Unsurprisingly, Britney Spears' name comes up; not only is she guilty of using her handlers to hijack an evening's set list with overplayed Madonna and Prince tunes, but the only reliable method for curtailing her attention-whoring activities is to humiliate her off the stage with the music of her currently much more successful devirginizer. Also revealed: Brad Pitt possesses the ability to dance, and Hillary Clinton thinks that she can connect with young voters through 16-year-old Jesus Jones songs.

• Yo on E! [E! Online]

• Beatty and Hyde [TMZ]

The Standard Hotel: You are likely to find at least three things at the Standard: a plastic but beautiful bartender, some leggy drunk girl toppling over her shoes, and a c-list celebrity doing coke in the bathroom. The odds just work out that way. Whether the rampant cocaine use in the nicely modernist bathrooms have anything to do with HotelChatter editor Davie's love affair with the place is unclear.

Star Shoes: Great music venue and band hang out, this former shoe boutique is all 50's formica and American irony. They have DJs and live soul, funk, and hip-hop, and it feels less like LA than most places in Hollywood. Maroon 5 used to hang out here back before they hit it big. And you can bet Adam Levine was coked up when he wrote "Hard to Breathe" and the porcelain toilet top is infamous as high-quality blow snortpad.

Voda: Our LA operative says, "A little less celebrity and a LOT more douchey, Voda is an insufferable vodka bar in Santa Monica that I've started writing about three times but each time I have had to give up because I couldn't think of anything nice to say." Aw, well here's a nice thing: they have a waterfall, 50 types of Vodka and long lines of coke in the women's bathroom.

The rest of Gridskipper's list is here. But should you find venues open to the general public too inclusive for your tastes, Star magazine reports on two other options popular with VIPs: drug parties in the Hills, and Lindsay Lohan's bathroom.

• Long Lines in LA [Gridskipper]
• Secret Drug Parties Of The Stars [City Rag]

· In easily the most newsworthy development of the night, TMZ found itself caught in the middle of a fight between general-use celebutard Paris Hilton and semi-famous Dancing with the Stars contestant Shanna Moakler, a shocking episode of Mutually Assured Bimbo Destruction that ended with both filing police reports, and during which at least one weave was tragically sacrificed to Travis Barker's irresistible charms. [TMZ]
· Can Bobby Brown get into Hyde on a Tuesday night? You see this one coming all the way down the Sunset Strip, but we must: Hell to the no. That didn't feel very good. [TMZ]
· In stunning role-reversal between doorman and prospective bar patron, some guy from Prison Break whom we've never heard of (i.e., it wasn't the Human Stain guy) spoke truth to power, telling a bouncer that his shaving habits should keep him on the wrong side of the velvet rope. [TMZ]
· Famous-type people Dave Navarro and Michelle Trachtenberg were allowed entry to the club, as was infamous Paris Hilton nightvision doggystyler Rick Salomon. [TMZ]

But the real action was happening inside the Sunset Boulevard club, where, sources say, Nicole Richie was getting into the party spirit with her spirit of choice: Tequila! "She was so wasted!" said an attendant, who also said that Ms. Richie's drinking partner, Mary-Kate Olsen, was not doing anything to help the situation. "She was dancing on the tables and then she started giving lap dances to her friends and random guys, too."

And then it happened, under the copper ceiling, amidst the hanging candles. "Nicole puked right on the floor, like right in the middle of the club," said the source. "Everyone saw! But I guess she didn't care. She kept partying."

"She loves tequila," said the source, a friend of Ms. Richie's. "But you know, she's so small—and she probably didn't eat anything that day. So you know, she probably had a couple shots and it just happened. She was just having a good time."

It might seem odd that Richie would act so nonchalant after vomiting in the middle of the club, but as a VIP patron, she knew that a Hyde staffer would quickly alert her if her body had thrown up a critical internal organ after finding no recently consumed food to reject. Hot clubs like Hyde know that if they don't provide that level of service to their cherished celebrity clientele, they'll just take their gilded puke to a more welcoming establishment up the street.

• Letter From L.A.: Nicole Richie Lapdances, Blows Chunks At Ronson Bash [The Transom]
• Previously: Healthy, Glowing Lindsay Lohan Drinks Bottled Spring Water At Hollywood's Most Wholesome Clubhouse [Defamer]

But I think not. Lindsay, the only member of the Star/Us Weekly crowd with a future in acting, looked positively jaunty wearing a little hat when I saw her at L.A.'s hot new club Hyde. This is a place — believe it or not — where young people in the business come to talk and eat chocolate-chip cookies. There's dancing, too, mostly to music from the 1970s and '80s. Last night the crowd was grooving to "Come on Eileen" and "Kids in America."

Hyde is kind of a relief, I think, for Hollywood's young hotties. It's like being in a rich person's really cool den. Nicole Richie, the Olsen twins and members of Maroon 5 made the scene last night, and that was supposed to be a quiet evening. I also ran into the slightly older and very good actor Troy Garity, son of Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden, with his beautiful girlfriend, Simone Bent. They just hosted a fundraiser for Homies Unidos, a new foundation dedicated to ending gang violence, while Troy sat sifting through scripts, looking for his next film. [....]

And Lindsay? She's in love with Harry Morton, son of Hard Rock Caf founder Peter Morton and grandson of Arnie, he of Morton's steak houses. Even though Lindsay was chastised last week by her "Georgia Rule" producer James Robinson, it doesn't seem like it could be for anything other than having her head in the clouds. When I saw her just after midnight, she was carrying a bottle of ... water.

A place where Underage Hollywood congregates to showily chug bottled water in front of sympathetic gossip columnists, and where Slightly Older Hollywood kicks back with a plate of freshly baked cookies (it must have been too dark to notice the milk mustaches) to mull the next move in both their careers and charitable endeavors sounds like paradise, doesn't it? We don't know how Friedman neglected to mention the cardboard box full of abandoned puppies by the club's entrance, from which each patron is encouraged to select a new canine friend on their way out to the valet line. We hear that Lohan adopted two that night, then left a check for $6 million made out to the ASPCA pinned to the collar of the poor, adorable pug she just couldn't fit in her purse.

• Lindsay Lohan Is Alive and Well [Fox 411]

Hyde — Monday night madness... Ok, so it's been a while since I ventured out of my garret bungalow beneath the bouganvilla draped stairs, nestled in West Hollywood, and boy did last night make up for lost time. I saw EVERYONE... well, maybe not everyone, but so many celebs! The nicest actress in the world : January Jones, totally sober, offering to give her buddies a ride home. Smokin' Monica Keena (back to blonde), and her usual male-harem, including Largo performing comic Kevin Seccia, and a tall strawberry blonde producer. The Mo-Ke gang was chillin' while Monica and Kirsten Dunst were having an old home week reunion. When I got back from the ladies' I had the pleasure(?) of seeing Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton (when you get sober, aren't you supposed to cool it with the heiress drinking buddies?) No one yelled 'firecrotch,' so I think it's safe to assume Lindsay wasn't even in the state... Last but not least, Lil' Miss Ragamuffin Mary Kate Olsen. So small, so draped in fabric.

The second report follows after the jump:

Nothing notable at the Roosevelt followed by what I thought would be a dud evening at Hyde. My friend told me to come to the bathroom with her and I almost resisted- when I walked in there she was.. Paris Hilton. I think she's much hotter in person- strikingly so.. wow. I was surprised Paris wasn't super thin- she's skinny but in a normal way. She was with a brunette of similar height/body- but I didn't recognize her. Amanda Demme was there and didn't seem as cold as my previous impressions of her. Kirsten Dunst walked past me and I didn't even notice- my friend had to point her out. On the way out one of the Olsen Twins was looking very emaciated & bag ladylike- grinding with one of the pillars as if it was a poll. I felt like I was watching Jon Benet (minus the makeup/hair) during the talent portion of a pageant- it just felt wrong!

Bonus roll call of famous-type people at Hyde on Friday night:

Brett Ratner, Nick, Jessica, Olsen Sister + Chris Rock + Kato Kaelin @ Hyde last night...it was the caricature night — fucking kato kaelin sighting made my night.

• Swinging Producers Ready To Shoot Fame-Seeking Fish In Tiny Nightclub Barrel [Defamer]
• Great Moments In Velvet Rope History: Hyde Turns Away Obnoxious Billionaire [Defamer]

THINGS got ugly at the Hollywood Roosevelt over the weekend when a top Paramount exec was allegedly man handled, threatened and thrown out of the hotel by a doorman. Dee Poku, vice president of the studio's international marketing division, told Page Six, "They were pretty disgusting." While she wouldn't elaborate, a close pal said the drama erupted when Poku "was politely asking for one more guest on the list to get in to join a birthday party she was attending inside."

That's when the doorman inexplicably "verbally threatened" her, "grabbed her and threw her out into the street. She is totally traumatized," the friend said. The jolted exec, who is said to be mulling legal action, told a friend via e-mail: "I was in tears - they were so mean." The hotel said in a statement: "The guest was disrupting the hotel's security procedures with regards to checking IDs and asked to leave. We do not enjoy asking our patrons to leave, but were left no other choice. This particular guest was disruptive for over an hour."

The Roosevelt has obviously taken a less celebrity-obsessed approach to building buzz these days; under the Demme regime, the above story would've involved a dispassionate Amanda ordering one of her doormen to stungun the testicles of a second-tier One Tree Hill cast member, then having someone immediately call Page Six to brag about it. If the New Roosevelt can offer nothing better than an obscure Paramount exec having an hourlong hissy hit, they're going to have a hard time keeping their name in the tabloids.

• STUDIO EXEC GETS HOTEL BOOT [Page Six]

Girl: Do you work at MTV? Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to. Girl: So what do you do now? JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors. Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people. JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

Full versions of the redundant party-reporting goodness follow after the jump:

So the ostensible "perks" of my job saw me gracing the Stone Rose opening party at the newly painted Sofitel Hotel last night. Luckily about 500 of my closest friends also attended. Who knows how well Rande Gerber's newest lounge/club/douchebag breeding pond will do inside the Sofitel, which has a "Q" score hovering near the negative numbers. But not for me to judge. I can, however, judge the C/D/F-list crowd that basically crossed all clearly delineated LA social lines last night. —Rande and Cindy (who is very tall and very hot) were cuddling in the center of the bar all night, being harassed now and then but generally left alone. Despite rumors that the two have an "arrangement"—I mean the dude is a fucking nightclub owner!!!!—they seemed legit. —Escaped to the terrace and ran smack into the ominpresent D-lister Lance Bass engaged in deep conversation with previously-extorted-but-now-exonerated-by-the-sweet-scales-of-lady-justice Joe Francis who spent a lot of the subsequent time at the party running around the outdoor space frantically searching the crowd. Always fun to watch the trashy hoors do the double-take when they recognize him. —Omarosa (the Patrick Ewing double) from the Apprentice also on the patio holding court with whomever was interested...Sadly, more than a few were interested.

—Allison Janney looking like a soccer mom. She was way out of place among the Persian Mafia, Hollywood Club Rats, waves of painfully dressed Flackettes from every agency in town, coked out models, coked out run-of-the-mill tramps, coked-out sluts, and tons of Johnny Hollywoods.

Sample of (actual) overheard conversation:

Girl: Do you work at MTV?
Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to.
Girl: So what do you do now?
JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors.
Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people.
JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

On the plus side. Tons of free shellfish, sushi and great desserts (cupcakes, crackerjacks, rice krispy treats). Also open bar.

But, the biggest douchebag at the whole thing, of course, was ME! Simply because I went and then had to wait 25 minutes for my car at the valet.

The end.

And our second report, which we promise was authored by a high-level Defamer operative despite the misleading use of CELEBRITY CAPS:

Snuck into the SOFITEL hotel and STONE ROSE bar opening party last night and into a magical world of free Scotch, breaded meatballs, and B-, C-, and D-list celebrities. Arrived to see LANCE BASS (extra bug-eyed, it's getting worse as he ages) waiting in the lobby for people to notice him. It worked, chicks all over him. Out back, Harold (JOHN CHO is it?) with more hot girls and Jessica Simpson's assistant (CEE-CEE?) standing near the dessert bar (3 flavors of rice krispie treats!)

Also, KATO KAELIN standing next to OMAROSA, but I don't think they talked. At the VIP bar the skeletal remains of ALLISON JANNEY actually looked do-able (remember when she was the homophobic neighbor's dumpy wife in American Beauty? That was like 7 years ago and she looks way better NOW) lounging near SAMMY HAGAR—sorry, just some porn star who looked like SAMMY HAGAR taking freak-train photos with four girls with huge plastic boobs. Inside sitting behind a security dude was RACHEL BILSON ADAM BRODY she looked bored and his nonjewfro is getting big again. Quote of the night from a 300lb guy in a Hawaiian shirt: "Nice red jacket and plaid pants, douchebag...and ICM sucks!" Rest of the night's a bit blurry but I could've sworn i saw VIN DIESEL in a beret as we were leaving (no ducks). and CINDY CRAWFORD taking off in a Bentley with that bartender she dates. She looked perhaps the hottest of all, which is amazing since i checked IMDb and she's 57 yrs old.

• Defamer Party Report: Superflush [Defamer]

"Not tonight, Brandon," was the verdict on Saturday from doorman at the nightclub Hyde. "What are you talking about?" said Mr. Davis, according to an onlooker. Mr. Davis had, among others, his brother and Sonia Kinski, daughter of Nastassja, in tow. The doorman said it again. "Not tonight, Brandon. Tonight's not your night." "He was shocked," said the onlooker, who was in line behind Mr. Davis. "This might have been the first time someone has ever told him no." But also: "What the fuck do they care what he says about Lindsay's vagina? The guy's a billionaire."

We're not sure if sins have since been forgiven and Davis allowed back in the club, but for one, shining night on a sidewalk in Hollywood, the message was clear: Slander a good customer's genitalia, and you will receive a time out no matter how much money your relatives have left you. Unless you're a really important person in the industry, in which case: Come on in and we'll make sure we keep that firecrotch on the other side of the room.

• The Transom: L.A. Nights: Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis [NY Observer]

Brian Grazer doesn't seem to be in any hurry to patch things up with his estranged wife, Gigi. The "Da Vinci Code" producer has been cruising the L.A. night with swinging single Steve Bing. They entertained a bevy of young things at Hyde the other night ...

We trust that anyone inclined to use this information to increase their chances of a private, bathroom stall audition doesn't need to be told to suppress the urge to expel a mouthful of Grey Goose upon hearing the pick-up lines, "I can make Opie make you a star," or "Liz Hurley still brags about the way I knocked her up."

• Surveillance (third item) [Rush & Molloy]

• Star Catcher LA: Lohan Hits Shag [TMZ.com]

An insider says Demme is "sending spies to Teddy's to see if any of her former customers are still going there, so she can blackball them." But from where? Demme doesn't have any establishments at the moment, though she's hosting parties at Pure in Las Vegas. Director Ted Demme's widow had a problem with allowing famous underage drinkers to imbibe freely at the bars she ran. Our source snarked, "She can't really work in L.A. anymore - who will give her a liquor license?"

The blackballing idea strikes us as patently ridiculous, as Demme certainly wouldn't expect her patrons to go on the wagon while she looks for a local gig. Once she sets up her velvet rope and gets back to the important work of making sure that every underage starlet in this town has a clean, not-so-well-lighted place where they can get shitfaced in the company of an acceptably exclusive crowd, all regrettable flings with other enablers will be forgiven.

• NONE OF CLUBS [Page Six]

Susan Blackman, a publicist and self-proclaimed "tastemaker" was not impressed by the males on view on a recent Saturday while enjoying cocktails in the cordoned-off VIP area at the Hollywood Ren-Mar Studios.

"There are no hot guys here," the 28-year-old said.

She and a girlfriend then recognized actor Michael Bellisario from the TV show "JAG," in a mesh trucker baseball cap, and rushed to talk to him.

Bellisario, 26, started coming to Xenii parties last June. He said he did not need to pay for membership because [co-owner Rob] Perry "wants Hollywood here. I spread the word."

The Times says that the media attention from the Abdul-related violence has some "in the club scene" wondering if the ten-month old party might be dangerously close to buzz-depleting overexposure, but we think the concept has legs: Unattractive, unconnected men in Hollywood with too much money have long been searching for a prostiution-free way to try and fuck actresses and models without having to go through the time and expense of becoming movie producers.

• Gatsbies and the Wannabes [LAT]

The woman, one of Piven's best friends, apparently was too "tired" to walk to Piven's car after leaving Shag, according to Piven's publicist. Piven, who didn't valet his car, agreed to carry her.

Piven was able to get the young woman safely in his car and drove away.

It seems that Piven's Journey of a Lifetime to India changed him more profoundly than we'd imagined. Not only has he simplified his life by refusing to valet (an open declaration of war on the wasteful Hollywood lifestyle), the Piv cut short his evening to help a friend in need instead of having his assistant stash her in the car, crack a window, and return to the club to help him scout the remaining, still-upright talent.

UPDATE: Several readers, including one who claims to have been at Shag last night, have identified Piven's damsel-in-distress as Las Vegas star Vanessa Marcil, leaving us to wonder if only celebrities are eligible to receive his fireman-carry, club-to-curbside escort services.

[Photo: x17 video on TMZ]

• Piven to the Rescue! [TMZ.com]

The HOTTEST club in Vegas. LADIES FREE on my GUESTLIST!!! RSVP with your FULL name BEFORE 2pm on Friday If you have more than 2 guests, leave another ladies name, and I will add them as well.

Only Ladies names will be put on the list, Dress code will be STRICTLY enforced and as always all entry is at the Doorman's discretion. So come lookin good!

We know that it's common industry practice to try to keep the male-to-female clubgoer ratios skewed vaginaward, but with event promoters so dedicated to luring women into Hayden Christensen's birthday party, it will be almost statistically impossible for his publicist not to snap a picture of her client making out with an off-duty stripper, then leak it to the rags as evidence of his heterosexuality.

• Hayden Christensen's 25th Birthday - Friday @ TAO [MySpace]

"I'm definitely an artist-businesswoman, in the sense that I love to find things I'm passionate about, and make them known to the rest of the world," she said. "I'm a brander, a marketer. I'm an idol maker."

There is a touch of hyperbole to everything about Ms. Demme, and an intensity that is inescapable (though not necessarily the embodiment of Zen). She talks of her pride in making Teddy's "the No. 1 destination spot in the United States," and calls the club "my 'Pulp Fiction.' " ("It was a masterpiece.") Her biography, provided by a publicist, pronounces her "one of the very rare few that can be called an artist, entrepreneur, trendsetter, tastemaker, star maker and connoisseur without any trace of irony or hype." (Perhaps that should read "intended irony.") It observes that she is "an eerily well-rounded person" and "the hub of a wheel of activity that few could possibly appreciate." [...]

After her initial torrent of bravado, Ms. Demme seemed ready to accept some of the criticisms [about how she ran her nightclubs and reasons for bad press]. "My weakness in life, and it's always been my weakness, is I may say something that can be misinterpreted in the moment," she said. "I don't blame the other person, I blame myself. I've gotten better, and I will be even better." [...]

"I'm always going to be Amanda Demme. I'm never going to modify my behavior to work in a man's world," she said. "But I'll learn my lessons, and be a better human being, a better mother and a better friend." She paused. "Maybe," she said, and paused again, "maybe I have to not be so precious on certain things. And pick and choose my battles."

Such feats of humility are much more easily performed in the sanctuary of one's home than while playing gatekeeper at the club; we probably won't see how much preciousness Demme has abandoned until she sets up shop at her next venue. Consider it a bad sign for continuing self-effacement if she anoints her head bouncer "St. Peter" and soberly informs him to separate the "saved" from the "miserable, WB-level wretches" damned to partying at the Brent Bolthouse-sponsored night down the street.

• Rough Dawn for a Nighttime Queen [NY Times]

Jennifer Gross, Demme's rep, confirmed that the Roosevelt chose to exercise their right to buy out Demme and run the venues on their own. As to the reasons for Demme's departure, she called Page Six's report "innuendo and hearsay."

And Page Six:

AMANDA Demme may be down, but she's not yet out. Although the Hollywood Roosevelt is booting her and her clubs, Teddy's and the Tropicana, her rep says she's being "bought out" and thus will receive a hefty check for her efforts. Meanwhile, we hear Demme and her business partner, Michael Gruber, have been in talks with Pure in Las Vegas and the W Hotel chain to roll out a chain of Teddy's nationally. Demme's reps didn't return e-mails.

Again, we stress that we're not at all worried that she'll be gone from the scene for long (if at all) while her other deals go through. In the meantime, keep an eye out for her provisional space just outside of Privilege, Amanda Scheer Demme's Bottle Of Peppermint Schapps On A Dirty Cardboard Box Next to Wilmer Valderrama's Escalade.

• ALL DEMME CLUBS [NY Post]
• Hollywood Hot Spot Shut Down [TMZ.com]
• Previously: Amanda Scheer Demme To Be Cast Out Of Her Celebrity-Worshipping Eden? [Defamer]

Our insider said, "The hotel is under a lot of pressure from the city to get Amanda out." Among the complaints:

* Underage drinking: "Every week there is another 18- or 19-year-old like Lindsay Lohan, Kirsten Dunst [Ed. note—Dunst is old enough to get hammered legally, even if Demme is running the bar.] or the Olsen twins in the clubs drinking and getting drunk."

* Noise violations: "Amanda was arrested last year for noise violations."

* The Courtney Love incident: Love left the Tropicana on a stretcher and then an ambulance in what was deemed to be an overdose, although her reps insisted she was just "exhausted."

* Demme's "mistreatment" of hotel guests: Page Six documented Demme turning away hotel guests from the pool area last summer and even forbidding a wedding party to enter, although the bride had been assured she would be able to use the pool.

* Discrimination: Last year, Super Bowl MVP Terrell Davis filed a racial discrimination suit against Demme after she had him booted from Teddy's. He claims she uttered racial epithets. Then, last month, an associate of Demme told Los Angeles magazine that rival club owner Brent Bolthouse would get nowhere now that he was partnered up with "the Jew" [Sam Nazarian].

Even if "the city" is truly less than pleased about the above sins (really, barely an average night at the Trop) and Demme is expelled from her cozy wombs at the Roosevelt, we have a feeling it won't be long before she sets up shop nearby. This is Hollywood, after all, where people will line up by the dozen if someone merely encircles an open manhole with a velvet rope and promises that Linday Lohan had fallen in and died just moments before.

• TOP L.A. CLUBS FACE THE BOOT [NY Post]

David Judaken, who owns Mood, told TMZ Thursday: "Thanks to your investigative reports, we are under investigation by several agencies." Judaken added that since our reports authorities have complimented him on the club's vigilance. He said the woman who was busted Thursday had an exceptionally good fake ID. He said his club has a "zero tolerance policy," adding, "My security doesn't even recognize celebrities or care." It is unclear in the video if Cavallari was carded before entering.

Dubious statements about the club's doormen's inability to spot a infiltrating Lohan or Olsen notwithstanding, we can hardly blame the Mood staff for letting the 17-year-old slip by. Judging from the video of the arrest her "exceptionally good fake ID" was obviously supplemented by the kind of back-up breast work that defies a parental plastic surgery consent form, indicating that she was at least 18 or 19 and could go relatively unnoticed by authorities once inside.

• Bust at Hot Hollywood Club [TMZ.com]
• Previously: Breaking! Underage Stars Party At Hollywood Clubs! [Defamer]