Yes, last night was another shocking episode of Project Runway. No, Lifetime didn't stop airing lady vitamin commericals and we didn't have both of the judges, but for the second week in a row, the elimination was a bit surprising. We will get there soon enough, but before that we have so much to discuss, like another "Here's some money go buy some shit and make a dress" challenge. But this one starred Cher's main bedazzler, Bob Mackie, and all the kids making a dress for Christina Aguillera. When they find out they're working for her, they jump up and down like a good bunch of trained monkeys or a group of gay boys in 2002. It's all very exciting.

Things We Hated:

• This Space is Reserved for Bitching About Judges: Finally, finally we got back Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. But that means that Michael Kors was missing. Are these two feuding or something? Give us back our fucking judges. Actually, I was a little sad that Nina was back, because I actually wanted to see either Vice Principal Glassner or Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts last night, because I finally decided I was going to call them "Pinta" and "Santa Maria" becuase, they came after Nina and aren't as cool. Then Nina sails back from judging an indigenous peoples' beauty contest in 1492 and ruins my joke. Ugh.
• Heidi's Pants: If you ever want to know what a slutty biker chick from hell looks like, it was Heidi during her first appearance yesterday wearing a pair of red leather pants with black scrawl all over them. Not only was the crotch insane (as an absent Ms. Kors would say), but they were totally nasty. Heidi actually bought these at Britney Spear's yard sale. Heidi was all "These are great, why are you getting rid of them?" And Britney said, "I've never worn them. I think they're too trashy." There you have it.
• Immunity: Gordana should have gone home last night for that thing that looked like her model took a gigantic dump in her sequined diaper. Adult baby is never sexy, no matter what your husband's favorite website tells you. But no, she had immunity. Nicolas should have gone home last week for his pool of Ent vomit, but immunity saved him too. Now it's off the table for the rest of the season and we can send some jokers home.
• Old Hollywood Glamor: Stop trying to channel it. It is not going to happen. And no one wants to look old. This is fashion, it's about making something new. Stop trying, and get some originality. That means you, Shirina.
• Carol Hannah and Logan: Not only are we over our ex-boyfriend Logan, but we are over the show trying to make him out to be some sexy Lothario. Didn't we see the exact same "Carol Hannah thinks he's sexy" segment a few weeks back? We get it. He's hot, and straight, and all the ladies love him. Giggle, giggle.
• The Boys: Christopher, Logan, and Nicolas all suck. Usually there is a fair balance of (gay) male and female talent on the show, but this time around, the ladies are smoking the guys. Did they do this for Lifetime's benefit?
• The Great Orange Plague of 2009: The judges need to get some designer swine flu maskes, proto (we're amazed that Louis Vuitton hasn't already come out with these, they'd be huge in the Asian market). The great orange infection is spreading, and Queen Tangerine Michael Kors wasn't even around this week. However, Bob Mackie got the infection from sitting in his chair, and he passed it on to Heidi, NGFDMCM, and Christina Aguillera. If Tim shows up next episode looking any shade darker than his usual death pallor, we're calling the World Health Organization.
• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine's Necklace: Is this what they gave you for sitting on the Miss New World pageant's dais? It was huge and ugly. We thought it was either an anchor to keep her from floating away or some sort of boomerang weapon that she was going to take off, swing around her head, and let go, flinging it in the direction of any outfit that bored her, knocking it off the runway and then screeching back into her hand for the next assault. Whatever it was, it was definitely hideous, even for Chicos.

Things We Loved:

• Bob Mackie's Dresses: The little exhibit of his fashions they took the designers to was seriously awesome. Bob Mackie may be over the top and crazy, but he has made some great show pieces in his day. Too bad none of these designers could live up to him, but how could you. And how did they get through the whole episode without one mention of the Carol Burnett Curtain Rod Dress? Mackie was also a great judge. He was orange, bitchy, and loved to look at the models' asses. Wait, are he and Ms. Kors the same person?
• Bitchy Tim: We hated this a few weeks ago, but we have learned to love Tim, who is the bomb. This week he had all sorts of harsh criticism for this bunch of marginally-talented sewers (yes, they are both people who sew and underground channels for human refuse). At this point in the season it's obvious that Tim is sick of L.A., that he thinks all these designers are hacks, and he just can't want to get back to New York so that he can spend a week straight sitting in Marie's Crisis singing show tunes and bitching about how there isn't a good piano bar for miles in L.A.
• "Just Put Some Diamonds on the Crotch and You're Home Free": That is Bob Mackie's fashion advice. This man shits sparkles and his pubic hair is made out of maribu. Live his fantasy!
• Saw VI: This movie got hip to the fact that the ladeez love horror movies and they are advertising on Lifetime during Runway. Strangely enough, watching the people react to torture is exactly what it sounds like in my living room every Thursday while we sit through countless commercials for lady vitamins, pee sticks, cleaning supplies, and Sorority Wars.

So, in the end, it was Shirina who went home for trying to channel "Old Hollywood Glamor" and winding up with something that looked like a dizzy whirling Dervish stuck in a blender. It was bad. Still, Shirina had come up with some good looks in the past, unlike Christopher, who has been floundering after a strong early showing. This is his third trip to the bottom in three weeks. Christopher, we know what your bad luck charm is and it is attached to your face. Shave it off. These were by far the worst two of the evening, barring Geordana's which was a sight so horrible that she should have had her immunity revoked and been sent home anyway. You know Ms. Kors would have demanded it if she were there.

We were fans of Our Girl Althea's silver sequined number, even though the train was too long. Carol Hannah deserved the win for her all-black sequin and feather number, though we bet it looked even better in person. This really did Mackie proud. We didn't think that Logan's was that horrible, and neither was Fat Kurt Cobain's. It was a retread (but none of the judges would know that, because none of them were there the last time he made this outfit), but it was something that Christina Aguilera really would have worn. A begrudging good job, Kurt.

Want to see more bitchy Irina, crazy contestants, and one of Tim Gunn's best take downs of all time? Then slip into this sparkly video number. You'll look just like Cher at the Oscars!

Under the Gunn
Context: Christopher tells Tim about his drag queen moment for Christina, and Tim is concerned it is ugly.
Vision: "Remember that time in Minneapolis where Shaleda Henry came out wearing this crazy black coat and then took it off and had sparkle panties and a corset on underneath? That was fierce."
Delusion: That anyone wants to look like a drag queen. Not even drag queens want to look like drag queens!
What Would Nina Say: "I wouldn't even wear that on a dare!"
Dramometer: 4

The World's Most Boring Asylum
Context: Gordana hiding from her heinous creation and everyone behaving crazy in the workroom.
Vision: The producers think they can show how the pressure is making everyone crack. So dramatic! And wild!
Delusion: Really, it's just some people giggling, putting fabric on their heads, and wheeling around mannequins. They don't need medication. Like a whiny four year old, they just need some cookies and a nap.
What Would Nina Say: "Never in my life have I behaved this way."
Dramometer: 1

The Bitch Edit
Context: The Bitch Edit is a phenomenon discovered by our perilous live blogger MisterHippity, who noticed that, all of the sudden, the show is turning Irina into a villain of the highest order.
Vision: The producers suddenly discovered that there is no one to hate, and they are including every one of her mean comments on the show.
Delusion: We do not hate her. We applaud this, because we can't be the only one hating on this show.
What Would Nina Say: "Why do they always call women like us a (makes air quotes) 'bitch?'"
Dramometer: 6

Runway Arrogance
Context: Carol Hannah stops making kissy face with Logan long enough to watch her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: To have no clue what you're doing, buy a bunch of fabric, and try to pull something off based only on skill.
Delusion: Usually this is the biggest delusion of all, but CH pulls it off. Good job.
What Would Nina Say: "I like it, but it won't read on TV. I don't read at all. It hurts my eyes."
Dramometer: 3

Back Talk
Context: Christopher tries to defend the outfit that should have sent him home. He gets savaged. At least he's stopped crying when he's on the bottom.
Vision: That if he says the designers hurt his pride, they'll stop making fun of him.
Delusion: Sorry, Chris, the only way they're going to leave you alone is if you start making something good again.
What Would Nina Say: See for yourself.
Dramometer: 6

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

Sweet gay Christmas, this is news. Cher, who some gay folks like, and Christina Aguilera, ditto, are teaming up to be in a movie musical called Burlesque. The film is about a small town girl who moves to Los Angeles and ends up performing at a club overseen by its all-knowing, former dancer proprietress. We're pretty sure we know who plays what role, but really it doesn't matter. All the gay dudes in all the land will be lining up for this one—to love it, to mock it, or just because that's what everyone else is doing. [Variety]

Having finally left Central Perk for long enough to explore New York and discover things as modern as really high rents and the Internet, Phoebe and Monica have decided they'd like to make a web show together. Lisa Kudrow is going to do a second season of her Web Therapy show, on which her old costar Courteney Cox will guest star. Probably to plug Cougar Town. Which looks rough. [THR]

Larry Doyle (I Love You, Beth Cooper) will direct an adaptation of his own upcoming novel Go Mutants!, which is about a high school where all the creatures from 1950s cheapo sci-fi/horror flicks (who were all real!) send their kids. So these weirdos try to blend in with the regular kids, even though they're loud and weird and stick out like sore thumbs. So it could have been called Go Theater! and it'd basically be the same thing. [Variety]

Pete Travis (the nonsensical Vantage Point) will direct a modern adaptation of Shakespeare's Macbeth. Because, oh good. We're getting a modern Hamlet (again), and we sorta got a modern R & J. We're really waiting for the modern King John, or the modern Measure for Measure, just to see Jena Malone as a nun who hooks herself out to save her brother (Sebastian Stan). Also, um, didn't we already get a modern Macbeth with the masterful (seriously, go rent it) Scotland, PA? Yes, we did. [THR]

Enchanted director Kevin Lima has signed on to direct Frank, a romantic comedy about a nerdy science lady who uses her genetics prowess to make herself a friend. Presumably said friend turns out to be rumply and handsome and then they fall in love until he finds out he's fake and goes away and a sad montage plays but then they get back together in the end. So it's a modern update of Frankenstein, if Victor and the Monster got gay together. Oh, let's do that! [Variety]

Poor sad Jessica Simpson is returning, head drooped dejectedly like a be-titted Charlie Brown, to reality TV. She'll star in the 2010 VH1 (oh, Jessica...) series The Price of Beauty, in which she travels the world and learns beauty tips (some are Extreme!!!) from women all over the place. So at least it's got some marginal amount of merit to it. I mean, it's not just her wandering around a mansion and yelling about tunafish. That's something. [THR]

Oscar-winning Slumdog Millionaire composer A.R. Rahman has just signed a worldwide licensing deal with Universal Music. He's also putting the finishing touches on the soundtrack he wrote for an upcoming Vince Vaughn comedy. So basically, he's gone from zero to hero! Albeit when we say "zero" we mean "He was very well known abroad but here in America we had no idea who he was and that's all that really matters in the end anyway". You know. [Variety]

Delightful actress Kathryn Hahn is on the move. She's inked a deal to play a supporting role in James L. Brooks' high profile new comedy, and she's got a TV pilot in the works that'd she'd star in. Must be crazy to suddenly have it all coming together. It's like when we finally do laundry after weeks and weeks, and we just can't believe it finally happened. [THR]

We appreciate Stanley Kubrick's film quite a bit ourselves — enough to be disappointed that Aguilera is missing not only the codpiece in her Droog costume, but also the point. Failing a browse through Anthony Burgess's source novel — strung through with autobiographical references such as the gang rape of his wife during World War II and his own suffering during a home-invasion robbery — we thought at least the characters' beating and bludgeoning might be more geared to a Halloween get-together. If you really want to impress your friends, try a masked orgy a la Eyes Wide Shut or, better yet, a Dr. Strangelove party at which Chace Crawford arrives 90 minutes late on a nuclear bomb.

• Christina Aguilera has a birthday party [The Superficial]

· Rob Giles at Molly Malones.
· Warner Drive at the Key Club.
· The Art of War at the Norton Simon Museum.
· Jedi Training at Disneyland.

The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a “top secret” modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he’s no Annie Leibovitz, and it’s unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore’s old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi’s successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame:

[Warning: What follows is NSFW, and in the case of one Lisa Rinna shot, NSFLunch.]

Lisa Rinna posed much more naked than most in, oddly enough, Playboy for all those guys out there who just can't get off unless their centerfold is very knocked up, and Milla Jovovich posed behind a transparent sheet for Jane's body issue. Monica Belluci has taken it all off for VF before, but it was the Italian edition, which really isn't that big a deal. It's European!

Though she was nowhere near naked, the then-prim Gwyneth Paltrow did bare her pregnant belly for a W cover, while Heidi Klum might as well have been nude for the cover of Vitals while carrying Seal's spawn. And Cindy Crawford looked very Demi indeed, but in a more model-y way, on an older W cover.

Most recently, Christina Aguilera shimmied around a bed for a Marie Claire cover shoot. And of course, Demi Moore initiated the trend on her landmark 1991 Vanity Fair cover. But our favorite (if we really had to pick one) nudie pregnant shoot of all time goes to Britney Spears in Harper's Bazaar, mainly because the 2006 shoot was ironically seen as a surefire way to "come back." If only she'd known there was simply no "way to come back," she wouldn't have had to pose for those drag queeny photos at all.

• NICOLE KIDMAN TO POSE PREGNANT AND NUDE? [Just Jared]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Icky sexualization of mammaries.
The Evidence: "Xtina's Rack — What a Boy Wants. They're real (allegedly) and they're spectacular!" See, here's the thing. Sure, breasts are sexualized in certain cultures, but Christina Aguilera: 1. Has implants and 2. Is a new mother who may still be breastfeeding. So it's supposedly funny to write "What a boy wants" cuz like, she had that song, "What A Girl Wants," but actually most men don't "want" milk-filled silicone jugs, do they? Unless by "boy" you mean "child under 2."
The Sentence: Watch the video for "Fighter" 250 times and write a 1000 word essay on these lyrics: "It makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/It makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter/Made me learn a little bit faster/Made my skin a little bit thicker/Makes me that much smarter/So thanks for making me a fighter."

The Accused, via reader submission: The Superficial
The Crime: A vile commenter who dreams of homicide.
The Evidence: On topless photos of Lily Allen, Andy writes: "If I were stranded in the Artic[sic] in the dead of winter, I'd slice open that huge belly and crawl inside to keep warm and survive the night. Otherwise I wouldn't touch this disgusting fat pig." Lily Allen is many things, but she is not a tauntaun. Says our reader,"Although there have been some egregious things said in regard to females, their sexuality and their very being, this by far was the most appalling comment I have ever read." Agreed. And thanks for the e-mail.
The Sentence: A one-way ticket to the Arctic to be mauled by a polar bear and experience frostbite.

The Accused, via reader submission: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes, a gossip-blog favorite.
The Evidence: "Trannycat Doll lead singer(?), Nicole Scherzinger, has taken the first step in dispelling all the rumors that everyone in this group has cocks by getting out of a car at Villa in Hollywood. Despite what my ex-girlfriend tells you, I've seen a lot of vaginas up close, so I'm comfortable saying this chick has one. I guess this is good news. She also looks like Pocahontas, so if you're thinking about raping her, you can say it was just for a history project." How many times to I have to type this? RAPE JOKES. NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
The Sentence: 5,000 word essay on the book "Exterminate Them": Written Accounts of the Murder, Rape, and Slavery of Native Americans During the California Gold Rush, 1848-1868.

That's it for the accused today. We don't have very many because they are usually culled by our own Maria-Mercedes Lara, and she's been out this week. Why? Because she graduated from Eugene Lang, the Liberal Arts College of The New School University, TODAY! She was a double major in both literature and writing. Congrats, Maria!

And if ever any of you see a Crime Against Womanity, don't hesitate to send the link and a short description to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

Madonna's first performance in Paris in over ten years was predictably packed with props and gimmicks, like opening her set while seated in a regal throne-like seat, "twirling a magician's wand," and impressively managing to strut through numbers while wearing six-inch heels (a trick she may have picked up from BFF Gwyneth's new slutty facade?). But with all the crowd's enthusiasm and Madge's ability to spark sexual controversy after all these years, there's one teensy bit of sad news: "After that kiss, her daughter Lourdes asked her Material Mom if she were gay." While we don't know how Madonna responded, we like to think she pulled an old copy of her Sex book off the shelves, opened it up to this image, and said, "Does that look gay to you, honey?"

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• MADONNA LOVES TO 'FRENCH THE FRENCH' [Sydney Morning Herald]
• MADONNA KISSES ANOTHER WOMAN (AGAIN!) [Us]

"She's gone public about being a heroin addict. Her boyfriend is covered in tattoos. By default, she's got the more interesting baby."

Admittedly, any star worth their drug history will corral the public's fascination (there's a reason Behind The Music was such a smash hit, thanks to its consistent inclusion of addiction-laden tales), but regarding star power, Aguilera is the proven winner. According to IMDB, the chameleon-like songstress has appeared on 19 US magazine covers to date (and that's not including 31 additional international covers!), compared to Richie's paltry two: FHM in 2004 and Seventeen in 2005. But apparently when it comes to babies, stars are no longer playing the fame game. It's more of a "which baby is more destined to wind up like Daniellynn" kind of game which, however sick and twisted it may be, is admittedly more fun.

• RICHIE COVER OUTSELLING AGUILERA'S [MSNBC.com]

First of all, the celebrity weeklies are minting stars who sell magazines, but can't sustain TV shows or pull audiences into movies. And the music stardom pays less than it did. So minor celebrities rely on paid exclusives for a growing share of their income.

But this is the more significant reason: celebrity weeklies represent one of the few growing magazine categories, and one of the most competitive. Never-seen-before pictures of the offspring of alpha celebrities are irresistible to female readers; they offer a guaranteed kick to sales. That's something embattled market leader, People Magazine, desperately needs. The Time Inc. title, under pressure from feistier competitors such as US Weekly, will report an 8% drop in circulation for the second half of 2007.

Not only is the former market leader trying to shore up circulation; it also now contends for "exclusives" with OK!, a UK import with no scruples about checkbook journalism. For instance, People used to buy preferential access to news from the Spears family; OK! paid $1m to poach the story of the pregnancy of younger sister, Jamie-Lynn, and future baby pictures.

You think that's premature? We're hearing that both People and OK! have put in bids for the story of Angelina Jolie's pregnancy. (The actress' first child by Brad Pitt, Shiloh, was the most valuable baby in celebrity media history, garnering donations worth $4m for US and international rights.) The difference this time: nobody even knows for sure whether the pouting Hollywood star is even expecting.

"The bidding wars going on between those two for these so-called exclusives is like nothing I've seen before," says a rival. "It's completely journalistically distasteful, but also fascinating to watch."

[T]hanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of Chrisina [sic] Aguilera's sexual terrorism has been muffled.

Citing the lyrics to Aguilera's song "Naughty, Nasty Boy," which entreat a lusty hunk of sin-meat to "put your icing in [her] cake" and give her a spanking, the blogger — who runs a Web site in support of a Republican senator from Kansas — further suggests the virus is revenge for tainting the world with her red-lipped strumpetry:

"Naughty, Nasty Boy"... may as well be the official anthem for harlotry and sodomy. One can only imagine how many unplanned sexual events occurred as a result of impressionable young minds being exposed to such filth.

Whether the blog is real or a parody has been debated, but one thing's for sure: In this person's zeal to praise the Lord for restoring faith in His mysterious ways, the author forgot to check his facts, confusing the current story with an old one from 2000 detailing how Xtina and half her entourage got the same throat infection.

Still, what's a little fact-checking when you are a master of linguistic gymnastics? For the pure joy of its over-the-top-ness, we hope the blog is genuine, and that this person truly thinks God did take time out from His divine work helping sports teams win and fixing the Emmy nominations to cast a pox on one of the few young singers who manages to keep us guessing as to whether she's wearing panties. Because that way, we can await with drooling hunger the inevitable forthcoming treatises on how God shaved Britney's head, tipped off the cops about Paris Hilton's many offenses, and royally coked up Lindsay's pants. Ah, that God. Such a scamp.

• Christina Aguilera Finally Tastes Her Just Desserts [Baptists For Brownback]
• Baptists4Brownback... Is It A Spoof? [catvincent.livejournal.com]
• Aguilera Cancels Two Australian Dates Because of Illness[SFGate.com]

• Ryan Seacrest kisses Christina Aguilera at midnight! [YouTube]