The conversation around Roman Polanski has been a hard one to follow. Part of it is annoyance - it is unnerving to see how certain celebrities fall under scrutiny for consorting with minors and others can make it seem like an unfortunate lapse in judgment.

Jill at Feministe points out how many actors seem to feel that this is just peachy:

What I don't understand is why so many people are signing this petition. On the most basic level, it's especially disappointing when the signatories are people whose work I like and respect. Pedro Almodovar. Wes Anderson. Natalie Portman. Kristin Scott Thomas. Darren Aronofsky. Diane von Furstenberg. Julian Schnabel. Martin Scorsese. Tilda Swinton. Gael Garcia Bernal (there goes my biggest crush). Penelope Cruz.

But they are, after all, just entertainers. It's absolutely heartbreaking when the support comes from someone who should really know better - like the founder of the Feminist Majority Foundation.

"My personal thoughts are let the guy go," said Peg Yorkin, founder of the Feminist Majority Foundation. "It's bad a person was raped. But that was so many years ago. The guy has been through so much in his life. It's crazy to arrest him now. Let it go. The government could spend its money on other things."

Lauren over at Feministe brings her experience into the narratives around Polanski, noting:

Rape is not the only assault. Around rape is a large segment of the population that questions the victim, a culture that looks down on victims for allowing themselves to be victimized, or keep them victimized, questions about the victim's credibility, questions about the legacy of rape and how bad it is, because how bad is rape really? Rape, because various levels and forms of sexual assault are systemic and pervasive across all societies, exists alongside one's experiences of unwanted touching, wanted touching, sexual objectification, sexual desire, sexual harassment, incest, love, leering eyes, cat calls, roaming hands, consent, confusion, tits, vagina, rectum, penis, mouth, rape and not-rape, all of it loaded, all of it veering at rape's ugly legacy, co-mingling, the legacy that tells us to be more careful, to dress more conservatively, to BE BETTER AT BEING VULNERABLE, or BE MORE POWERFUL, or BE MORE FEARFUL, or GET OVER IT ALREADY. Rape leaks into healthy, consensual experiences. It lingers. It pervades.

Roman Polanski initiated sexual contact with someone he knew to be underage, persisted after she said no, pled guilty to unlawful intercourse with a minor, and fled the country when he feared he would go to prison anyway.

What's so disturbing about the articles isn't that people are claiming our legal system is flawed. It's that people - be they in Hollywood or your average citizen - are grasping for all kinds of ways to twist this back on the victim and to exonerate Polanski by denying this crime ever happened. So you want him to walk on a technicality? Fine. Admit that! But why are we denying that the rape ever happened?

It did happen.

Polanski admitted as such. So are people so invested in the idea that if we pretend it isn't "rape-rape" then the matter will be resolved?

As Rock says at the end of the clip: "The United States, we want to capture Osama Bin Laden, and murder him. We don't want to rape him - that would be barbaric!"

Rape is a barbaric act.

And I'm amazed it took a comedian to say it outright.

Heartbreakers [Feministe]
Getting Over It[Feministe]

Earlier:
Whoopi On Roman Polanski: It Wasn't 'Rape-Rape'
This Roman Polanski Thing? International Clusterfuck
Letters From Hollywood: Roman Polanski's Rape Of Child No Big Thing
Are Anti-Polanski Celebs Afraid To Speak Up?

Forbes put out their list of the 10 richest comedians based on their concert ticket sales, movie deals, and DVD sales.

1. Jerry Seinfeld $85 million between June 2008 and June 2009. He also filmed this commercial. Laugh it up, America!

2. Chris Rock whose worldwide 'No Apologies Tour' contributed to his $42 million bounty. Chris is a funny man and we should continue to give him our money.

3. Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham banked an estimated $30 million over the course of the year. Wait, who?!

4. Dane Cook is the friend that nobody likes. The friend with $20 million dollars.

5. George Lopez. $20 million. Holler back Canoga Park!

6. Howie Mandel. Aw, I have a soft spot for Bobby's World.

7. Larry the Cable Guy made $13million dollars last year. This clip about sums it up.

8. You might be a redneck if you only make $11 million dollars, Jeff Foxworthy.

Ok! Did you guess who? Did you say Dane Cook? I hope you did cause he's the ambassador of TERRIBLE.

Terminator Salvation is once again surrounded with controversy and angry people. This time, though, Christian Bale is blessedly uninvolved. No, one of the film's producers, Moritz Borman, is suing his fellow prods Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek. The pair owns the Variety]

Martin Lawrence, Regina King, Tracy Morgan, James Marsden, Zoe Saldana, and Loretta Divine will be joining Chris Rock in the remake of the British comedy Death at a Funeral (which starred Alan Tudyk and Peter Dinklage). Oddly, angry white boy Neil LaBute is slated to direct. [Variety]

If you weren't already convinced that we've only a few short, miserable, light-starved years to go before humanity coughs, sputters and dies, here's the tipping point. More people are watching The View this year than ever before. [Variety]

Julia Roberts will be producing a film called Jesus Henry Christ. It's actually just going to be Julia standing and smiling at George Clooney, touching his cheeks and saying "Oh you..." Then they rob a bank in Biarritz. [THR] Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss will be joining Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker out in Wyoming. When asked about the project, Moss gushed "Oh it's so exciting. Hugh's always wanted to be a cowboy. It's nice to see his dream come true." [THR]

Joe Simpson continues to try and squeeze blood from his stone-like daughters. He's now signed his most irksome offspring Ashlee Simpson-Wentz up for Embarrassing TV Camp, where she'll be doing some sort of frown-faced, husky-voiced acting for the new Melrose Place reboot. She'll play a small town LA transplant with a secret. The secret is that she has no discernible talent. [THR]

· As assumed, the Michael Cera-Charlene Yi potboiler Paper Heart will screen in Park City, where it's one of the few competition features expected to find an immediate distribution suitor. A couple others: John Krasinski's directorial debut Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, an adaptation of a novel by the late David Foster Wallace starring Krasinski, Julianne Nicholson, Rashida Jones and Timothy Hutton; and Cold Souls, starring Paul Giamatti as a "famous American actor" who, "in the midst of an existential crisis [...] explores soul extraction as a relief from the burdens of daily life." So basically it's about joining CAA.

· Chris Rock crosses over to the gritty nonfiction world with Good Hair, a documentary about barbers.

· Pierce Brosnan will attend the world premiere of his drama The Greatest, prompting a burst of confetti and showgirls upon some unwitting attendee's 1 millionth grudging complaint that Sundance is "so fucking over."

· Complement your mid-January American Idol saturation with Afghan Star, about the nation's TV talent-competition hit Pop Idol; "this film follows the dramatic stories of four contestants as they risk their lives to sing." All that, just to succumb in the end anyway to Afghanistan's equivalent of Priscilla Presley. Heart-rending.

· Robert Siegel, former Onion editor and an Oscar-nomination lock for his Wrestler screenplay, makes his directorial debut with Big Fan, starring Patton Oswalt as "a parking garage attendant who happens to be the New York Giants' biggest fan." He life is "turned upside down after an altercation with his favorite player," whom we really, really hope isn't Plaxico Burress.

· It's a three-way tie for best synopsis, as far as we can tell:

The Cove — Dolphins are dying, whales are disappearing, and the oceans are growing sick. The horrors of a secret cove nestled off a small, coastal village in Japan are revealed by a group of activists led by Ric O’Barry, the man behind Flipper.

Dirt! The Movie — The story of the relationship between humans and dirt, Dirt! The Movie humorously details how humans are rapidly destroying the last natural resource on earth.

Humpday — A farcical comedy about straight male bonding gone a little too far.

Tough call, though we think we've already seen that last one. What do you think?

• Sundance Film Festival

• Sundance Sets Slate: 64 Films To Compete In Park City [IW]

• Listen to Chris Rock at Tampa Obama rally [TampaBay.com]

Stephen Witt, a reporter from the New York Post-owned Courier-Life chain, seized the microphone to try his hand at stand-up comedy during the delay.

“What do you know about Brooklyn 99-cent stores?” asked Witt, who last made headlines for hugging Atlantic Yards developer Bruce Ratner at a 2006 rally. “Have you ever been so broke that you had to put something on lay-away at a 99-cent store?”

Witt’s quip was met with boos...

“It was just awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for him,” said one woman, who said she saw Witt consuming alcohol before his artistic contribution to the evening.

And look, there's a clip!

[Brooklyn Paper]

"'Chippendales' was a weird sketch. I always hated it...The joke of it is, basically, 'We can't hire you because you're fat.' There's no comic twist to it. It's just [bleep]ing mean. Chris wanted so much to be liked. As funny as that sketch was...it's one of the things that killed him."

As the NYDN reports, SNL writer Bob Odenkirk called him "totally nuts." But that's the least of it. Former cast member Norm McDonald reveals that after Farley was let go from the show, he felt so low that he'd taken to bringing prostitutes "to dinner and treat them so sweetly. He'd introduce them to you as his girlfriend." Producer Lorne Michaels has repeatedly compared Farley to his predecessor John Belushi, who died at the same age of 33, under remarkably similar circumstances: after going on a drug-infused bender with a strange woman, he was left alone to die after injecting speedballs.

When asked to compare Farley to John Belushi in an interview with TV Guide, Lorne explained:

"John was physical, but he could do remarkable impressions. He could do very deep character work, and I think that he found much more of his talent. Chris, he just didn't get the chance...He perhaps romanticized what he thought was John, the way John lived."

[Photo credit: Getty]

• CHRIS FARLEY'S DARK COMEDY [NYDN]

But first things first. Var reporter Diane Garrett only minutes ago broke the scoop that Chris Rock has a problem with cross-examination:

Rock had testified that he sought Pellicano's services at the advice of his attorney when a one-night stand kept insisting that he was father of her child. When [attorney Chad] Hummel referred to Rock's "belief" that he was not the father, the comedian got visibly annoyed.

"That was not a belief of mine," Rock clarified. "It was true."

When Hummel then probed why Rock thought the model's claims were a shakedown, he replied: "Someone who was not pregnant with my child claimed to be pregnant with my child and requested large sums of money."

We all know how that went, but we're especially interested to see what shakes down in Weiner's case. The HuffPo blogger leaked the Chris Rock tapes and recently irritated scary Hollywood lawyer Bert Fields with her reports that he would take the Fifth Amendment in his own testimony; that passed, but after being approached Thursday while retrieving her mobile phone from the courthouse hall, indeed, Weiner got served:

The journo, who has a law degree, said it was the first time she had been served. She previously raised eyebrows for invoking her legal status to gain access to Pellicano in jail while covering the story for the New York Times.

The restraining order did not deter Weiner from continuing to report on the trial, however. Within an hour she was blogging away from a bench outside the courtroom.

A woman after our own hearts, though if we're being honest, we've never passed up the opportunities our own restraining orders have afforded us for a day off. Or at least an early lunch. We presume Arianna would understand; it's not like she's paying anybody or anything.

• Rock takes stand in Pellicano case [Variety]

• Weiner gets served in Pellicano case [Variety]

But at the time of the recording, the threat was clear and present, and listening to it now allows us for the first time to become privy to Pellicano's legendary, counter-"lying scumbag, manipulating cocksucker" tactics. Over the course of the conversation, they cover the logistics of the case (Rock "probably came on her ass," but Pellicano instructs him to "change your story now, that you came on her leg,"), Pellicano repeatedly calls Rock his "honey," and "babe," and apologizes to take a moment to "scream at my secretary." If you've got half-an-hour to kill, we highly recommend sitting through the entire thing, but we've included the best snippet—in which Pellicano pledges to "blacken this girl up for you left and right," as a distraught Rock laments, "Once you get accused of rape you are just fucked...I'm better getting caught with fucking needles in my arm,"—above.

• Chris Rock And Anthony Pellicano's Secret Phone Call: The Tryst, The Tissue Of DNA And All The Details [HuffPo]

In today's episode: Orlando Bloom; Matthew Perry, Kevin Pollak, and a Lesser Baldwin; Chris Rock; Andy Garcia, Steven Bauer, Nestor Carbonell, Zach Braff, Donald Faison, and Sarah Chalke; Tim Curry and Ellen Pompeo; David Hasselhoff; Justin Chatwin and Molly Simms; Milo Ventimiglia; Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis; Andy Dick; Harry Hamlin; Jorja Fox and Aimee Mann.

· I noticed Orlando Bloom taking in the Tracey Emin opening at the Gagosian Saturday night, looking happy and dapper. Later he was talking to the artist, possibly asking what it would cost for the large needlepoint of her bush.

· My fiance and I were at the AMC in Century City Friday night (11/02) getting our tickets to see American Gangster when I noticed a man who looked like he had to be one of the Brothers Baldwin (either Billy or Stephen, we couldn't decide). Then I noticed that the Unspecified-Baldwin-Brother (UBB) was talking to Matthew Perry, an unknown female, and Kevin Pollack. As I could only hover so long w/out being extremely obvious (and was a little embarrassed as the main person I wanted to stare at was Kevin Pollak b/c I've always had this weird crush on him), we proceeded downstairs to stand in line before our theater opened up. UBB walked into the theater showing Bee Movie. Matthew, Kevin, and "unknown female" entered the theater showing American Gangster while it was still being cleaned, and the rest of us plebes waited in line. When they let us in, I made sure that we were sitting behind our VIPs. Sadly, the most exciting thing I have to report is that Matthew Perry kept saying something like "But...I don't understand" after every preview, and Kevin Pollack lol-ed during odd and not-purposefully-funny parts of the movie (primarily, whenever Armand Assante was on screen—maybe because Armand sounded like he was trying to "do" Brando-as-Don-Corleone and it *was* kind of funny).

· Coming empty-handed out of the LA Eyeworks sale Saturday I spied Chris Rock and a very lovely woman coming out of a nearby store. Not being stalky or nothing (I wanted to catch the DASH at Fairfax to Beverly and home) I followed them; he waved to a couple of store owners and they ducked into that store with the red carpet across from Fairfax High. He's quite nice looking in person and his date was not only lovely but not anorexic. They looked like a nice couple, and like they were having a great time shopping on the cool-ish evening. Damn them.

· Friday Night, spotted Andy Garcia, Steven Bauer and Nestor Carbonell sharing a booth at La Loggia in Studio City. Later the same night, cast members from Scrubs seemed to take over the end of the bar area, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalke and Zach Braff, all showed up.

· Nov 5 - Hollywood Farmers Market - Ellen Pompeo, looking like one big pill perhaps because no one was paying attention to her, and her fiance. Also Tim Curry.

· David Hasselhoff sighting last night (Nov. 1) at the Whole Foods in Brentwood sans sunglasses.

· 11/2—molly sims and justin chatwin celebrating a friends birthday at the new david myers restaurant comme ca.

· 11/1- La Scala, Beverly Hills. I spotted Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes eating lunch with two guys. He was very well dressed and very good looking.

· 10/31/07—stopped by Gelson's on Santa Monica around lunchtime and found Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis doing a big grocery shop. alcohol and party supplies seemed to fill most of the cart, so i'm guessing a halloween party was in store for those two. he had on a hat and sunglasses and was about the same height as her (in other words, short).

· Saturday, saw a desperate for attention Andy Dick getting thrown out of IO West for disturbing shows there. Douchiness never goes on strike

· This morning (11/5): made eye contact with Harry Hamlin, while walking to work, in an alley behind Ventura Blvd., in Sherman Oaks. His cartoon fish-lipped wifey (don't get me wrong - I lurved Lisa Rinna in DOOL) is apparently opening up her own boutique on the Boulevard. He looks exactly like he does on TV and pictures, which is to say he looks like he's been 50 years old for the past 20 years.

· Nov 4, Silverlake. Whilst enjoying a nice brunch at my fave place (that i will not name), spotted soon to be former CSI Jorja Fox brunching with some friends. Taller than you'd expect and dressed quite frumpily. Also enjoying the food was chanteuse Aimee Mann without hubby. Tall and v thin.

While comedian Richard Jeni's suicide was obviously hard on longtime friend and frequent Houston's dining companion Chris Rock, he made sure to work up to the Acceptance stage of grief before taking a seat on David Letterman's couch so as not to bring down the show with depressing sentiment. Rock then unexpectedly progressed to the little-known sixth stage of the Kübler-Ross model, This Is Sad And All, But I Have A Movie To Promote, eliciting relieved laughs from an audience eager to know that it's OK for everyone to get on with their lives following a brief, uncomfortable talk show discussion of a recent tragedy.

UPDATE: We seem to be having trouble with the clip. It should be back up shortly! Problem solved!

• Previously: Richard Jeni Dead Of Apparent Suicide [Defamer]

In today's episode: Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and Al Pacino; Meg Ryan; Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez; Chris Rock, Lionel Richie, Kelly Lynch, Mitch Glazer and Elvis Mitchell; Katherine Heigl, T.R. Knight and Justin Chambers; Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley; David Caruso; Jared Leto; Tyra Banks; Jason Alexander; Rip Taylor; Seth Green; Eric Clapton; John C. Reilly; Jillian Barberie; Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Esposito; Steven Bochco; Paris Hilton; Zachary Quinto; Tim Curry; Justin Berfield; Jill Hennessy; Jeffrey Jones; Oscar Nunez and Kiersten Warren.

· So, apparently there's this little Italian place below the sidewalk on Beverly just east of Robertson called Madeo's. Who knew? Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and Al Pacino all do and were all there last night getting their dinner on. Cox arrived first with kid(s) (i think only one belonged to her), and looked radiant in a Bride Of Skeletor kind of way. Aniston met her later, and looked radiant in a Queen Of The Emaciated Goddesses kind of way. Then Pacino slid into the booth and they all had a crazy threesome. Just kidding. Pacino was with less attractive people and looking batshit insane.

· Today, Feb. 13 @ approx. 2:20pm - saw Meg Ryan @ La Provence Patisserie & Café on Olympic in BH. She was wearing baggy green cargo-esque pants, big sunglasses and disheveled long hair mostly covering her face, but not those amazing lips of hers. While waiting for her salad to-go and beverage, she played with her phone/pda. Very sweet and unassuming, she exited with her order and took off in her silver BMW 550.

Feb. 6th @ approx. 10:15pm - saw Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez waiting for their cars at the Beverly Hills Peninsula Hotel valet. QT was speaking to Robert in his typical rapid-fire delivery, and Robert mostly listened. QT drove off in a fairly new yellow Mustang and Robert in a black Mercedes 350.

· It was an interesting night at the Sunset Tower Bar tonight (2/13). First I noticed Lionel Richie at the bar with an unidentified woman. (I think he and friend closed the place down, since they were still there as we left late.) Dmitri, the super skilled maître d' who's got a subtle Lois Weisberg/Howard Rubenstein thing going on, introduced Lionel to Kelly Lynch and Mitch Glazer as they were leaving. Then Elvis Mitchell was there interviewing Chris Rock. If only a crew from "Iconoclasts" had been in the room to capture some of these encounters.

· I saw Katherine Heigl, T. R. Knight and Justin Chambers last night at Figaro on Vermont Street in Los Feliz. T.R. Knight was eating steak tartare and, according to the waiter, comes in all the time Katherine Heigl. I don't know if this is like some secret celebrity spot, because I also saw Avril Lavigne with her husband (Deryck Whibley) there on Sunday for brunch (I obviously go there a lot).

· Friday 2/16 @ 1:00pm - David Caruso crossing the street on Roxbury Drive (cross street Wilshire) and hopping into a Silver Mercedes with a female driver. Wearing a sport jacket with jeans and the mandatory sunglasses. Can't miss the red hair though.

· 2/9 Jared Leto at the Roxy watching Chris Hall of Stabbing westwards new locally formed band "The Dreaming". He hung out in the seating area while they played and Chris kept making jokes about how they'd like to go on tour with 30 seconds to mars.

· On Sunday afternoon I was sitting at the little 'cafe' area in the Hollywood Trading Post at Fairfax and Melrose, listening to the jazz band while friends shopped. I saw this tall beautiful black woman about 10' away and it took me awhile to actually realize it was Tyra Banks, and not some 10 cent lookalike. I wasnt convinced at first since she was very conservatively dressed: Boots, tight, chic blue jeans, a tasteful gray sweater and her hair was in a bun. However, after several people walked and then whispered in each others ears saying "Its Tyra!" it wasthen and only then I realized it was indeed Ms. Top Model herself. She has crazy looking eyes in person.

· Yesterday (2/12), driving on Little Santa Monica at Camden...I'm cruising through the intersection, when this schmuck on his cell phone steps out of the crosswalk and begins to go. i didn't even have time to hit the horn, i just slammed on the brakes and hoped for the best. the guy doesn't even look up at me, but he just sort of instinctually goes back to the sidewalk, all the while talking on the cell. i shoot him a dirty look as i drive by, and i realize... I almost killed Independent George!! Stupid JASON ALEXANDER. He needs to watch where he's going, or he'll end up deader than Kramer's career.

Also, this past Saturday (2/10) at the LA Fitness on La Cienega, I saw RIP TAYLOR working out wearing a baseball hat that said "RIP" across the front. Unfortunately, there was no confetti to be seen anywhere.

· Saw "Robot Chicken" impresario Seth Green at Fred Segal Melrose on Saturday. He was being doted on by two hottie stylist-types and a salesman, neither of whom kept him from fretting over the contrast between a blazer and a shirt. I still wish he woulda kicked the crap out of Ari in last season's Vegas ep of "Entourage."

And in the "Stars! They're just like us!" department, Eric Clapton did at least two consecutive weekend gigs at the laundromat on 3rd and Sweetzer, washing his own duds and keeping to himself. Hopefully, this means there'll be a "Clapton Live From the Fluff-N-Fold" double cd in stores this coming Christmas.

· John C Reilly at the LA Derby Dolls (Fight Crew vs Tough Cookies) on 2/10. Best sport ever!

Jillian Baberie behind me on the 405 South merging onto the 101 West 2/13 around 10:30. Must have just gotten off work.

· Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Esposito at Urth Cafe in Santa Monica, 2/11. They looked very much like a nice married couple out for a casual rumpled Sunday brunch, except it was Monday. I briefly considered crashing into Jennifer, just to feel something, but opted instead to eat my damn salad.

· Ah, another asshole celebrity entitlement moment. Leonine Steven Bocho sitting in his grey Mercedes sedan in the middle the Cloverfield/Olympic intersection at the height of rush hour blocking two left turn lanes that had a green arrow. When I gave him a "can you move" look, he shrugged a "deal with it" shrug, world weary. So I rolled down the window, and said "Cop Rock!" Seemed more cutting than "Fuck you."

· Driving down Melrose at 1:45am on Saturday night, I saw a Bentley flying in the same direction, swerving in and out of lanes. My friend said, "I guarantee that's Paris Hilton" right as the car drifted into the left lane while the right turn signal flashed. We pulled up next to the car at a red light and sure enough, Paris turns and looks right at us, jamming out to her music. Shocking she ever got a DUI...

· Saturday, 2/10, noon -

While volunteering at the South L.A. Animal Shelter during their Valentine's Day Adoption weekend, I spotted Zachary Quinto- aka Sylar from NBC's "Heroes" - coming in the shelter to help out. It could have been a photo-op, but still it's nice to know he's a hero off-camera.

· February 11, just in time for Valentine's Day, I saw Tim Curry aka Dr. Frankenfurter at the Hollywood Farmer's Market. I liked him better personally in "Clue" but either way it was not a good look as he had picked up weight and just happened to be stuffing his mouth full of food while waddling through the middle of the market. I normally don't comment on people being fluffy, but chewing with your mouth open is just in poor taste. Boo!

· Actor Justin Berfield (Malcolm in the Middle) texting his fingers off on his blackberry while sitting in the Delta Crown Room at LAX, interrupted moments later as two other people joined him.

· It's been a full week.........saw Bob Saget being as polite as he could be to his seatmate in first class, who started the conversation with, "Hey, I know you, who are you?" It went downhill from there. Bob was flying back from some gig in St. Louis (Sunday morning) to LAX.

Saw Jill Hennessy of Law and Order at the Patty Griffin show at the Hotel Cafe........Tuesday night........she's very pretty and waited in line just like the riff raff. The show was awesome, although overcrowded with lots of music industry types, making me feel very claustrophobic.

· Saturday, Feb 10th - My friend and I were eating lunch at the Arclight before our movie when we saw Ed Rooney himself — JEFFREY JONES walking from the parking lot. Didn't look like he was going into the theaters. He was heading straight for Sunset. He was flying solo.

Then on Sunday I saw OSCAR NUNEZ of The Office at Hugo's Restaurant in Studio City/Sherman Oaks. There was quite a wait to get in, since it was brunch time, so he was stuck waiting near the restroom area. Hugo's is the place to see TV stars as I saw Jon Cryer there sometime last year!

· I was at the Farmer's Market on 3rd on 2/10 for breakfast. Seated at one of the outside tables was Kiersten Warren with her husband. She was reading the paper in a blazer. I recognized her and was signaling to my mom who is a huge fan of Desperate Housewives, that she was the lady that got killed in the supermarket! Anyway, we went up to her and she took a pic with my mom. Nice lady, great bod for a gal her age!

In today's episode: Jake Gyllenhaal; Chris Rock; Kiefer Sutherland; Maggie Gyllenhaal; Lucy Liu; Wayne Brady and Jai Rodriguez; Suzanne Somers, Lily Tomlin, Joan Collins and Linda Evans; Malcolm McDowell; Nicholas Brendon; Ed Helms; Bradley Cooper; Carlos Bernard; Demetri Martin; Henry Simmons; Ben Savage and Tony Kanal; Natalie Raitano and G.E. Smith.

· Sunday at the dog park. My dog starts playing with a cute German shepherd that proceeds to hump him, without benefit of formal introduction or dinner. The owner and I intervene to restore civility and suddenly I'm confronted with sapphire blue orbs. Who else but Jake Gyllenhaal. Very sweet, drop dead hot, and very apologetic- although none was necessary. Our dogs just lived out my fantasy, by proxy. I say "WOOF".

· 1/22 - Whole Foods Market, 3rd & Fairfax, around 8pm. While waiting for my sandwich I spotted Chris Rock checking out the hot food bar; he gave me a look that said if I further identified him his house would surely be rained upon by locusts then sped away.

Does Everybody Really Hate Chris, or is he just paranoid?

· Just saw Chris Rock making a beeline for the automatic doors at the Whole Foods at 3rd and Fairfax. He was wearing an early 90s looking denim jacket, hands in pockets, and wearing big headphones. I don't know what he was doing, but he surely wasn't buying groceries.

· I was at my friend's play in North Hollywood (which probably seats about 40 people). In walks for the 3pm show (1-21) as if in slow motion, Kiefer Sutherland taking off his aviators. The man was wearing a suit and tie. Not business wear, but sexy & classy. I haven't seen anyone look that dapper in awhile. Even my friend who is in the play noted that she felt sorry for him looking as beautiful as he did in such a small little theater. I couldn't believe this was the same man who attacked a Christmas tree and got so trashed he took off his pants in a bar. We did our best not to gawk, but all of us were dumbfounded and a little weak in the knees. "What can you do?" my friend said, about Jack Bauer being in the same breathe-space. The answer was nothing. You can only take it all in.

· Maggie Gyllenhaal pulling out of a spot on Highland, just before Santa Monica. New dark gray Lexus, dealer plates, "Baby on Board" windowshade (though no sign of the wee one). Always thought she would drive something more Nordic, a Volvo or a Saab. Had Sienna Miller-style Golden Globes/Heidi hairdo. Even in a driveby, hard to miss her stunning complexion. Where's Jakey?

· 1-22 2:13 p.m. Ed's Coffeeshop on Robertson: Lucy Liu.

· So Wayne Brady and Jai Rodriguez have been out and about together quite a lot in the West Hollywood Bar Scence recently, i spotted them twice in one week. On Thursday (Jan. 18th) they were eating together and having drinks at OBar then on Sunday (Jan. 21st) i saw them and two women leaving Mickey's. A friend of mine that's a go go dancer at the bar said that they just stared and hardly tipped him. He also said that he spotted them out at the Abbey a few nights earlier... draw your own conclusions but i have a feeling that Wayne must be doing research for a new role. Insert joke here.

· Saturday (1/20) Lily Tomlin was at the Joan Collins/Linda Evans play "Legends" at the Wilshire Theatre. Looking great and was sweet as can be to my friend who insisted on saying "hello" to her. I guess waiting for the Dynasty Divas to exit at the stage poor after the show doesn't count as a real Privacywatch encounter. But... Joan Collins looks great. She stopped to sign autographs for a couple of fans but was in urgent need of "getting in from the freezing cold, darling" and Linda Evans (much more feminine and petite in person - shame about the bad face work) seemed like a really kind, genuine person.

Sunday (1/21) Suzanne Somers was out and about in Malibu. Could not have looked less liked someone who just lost her house and its entire contents to a fire! Wearing a stylish camel coat and big (Olsen-esque) shades - chatting and laughing with some friends. I overheard her say "I will have a house and food again, soon!"

· The love part of my love/hate relationship with Urth Caffe was upped a notch last week when I was told having a baby in a stroller meant I could cut in line. (Because it's super crowded, not b/c they give special preference to helping populate um, Earth.) While waiting to artfully jump ahead of the customer who had been politely waiting in line for 10 minutes or so, I glanced over at the man with a shock of white hair standing next to me at the register. He asked the lady about a take out order for Malcolm McDowell, and when it wasn't ready, Malcolm and I exchanged a few words about my baby. He was very polite and patient as he waited for his to-go lunch, which seemed to take a while. Oh, and this was at the Santa Monica location.

· A few hours later in Beverly Hills as I was walking out of the parking structure on Bedford and Little SM Blvd. that houses CVS, I passed a black SUV stopped at the corner. Out emerged a little lady with a LOT of plastic surgery accompanied by a middle aged preppy man-handler. Joan Collins began to go over aloud the list of what she needed to buy (I caught "lip brush") as this seemingly masked lady went into the store.

· Sunday evening in Venice on Abbot Kinney Blvd. my husband pointed out Nicholas Brendon, who was walking his German shepherd (off leash, I might add). Then I made the point it could be his twin brother. We may never know.

· Saturday 1/20 - The Farmer's Market at 3rd and Fairfax. Ed Helms (former Daily Show correspondent and currently Andy on "The Office") waiting outside the bathroom between Bennett's Ice Cream and Sur La Table. The guy he was waiting for was also a recognizable face (I think he has also been on the Daily Show). He was bald and had glasses, however, after much searching, I still couldn't find or remember his name. I was waiting for my girlfriend and trying not to stare awkwardly at the comedic talent in front of me. I was able to resist the urge to ask him to call me Big Tuna just once or sing a few bars of Rockin' Robin.

· Just when I thought my dry spell of man-candy sightings was never going to end, in walks the hotness that is Bradley Cooper at Equinox in Santa Monica on Sunday.

· Tony Almeida from 24 (Carlos Bernard, says imdb) at the little Starbucks on La Cienega about 9am on Sat morning (1/20). Haven't seen him since he was killed last season in that fiery explosion that also killed his wife Michelle Dessler and set into motion a series of events that nearly destroyed the country. Has he worked since? Guy was basically co-star of one of the top shows on TV and can't find another job now? Would someone please give Tony Almeida a role worthy of his ass-kicking abilities?

· Saw my boyfriend, Demetri Martin twice this week!
First, he was on my flight from JFK to LAX on Tuesday (1/16)...he was very polite to the flight attendants and he and his two companions seemed very mellow (one had to be his sister as they looked EXACTLY alike). Second, was at the Arclight on Saturday night (1/20). Didn't catch which movie he was coming out of but he was with a pretty girl who I was immediately jealous of. I wanted so badly to explain to him that fate was trying to bring us together , but I just don't have the Thatchers (Female Balls, thanks Colbert!). As he turned the corner to go down the stairs we made eye contact and I'm pretty sure he realized that I recognized him. He gave a nice genuine smile and went on his way. Also worth mentioning is his beautiful, shiny, commercial-worthy hair! I wonder what conditioner he uses.

· Former NYPD Blue hottie Henry Simmons sitting in a floor model massage chair and apologizing into a cell phone ("You're right, I'm sorry") at the Hollywood Bed Bath & Beyond, 1/21. Still Beyond hot.

· Sat, 1/20 Formosa Cafe

I think Ben Savage lives there, maybe under one of the red booths. Third weekend in a row that I've seen him wandering around—last weekend, he had an entourage! Also spotted Tony Kanal of No Doubt (have they broken up yet) in the back of the train car—seemed to be part of a larger party for a birthday. With a pretty brunette, who I think was taller than him...but to be honest, that's probably not hard to achieve.

· Great sightings: Sunday 1/21, I saw Natalie Raitano, the short-haired ass kicker from Pammy A's show, VIP. She was going into Bath and Body Works 75% off sale at the Fashion Square Mall in Sherman Oaks. Sad thing is, I was on her myspace page two weeks before. I have no reason why. Then this morning, 1/22, I saw G.E. Smith, guitar player of Hall and Oates and SNL bandleader fame (fame?) at the Burbank Airport. He scowled at me when I look over at him while he was putting his boots back on. He looks like one of those trolls at the top of a pencil. He is really, really Fugly. Two awesome Valley sightings in two days, Fuck Silverlake, I'm moving back to my boyhood home in Tarzana.

In today's episode: Chris Rock; Colin Farrell; Drew Barrymore and Carmen Electra; David Spade; Kevin Federline; Jessica Biel; Kirstie Alley; David Caruso; David Lynch; Anna Paquin; Marg Helgenberger; Adam Brody; Mary Lynn Rajskub; Adam Goldberg and Christina Ricci; Sean Hayes; Casey Affleck; Neal McDonough; Juliette Lewis; Rachel Bilson and David Faustino; Nicky Hilton; Lee Grant; Jon Lands and Michael J. Pollard.

· Last night (Wednesday) doing some last minute errands at the Farmer's Market, I saw Chris Rock suddenly scurrying by the Gumbo Pot, trying hard not to be noticed in a baseball cap. "Huh," I shrugged. Ran to do some other errands and then had to go back to the Grove...where I see Chris Rock again, now with a girlfriend (wife? friend?) walking a little less briskly into the parking garage. Huh. Celebrities go Christmas shopping, too

· I was seeing a play at the Elephant theater on Santa Monica and a little street just East of Vine. There are like five theaters on that one little corner, and as I was leaving the show I was seeing, I saw Colin Farrell outside one of the other theaters....... sooooooooooooooo hot looking in a rough trade kinda way (oh great, now I'll be accused of being his publicist, like when I said Al Pacino looked hot. What can I say? Me like boys.) I'm of Irish descent and have just gotten back from Dublin, but did I say anything? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

· One Whole Foods store, two sightings, five minutes: My pursuit of good health through better eating was rewarded by sighting the adorably down-to-earth Drew Barrymore (no makeup, casual outfit, so low-key I didn't recognize her till I heard her voice) and, five minutes later, Carmen Electra. Drew was with a very friendly looking guy whom I guess was her b.f., and she was being so genuinely sweet and nice to the Whole Foods clerks who were helping her that I decided to return the favor by not asking her if I could send my script to her office. Carmen was dressed in kind of a casual, non-revealing top (appropriate for grocery shopping), shiny orange-blonde hair, not much makeup and a short skirt that showed off her very nice legs. Not that I noticed. She smiled downright demurely when she noticed I recognized her; very cute!

· Tszi tszi fly! Tszi tszi fly! David Spade at hamburger hamlet, yes...THAT hamburger hamlet. (Wednesday Dec 13 1.42pm) standing up and lingering alittle too long by his booth after eating with a more blue collar jack black lookalike (if possible)... Spade must be up to something.

· December 13: Saw K-Fed, holding one of his spawn (visual evidence suggests it was one of the Shar-babies), and posse of large African-American men going into the exit of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. (Is this how celebs get onto rides without having to deal with the hoi polloi?) Federline and his friends were all wearing these hideous hoodies that looked like baby clothing in adult sizes.

· Jessica Biel with 8 others (including I think Lohan's former assistant) having dinner at Wahoo's Fish Taco in Santa Monica. She is beautiful in person, and has amazing boobs. Looked like she was having the tacos from where I sat

· 12/13/06-

Just saw Kirstie Alley in "Paper Goose", stationary store/print shop in Studio City. She was chatting on her cell phone loud enough so that everyone from here to Northridge could hear her business—some crap about blocking an Enquirer story. She was picking up some invitations she had printed and said they were not what she had ordered. The woman told her that she had faxed a proof for her approval but she had not heard anything back so she just went ahead and printed the invites as originally instructed. Kirstie demanded to have them re-done immediately. The woman at the store explained that she was backed up because of Xmas and then Kirstie just said "Fine! I'll just work with them!" and walked out in a huff. I am only saying this because she was mean to the employees but homegirl ain't 145 pounds. Lookin' tubby.

· My friends and I went to the Magritte exhibit at the LACMA on Saturday, 12/9 (it's really great, BTW) and we were admiring "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" when I heard a toddler making a lot of noise. I turned around to give the evil eye to the child's mother when I hear the Horatio Caine voice next to me say "Don't worry, baby, daddy's not goin' anywhere!" Mr. "I quit NYPD Blue after one season" David Caruso was right next to me. He's taller than I expected (6') and his hair is really bright orange. His wife and kid are young and cute. I didn't think it was possible that the character he plays on CSI: Miami is really that over the top, but it turns out that it's the real David in there.

· Don't know if you're interested but David Lynch is back with his cow on the corner of Hollywood and La Brea in support of Laura Dern's performance in Inland Empire. Mr. Lynch was quite friendly. He posed for photos and smoked. The cow looked less friendly and slightly more scared but resigned to its fate (didn't look to see if it was male or female) of playing second fiddle to the surreal maestro.

· 12/12 - Saw a petite ANNA PAQUIN with a few girlfriends at OBar Tuesday night. She is a very pretty girl. She and her friends sat at a back booth in plain sight, but I don't think many people recognized her. It's a fairly well known fact that Tuesday nights are designated at OBar for the ladies to come "out". Now, I'm not one to gossip, but if she's there, then she might be queer.

· Saw Marg Helgenberger (or however you spell her last name) exciting La Partie, the stationary store on Montana. She looked Botoxed but pretty, as you would expect.

· Monday, 12/11. Arclight. 10:50 showing of The Holiday. Spotted Adam Brody (The OC) and an equally attractive male friend in the audience. I'm still confused by this. He's skinny, but adorable (like, "Wow, I wouldn't mind sitting on his face for a while" adorable). He's straight...right? Or was Bilson just his Beard? Why does it seem weird that he'd be at a romantic comedy with another guy?

· Saw the awesome Mary Lynn Rajskub at the Lava Lounge 13th anniversary shindig last night (12/13), enjoying the garage-y musical stylings of the Tulsa Skull Swingers. This brings the number of former Mr. Show cast members I've spotted to four (Bob Odenkirk at the Shell station at Sunset & Wilton a few months ago; Dave "Gruber" Allen at the Steve Allen Theater earlier in the year; and Brian Posehn at the Virgin Megastore last year) — five if you count seeing Paul F. Tompkins perform at Largo. Tom Kenny, you're next!

· this week - christina ricci and adam goldberg at sushi ike. I thought they broke up? they looked very much together at the sushi restaurant. also, they really like tuna sashimi. they got a big plate of both maguro and albacore. didn't see what else they had. and while I think christina sometimes looks kind of odd on film, she's very cute and small in person. and on wed, sean hayes from will & grace at lou. he walked in quietly and sat with a female friend with his back to the restaurant. very understated and not very Jack-like at all.

· Who shops at Nature Mart in Los Feliz? On Wednesday evening it was Casey Affleck. The charming small boy in his basket inspired some cheerful conversation with the 'bulk foods' section employees. I did not inquire as to whether he brought the boy, or acquired him there at the health food store.

· Saw Neal McDonough of War of the World and Walking Tall fame yesterday morning (12/13) on Larchmont pushing around a baby in a stroller. Seemed pretty normal but still gave off just enough of that "I'm an actor" vibe.

· Yesterday in 90068: Juliette Lewis looking at a house for rent in my neighborhood. Oh please, oh please, Juliette, bring your patented brand of crazy to my block. Wear your skin tight catsuit, play that sweaty rock and roll, whatever you want to do, just do it here!

· My first SUBMITTED sighting and it's a twofer. Having brunch in the courtyard of Hookah Lounge on Melrose (Old Luna Cafe. Miss it.) before my hummus hit the table I see someone with what can only be described as NOTICE ME hair coming in thru the back gate... It's the magic man, David Faustino from Married With Children. His hair doubled his height; he came up to my waist. After the meal I was walking out thru the front past the bar, and a cute couple stroll in and I realize it's Rachel Bilson and some guy who should be playing guitar in a late 90's band. I don't think they were meeting with Bud Bundy, but if the buzz around the OC is true, they should probably consider some sort of CW/Warner Brothers spec project. Or temping.

· Saw Nicky Hilton the other night (12/12) at Mastro's in Beverly Hills dining with her new boyfriend David Katzenberg. Pulled up in a black Range Rover and ducked inside. Nicky was brunette that evening, dressed pretty simply in skinny jeans and a black tunic top. I was surprised at how completely normal she looked - no different than the typical trendy LA girl.

· Saturday, Dec 9th (I kow it's late, but it SCARED me)

Entering Ralph's on Beverly at Doheny. Lee Grant. I didn't want to stare but I'm 99% sure it was her. Damn. When I saw "Mulholland Drive" I thought they were so cruel lighting her. They were actually kind.

· Got a lunch-time two-fer today (Dec. 13th) at Nate n' Al's in Beverly Hills. JON LANDIS, of "Animal House" fame (and not much else lately). Dressed in coat, tie and (hmmm) bluejeans. Laughing, chatting amiably; probably thinks no one remembers he caused Vic Morrow's decapitation on the set of the"Twilight Zone" movie. Two tables over, sitting by himself, was "Bonnie and Clyde" co-star MICHAEL J. POLLARD, enjoying some scrambled eggs. The guy weighs less than Nicole Richie ... and was carrying a black and red leather man-purse. Truly odd. But at least he only killed people on-screen.

Over the weekend, a reader sent along this clip from the first sketch of the first-ever epuside of The Chris Rock Show, which unexpectedly reveals the comedian's incredible powers of prophecy in matters involving desperate, cash-strapped double-murderers seeking to exploit their former crimes for financial gain. The money shot comes right at the end of the video, so stick with it for the interminable, attention-span-stretching minute or so it takes to get there.

• Chris Rock Sees The Future [YouTube]

We begin our report about last night's Snakes on a Plane premiere at the Chinese Theatre, held back by New Line until the very last possible minute to prevent critics from having uncharitable opinions about a movie whose pre-release hype became so overwhelming that the mere mention of the title could induce grand mal seizures in anyone in possession of a valid press credential, with a disclaimer: After almost exactly a year of writing about this movie and its unstoppable march across the internets, our weariness of various combinations of the words "motherfucking," "snakes," and "plane" may have lowered our expectations to an absurdly low point. All we wanted from the 'Lil Airborne Reptilian Infestation Movie That Could was for at least one guy to have his genitals fanged-up while in the process of bodily waste elimination, and God bless their pandering little hearts, they delivered the mandatory junk-chomping scene with cynical aplomb. Once that lone condition was satisfied, we were more than happy to laugh at lines of dialogue both intentionally and accidentally hilarious, hurl ourselves forward in our seat with delight when the areola on a bare, surgically enhanced breast became a targeting mechanism for a mamba strike, and generally stop giving a shit about how someone might smuggle several hundred angry predators aboard a red-eye even with the aid of the most corrupt of airport security regimes. Motherfucking snakes were on the motherfucking plane (see how easy it is to fall back into it?), they were biting everything in sight, and that was enough for us, as we are constitutionally incapable of not enjoying a well-executed fake-titty attack. Call us easy to please or New Line Kool-Aid chuggers, but we can't see any reason why anyone who would be interested in the film based on the title alone shouldn't get a little drunk and watch Samuel L. Jackson shout expletives while he carries out his snake-elimination duties. That's all we can muster by way of a review.

Part The Second: After-Parties On A Rooftop [after the jump]

The after-party, as you might expect, was done up in an airport theme. Upon reaching the roof of the ArcLight parking structure where it was held, guests marched through a metal-detector and X-ray machine gauntlet just as unattended as the ones in the world of the film must have been, making it easy for one of the party's "passengers" to sneak in any Samsonite set jammed full of death-adders, shampoo-bomb, or low-grade nuclear device intended to reduce the world's population of free booze drinkers by three hundred or so. Servers of both sexes dressed in retro flight attendant gear either pushed around airline-style carts full of candy or gyrated atop platforms as go-go dancers. Boxed meals, possibly purloined from a poorly secured supply shed at LAX, were served. The aforementioned free booze, as it must, flowed. And in perhaps the event's most eerily airport-accurate touch, t-shirts upon which various SoaP-themed decals were ironed-to-order were handed out from behind replica ticket counters, causing interminably long waits and feelings of "we're all gonna die before we ever get to the front of this line" dread perfectly simulating those encountered by anyone who has ever needed a boarding pass printed by a human being. The New Line party planners were nothing if not psychotically dedicated to air-travel verisimilitude.

Among the celebrities we managed to see during the few moments we weren't standing on line were star Kenan Thompson (accompanied by a very hot, very gaudily bosomed date in a porn-appropriate evening gown), biggest-deal-within-two-square-miles Chris Rock, Kelly Osbourne, cast members Bobby Cannavale and Lin Shaye, various cast members whose names we can't recall without cheating on IMDb, and two guys from The Office (the one that Steve Carrell is secretly gay for and the one that Pam shouldn't be marrying). Rumors of Samuel L. Jackson's presence at the event were rampant, but we didn't personally lay eyes on him. We imagine he was quite busy politely pretending that each variation on his "motherfucking snakes" line was the first he'd heard. He seems like that kind of guy.

As we were headed to our car, we stumbled upon a clearly confused Rock and his date in the act of pretending they knew where they'd parked. After several seconds of spinning around and craning their necks in a search for the vehicle they'd left on a lower level, they passed us on the way down the stairs, and a Legitimate Journalist friend of ours asked Rock what he'd thought of the movie. "It was incredible," he said, noticing the reporter's pad and not breaking stride, "better than The Godfather." Because we must bring this full-circle: Dude, Snakes on a Motherfucking Mobster.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Seemingly Endless 'Snakes on a Plane' Coverage [Defamer]

In today's episode: Chris Rock and Anthony Kiedis; Jake Gyllenhaal; Bobby Brown; Billy Bob Thornton; Kevin Dillon; Jason Schwartzman; David Spade and Heather Locklear; Seal; Cary Elwes; Terry Bradshaw; Maya Rudolph; Andre 3000; Justin Long; Dita von Teese, Marilyn Manson, Bobby Trendy and Jenna Jameson; William Mapother and Melissa Joan Hart.

· Last night (8/9) at Giorgio Baldi saw Chris Rock and Anthony Kiedis having dinner with a couple of old white guys. The old white guys seemed more interested in talking to Rock and he humored them but Kiedis seemed ready to bolt.

· Sat 8-5 Barney's men's department. Jake Gyllenhaal inquiring about the contents of a sunglasses case, with a tall, hot brunette chick, shoulder length hair. He then thanked the salesperson and walked away without making a purchase. It was electrifying.

· 24 Hours: 8-9 -After taking the girlfriend miniature golfing in the 818, we decided to keep our little Valley excursion going with a little Casa Vega. While waiting for the valet to bring our car a Mercedes pulls up and parks smack in the middle of the alley instead of the parking lot. Bobby Brown exits the passenger side and yells, "woman you got to park in the lot!" Her response, "I don't give a fuck!" She wasn't Whitney Houston.

-Billy Bob Thornton at Whole Foods in Beverly Hills. Damn cool.

-After realizing there was no toilet paper in the house, and a guest in from out of town, a Miracle Mile Ralphs run was in order. While there, I came across Matt Dillon's brother (Kevin Dillon).

· 8/11 Last night at Century City, Jason Schwartzman politely waiting his turn in the long parking validation line that formed after the 39th Borat screening this week. I think Borat was the only movie that ended downstairs at 9:15ish so he was probably watching that. He's really short, but looked much cuter than he does on film. Wandered around for a bit by himself, then met up with a couple in the lobby, made a call and talked on his cell the rest of the time.

· At the Dan Band Saturday night 8-5 at the Avalon saw David Spade and some friends. They were sitting at a table near is and I couldn't help but hope Heather Locklear was with him. Turns out she was and boy was she in full effect. The twosome who appeared drunk on arrival did three tequila shots before the show started. Heather was bombed about 1/4 into the show. She kept taking Dave's trucker hat and putting it on her head then she would put her arms around his neck and fawn all over him. At one point she attempted to sing along but it was more like mouthing jibberish and flailing her arms in the air. I must say even for struggling to keep her eyes open and almost falling out of her chair she still looks good. They left about 3/4 through the show and Heather forgot her Chanel bag. Only Amanda Woodward can pull off sloppy drunk.

· Saw Seal at the Beverly Center.. that is one strong looking man!

· In the elevator of my non-descript office building on Wilshire Blvd., eastern Santa Monica. First Cary Elwes held the door for me (thanks, Westley! Very courtly), and then I stepped on his foot getting into the elevator! (whoops...sorry Westley!) He gets on the elevator with a very strange looking chiropractor in crocodile boots and chatted on the way up about his upcoming appointment (for a "massage" hmmmmm...) Here's where it gets even more weird! The chiropractor asks if his teenage daughter can come and watch Cary on the set of his movie. Cary demurs, saying that the last day of shooting is on the 24th, and it's going to be "heavy." I have to get out because it's my floor (damn!) and immediately get to my office and IMDB his current project. Guess what the project is? GEORGIA RULES with La Lohan, where Cary plays her child-molesting step father! Wonder if he would have any tales of her bad behavior on the set? If only my office was on the 9th floor...By the way, he looked kind of schlubby with floppy hair and glasses. Voice still rocks, though.

· Saw Terry Bradshaw on Tuesday night at Trilussa. I love the balding mullet.

· maya rudolph with baby and other family members (no PTA though) at brent's deli in northridge for lunch.

· Saw Andre 3000 on red eye flight from JFK to LAX last night. He was wearing a straw hat (very Outkast-like) in his first-class seat. He took a short nap when we first took off and was up the rest of the flight working on a laptop. He might be a workaholic.

· 8/7 Monday night Karaoke at Liquid Kitty, straight from his appearance on Leno, Justin Long of Waiting, Accepted, and most notoriously of course, those Mac commercials, at the bar with a small entourage. Kindly refrained from subjecting the patrons to any embarrassing renditions of Dont Stop Believing.

· BH Taschen store, 8.10.06.

I went to the book launch of Dita von Teese's new book. Saw her hubby, Marilyn Manson, in full makeup but looking quite OC skateboarder, chatting up the peeps. Dita was super cute and looking flawless. It was a pretty sedate affair until the true freakishness began. I saw Z-lister, Bobby Trendy, scurrying around and blathering away about nothing with some of the gays there. I then noticed a very petite blonde woman with huge bazongas being asked for her picture. She looked porn starish and then it was confirmed that it was the (alleged) newly single Jenna Jameson. She's pretty, not whorish looking, but you can tell she's a porn star. Seriously, she's a very small woman and she was wearing some tall heels, too.

· Saturday night, August 5, spotted Tom Cruise's cousin William Mapother (Ethan Rom from "Lost") with a woman I assume is his wife at Fat Fish in West Hollywood. I wanted to ask him if he had seen Suri yet, but Scientologists scare me.

· Dear Sir or Madam- I currently attend UCLA, and am taking a summer class in the evenings. Last Thursday, while sitting in the LuValle Commons outside, I noticed a rather plain looking blonde girl and a man sitting together and chatting. She looked vaguely familiar, and I rudely stared at her for several minutes, listening to her discuss plans for how to get her career going (again) and using her cell phone and PDA simultaneously to schedule upcoming meetings. After a few more minutes of rude gawking, I realized that I was staring at Melissa Joan Hart, of Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch!! I know that she's not quite the big celebrity (no Keanu!), but it was definitely exciting for me and my friends, all of whom watched Clarissa explain it for many years. She looked very normal, with no make up and lots of freckles, sporting a huge diamond ring and some Target brand clothing. I went up and introduced myself, and she was very nice, if a bit annoyed.

In this week's episode: Adam Sandler and Chris Rock; Danny Masterson, Chris Masterson, Laura Prepon and Wilmer Valderrama; Paris Hilton, Amanda Demme, Kirsten Dunst; Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Minnie Driver, Miuccia Prada, Annie Lennox, Ashley Olsen and Justic Chambers; Kate Bosworth; Kim Basinger; Lindsay Lohan; Tyra Banks and Brittany Murphy; Jerry Bruckheimer; Kiefer Sutherland; Heidi Klum; Chad Lowe; Heather Locklear, David Spade, Sara Gilbert and The Go-Go's; Lenny Kravitz; Adrien Brody; Scott Speedman; "Weird Al" Yankovic and Adrian Grenier; Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman; Joel Madden and Hillary Duff; Adam Goldber and Christina Ricci; Sandra Oh; Ashley Olsen; Luke Perry; Lea Thompson; Ernie Hudson; Tristan Lake Lebaeau; Faye Dunaway; Allison Janney; Morgan Spurlock; Gary Busey; Josh Groban; Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl; Santino Rice; Jared Fogel; Wayne Rogers and Justin Guarini.

· Sunday Night 7/16: Guys on Beverly- Danny Masterson, Chris Masterson, Laura Prepon (friendly and HOT), Wilmer Valderrama (looking very short & scruffy)..and probably a lot of other people I was too drunk to notice. I'm pretty sure Wilmer left alone in his super nice black Bentley- I can't imagine people just losing things to him. Ick.

On a bathroom trip next door to Jerry's Deli saw Chris Rock & Adam Sandler eating. I'm not one to bother people usually but I talked to Adam Sandler (made a fool of myself) and he was nice about it.

Monday Night 7/16:
Nothing notable at the Roosevelt followed by what I thought would be a dud evening at Hyde. My friend told me to come to the bathroom with her and I almost resisted- when I walked in there she was.. Paris Hilton. I think she's much hotter in person- strikingly so.. wow. I was surprised Paris wasn't super thin- she's skinny but in a normal way. She was with a brunette of similiar height/body- but I didn't recognize her. Amanda Demme was there and didn't seem as cold as my previous impressions of her. Kirsten Dunst walked past me and I didn't even notice- my friend had to point her out. On the way out one of the Olsen Twins was looking very emaciated & bag ladylike- grinding with one of the pillars as if it was a poll. I felt like I was watching Jon Benet (minus the makeup/hair) during the talent portion of a pageant- it just felt wrong! On the way home stopped at the Dime before last call- nothing was going on there- I guess some people do work at 8am like me =(

· Had dinner at the Chateau Saturday 7-15, an off-night but even an off-night at the Chateau provides something to look at. As soon as we walked in, we saw a sign for some charity event hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi and Minnie Driver. Seconds later we spotted all three in the lobby, one after the other. My friend pointed out Annie Lennox, but I couldn't see her from where I was sitting.

At dinner, saw Ashley Olsen in bizarre flapper headband skulk into the dining area with friends. My friend noticed Miuccia Prada eating a few tables away—hearty Italian stock. After we retired to the lobby lounge after dinner, a very tan and dimpled Justin Chambers from Grey's Anatomy shared some words with the dashing, friendly Maitre D', Alain, then hopped on the grand piano and began tickling the ivories...not long enough to really wow us but enough to show he could play. The highlight, however, involved no one famous, just the two schlubs sitting next to us crying into their scotches about the fact that some hot chick wouldn't invite them up to her friend's bungalow party. Burn!

· Was sitting at the Chateau Marmont for dinner last night (7/13) and noticed an odd young girl with a hippie headband and some clownish makeup. Kind of looked like a teenage kid attempting to be a cross between Susan Sarandon in "Joe" and Phyllis Diller. My dinner companion pointed out that the hippie headband girl was, in fact, Ashley Olsen. Weird, *weird,* WEIRD.

· Last night (7/19) at Ita Cho saw Adam Goldberg and on-again galpal Christina Ricci. I think it was the first time since Dazed and Confused that I've seen him without stubble. A little while later, in walked Kate Bosworth with a girlfriend. Wow, Kate is really skinny.

· 7/16ish — Montana After enduring over an hour and a half of traffic to pick me up for lunch in Santa Monica, waiting 20 minutes for the staff at Mani's to notice us and clear our outdoor table didn't make my friend any less pissy. Just as we settled into conversation, he dryly remarked, "That ass-hole just hit my car." Across Main Street this black Range Rover attempted to parallel park in a huge spot, but somehow needed to bump my friend's silver Audi station wagon three times in the process. The impacts weren''t hard enough that he felt like saying something, but it clearly, understandably annoyed him. "He just did it again. My god, you could fit a boat in that spot." I suggested that the driver might be drunk, given the bizarre repetitiveness of clearly ineffectual maneuvering strategies. It would have been so easy to use the six feet of clearance to just back the frick up. We assumed the driver was a man, until a slight blond stepped out. I thought she might be going to place a note on the wind shield, but she instead tentatively stumbled towards an office door with a piece of paper, and seemed to have a hard time buzzing in. "She seriously seems drunk," I offered, pitying her. Soon, we noticed a tiny swarm of paparazzi clicking in that direction; one muttered something about plastic surgery. We lost interest, but on the way back to the car I asked a lingering paparazzo who he was stalking. " Kim Basinger," I finally understood through his thick, nondescript accent. I'm sure I could work in parking as a metaphor for a custody battle, or a volatile and dead-end marriage, but it's Friday.

· Lindsay Lohan rushing into kitchen entrance of Tra di Noi on Sunday afternoon (7/16), new boyfriend Harry Morton trailing dutifully behind her, and a few photogs snapping at her heels. She looked and sounded like she'd just rolled out of bed. She bumped into me as I was waiting for my food, but didn't seem to notice. Girl is tiiiiiny and her hair is orange. She left the restaurant with a female friend after ordering food and headed into Planet Blue. Not sure who the friend was, on account of her enormous sunglasses. After a few minutes, they tossed a shopping bag into a huge black SUV, hugged/squealed over what they got, and ran back into Tra di Noi. She wasn't carrying anything except her cigarette, so I'm not sure how she actually paid for anything. On the way back to the restaurant she yelled at the paparazzi not to photograph her 'cause she'd pose for them when she left, but they didn't really listen. The entire courtyard was silent and still while all this transpired. It was surreal. She left about 10 minutes later, presumably with her food, friend, and boyfriend in tow, but I missed it. Everyone in the parking lot was comparing stories and asking questions about what they'd missed.

· Tyra Banks and Brittany Murphy 7/16 at the Chateau Marmont. There was a suspicious amount of high-fiving going on between them.

· Went to the Pirates of the Caribbean extravaganza at the El Capitan Friday night, and who was there catching the show but The Bruckaneer himself, Jerry Bruckheimer. He looked thoroughly displeased about something, most likely the stale VIP popcorn. I considered asking him for $10 to cover the pain of sitting through "National Treasure", but he seemed angry enough already.

· Friday night July 7, Kiefer Sutherland was checking into the United International Terminal @ LAX ... he appeared to be traveling solo, looking very clean-cut and carrying a large man purse. A family of four approached him and he gladly posed for camera phone pictures.

· Sunday 7/16, Bristol Farms in the BH — a pregnant Heidi Klum. She looked great without a stitch of makeup on. However, she had on these hideous ruby-slipper-like 4" heels...expect they were in bright blue sequins. I felt like such a queen because the shoes were the only thing I noticed for a good 30 seconds...then I worked my way up to see it was Heidi...I love her show.

· Every Tuesday some coworkers and I make a trip to the Baja Fresh on Los Feliz Blvd in Atwater Village. At noon on Tuesdays the crowd is mostly firemen and soccer moms, so when we saw a group of un-uniformed men at the same table, it caught our interest. The man getting the most attention at the table was wearing a ball cap and shades - inside - and was Hillary Swank's soon-to-be-ex, Chad Lowe. One of the men at his table kept his eyes on the crowd at all times. I guess now that Chad doesn't have his wife around all the time, he has to pay for protection.

· July 14, 2006-
This is probably about the millionth sighting you've had about Heather Locklear and David Spade at the Go-Gos concert at the Greek last Friday, but here's one more:
I was seated two rows behind them in SECTION A....
Heather looked amazing in a little white tank top with a VERY snug,low-slung, gauzy, peach skirt—-she is TINY. And so gorgeous. She occasionally wore a straw cowboy hat, presumably to avoid immediate detection...but took it off about midway through the show. David was dressed very casually, with a baseball hat pulled down tight (also to avoid detection, I guess). Even in her hat, she was unmissable. Had David not been with her, he could have gone completely unnoticed.
She was very sweet to fans who recognized her——as the two of them meandered up and down and around the left side of SECTION A and its environs, seaching for the loo, (she on David's arm)....about every ten feet, someone would shriek "Heather!!". She waved and smiled and blew kisses. She even posed for photos with a fan who patiently waited for her to exit the ladies room, smiling and hugging him warmly. She could not have been nicer.
Too bad the same could not have been said of Belinda Carlisle, who pulled a backstage diva routine at the private aftershow party, and fled in a huff back to her dressing room after less than 5 minutes when she was approached for photos and autographs by several of the many assembled on the Zeus Deck. Drummer Gina Schock and guitarist Charlotte Caffey worked the crowd pleasantly, though, and were quite gracious. Jane Wiedlin had left early to get set up for a post-show soiree at her place.
Also seen:
Sara Gilbert (who played Darlene on the sitcom "Roseanne").

· Today at lunch in Oliver's of Beverly Hills, I noticed a few wannabe stars before catching the real thing. David Spade, long haired and t-shirted, sat in a booth on his own playing with a Sidekick and counting cash for about ten or fifteen minutes before leaving. Alone. He did manage to flirt with one of the blonde waitresses when he sat down, but otherwise his lephrechaun-like charm wasn't getting anyone hot. If there was a reason for him being there or purchases were made, it was entirely out of my line of sight.

· This week is ending on a high note. Spotted a delicious, but much shorter than I thought, gold-aviator sporting Lenny Kravitz dining al fresco at The Rose Cafe in Venice with friends and their spanking fresh, and really cute, baby. While not actively seeking attention, he was however positioned at a key table in the corner facing the door. Still, he's very, very yummy.

· Saw Adrien Brody at the Whole Foods on Fairfax & Santa Monica in WeHo, Saturday 7/15 at about 8 pm. Unassuming near the sushi case, if you don't count the fact that his handler was carrying his shopping basket for him. Wouldn't have notice it was him but for the goofy hat and HUGE nose... Seriously, that thing is larger than life.

· Scott Speedman, for the zillionth time, reading a script at Chango on Echo Park. Seemingly oblivious to the irritated glances of those who moved to just such a neighborhood to avoid just such a scenario — like, dude, could you at least be working on a fashion line/art collective/modern architecture photoblog? Noel would never play us like that.

· It's been a couple of weeks - but sighting so "Club Hollywood" worth the late submission.. Spotted "Weird Al" Yankovic having breakfast with a non-LA looking, salt-n-pepper-haired-yet-hot-chic at Urth Cafe. He's better looking in person than you would think, and younger than i thought he would be, too. Then, Aquaman himself, Adrian Grenier, came in and grabbed some coffee and split - only to return within minutes with a CD, which he bee-lined over to Yankovic. He is a total babe, tall and lean, and must be pretty funny too because whatever he said totally cracked up Yankovic and his guest. Then, Grenier and his baby blues was gone again. Al studied the liner notes and seemed pleased to find out the CD was actually of Greiner's band, and not some crap he picked up next door at the Bodhi Tree.

· Saw Adrian Grenier at M Cafe de Chaya on 7/11. I almost didn't think it was him because he was so skinny — his hair looked like a huge umbrella on top of his head. He pulled up in silver Prius and grabbed some take-out. But he must have been hungry because he was eating in his car for a couple of minutes before pulling out of the parking lot.

· Dimples in Burbank, Friday night around midnight. We were getting tired of the karaoke emcee's gay porn jokes, about to leave when Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman came in with a small group. They both got up on the little stage and wore prop hats, but then Jimmy stepped down and only Sarah sang. She sang Dixie Chicks' "Earl".

· (July 16th, around 4:00 p.m.)
Was stuck behind Joel Madden and Hillary Duff on the Beverly Center escalator. Joel was chatting with his tattoo'ed friends with unnatractively tight pants and Hillary was behind him on her cell phone. He kept glancing back at her and did not look amused. She was carrying pretty modest sized shopping bags. They went into CPK.

· Sunday, 7/16:

Saw Sandra Oh at Arclight, standing in the lobby around 2:30pm or so. She was with two guys, pretty nondescript. I just recall her being very normal, except that her face was pretty recognizable. If she had any makeup on, I didn't see it—and she was dressed like your average girl trying to stay cool—cute green halter top type thing. I think she had a hat on. Like I said, I don't remember much other than her face. She was smiling, seemed to be joking with the guys. I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's not actually as frighteningly skinny as I figured her to be. Don't get me wrong, she's still super thin, though.

· Jenny McCarthy at M de Chaya cafe on Melrose yesterday. She looks so normal-sized on the screen, but in real life she's miniature.

· Leaving Canter's Deli Saturday night around 1 am, we saw someone in a baseball cap pop out of the Kibbitz Room for a smoke. Looked up for a second and realized it was Luke Perry, all by himself. As the cliche goes, he's much smaller (shorter and skinnier) than expected, but he looks pretty good for someone who's supposed to be 50 years old or whatever. He was in his 30s when he did 90210, wasn't he?

· Attack of the D-listers and skanky stage moms. D-listers first: Lea Thompson, who was shooting a lifetime-ish movie at the Autry Museum. And then Ernie Hudson at Palermo in Los Feliz (my first Ghosbuster sighting!). Hey, let's not forget, he was in "Miss Congeniality" AND "The Crow." Awesome.

Skanky stage mom story: was out for a co-worker's birthday at Edendale. One of the friends had kids, and they were along (yes, I know people who bring their children to bars. That's okay, right?).
Anyway, the kid had on a Superman t-shirt, and was running around the back patio. A woman comes up to us with HER kid, also in a Superman t-shirt, and introduce him to us as her son, Tristan Lake Lebaeau, who played Lois Lane's kid in the movie. How desperate and sad, we thought, that she makes her kid actually wear the shirt from the movie he was in, and introduces him to strangers in bars? Plus, she was a complete skank - 40s years old and dressing like she was 18, clearly had work done, the whole nine yards. Viciously shudder-worthy.

· Last week I observed a bizarre tantrum involving Faye Dunaway at the local Rite Aid on Sunset & Fairfax. I had picked up my girlfriend at Cedars in the late afternoon, after a difficult invasive day procedure that morning, she asked that we stop on the way home to pick up her prescriptions. Thinking it was going to be a quick in & out, I ran in as she remained in the car.

When I arrived at the Pharmacy area there was one person ahead of me and she seemed to be having an intense conversation with the cashier. The frumpy, middle-aged woman was dressed in beige baggy pants, loose fitting top, baseball hat and reading glasses. Her blonde/gray hair was long and completely unkempt as if she had just rolled out of bed. The conversation quickly escalated in volume and now involved the actual pharmacist. The irate woman was insisting on a 'brand medication' and not generic! The pharmacist remained calm and said "I'm sorry Miss Dunaway but your doctor only prescribed the brand name". Now recognizing the actress, I was intrigued by her almost surreal temper tantrum over the next 20 minutes.

As my girlfriend still waited in the car, I observed Ms. Dunaway, in a playground voice, insisting that her doctor be called immediately! The pharmacist explained that it was now after office hours and would be difficult to reach the doctor. This response sent the actress over the edge as she screamed, "you just hit '0' when his machine picks up and if that doesn't work then just page him!!" I began to wonder what prescription it was that so urgently needed to be brand? Perhaps a tranquilizer or mood stabilizer. Oblivious to anyone else waiting, Ms. Dunaway began pacing back and forth in front of the counter ranting about the inefficiencies of her doctor, the pharmacy and others (inaudible). At this point it seemed more like a performance than a request for a pharmaceutical upgrade.

Finally, her doctor responded to the page and Faye got her way and her pills. The tirade ended with her stalking off and muttering incoherently. As I stepped up to the counter, the cashier and pharmacist made eye contact with me and shook there heads as if to say, " sorry, she's always that way'.
After picking up the medication and returning to the car, my exhausted and uncomfortable girlfriend asked what had taken so long. I looked at her and said "Mommie Dearest was having a bad day!"

As we had breakfast this morning, my now recovered girlfriend said the worst part of her post surgery was 'that wait in the car'. She then suggested I write Defamer and share the observation.

· Saw shock doc jock Morgan Spurlock (or someone with a handlebar moustache looking exactly like him) at Rambutan Thai in Silverlake. Hardly A-list, but good to see him eating real food. Oddly enough, I have his FX show coming to me today from Netflix.

· LAX, Terminal 1, Wednesday, July 12: I was waiting for my friend's flight to arrive Wednesday night when I saw Allison Janney wandering around with a much younger male companion (some actor guy; I've seen him in commercials and TV shows but wouldn't know who he is) looking for their gate. She is quite tall and thin, and she wore a big white hat and a casual outfit. She had a US Airways boarding pass in hand and was rolling her own carry-on. The guy went off for a bit, then came back to (I guess) direct her to their proper gate.

· I saw Gary Busey across the street from the Cher convention at the Marriot in Woodland Hills. He was pumping his own gas (Porsche) at that gas station on Topanga right by the freeway entrance. He was wearing a big white swag t-shirt, flip flops and looked a bit overheated and puffy. Please note that proximity to Cher convention is not a sighting AT the Cher convention, but just suspect enough to mention.

· Tonight, Sunday, July 16, my husband and I had dinner on the outdoor terrace of Asia de Cuba three tables away from a very handsome Josh Groban!
Josh looked relaxed and smiley—obviously enjoying the sunset view and having a great time.

· I was hanging at the Disneyland Resort yesterday, waiting in line for California Screamin', when my little sis looks over at the single rider line and spots Lance Bass. Standing next to him was Reichen Lehmkuhl, of course....but there were no females anywhere in sight! We tried not look too obvious after our ride was over, and we tried to grab a photo of the two after they got off the ride. However, they disappeared pretty quickly. We did see their ride photo-Lance was covering his face with his hat, and Reichen was full smiling into the camera. How cute....? Anyways, we spotted them a few more times in Disneyland, walking out of the Disneyana store (are they collectors??), and then walking into Space Mountain through the exit—I guess even C rate celebs get some special treatment! :P Neither one looked upset, nor did they really seem to be having a good time either...I guess someone was trying to smooth things over at the happiest place on earth!

· This is a little late as it happened last Wednesday...in a series of strange coincidences, Santino Rice came to my house the night of the Project: Runway premiere, and he and I watched that together, Just the Two of Us, like Grover Washington, Jr. and Bill Withers. It was the later showing, and actually we watched "Road to the Runway" first. He hadn't seen it yet and laughed at himself whenever he came on the TV. He also took pictures of himself on my TV with his cell. I The reason he was in my house at all was to shuttle my roommate's drunken ass (they met at a Starbucks a while back) around, which was very nice of him. He left his car running with the flashers on for the entire hour he waited for my roommate to barf and eat a tortilla before going out again. But he's an odd guy. I found him have just enough pomp to make you feel like you met somebody famous, yet enough humility to let you know he knows he's from reality TV. I agreed with him that he was robbed in Season 2, even though I never saw it. He's really tall. To sum up: yep people, that's right. Yours truly and yours truly alone watched Project: Runway's premiere with Santino. Don't hate me for being more special than anyone else, it's just the way it is.

· Jared Fogel: El Chollo restaurant at Wilshire and 11th... he came in with his disproportionately hot girlfriend/wife(?) and stepped up to the bar to start a tab. Now this is not someone you expect to spot in real life... (and didn't you sort of assume he lived in like Missouri or something? I sure did.) so I wasn't totally sure it was him (after all, he looked a little heavier than he was in his last Subway ad), but lo and behold the bartender asks him "What's the last name on the tab?" and he shouts, over the din of the crowd, "FOGEL". Let's hope he ate fresh.

· OK, well maybe not like spotting Blohan or Demi and Ashton but more like having a nice cup of coffee at Starbucks and not being hit on by a fledgling screentypist which is as close to Heaven as it gets I guess.

At LA Farm (steamed halibut is divine) was in between both Wayne Rogers, former randy Trapper John in MASH and now Sunday AM financial genius, and DavidfuckingMilch. Rogers was quite and polite wore the obiligatory pressed khakis and golf shirt. Milch was surrounded by other t-shirt clad older male producer-types and what I believe to be his t-shirt clad Yale summer interns. Note to females at table: looking like women is not a bad thing. Milch can get away with the rumply jeans and free t-shirts cuz he's rich and talented. You, not so much.

· One of the first American Idols, Justin Guarini and a male friend( no, his friend was too much of an asshole to be gay). They were drinking and cavorting between the two discreet celeb watering holes, La Poubelle and Birds on Franklin Ave, Thursday night, July 20th around 11:00PM. Justin settled at the less pretentious Birds, planting himself at one of the sidewalk tables. He was genteel, polite and engaged in vigorous conversation with those who sauntered over to his table. At 1:30AM his asshole friend jumped into a waiting convertible Corvette with a well-endowed but thoroughly weathered harlot. Justin waved and proceeded to walk home alone.
It was sight that would have made Paula Abul and David Hasselhoff tear up.

In this week's episode: Brad Pitt; Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong and Don Rickles; Lindsay Lohan; Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi; Ed Burns; Matt Dillon; Charlize Theron; Paula Abdul; Chris Rock; Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; Nicole Richie; Kate Beckinsale; Anna Paquin; Adrien Grenier; Jesse Metcalfe; Jason Patric; Michael Vartan; Morgan Spurlock; Gary Marshall; Elizabeth Berkley; John Cho; Bai Ling; Jacklyn Smith; Joseph Fiennes; Hank Azaria; Gary Busey; Edward Furlong; Travis Barker; Michael Rosenbaum; Henry Rollins; Shawn Pyfrom and Bill Nye.

· Brad Pitt eating dinner with an older manager type on the patio at Malo in Silverlake. Smoking, drinking a margarita and chowing on some tacos. He seemed cool, unlike the very unhip hipsters who were gathered on the smoking patio not smoking and oogling him. I love the habanero salsa but thats a long drive from Malibu just for some tacos.

· Yo! Thursday night, July 6th at Nobu Malibu (yeah, that's how I roll) a very scruffy Matthew McConaughey made the scene with none other than 7 time Tour De France champion Lance Armstrong. And the two Texans seemed to get a real kick out of the original hockey puck himself, Don Rickles, who stopped by their table to chat on his way out the door.

· While heading to the Hollywood Bowl Thursday evening, we hit a little traffic snag on Sunset just before Doheny. As various lane changes took place (will we never learn that makes NO difference?!), my husband managed to cut off a black, top of the line Mercedes convertible. The car promptly honked and flashed the bird, and as I turned around to take all of this in, I noticed the driver was none other than Lindsay Lohan. Smoking a ciggy, red nail polish, ridiculously large designer sunglasses and of course the signature "firecrotch" red hair. Some petite brunette was in the passenger side. Once she maneuvered around us, she proceeded to punch it, weaving in and out of traffic before taking a right on Doheny. You go, hot stuff! I guess you can afford to buy cars as fast as you can wreck 'em...

· dateline chateau marmont..

sunday 7.9
ellen degeneres and incredibly hot portia de rossi...so naturally gorgeous...having lunch...
an unbelievably fantastic looking ed burns having cocktails with friends...

monday 7.10
matt dillon checking in, he has an amazing voice, not too shabby on the eyes either...

tuesday 7.11
charlize theron in all her amazon goddess-ness (is that even a word?)
paula abdul crying (literally...into her cell-phone) on the stairs...

· 7/9 - First day back from being gone for a week and already spot someone... Chris Rock picking up a newspaper and eating lunch solo at the Century City mall food court.

· I was driving from Studio City to Hollywood on Cahuenga Thursday evening. I was at that part of Cahuenga where it turns into a complete clusterfuck if there is any kind of event going on at the Hollywood Bowl. So, I was sitting in traffic cursing the Belle & Sebastian concert when my boyfriend noticed Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston in the car next to us. I thought for sure we would be in for some drug addled fun while trying to negotiate the traffic, but Mr. Brown flipped a bitch and sped out of there before I really got a good look. But, Whitney didn't look worse for the wear as tabloids might suggest, just thin as a rail.

· Nicole Richie outside of Gucci on Rodeo with a blond friend (didn't get a close enough look to see if it was droopy-faced Rachel Zoe). They were being yelled at by a cute-ish guy with a bull horn in a funky old red truck . He was yelling his cell number out his window to her as he made a left onto Wilshire. She was smiling very excitedly and entered the number into her phone. She looked cute, but her teeth were blindingly white and despite wearing uber-trendy tapered skinny jeans, she was swimming in them.

· Saturday, July 8 - Leaving Acadie in Santa Monica for birthday crepe dinner when I saw a dark haired woman with bug sunglasses hurrying after small child. I had an instinctive moment where I knew I recognized the woman, but thought it was Posh Spice and that she was going to eat me. Imagine my joy, then, when I heard the voice of Kate Beckinsale telling her daughter to stop running because she might 'run into a bush'. I personally thought the twenty people on the sidewalk were a much likelier target for the young Beck's enthusiasm, but apparently Kate was unaware of us little people as she chased after the girl and smacked at her bottom, and had the youngster smack up at her bottom. Incidentally she was wearing bizarrely peach designer jeans (couldn't tell the label) and looked healthy - the recent skeletor shot was either a bad angle or photo shopped. However, I am still in dire fear of being ritually eaten by someone in bug-eye sunglasses.

· Wednesday July 5 - Stopped by WeHo Whole Foods, where I have never seen a celeb despite its chic reputation, and walked by the health & beauty aisle where a girl who looked like Anna Paquin was shopping. After getting my frozens I circled back for a second view and discovered, lo and behold, Anna Paquin! White wife beater over black bra, a usually trashy look which Anna managed to pull off with innocence and class. And her khaki shorts were filled out by actual flesh, no anorexia alerts for Ms. Paquin. She had no makeup on but looked cute and fresh, which I discovered after semi-stalking her in the deli section and then onto the dairy aisle, where I had to ask her to move and she politely obliged. It almost made me want to sit through Fly Away Home while not on a bus ride to NorCal.

· I almost collided with Adrien Grenier at the Nature Mart on Hillhurst this past Saturday afternoon (7/8). Since peeps are always mentioning their various physical impressions of him in person, I gotta say he's a lot skinnier than I expected. He was carrying a box of health food and drove off in his Prius because he cares about saving the world, according to In Style mag.

· Beverly Hill's desperate attempt to bombard me with celebrity sightings before I finally leave my crappy job here continues. This time we were walking down Camden and spotted Jesse Metcalfe skulking in a doorway while talking on his cel. The would-be John Tucker was very much alive in black T, jeans, and surprisingly hetero eyebrows. No idea why he was there or where he was heading; plenty of restaurants for him to discuss his amazing career potential with bored industry types mumbling 'of course the gardener was just the beginning.'

· Saw Jason Patric watching the World Cup final yesterday at O'Briens on Wilshire in Santa Monica. This, in and of itself, is no surprise. Mr. Patric's career as a trivia league enforcer began at O'Briens, so it's reasonable to assume he's a local. What was interesting, however, was his choice of viewing companion. Javier Bardem actually arrived before Patric, looking far more side-burned and Andre-The-Giant-ish than one might expect. Italy scored their first half-equalizer just as he walked in, and Bardem's subsequent celebration can only be described as "girlish." He bounced up and down on his toes while thrusting both fists into the air like he was in an old toyota commercial. Doubly strange, really, because once he found Patric and the two repaired to a booth, he became subdued and didn't even celebrate his team's eventual victory. Patric looked sort of handsome and smug the whole time.

· last nite (7/12) saw Michael Vartan at the lounge inside the Hotel Sofitel on Beverly and La Cienega. He was with a mountain man looking dude...He didn't look like he'd be much fun to hang out with. Maybe he's so brooding because he can't get over the fact that Jennifer left him for a has been.

· Saw Morgan Spurlock pacing in front of Teaforest in Culver City Weds 7-12 at 10:15. He was talking on his cell phone/blackberry and rocking a purple, silk(?) button-up shirt. He is tall. Got an iced drink there then walked to a Lincoln towncar and the driver opened the back door for him to get into. The license plate: Diva 66.

· 7/10 Gary Marshall riding in a golf cart in Franklin Canyon to the set of Georgia Rule (s?) I think there was some "talent" in the cart with him but I didn't recognize anyone. He looked tanned and sporty.

· Last night I saw Jessie Spano!! (elizabeth berkley) at the 9pm Pirates on the Santa Monica Promenade. She looked gorgeous and was really friendly & chatty when me and my drunk friends tried to squeeze through the row. I'm always mildly disappointed when 90s stars don't go off the deep end and turn out like Natasha Lyonne, but whatever, Showgirls ruled.

· Friday night, July 7 at The Vermont in Los Feliz Village: John Cho (of Harold & Kumar, American Pie, etc.) with a group of friends. He was quite touchy-feely with another male member of his crew, causing my companion to speculate on his sexuality. Personally, he didn't set off any blips on my gaydar.

· I saw Bai Ling eating with a heavy white man and a white woman around her age at King's Road cafe sitting outside tonight around 7:00. She looked fairly sane but trashy nonetheless. When she was leaving we saw her limping and thought she'd hurt her foot, but it turned out the thong of her flip flop had broken. She stumbled across the street with her girl friend (man left earlier) and it looked like they were having a good time.

· Spotted "Charlie's Angel" Jacklyn Smith at the Bean on Beverly and Robertson. Perfect pilates body and face looked thirty-five tops. I want her surgeon's card, or failing that, the same deal Missy has made with Satan. I couldn't help but stare; she gave me awinning smile on her way out. Bitch.

· Ok so I give The Tower Bar-at-The-Sunset-at-The-Argyle-at-The-St.James or whatever the hell its called another chance after one particularly dull Sat. night there

Sunday night is "BURGER NIGHT" (read $25 for a inferior Quarter-Ponder with Cheese) Again, at 40, I am the youngest person in the room by about 40 years; the only other occupied table is taken by Betsy Bloomingdale & Bob Colacello of Vanity Fair & some other unidentied gentleman (also AARP) 4th seat empty...I guess NANCY REAGAN couldn't make it! BB looks great for 100 or whatever.

Thank God that JOSEPH (I -did-a- Best- Picture- with- Gwyneth- but- my- brother- with- the- tricky- first- name- is- still- more- famous) FIENNES walked in; thereby lowering the odds of a "cardiac incident" occurring & paramedics being called! ugh!

· On Wednesday, 7/12, I saw Hank Azaria on Santa Monica Blvd. heading West, just past Westwood Blvd. in a brand new Aston Martin convertible. He had the top down, yapping on his cell phone, wifebeater tee. He was gesticulating wildly. I came back after lunch and told my assistant I saw the scuba man and she said she also saw him a few days earlier, same car, same top down, same wifebeater. I'm already tired of that Aston Martin convertible—all those dorks on Entourage also drive it.
saturday 7/8

· I saw Gary Busey across the street from the Cher convention at the Marriot in Woodland Hills. He was pumping his own gas (Porsche) at that gas station on Topanga right by the freeway entrance. He was wearing a big white swag t-shirt, flip flops and looked a bit overheated and puffy. Please note that proximity to Cher convention is not a sighting AT the Cher convention, but just suspect enough to mention.

· I saw Edward Furlong at Cafe 50s on Santa Monica. A guy bummed a cigarette off of him and paid him for it.

· Not sure if this is where you're supposed to send celeb sightings, but saw Travis Barker from Blink 182 at Matsuhisa last night. He rolled up with a few other guys, went inside and sat in the corner for about 30 minutes, came outside and had a smoke, spit in the gutter about 6 times (disgusting) and then left. I can't imagine they possibly had time to actually eat, but hey. They were there.

· I know this may be a little late coming, but it was such a fantastic sighting, I've decided to report it. At the June 13th Huey Lewis and the News and Chicago show at the Greek, I was sitting about 6 rows back when my eyes were essentially accosted by a man that I can only describe as a SUPERFAN. He single-handedly roused the crowd to dance, sing, scream and clap. He knew EVERY song, had innovative dance moves for every opportunity and guzzled beer like it was his job. By the end of the show, he had pushed his way to the front of the venue and was simultaneously chucking back more alcohol and dancing with women who were at least three times his age. He repeated these same antics a few nights later at the Hall and Oats show at Royce Hall at UCLA. Boy loves his oldies. Who was it? MICHAEL ROSENBAUM from "Smallville." The boy can dance and drink and has great taste in music. I am sold.

· Friday, July 7th. Outside of Trader Joe's on Santa Monica (near La Brea). Saw Henry Rollins exit the store with a single bag of groceries. Dressed like a typical punk rocker in a T-shirt and cargo shorts. Most surprising— his hair was completely gray! It probably doesn't need saying, but Henry looked very angry.

· June 29th, Radiohead concert Shawn Pyfrom, Andrew from Desperate Housewives leading his pack of dudes from the merchandies area. Amazingly, he didn't do anything evil or prick-ish.

· Hello there, long time listener first time caller. Just saw BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY at the Ventura and Laurel Coffee Bean, explaining the mechanisms by which coffee machines work to his co-venturers. He is as handsome in person as he is on the silver screen!