Along this journey through Satan's lower colon, you'll spot some recognizable faces— Blair Underwood, Christian Slater, McDreamy, Ricki Lake, Chad Lowe, and Corey Feldman, whose bedroom walls we can only imagine were covered in "Bad" posters at the time. You'll also spot some lesser-knowns: Keith "Adventures in Babysitting" Coogan, Melora "Jan from The Office" Hardin, Carrie "Carol Burnett's deceased daughter" Hamilton, plus an elegant pas de deux featuring Tracy "Ricky's daughter/Seinfeld's twin" Nelson and someone by the name of D.A. Pauley. Have we sold this yet? Did we mention Feldman gets a dance solo at the 4:45 mark? Enjoy.

• Wow, the Stars of the Future from the 1988 Oscars All Ending up Sucking… [hollywood-newsroom.com]

In today's installment: Neil Patrick Harris, Woody Allen, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Grazer, Blake Lively, Pierce Brosnan, Christian Slater, Chris Noth, Jason Lee, Jenny Lewis, John Rzeznik, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Dyan Cannon, Camryn Manheim, Bruce Vilanch and more!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· I was at the Arsenal in Los Angeles last night and saw (HOT)MIKE BORTONE (Survivor), PAMELA ALDON ( I remember her from Grease 2, but now on Californication and King of the Hill) and LIZA SNYDER (Yes, Please). They looked like they were having a great time, drinking & laughing & hanging out with a bunch of fun people. At one point I thought Liza & Pamela were going to get up & dance with the DJ's, but no luck. Good Times.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
· Saw BLAKE LIVELY at Urth Cafe in Beverly Hills. Amazingly, she mistook ME for one of her friends and stopped me as I walked by and said, "Hello." She realized her error and was very sweet in apologizing. She's as pretty in person as she is on TV.

· DYAN CANNON — all 90lbs of her — managed to waft/ tremble/ stumble into my abs class today at Equinox. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, that woman looks like the gorgeous Dyan Cannon, star of my all-time favorite and underrated Al Pacino movie Author! Author! But it can't be her because her surgically enhanced lips are bigger than my ass."

While the instructor yelled at us during the "reverse crunch" series ("this targets LBF, people! Lower Back Fat! Nothing attractive about that!"), I determined that it was indeed her. Her body is 15, most of her face is 35, but her lips are just...wow. A very bad decision. Sort of criminal, really, that some surgeon would go through with that. Someone should hire her for something—but first demand she gets rid of the trout pout.

· I saw WOODY ALLEN & SOON YI today at MOCA. He does not at all try to hide the fact that he's looking at you. Definitely a people watcher.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
· While at the Eddie Izzard show at the Kodak, I spotted a very cheery CAMRYN MANHEIM. I always expect her to be in a foul mood but she seemed open and, dare I say, bubbly. As I was waiting for the show to start I felt the cold wave of hack comedy wash over the crowd. As I turn around, I see a T-shirt with a hacky comment and the unmistakable bleached bowl-cut of BRUCE VILANCH entering the room. Watching Izzard perform, Vilanch must have felt like a midget trying to guard Shaq. Hopefully it made him realize he should quit the business and leave the hackiness to butchers, golfers, and Dane Cook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
· I saw JOHN RZEZNIK of the Goo Goo Dolls getting his Polish on at Warszawa in Santa Monica. He was with some appropriately punk looking pals, pretty cool, having his pierogi.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11
· It was the day of hot rocker boys of the 90’s at Equinox on Sunset. Saw DAVE NAVARRO and MARK MCGRATH. Dave’s always there, so that might not be much of a sighting. Mark got approached by some overeager fangirls and looked a bit confused, then scurried away.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12
· It was a celebrity smorgasbord at Nobu (Malibu) around 8:30pm: BRIAN GRAZER, PIERCE BROSNAN (looking fantastic!), CHRISTIAN SLATER (not so much) and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY (the usual). They were not all together as that would be just plain weird.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Driving home from work last night (13 Aug) I passed MIA MICHAELS (So You Think You Can Dance) heading in the opposite direction (west - natch!) on the Santa Monica Blvd. at the Van Ness intersection. She drives something big and Jeep-like and black. Naughty lady was at the wheel and using her cellphone. Brazenly! But then, as we all know, celebs are above the law.

· While waiting outside of my chiropractors office...I see CHRIS NOTH (aka, BIG) come out of "Miss Barry's Bootcamp". He was shirtless and glistening all over (having just finished being tortured by "Miss"). Anyway, he was very nice and did not seem to mind people checking him out (nice bod for an over 50 man). Needless to say my tiny little life got a lot bigger for a second.

· It was a celebrity paradox at Poquito Mas on Cahuenga. First, we see a scruffy yet sexy JASON LEE eating with his son PILOT. He seemed like a typical father with him, very sweet, taking him to the bathroom, making sure he had enough nachos, etc. He had a FULL beard (Jason Lee, not the kid), but it kind of worked on him. Then, just minutes later, an absolutely adorable JENNY LEWIS walked in with a pal. They looked like two sweet high school girls. She and Jason Lee made the awkward "I'm famous and you're famous and we are kind of Silver Lakey-Eastsider cool" nod to each other and I couldn't help but think that they would be an adorable couple. A little too cool for school though, perhaps...

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and DAVID WALTON (from Quarterlife) are working up a sweat (separately) at Equinox on Sunset.

1. Buying crack on the street: Tatum O'Neal—as we mentioned earlier, celebrities should all certainly have private, high-class connections to make discreet deliveries to their door. Buying rocks off the street is for the poors.

2. Calling the police while you do coke: Boy George—the singer made a frantic 911 call saying his home was being burglarized, only to be arrested on a drug charge after the cops found an eight-ball in his apartment when they showed up to investigate. Needless to say: do not call the police while you do coke. Christ.

3. Allowing yourself to be videotaped smoking crack: Amy Winehouse—the crazy British beehive badass got arrested after a tape of her smoking the rock was "passed to Scotland Yard." Shouldn't they be investigating mysterious murders in locked rooms, or something? In any case, if you're going to smoke crack, and you are a very famous person, be sure to do it with no recording devices present. (This goes for regular cameras too, Kate Moss).

4. Annoying your relatives so much they sell you out: Whitney Houston—The singer went so crazy on crack that her sister-in-law Tina Brown, herself a former crackhead, staged an intervention. By selling embarassing photos of Whitney's coke-strewn house to the National Enquirer! Lesson: your relatives are greedy bastards quick to stab you in the back to make a buck, so be sure to take care of them financially before they call the tabloids.

5. Fighting the police: Christian Slater—It's bad enough to be arrested by the police. Getting your ass kicked by them is even more embarrassing. Particularly when you act like a lunatic while doing so. Cue Christian Slater, 1997: the floppy-haired actor, bingeing on coke, beat his girlfriend at a party, bit a man, and then, "When the police arrived, Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, 'the Germans are coming and they will kill us!'" Don't do that.

Helluva drug.

· Hollywood NepotismWatch: Smith Edition. Willow and Jaden Smith attached to star in Warners' adaptation of Kazu Kibuishi's Amulet, a graphic novel about siblings who move into a dead relative's house and find a magical object and secret porthole, etc etc. You know the drill. [Variety]
· NBC is reportedly close to a series pickup for an untitled drama starring Christian Slater, and pitched as The Bourne Identity meets Jekyll & Hyde. This really should have starred David Hasselhoff. They broke the Jekyll & Hyde mold with that guy. [THR]
· Carla Gugino joins The Rock in Disney's Escape to Witch Mountain reimagining! Is that good? Is it bad? We don't know! Just don't fuck this one up for us! (Granted we haven't seen the original in about 30 years, and we plan on keeping it that way. Some levitating-over-a-chain-link-fence moments are best preserved in your wide-eyed youth.) [THR]

In today's episode: Sean Penn; James Woods, Ashley Madison and Andy Dick; Paris and Nikki Hilton; Christian Slater; Jon Lovitz; Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.; Tracy Morgan and Jasmine Guy; Dominic Monaghan; Minnie Driver; Ryan Reynolds; Adam Brody and Sean Hayes; David Boreanaz and Neil Flynn.

· Tues 5/15 around 11:30 am: Sean Penn outside the Four Seasons smoking a cigarette. Cab arrived and he got inside, then it drove away. The end.

· Last Thursday, after being drowned out by the noisy ramblings of underage or at least novice drunks at the Snake Pit on Melrose, in walked three guys, one being Andy Dick. Our joke of the night? One of my friends did not know who Andy Dick was. So we all sat — baffled. What was he in again? I know he's fathered a bunch of kids. I know he's done a lot of wonderfully loonified Hollywood hijinx, but what has he been in? Anyway. Unfortch for us, he was very well behaved.

Then yesterday, I was wandering near the L'Ermitage on Burton Way when I was two REALLY cute dogs. I closer view, I noticed one owner was James Woods and the other owner, his girl toy (Ashley Madison) who looks barely out of high school. Odd folks. Not really nasty, but not friendly, even when I cooed over their adorable dogs. What are they getting out of each other?? Not quite sure.

· Spotted Paris Hilton at the Grove Barnes & Noble last night (5-14). My friend and I were walking out just as she walked in. Paris was on her cell and nearly tripped right in front of us. She wore a white top with blue anchor prints as well as an anchor pendant. Just to be obnoxious, my friend and I went back upstairs and spotted the "Simple Life" star sitting on the ground, browsing through Photography and Art books. Of course, we picked up a tabloid with Paris on the cover and I took a photo of my friend "reading" about Paris, while she's in the background. Her sister Nikki was there as well. They stayed not more than 15 minutes because everyone noticed she was there. They ran out of the bookstore, just in time for my friend to yell out "PAAAAAAARIS!" outside Barnes & Noble. That's hot. Nikki drove off with her sister in a black Range Rover.

· I recently saw Paris Hilton in the Mrs. Beasley's store on S. Beverly stocking up on their line of mini-cupcake poppers, - perhaps for her upcoming stint in prison. Ms. Hilton was polite and pleasant and a crowd of paparazzi were waiting for her on the sidewalk outside.

· Christian Slater looking cute in a baseball cap at Shutters in Santa Monica today. With publicist type and buddy, driving off in his black BMW SUV.
Jon Lovitz in FULL tennis regalia at the Beverly Hills Hotel today waiting for his car.

Saw Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. eating sushi down in the Valley on Thursday night. SMG looks really hot these days with her brunette look and snuck out a couple of times during dinner for a cigarette break

· a little late but last saturday night (05/12) at the grove (even i felt lame being there), "30 Rock" albratross and alleged deejay-groper tracy morgan, looking unassuming... also saw "different world" veteran jasmine guy walking by the fountains. she looked really really old, but can't decide if it's just because i only see her in reruns. maybe i should look out for dwayne wayne using a walker...

· 5/16- Before the Mortified LA show started at KingKing, I was fortunate enough to be positioned at the bar next to Dominic Monaghan, while he chatted with a friend and ordered drinks (Stella). He was short (of course) and cuter in person. I'm a big fan of the hobbits, but I prefer Elijah Wood.

· Went to play drag queen bingo at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood last week. While in the parking lot, a British voice asked me, "Is this the right spot for Bingo?" Turned to see Minnie Driver, looking sleek and tall. Hair in kind of a weird pageboy cut. She was able to bypass the large line gathered outside and get a table right away. The drag queen hosting the event took great delight in making fun of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA but Minnie was a good sport about it all. She didn't win anything.

· Saw Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds, at the Troubadour on Monday night (5/14) at the Ari Hest / Damnwells show. He was with two girls, and the blond in the hat appeared to be his girlfriend. She didn't look anything like his ex, Alanis Morissette. Ryan had a scruffy beard and looked bored. He is very tall.

· Wed, 5/16—Spotted Adam Brody trekking around in Runyon alone. Boy is very thin and sporting a scraggly "beard" better suited on a teenager. No dog, though—just giant shades to shield him from lesser mortals.

· Thurs, 5/17—Silver Spoon Diner in WeHo—Sean Hayes at a corner table on the patio with a male friend. Had the requisite baseball cap on...does he ever not wear one?

· Saturday 5/12 @ Mastro's- We saw David Boreanaz (Bones, Angel) with his wife and kid eating dinner. The wife was getting her gifts for mother's day from both of them, and it was really sweet. Our waitress said that he is also a manager there??? Don't know about that one, and couldn't find anything on IMDB. I could see part owner or something, but a manager? Geesh, what does Fox pay their actors nowadays? Anyhoo, dinner was amazing and I was glad to have at least one sighting since we had our moms with us and they were pretty excited to see a celeb.

· Even better than a Ribisi or Sutherland sighting.... the hub and I saw Janitor from "Scrubs" (Neil Flynn) at Alcove in Los Feliz on Thursday 5/17

• Christian Slater Re-Files Divorce Papers [People.com]

It was Jan. 1 at the new AMC movie theater in Century City. The 10:15pm showing of Match Point. I got there at 9:45 and already there were no seats left in the theater except for those crappy ones in the first four rows where you can get serious neck damage looking at the screen. So I was sitting there pouting over my bad luck and waiting for the show to begin when lo and behold, Christian Slater and two girls sit down in the very first row. They were obviously pissed about the bad seats but decided on sitting there anyways. Two guys and one more chick joined the group and I felt as if I was watching middle schoolers at the movies. Christian and his guy friends would laugh at random times and then try to "outlaugh" each other.

Christian also spent a good portion of the movie balancing a soda cap on his nose. When Scarlett Johansson and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers had their first on-screen kiss—in the pouring rain, in a British countryside field—Christian yelled out "Unbelievable!" and that was not a cinematic critique. It probably had something to do with Scarlett's soaking wet shirt and the fact that she was on top of the guy. But the best part actually happened during the previews. When Mel Gibson's new movie Apocalypto came on, Christian pulled out his digital camera and was recording it. Hello, Hollywood! You have pirates in your midst.

Unfortunately, Slater's "Unbelievable!" falls just short of qualifying him for enshrinement in the incredibly exclusive Overheard Celebrity Movie Reviewer pantheon, but this report should serve a much more important societal purpose: alerting us to the existence of a cabal of underemployed actors trying to make ends meet by proferring shoddily recorded movie fragments on the black market. We can only hope that swift, vigilante action by the MPAA can break up this shadowy gang before it can destroy the very industry that once enriched them in a more direct fashion.

• Previously: Christian Slater Plays Grab-Ass With Gravity [Defamer]
• Hollywood PrivacyWatch Special Edition: Britney, K-Fed, and the Geishas [Defamer]

Christian Slater apparently fell off the roof of Paris Hilton's neighbor's house during a weekend party at the West Hollywood home of the hotel heiress.

Slater, 36, purportedly made his climb to inspect some folks who complained about the noise. He then landed in the bushes and was "not injured, not hurt, not arrested," Los Angeles Police Department Sgt. Karen Leong tells the New York Post. She denied reports that officers used a Taser gun on the actor. "Not true," she told the paper.

Hold on a second—if Slater was checking out people who were complaining about the noise at Hilton's party, why did he fall off the neighbor's roof? Was he so heroically drunk that he climbed to the top of the wrong house? Or was he sent on a kamikaze mission to vomit in the cranky neighbor's pool in retaliation for the noise complaint? It's a small tragedy that in a story that begs for a joke about Slater tumbling into Paris Hilton's bush, we're distracted by so many unanswered questions.

• Slater Falls from Roof at Paris Hilton Bash [People.com]