes or Mike Tyson, so perhaps you'll excuse us if we take some time out to re-assess our feelings for the erstwhile Queen Elizabeth. Sure, she can fill out a cherry-red bikini like no other 63-year-old, but for now, we're going to put away our heavily-scratched DVD of Calendar Girls and reflect on a happy time when our Hollywood summer didn't seem quite so rapey.

[Photo credits: Brenna/Jason Fraser via Daily Mail]

• Helen Mirren Shocker: I 'Loved Coke' & Was Date Raped [People]

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Vote early and often!

• TATUM TO COPS: THANKS! [NY Post]

1. Buying crack on the street: Tatum O'Neal—as we mentioned earlier, celebrities should all certainly have private, high-class connections to make discreet deliveries to their door. Buying rocks off the street is for the poors.

2. Calling the police while you do coke: Boy George—the singer made a frantic 911 call saying his home was being burglarized, only to be arrested on a drug charge after the cops found an eight-ball in his apartment when they showed up to investigate. Needless to say: do not call the police while you do coke. Christ.

3. Allowing yourself to be videotaped smoking crack: Amy Winehouse—the crazy British beehive badass got arrested after a tape of her smoking the rock was "passed to Scotland Yard." Shouldn't they be investigating mysterious murders in locked rooms, or something? In any case, if you're going to smoke crack, and you are a very famous person, be sure to do it with no recording devices present. (This goes for regular cameras too, Kate Moss).

4. Annoying your relatives so much they sell you out: Whitney Houston—The singer went so crazy on crack that her sister-in-law Tina Brown, herself a former crackhead, staged an intervention. By selling embarassing photos of Whitney's coke-strewn house to the National Enquirer! Lesson: your relatives are greedy bastards quick to stab you in the back to make a buck, so be sure to take care of them financially before they call the tabloids.

5. Fighting the police: Christian Slater—It's bad enough to be arrested by the police. Getting your ass kicked by them is even more embarrassing. Particularly when you act like a lunatic while doing so. Cue Christian Slater, 1997: the floppy-haired actor, bingeing on coke, beat his girlfriend at a party, bit a man, and then, "When the police arrived, Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, 'the Germans are coming and they will kill us!'" Don't do that.

Helluva drug.

We knew that it was only a matter of time before a news organization with Us Weekly's vast investigative resources would finally marshal the courage to finally expose Hollywood's Drug Problem, a social scourge that threatens to devour our finest, excess-prone famous people, greedily gnaw at what's left of the meat on their malnourished frames, then vomit back up their coke-bleached bones into the nearest luxury rehabilitation receptacle, preferably one with easy beach access. How bad has the crisis gotten? Says a highly placed Us "scenester" who's obviously been to at least one bar in WeHo in the last two years, "Coke is so not a big deal for young stars in Hollywood. It's like having a drink." Indeed, the public consumption of illegal narcotics is now so accepted that many of the city's finer nightlife establishments will deliver punchbowls brimming with blow (in a variety of flavors) directly to one's VIP booth, where parties can unashamedly blow rails at their leisure, eliminating the onetime annoyance of having one's drug use rushed by a bitch with a shy bladder constantly banging on one's bathroom stall door.

• Drugs & Hollywood [Us Weekly]

• Synth coke [YouTube via BoingBoing]

Good news! Our first attempt at inducing you to submit and/or vote on slogans that will at some future date be slapped on the front of a Defamer-themed t-shirt available for purchase in the Gawker Shop was such a success that we're going to ask you to return to the submitting/voting fray once again. After the jump, you can view all the slogans currently in play, or offer new ones (remember, you can only donate your creative powers once per half hour) for evaluation by a jury of your peers, who undoubtedly find their own exhaustion-themed contribution far more worthy than the cocaine-inspired creation you dreamed up while blowing a rail in the LAX (club or airport, we don't judge) bathroom last night. Get ready to prop yourself up with a satisfying "I'd Buy!" click, then fight back against their obviously ego-driven blindness with a highly prejudicial "No Way" vote-down by following the pretty "Continued" graphic below.

Show slogans that are: popular | new | top-rated or submit your own slogan

• Previously: Defamer's Next Top T-Shirt Slogan [Defamer]

Flavored cocaine is nothing new, we're told. Law enforcement sources tell us that since the 80s people have been buying coke in all sorts of flavors, including rum and cherry, and now it appears strawberry is back and all the rage.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that strawberry flavoring is added to the drug to give it its fruity flavor. Years ago just adding food coloring was a big thing— brown and red cocaine were the talk of the town. Theoretically, you could make or add any flavor you'd like to the drug.

Hollywood insiders tell TMZ that this drug has exploded in the club scene, and not only has cocaine made a huge comeback, the strawberry version is definitely rearing its ugly head again. Like leggings and skinny jeans, this dangerous pastime is back full force.

Sadly, we have no firsthand experience with strawberry-tinged booger sugar, as our dealer stubbornly refuses to offer anything but the traditional Cocaine Classic™ flavor. But we're intrigued by TMZ's bold piece on retro-blow, and invite our readers to pass along their encounters with it (either through e-mail or in our comments section) so that we can stay current on this explosive, fruity trend.

• Hollywood's New Fruit Addiction [TMZ.com]