Any suggestions for our videographer for the forthcoming, sure-to-be an annus horribilis for anyone with the last name "Spears?" A montage of paparazzi shots of Jamie Lynn carting her baby around in a Trader Joe's paper bag as she browses Kitson set to the tune of Kim Wilde's "Kids in America"? Britney Spears's 35 to-and-fro courthouse jaunts with Beck's "Loser" blasting on the soundtrack? Shots of matriarch Lynn's attempts to keep smiling as she loses the National Book Award for her forthcoming tome to a sub-par effort by Jonathan Franzen with her NPR interview predicting a win playing over the whole thing? Do you think Mad TV funnyman Aries Spears is going to get arrested for arson or something?

• Britney Spears

But what has been so sorely missing from all incarnations of the fake hearth (our favorite was Yule Log II—great blues and a surprise snapping sound at the three-and-a-half hour mark that nearly made us fall out of our burka loungers the first time we heard it!) were bonus features, an omission rectified with the deluxe release of Yule Log III. Of course, you'll have to purchase it to benefit from all the extras, including the wooden star of the project's own recollections from the shoot, which basically amount to one protracted, agonizing scream.

• Yule Log (Directors Commentary) [YouTube]

While their toe-tapping take on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was an indisputable hit with onlookers, nothing compared to the moment a solemn Kevin Arnold donned a white robe and angel wings, mounted a barricade made of discarded picket-signs, and belted to the tune of "O Holy Night," "No more we write/Nick Counter is a Wiener!" in his stirring, pitch-perfect mezzo-soprano.

• Studios Can't Kick Us Around! [YouTube]

"Larry puts his own innovative touch on the typical Christmas special with outrageous stand-up comedy and over the top parodies and sketches that will bring joy to everyone in the family. Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular takes a new, no-holds-barred approach to the average Christmas special by combining some new, wacky elements with various classic traditions of Christmas Shows past. Special Christmas moments include a performance by Kid Rock, visits from the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future as well as the first ever roast of Santa Claus. Appearances by Flavor Flav, Jamie Kennedy, Penn Jillette, George Wallace, Tony Orlando, Lisa Lampanelli, Jim Breuer, Jeffrey Ross, George Wendt, Angela little Mackenzie and Jay Johnston."

• Here's What I've Been Up To [Larry The Cable Guy]

Dear Grove Neighbor:

The holidays are our favorite time of year at The Grove, a time for sharing, counting our blessings and enjoying special time with family and friends. Our plans for the holidays begin months in advance to create a beautiful yet fanciful environment to delight our guests of all ages.

As our Grove neighbor, we would like to take a moment to personally inform you and your family that our Grove Holiday Tree Lighting Ceremony will be taking place on Sunday, November 18, 2007. We invite you to join us in the celebration, which is complimentary and open to the public. The festivities are planned to take place between 7:00pm and 9:30pm, and will include fireworks, music and dance performances by a variety of entertainers. It is our utmost desire to provide a safe, festive, and entertaining environment for all guests who will be attending the ceremony. It is of equal importance to us that our neighbors are informed of the event details so planning for the night may take place.

Festive invites notwithstanding, the neighbors are surely grateful for the "Avoid this neighborhood at all costs November 18; don't say we didn't warn you" closing line. The gallery below offers a glimpse at the amount of (boxed) ornaments required to decorate The Grove's massive Christmas tree; here's hoping the whole thing doesn't go up in an Al Qaedal blaze of glory this holiday season [LAT].

Special Bonus Photo: Hollywood and Highland's reaction to the "set it up now and be prepared" school of thought.

But for many, the days of lavish gift-giving are a distant memory.

Industryites wistfully recall the bygone tell-tale crinkle of a cellophane gift basket bearing enough cupcakes to sate first and second assistants. "Last year, we congregated in the hallway wondering, 'Where is everything?' " said one ex-DreamWorks employee. "The baskets used to be crazy, gigantic."

Even more poignantly lamented is the yearly post-gorging ritual associated with the cupcake baskets, where executives gathered in a circle around their full-bellied assistants, demanding that the greedy underlings immediately vomit up the delicious gifts obviously intended for their superiors, a heartwarming holiday lesson about the importance of respecting one's place in the Hollywood pecking order.

And as long as we have you here, we once again make our yearly call for submissions about the gifts you're about to receive, whether they take the form of reviews of tragically crappy, borderline insulting tokens of appreciation (ingratitude always makes great copy), reports about the much better presents the department down the hall was blessed with (and so does seasonal jealousy), or whatever else you dream up. We know you won't let us down.

• Gifting on the decline [Variety]
• Previous Gift Reviews [Defamer]

Oh-ho the mistletoe hung in Wilmer's jeans

Really, what better way to kick off the holiday season?

Have Yourself a Merry Lohan Christmas! [Best Week Ever]

An officer on a bicycle saw the stopped car holding up traffic early Saturday and rapped the hood with his hand, according to a police report. [Spurs guard and Longoria's boyfriend Tony] Parker, behind the wheel, questioned why the officer touched the car, and the couple "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," police said. Longoria called the police report "highly inaccurate."

Police say the Parker began to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby. After being told to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said. The star guard for the defending NBA champions was was born in Belgium and raised in France.

The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: "This is all the cops do, just mess with people," and that Longoria shouted from the car: "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."

While the story came out just a tad too late for us to whip up another e-card ("He's just a Mexican bike cop. Feliz Navidad!"), we hope you can just appreciate the beauty of its message on its own: After all, nothing says Christmas like deluded celebrity entitlement drenched in self-loathing racist overtones and chased with a lazy publicist-delivered denial.

UPDATE: The folks at the always dependable Smoking Gun get their hands on the police report.

• Desperate Road Rage? [The Smoking Gun]
• Spurs' Parker cited for impeding traffic in car with Longoria [AP]
• Previously: Short Ends: It s Thanksgiving! Be Nice. [Defamer]
• Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Desperate Housewife! [Defamer]

New York Post: Is this show a concert or a theatrical production?

Aiken: It's something in between. I don't have a speaking role. I'm a singing angel who tries to get another character back into the Christmas spirit. It's theatrical, but we all just sing. [...]

Post: So you're an angel?

Aiken: Yes, God help me.

Post: Is it hard to be an angel?

Aiken: It's hard for people to think you're an angel, that's for sure. [...]

More white winged goodness after the jump.

Post: What appeals to you about a show like this?

Aiken: I like the family atmosphere of the band and the consistency of knowing where I'm going to be every day. I'm happy with this kind of life. To me excitement usually means something's going wrong. I'm appreciating no excitement.

Post: Is romance included in the no excitement?

Aiken: I'm not looking and I'm kind of happy with that no stress, no drama, no pressure.

Post: Come on, you don't want to meet up with someone under the mistletoe this year?

Aiken: For a minute, I thought I'd like to find that special person, but I'm not worried about it right now. I'm sure one of these days I'll start pining, but right now I like the position I'm in.

We're not worried either, Clay. We have no doubt that you will eventually find your, uh, M. Right. In the meantime, we like your current position too swinging on wires thirty feet above the Beacon stage as you toss fistfulls of glitter onto your brass section and belt "O Holy Night," a new holiday tradition if we ever heard one. Sadly, the tour has already made its Kodak Theater stops earlier this month.

• THERE'S NO HEART-AIKEN FROM ANGELIC IDOL [NY Post]