• Young women having personal drama in dangerous places seems to the theme of the CW's upcoming development slate, revealed yesterday. In the works: a drama about women at the CIA's spy school, a soap opera by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas set in space and a show featuring original music by country star Brad Paisley about a young woman headed for Nashville stardom. [Variety]

• Hollywood perennial war — the battle between distributors and theater owners has heated up again, sparked by Paramount's attempt to sell the DVD of GI Joe and The Goods a mere 88 days after their theatrical debuts, within the 90 day window traditionally given to the multiplexes. "We don't know what Paramount is up to, but it's highly objectionable," was National Association of Theatre Owners president John Fithian's response to the plan. [THR]

• Anheuser-Busch has signed a deal to be the sole and exclusive sponsor of this week's Saturday Night Live, buying out the entire ad space. The brewery will also be hosting sponsored watch parties of the branded episode around America. [LAT]

• The Wrap reports on Warner Brothers contradictory marketing plans for their upcoming Where the Wild Things Are release, selling it simultaneously as an adult film, with a campaign of branded merch sold at Urban Outfitters and as a kids movie. Having just seen it, given the choice between where its a grown-up and kids film, we'd like to vote neither. [The Wrap]

• Former Friends star David Schwimmer will direct Clive Owen and Catherine Keener in, Trust, the very un-Friends-like tale of a couple whose lives are turned upside down when their daughter is stalked by an online predator. [THR]

Monsters vs. Aliens — $58.2 million
Basically Pixar or DreamWorks or whoever could basically computer-animate a dog blinking for ninety minutes and kids and their "will there be inside adult jokes for us??" parents will line up, slobbering. (Though, they couldn't just computer-animate an outerspace magic Freddie Prinze lizard blinking for ninety minutes and expect lots of money. That, apparently, doesn't work.) This huge debut beat Watchmen to become the biggest of the year. Another sad indignity waged upon the superhero movie by, no doubt, its giant squid enemy.

The Haunting in Connecticut — $23 million
Another big bow. The ghosties and ghouls feature, starring Virginia Madsen (the scariest/saddest thing of all), racked up a nice $8,422 per-screen average and would have handily won the weekend had there not been some damn animated thing raging through the cineplexes too. Cheapo horror still reliably turns a buck these days. Lionsgate or Dimension or Dark Castle or whoever ought to film a cat blinking for ninety minutes while some gurgling black J-Horror ghost lurches toward them. It'd be boffo!

I Love You, Man — $12.6 million
Hardly dropping at all (29%) in its second weekend, the Paul Rudd comedy ought to ride strong word-of-mouth to sleeper success. Which is good for all of us because Rudd and costar Jason Segel are very funny men and references to dogs named Anwar Sadat really should be encouraged. That Judd Apatow technically had nothing to do with this picture is heartening—it proves funneez can be made without the bearded svengali's involvement.

Duplicity — $7.6 million
Two weeks out, and only $25 million grossed. What exactly went wrong with this caper flick? Had Julia Roberts been out of the game too long? How much does America really want Clive Owen? Was that alienatingly smug trailer—"Admit it... you don't trust me either." Ugh—just too much? Whatever the reason, the movie's a stumble for all involved, including writer/director Tony Gilroy, who had a chance to prove some commercial appeal after his critically-acclaimed but too-somber-for-popcorn Michael Clayton. Ah well. Better luck next time, zillionaires.

Watchmen — $2.8 million
Four weeks out, and just over $100 million hauled in. The flick is playing decently overseas, but the whole muddle is still an unqualified disappointment. How much does America really want Malin Ackerman? Is it because of that moment in the trailer when the giant blue penis asks the owl sexmobile if it doesn't, in fact, trust it either? The world may never know. All it tells me, really, is that this might be a bad time for my dark, painstakingly-faithful adaption of Archie: Pals 'n' Gals #118, in which the gang is super into ventriloquism and Reggie and Archie compete to see who can throw their voice the best. Ackerman is already on board to play Betty, and Owen was set to be Reggie. Offer's still out to Obama for Chuck. So, we'll see.

· We defy you to read the story of lost little Oscar No. 3453—the WALL·E of accidentally misrouted kudoware—and not get a little choked up.
· Little Gold Men imagines a Oscars red carpet with no stars. It's so very sad.
· But not as sad as The Saddest Male Models In The World, Part II!
· Jessica Simpson is exploring her fashion options lately. Muumuus, skorts, Snuggies™—anything's fair game.
· Wow. Lindsay at Videogum is the best 30 Rock Easter Egg hunter we know. Check out those Golden Arches. Amazing.
· Michael Jackson may have contracted a severe staph infection. Cobra retreat. RETREAT!
· We honestly had no idea John Wayne Gacy had a Flickr stream. He's been keeping so busy! (Bonus nightmare fuel: video.)
· Meet the newest The Bachelor, ladies. He's a single dad, and he's totally adorable.

Owen went on to tell O'Brien that despite being an international film star: "I am so low-status in my house, you wouldn't believe it." Clip above.

The first we heard after the screening got out, one critic didn't do much to counteract a colleague's avowed conventional wisdom that "Opening Night film equals shite" — largely on the basis of a script that "sounds uncomfortably like samples pulled at random from a bag of fortune-cookies." But we found our heavy weaponry in Todd McCarthy's arsenal at Variety:

The International scampers all over the place, but it's alternately frantic and a little slack, with a hole in the middle where some interesting characters ought to be. [...]

Owen's Salinger is clearly designed to be the counterhero, a scruffy, stubbly, ornery maverick who's let the rest of his life slide, in his often bumpy pursuit of justice. The basic notion behind the character is fine, but insufficient psychological detail is provided to back up the exterior sketch. [...] Salinger's spirited tag-along crimefighter Whitman is one of the few roles to which [Naomi] Watts hasn't been able to bring anything special, because there's nothing remotely suggested about her inner-life or past.

The good news, per THR: "[Director Tom] Tykwer's cinematic virtuosity has often exceeded his narrative grasp. But if he has little instinct for relationship or conversation, he has a keen eye for visual metaphor." Like all those guys blowing the shit out of the Guggenheim Museum, reducing soundstage art replicas to bullet-riddled shambles? Now there's a metaphor. Get your tickets now!

• 'The International' [Variety]

• Film Review: 'The International' [THR]

Cinematic tough guy Clive Owen received some bad news via his Blackberry outside the London branch of celeb sushi spot Nobu on Tuesday night. Apparently, the die-hard Liverpool F.C. fan got the news that the club had lost a mid-fielder for the upcoming season. Owen said, "There must be a bunch of Manchester wankers in the Visa office. Maybe I should go over there and give those droogs a swift kick to the yarbles."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com


A bold member of the craft service crew for the film Duplicity broke the news to Clive Owen that they had ran out of his favorite type of coffee yesterday morning. The craft services attempted to place the blame on the lack of coffee on John Adams star Paul Giamatti, stating that Giamatti made them fill a few thermoses up with the good stuff. Owen stood next to the craft services table, quietly judging everyone until the staff broke down in tears. Owen just nodded and said, "Just don't let happen it again."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

· NBC puts off indefinitely the production of Heroes spin-off Heroes: Origins, with possible reasons for the sudden shelving including the possible writers' strike, the mess the original series has become in its second season, and a strategic redeployment of hit-recycling development brainpower to that rumored The Office offshoot. Also: The Singing Bee is coming off the air for November sweeps. [Variety]
· Oh, happy day! More reteaming! Onetime Closer pals Julia Roberts and Clive Owen join Universal's Duplicity as "longtime lovers and rival corporate spies" who get together to pull "an elaborate con." [THR]
· Holy fucking reteaming shit! This is possibly the best day ever for Hollywood reunions: Heath Ledger will once again hook up with Brothers Grimm director Terry Gilliam for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. [Variety]

"[T]he babies were great. I wish we could have put the babies in even more dangerous situations because they centered the action sequences."

However ridiculous the film is, you can't pull off a crazy film unless you believe in it, even in its ridiculousness. So the babies were very centric. It just made us realize that's what the film's about. It's about looking after this little baby.

In related news, Owen announced he's the celebrity spokesperson for a new, life-affirming line of backyard toddler gauntlets that challenge your squalling child to survive bursts of flame, spikes bursting from the floor, and an aggressive barrage of Uzi fire. Now, we can all watch proudly as our progeny repeatedly dodges certain death, comforted by the knowledge that we finally understand What It All Means.

• Clive Owen Q&A [latimes.com]

In today's episode: Clive Owen and John Cho; Joaquin Phoenix; Kiefer Sutherland; Queen Latifah; Ryan Reynold and Richard Kind; Frankie Muniz; Jennifer Love Hewitt; Masi Oka; Mike Tyson; Laura Dern; Blake Lewis, Chris Sligh, Jared Cotter, Paul Kim and Lakisha Jones; Dennis Rodman and Stephen Baldwin.

· Got a double-sighting on Tuesday (2/27) at Mozza Pizza. The first one was a Kumar-less John Cho settling for a seat-at-the-bar with a rather attractive, similarly Asian, similarly fashionably dressed young woman. IMDb says he's currently filming Harold + Kumar 2, so his short hair on the sides, long up top seems to reflect that. The big, cool sighting - however - was Clive Owen, coming in to meet a rather scruffy-looking-yet-somewhat-well-dressed bearded fellow. Owen was casually dressed and wore a futuristic, silver-faced watch that looked like more expensive than my car. 12 months ago, I would've been "meh," but after the one-two punch of "Inside Man" and the criminally underseen "Children of Men," I'm back on the Clive Owen fan-bus.

· I saw joaquin phoenix not too long ago at a L.A bar flirting with some girl who said her name was Hunter apparently. Being I am obsessed with that man I watched his every move. He asked her for a cig from her and was flirting with her ..and she seemed pretty clueless to the fact he was flirting with her either that or she wasn't into him. She looked young with brown hair and she as so pale it shocked me! He looked cute sporting very casual dark sweatshirt and baseball hat. Not the typical outfit you'd assume a man with money would be wearing. He shook her hand gave her a kiss on the cheek and then she left. I am guessing he didn't score with her like he hoped, celebrites clearly can't win every time.

· Kiefer Sutherland at 4100 on Saturday night (2/24). He was with a female companion, though in all honesty I didn't pay any attention to her, so I don't know if she was a friend or date. Anyway, I was on my way out with my own date and he was standing outside talking to the doorman. Fascinating stuff, I know.

· Today (2/27) spotted The Queen (no, not the doable one), Queen Latifah (the cosmetics endorsing one), lunching solo at Real Food Daily on La Cienega. No sooner than she was seated, she quickly became engrossed in coloring the children's menu. Sweet, really.

· During my power business lunch today (2-28) with the Hollywood elite at Marinos in Larchmont, I saw Ryan Reynolds pass by all disheveled with a hot chick. Then after leaving lunch without a deal, I see everybody's favorite sitcom guest star Richard Kind. He probably got a deal.

· Monday 2/26—-I know that everyone knows that Frankie Muniz is Mr. LA Clippers, but he hasn't been at very many games this year...and now that he shows back up, he's rocking a MOHAWK? Is that what former child stars current race car drivers do for cool? Also sort of with him was Seth Green and a cute girl, but when Frankie went to his seat, that was over. No, Seth didn't have a seat and he and the cute girl watched the game standing in the hallway at Staples. Looked like they were having fun though, and that's what matters.

· This morning, March 1st, 8:15am stopped by Robecks on Riverside in Toluca Lake for my morning smoothie. When I came back out to my car, I spied everyone's favorite ghost whisperer Ms. Jennifer Love Hewitt standing beside her green mini cooper engaged in an argument on her cell phone. Even though she was visibly upset and sans make-up, she was still incredibly cute.

· Our studio manager saw Masi Oka at Ivy at the Shore in Santa Monica today (Friday Feb 23)

· Rather surreal sighting. Was on a stationary bike at the Sunset Crunch Fitness Thursday (3/1) faking my way through a sweat when a large, shaved-headed man started setting up the bike in front of me. When he turned, the unmistakable tribal tattoo across half his face made me realize Mike Tyson must now be a Crunch member. After he sat down into the bike and started happily spinning the wheels, ears plugged into a blue Discman, this point was reiterated as a trainer bounded over, told him "if he'd known" the former Iron Mike/current Heidi Fleiss man-whore was coming in, he would've pushed his other "sessions." The trainer went on to say not only that he himself wanted to box, but also that he had a bunch of pictures he'd been meaning to give Tyson. I waited for the guy to go ahead and blow him, but it never happened. The wackiest bit? Moments before Tyson arrived, ESPN - on one of the overhead televisions - had previewed an upcoming spot on Evander Holyfield's latest "comeback." As Tyson's eyes were glued to that set, I'm sure - moments later - he was to come face-to-face with a "career highlights" montage featuring himself famously biting into Holyfield's ear. Sadly, my girlfriend had finished her class upstairs and I had to leave before witnessing that.

· Just ran into Laura Dern with Ben Harper and cutest baby ever (take that Shiloh), coming out of the Broadway Deli at the 3rd St. Promenade. They were super cute and baby-talking to the baby (not each other, thank god) and all dressed warmly for this god-awful cold weather.

· Thursday (3/1) night around 9 pm, five American Idol contestants - Blake Lewis, Chris Sligh, Jared Cotter, Paul Kim, and Lakisha Jones - were walking in a big huddle up La Cienega to Third, probably on a desperate search for H&M. I couldn't tell if they didn't yet realize that walking around in a large group makes them easier to spot, or they wanted the attention, but there was not a single camera around in a fourteen-block radius. I guess I'm the only one who cared....

· I thought someone would have sent this in, but I guess there aren't many Defamer fans at the car wash on Santa Monica across from the Pacific Design Center...spotted Dennis Rodman on Saturday (2/24). He's freakishly tall and really freaky looking (no suprise). And he had a super annoying posse who laughed as he hammed it up walking through the parking lot area.

· Here's a STEPHEN BALDWIN sighting:

23 Feb 07 Jet Blue Flight 350 departing Burbank to JFK at 6:30 a.m.

Loading from the back of the plane, I was unloading my book, blanket and CD player when I looked up and saw STEPHEN BALDWIN grinning under his baseball cap as I blocked his way.

My first reaction: Oh shit, this is the fundie Christian Baldwin, damn, am I on the Left Behind flight, where the righteous folk start disappearing because the Rapture is upon us? Hope the pilots are sinners since I don't really care about anybody else once in the air, so when the POOF-POOF of disappearing Christians start, I can still make it to NYC to see Mom.

That's it, I nodded my head in recognition and he returned the greeting and I spent the rest of the flight listening to gospel just in case.

COULD mega-producer Jerry Bruckheimer be behind the rash of huge white horse-teeth Hollywood's male stars are sporting these days? When Bruckheimer wants to work with a movie hunk, he insists they "look like a star," one insider giggled, "so they all have to go out and get what we call 'Chompers' - caps on their teeth. They all get their teeth whittled down and these big white gleaming caps on." Which would explain the blindingly white smiles of Ben Affleck ("Pearl Harbor"), Nicolas Cage ("National Treasure") and Clive Owen ("King Arthur"). A rep for Bruckheimer declined comment.

Bruckheimer's dental formula for success isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. Due to the diminished proportions of the small screen, actors on The Bruck's wildly successful television dramas (CSIs, Cold Case, etc) have their teeth yanked out and replaced by Chiclet-sized implants, lest their perfect smiles overwhelm the home viewer.

UPDATE: After the jump, a transcription from the Armageddon DVD commentary, in which director Michael Bay explains Affleck's $20,000 smile, courtesy of the Criterion Contraption blog:

I had him work out. We paid for a set of twenty thousand dollars of pearly white teeth—Ben's gonna hate that story—uh, I always like low shots that kinda come right under your chin, just make you a little bit heroic, and he kinda had these baby teeth. So, uh, I told Jerry Bruckheimer, I said, "God, he's got these baby teeth, Jerry, I don't know what to do." Jerry used a very famous star in a... plane movie that he replaced teeth with so, uh, he says, "We did it to him, why not do it to Ben?" So my dentist had Ben sitting in a dentist's chair for a week, eight hours a day.

• DENTAL DICTATOR [NY Post]
• Previously: Jerry Bruckheimer’s Spectacular iTunes Playlist [Defamer]
• Behind The Bruckheimer Brand