1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

The LAPD placed two officers, Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, on leave in connection with their investigation into the leak, the AP reports; supposedly the officers in question met Levin at a gay/lesbian networking event, at least according to a report floated in TheMediaBuffet.com, which last winter was first to report that TMZ paid $62,500 for the police snapshot.

Lopez's attorney has issued a blanket denial that she had anything to do with the leak; Reyes' lawyer has, according to AP, said she "did nothing criminal or anything for financial gain" — a much more specific denial that leaves open that possibility that TMZ's money may have gone to a friend or relative, as anti-paparazzi advocates claim is common practice.

The question of Reyes and Lopez's guilt is beside the point as far as the effect on TMZ is concerned: It's going to be harder to get the cooperation of law enforcement sources if they think it is at all likely a witchhunt will put their steady government job and comfy, government-funded retirement at risk, leaving them in the cold during a recession. Maybe Levin should put these two on the TMZ payroll, as a counter-example to others. He could certainly afford it.

(Pic: Levin at a Laker's game in April. Getty.)

While, yes, Brown did discuss his family's familiarity with domestic violence — his step-father hit his mother, Joyce — but he brought nothing else new to the table. Rather, the pop star skirted most of King's questions, particularly the specifics of his and former girlfriend Rihanna's relationship.

When asked about alleged past blow-outs, Brown simply furrowed his brow, feigned ignorance and let his lawyer try to pin the blame on a probation officer, who was obviously mistaken and made a mistake in citing past incidents in the official report.

Fine, okay. That's what lawyers do: they make their clients look better than they are. But Chris really didn't help, for he came off as, quite simply, a man who was doing what he thought needed to be done: appearing on national television in a bid to clear the air, but, in the end, not really clearing the air.

The most Brown did to address his violent streak was to blame his youth: no one taught him and Rihanna how to love one another; relationships get heated; there's no class on controlling anger. Really? One would think that after watching his mother, who, for the record, we like, get beat up on, Brown would have more respect for women.

Even the singer's dimwitted attempts at chivalry, like not discussing the specifics of the infamous night (out of "respect") came off as nothing more than an endeavor at saving face. When presented with the photo of a black, blue and bloodied Rihanna, Brown could simply mutter that he couldn't believe the showdown went down and expressed his luke-warm disappointment in himself.

While surely he and his publicity team thought tonight's appearance would help rehabilitate his image, Brown's overall emotionless will likely only strengthen the image of him as a villain. Too bad, because we used to really like him. Now he just looks like a jerk.

He would have been better off flying under the radar and then coming back with something so spectacular that the world forgot all about his violent temper and focused on his talent, which has now been tarnished forever by both his girlfriend-beating and terrible CNN appearance.

We're going to call a preemptive bullshit, but here's what Brown had to say:

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times — and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.

The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer — which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No."

It wasn't appropriate for him to discuss his actions, but it is totally acceptable for him to go on national television and beg for the public's forgiveness? Is this man from Mars?

On a related note, Soulja-Boy described a recent Brown collaboration as "a smash." Ha!

Brown also says that when he hears reports of what he did to his ex-girlfriend, "I just look at it like, wow. I'm in shock, because that's not who I am as a person…I don't know what to think. It's just like, wow."

On the infamous photo of Rihanna's beaten face, Brown says, "When I look at it now, it's just like, wow. I can't believe that that actually happened."

Brown's mother Joyce Hawkins was also present for the interview, and says that she was "totally shocked" by his assault because "Chris has never ever been a violent person."

However, reports have come out that Brown and Rihanna's relationship was plagued with violence. The couple got in a shoving match in Europe three months prior to the February incident. Also, in January 2009, the couple got into an argument in a car in Barbados, during which Brown exited the vehicle and smashed the driver and passenger side windows.

Chris Brown says he still loves Rihanna [CNN]
Chris Brown and Rihanna Had a History of Violence [People]
Chris Brown Tells PEOPLE: 'I Still Love Rihanna' [People]

According to a new probation report, the pop star duo's physical altercations spanned the globe: Rihanna once slapped Brown while in Europe, and, like the real man that he is, he shoved her against a wall. Then, while visiting Barbados, Brown became so infuriated with the "Umbrella" songstress that he broke her cars' windows. Tsk, tsk.

Considering Brown's violent history, the judge insisted today that Brown's community service include hard labor, that he attend domestic violence counseling, and also enacted a 50-yard restraining order that expires in 2014. No more basketball games for these two tough love birds. We bet you're sorry now, Brown.

Brown will plead guilty to a felony and receive six months in jail or community labor — such as graffiti removal or trash pickup — and five years' formal probation. He will also undergo domestic violence counseling. Judge Patricia Schnegg said he will be allowed to complete counseling, community labor and probation in his native Virginia, but is to be treated there like any other offender.

The maximum he would have faced if convicted in court was five years in prison. Let's hope the domestic violence counseling works out.
[LAT. Pic via]

It's not yet known if "Stronger" will be on Mary's forthcoming album, set for release in November, but it was listed on DJ Storm's latest mixtape Desert Storm South R&B. Mary does most of the singing; Brown's presence is limited to some ad-libbing. It's not known if the two were in the studio at the same time when the song was recorded, or if Blige was even aware that Brown's vocals were included on the track, but at least one Chris Brown fan site says that Brown actually wrote the song, which was produced by Polow Da Don.

Interestingly, about a month after Brown's alleged assault on Rihanna — while the young couple was in the midst of a brief reconciliation — both TMZ and Us reported that the pop stars were secretly working on a duet during a couple of late-night recording sessions, with producer Polow Da Don, saying, "The theme is about being stronger and growing stronger in a relationship." Additionally:

We're told the song was originally written for Rihanna before the fight, but after the beat down the producer believed the track — which ironically focuses on overcoming difficult challenges as a couple — would be the perfect duet.

As we know, if those sessions did indeed take place, nothing ever came of them, and shorty thereafter, Rihanna broke it off with Brown for good. So is this the same song that Blige ended up recording? It certainly seems like it is, considering the lyrics ("We've been through it all/ We had some close calls…We'll survive / As long as you're by my side"), and the fact that the same producer is attached to each project.

It's difficult to know if Blige was aware of the extent of Brown's involvement with the track, or how closely it's tied to Brown and Rihanna's former relationship — mainly because she's yet to speak about it — but whenever she's been asked for her take on Brown's alleged assault, she's always given a very diplomatic answer, telling Us, "They're both young and beautiful people, and that's it."

Just this weekend, while being interviewed for DJ Whoo Kid's radio show on Sirius/XM, Mary was asked again about incident, and she replied, "I just know that they're both young, and it's hard when you're young and you're artists. It's two sides to every story, and people need to listen to both sides before they start killing the next person. I love them both."

The reason why she's so frequently asked this question is the same reason that her potential support of Brown is so baffling: Blige has witnessed, or experienced, much abuse at the hands of men. Her father beat her mother before he abandoned the family. Later on, she had a string of abusive boyfriends, most notably, singer K-Ci Hailey from Jodeci. Blige has described their six-year relationship as "Ike and Tina of the '90s" and "a private hell," saying, I'd rather stay around and take a beating then let him go. Because I felt like if I let him go, then I was gonna die." In 2006, she told Parade, "The relationship I was in was so terrible, I had a gun to my face. At that point, I said to myself, ‘There's something wrong with me. Guys don't want to stick around because they're ashamed of me.'"

While Blige doesn't often speak specifically about her relationship with K-Ci, she built a career out of the healing and strength she was able to take out of it. Because of that, she's become an advocate for the importance of women cultivating a strong sense of self, and even started a foundation for the advancement of women.

An endorsement from someone like Blige would be a real feather in Brown's cap, especially considering his upcoming court case. And maybe Blige has her own reasons for doing so, as a way to get some closure for herself by offering forgiveness to an alleged abuser (even if it's not her own). But if she's looking to forgive someone, maybe she should start with a person who's at least apologetic. Just last night, Brown may have openly mocked Rihanna by attending an NBA finals game with a woman who some say was dressed up as the pop star.

Seriously, Mary? [FourFour]
Mary J. Blige talks about K-Ci [YouTube]
Chris Brown — What Were You Thinking!!? [TMZ]
Mary J. Blige's New Song 'Stronger' Feat. Chris Brown [Ace Showbiz]

Brown, who has taken to moving around with 3 visible bodyguards and 3-4 less visible security agents, had received multiple threats from the group, according to police.

According to the source, Brown's threats have been coming from a ‘‘group'' (though authorities think it could easily be just a single person) calling itself the ‘‘Women's Protection Action League.''

The alleged threats, I'm told, are completely tied to the charges the entertainer badly beat Rhianna on Grammy Awards weekend earlier this year.

With Google and Nexis searches turning up no information on any group going by the name "Women's Protection Action League," we decided on the basis of almost nothing that these threats were coming from a female acolyte of Rihanna... and Valerie Solanas.

For those who are unfamiliar with her, in 1967, Ms. Solanas authored the notorious S.C.U.M. manifesto, in which she argued for the elimination of men as the only way to end the patriarchy. Upset with her treatment at the hands of Andy Warhol after he accepted and then lost the manuscript of her play, Solanas shot him 3 times, nearly killing him. Solanas had, for a time, been part of Warhol's circle and even appeared in one of his movies.

By that logic, Brown's threats might be coming from a mentally ill, female member of his extended entourage who is pretty fucking pissed at him about beating up Rihanna and generally isn't a fan of men. While his security detail is suspicious that the threat-maker might pose as a paparazzo, he might want to be just a little careful of the women he surrounds himself with.

And, hey, if that means Brown stops hanging around with women, well, it's a win-win situation.

Death Threats Putting Chris Brown On (Body)guard [Chicago Sun Times]

Related: Valerie Solanas [Wikipedia]

"She would be pleased if this was over quickly," attorney Donald Etra said.

That would certainly benefit Brown, whose marketability as a famous R&B singer becomes less recoverable with each additional day the press writes about the violence that erupted between him and Rihanna before the Grammys two months ago.

But why would Rihanna, herself a vocalist with a devoted following, want to publicly help Brown escape the full consequences of his actions? Doing so opens her to charges she's helping enable Brown's abuse, and to speculation that she's as culpable in the attack as the pro-Brown PR campaign would have everyone believe.

Maybe Rihanna's team is worried that a lengthy, heavily-publicized he-said/she-said in court carries nearly as much risk for Rihanna as it does for Brown. It's hard, after all, to imagine Brown's reputation falling much further than where it was right after pictures of Rihanna's bruised face leaked online. Rihanna has more to lose. The singer has made conspicuous public appearances with other men in recent weeks, and will have trouble looking as independent and "over" Brown if she ends up spending months arguing with him in court over the specifics of what happened.

In all likelihood, Brown will take the plea deal everyone is buzzing about and Rihanna avoids talking about or being seen with him ever again. Brown accepts that the incident will retard his career; Rihanna will finally be able put the ordeal behind her — to the greatest extent possible, at least.

(Pic: INF)

Contributing editor Margaret assists as we try and reach the pinnacle of celebrity "news" by reading In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Results below.

Ok!
"Best Friends!"
Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are both in New York for films, but "the working moms' most important project while in Manhattan is coordinating a playdate for their two adorable toddlers!" Not that it has happened yet. Still, the mag pushes the kids together on the elaborately Photoshopped cover and inside there's another composite photo where it almost looks like Suri and Shiloh are standing on the same sidewalk, except you know that they are not, because the photos are months apart. The cover is a real achievement since it involved cutting out Shiloh's basket so that Suri's dress would appear behind the handle, even though these children HAVE NEVER MET. Moving on: Mariska Hargitay is recuperating from her second surgery in two months from complications after suffering a collapsed lung. Be well! A story about how Tim Gunn has a little crush on Anderson Cooper is illustrated with tiny hearts (Fig. 1). Tim says he loves Coop's "brain, looks and style. He's fabulous!" Margaret wants them to be boyfriends and have little well-dressed babies. Gwen Stefani's kid Kingston has a crush on their neighbor, Britney Spears: "He think [Britney] is really great and cute, and he flirts with her," Gwen says. A story about Briney being on tour contains this sentence: "This tour had a totally unexpected impact on Britney and her own kids, turning them into a real family," a "friend" of Brit's tells the mag. Because they used to be a fake family, you see. Lastly, in a Rihanna story, an insider claims Rihanna is "desperate" to keep Chris Brown out of jail. Ugh.
Grade: F (falling down a flight of stairs)

In Touch
"Friends Fear It Will End In Death."
Perhaps coincidentally, the picture of Chris Brown inside shows a skull tattoo on his hand. The article is about how Chris could kill Rihanna, but there is no new information. Moving on: "Posh Steals Tom's Style" made us LOL (Fig. 2). Next, there's a spread which seems to insinuate that Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick is hot for some dude with whom he attended a Knicks game (Fig 3). Love the way they gaze into each other's eyes and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. Jessica Simpson is "back in her Daisy Dukes" but they are actually not the same shorts she wore in 2004; though they are the same jean shorts she wore in 2007. Also: Who cares? A spread called "Stars Are Starting To Look Like Vampires" is about pale skin and red lips. Yeah, Dita Von Teese is pictured.
Grade: D- (getting stuck in an elevator)





Us
"Bachelor Revenge!"
Margaret says she read the whole story and found it "boring and stupid and made-up." Apparently after they filmed After The Final Rose Melissa Rycroft sent Jason Mesnick emails that were leaked online. (By her, one assumes?) In them she said: "I can't believe you did that to me publicly. I can't even tell you how much respect I lost for you. Seeing the person that you became you are right: A relationship between you are I would never work." That is like when someone dumps you and you say, "No, I am dumping you!" Moving on: A sidebar about celebrity babysitters reveals which stars sat for other stars: William H. Macy used to babysit for Jeremy Piven; Kristen Bell used to babysit Hayden Panettiere; Alice Cooper used to babysit for Keanu Reeves; Michael Bolton used to watch Paula Abdul. Next: Nadya Suleman, known in this mag as "Octomom," wrote a letter to her 14 kids (?!?) and Us hired a handwriting analyst to study it. Because Suleman didn't loop her "G," she has unfulfilled wishes and dreams. Sad! But hopefully her "wishes" aren't for more kids. Oh, so the video of her giving birth is being shopped for $1 million and apparently Suleman wanted it shot so her other kids could see the miracle of life. Plus, in a Radaronline interview, when asked if she would do porn, Suleman said: "Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away." So that's not a no? In a Chris and Rihanna story, Bow Wow, a friend of the couple, says the rumors of a pregnancy and secret wedding are not true. A "friend" of Rihanna's says: "Am I scared for her? Hell yeah. I saw the girl's face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time." The DA tells Us that since Chris texted an apology to Rihanna's assistant "that amounts to a confession." Also: "If she says she hit him first, that could very well be the difference whether he spends any time in jail or not." Plus: America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez says she was in an abusive relationship for four years. She's put two restraining orders on him since winning the show.
Grade: D (climbing extremely steep stairs on hands and knees)

Life & Style
"Force To Diet."
Though Katie Holmes's rep denies it, the mag claims Kate is on a "Scientology detox diet known as a purification rundown." It's a combination of exercise, vitamins, nutrition and sauna that dislodges drug residue and other toxins. Sounds fun! But: Taking niacin has maybe made Katie's skin yellow. A reporter asked her about her favorite restaurants, and she held up a drink and said, "As you can see, I'm on my liquid diet right now." Have you seen Angelina and Brad's Long Island living room? It's insane (Fig. 4)! The house has a "shocking past" — wild parties! A feng shui consultant who does not work for Brad and Angie says: "If they want to cleanse the energy of the home, they could go around the perimeter of it with sage or ringing a bell. In every corner you clap your hands to break up the energy. Energy often gets caught in corners." Good to know. Rihanna has been invited to go on Oprah's show, but Chris told her not to do it, saying it would make things worse. According to a friend. And: "She really did change her email address and her cell phone number." Rihanna isn't talking to friends or family who don't support her decision to get back with Chris. There's an "exclusive" interview with Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger about the breast reduction she got. She went to an associate of Dr. 90210 (Dr. Rey) because she saw him on TV. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook: Necks. Anne Hathaway's is "wrinkle-free," maybe because she is 27? Nicole Kidman's neck is "loose." She is 41. Jane Krakowski, 40, would "appear younger" with 28-year-old Kristen Bell's neck. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (riding an elevator which stops at every floor)

Star
"Caught: Brad & The Nanny!"
Here's the deal with Brad Pitt and the nanny: Brad walked into the twins' room and saw the nanny sitting on the bed. He asked what was wrong and she told him she didn't feel well. He sat down next to her and started rubbing her back. "It really was all very innocent," says an insider. But if they were alone in the room, who is this person?? Anyway. Angelina walked in and "flipped out." She "got right in Brad's face, screaming at the top of her lungs and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back." Then the commotion woke the babies and they started crying; Angie just snapped. "She slapped Brad right across the face. He was stunned." Brad stormed out of the house and went on a long motorcycle ride. Now the kids are upset because the nanny is gone and Angie gets mad when they ask where the lady went. Moving on: Jennifer Love Hewitt is now dating Jamie Kennedy. Blind item! "Which aging sexpot needs to get a handle on her carnal instincts? Diners at a chic LA eatery were disgusted by a sloppy makeout session with her younger lover. Such bad taste!" Miley Cyrus has fake teeth and they fell out of her mouth at a recent photo shoot. Brad and Angie have "added another kid" to their brood: Shiloh's imaginary friend, Amy. Shiloh says she likes Amy better than Knox and Viv. "Jake Puts A Ring On It" is about how Reese Witherspoon showed up at a photo shoot wearing an engagement ring, but took it off when she saw people staring. She's not ready to go public with it, but Gyllenhaal popped the question. Two pictures of Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick on vacation in Jamaica. An insider says Chris Brown won Rihanna back "with the promise of marriage and babies" but now "he's made it clear that if she even thinks of leaving, she'll pay for it." "One minute he's whispering sweet nothings to her and the next he's making threats." Next: Britney and Kevin are falling in love again. While on tour in Florida, Brit took the family to Disneyworld and booked a whole floor at a hotel for her camp. An insider says: "Her room was only four doors down the corridor from Kevin's! They looked awfully friendly when they met up in the hallway!" The two allegedly stay up all night talking in hotel rooms and backstage, Kevin hugged Britney and told her she looked "gorgeous" before she went on. A different insider says there's been "some kissing." The sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston, Mercede Johnston, tells the mag that Bristol broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets Levi see their son. Scandal! Is Paula Abdul only acting like she is over Idol and into her jewelry line? Or does she want producers to beg her to stay? Finally: "We Love Our Curves" is an eight page photo-driven story about "curvy" celebs. The mag claims Beyoncé is a size 12, Jennifer Hudson is a size 10 and Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is a 10. Does that make any sense?
Grade: C- (stuck going up endless narrow, ancient stone spiral staircase)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 4

Fig.5

An anonymous employee at the kiddie network told us that they received the following email this afternoon, in which an emergency is declared and a strict timetable for when all Brown-related Kids Choice Awards material needs to be off the website. The timetable is: IMMEDIATELY! 'Cause, you know, the stuff's been up there for weeks now, and it's probably about time old programmer Gus shuffled in with his mop and bucket and cleaned up this mess. Curious, considering they were all set to stand by him just yesterday. Maybe this is a hoax memo?

Subject: KCA EMERGENCY!

All,
We have to remove Chris Brown from Voting, Nominees & any other content (Flipbooks, Video, UPick)
The plan is to remove CB from Fav Male Singer & Fav Song in Voting as well as Nominees.
[blank] is reformatting the Voting page now. [blank] is working on the Voting backend.
Here are the lists of tasks & responsibilities

Voting:
Reformat Voting by 2m
Voting edit by 3pm

Nominees:
3pm
4pm

Other content:
Video:
Flipbooks:
UPD:
All Site inits:
Message Boards:
SEO:

Producers: Please scan the site & call out any mention of Chris Brown anywhere.

Please report back with your progress.

And, you know, if this email is bogus, we'll know soon enough. What was it, 4pm?

Update: Brown's name and face have, in fact, been deleted from the offending pages.

As my distinguished colleague Alex Pareene said, "Someone should probably forward Nickelodeon a copy of the internet."

Um, agreed.

The phone numbers were contained in court documents for the prosecution of singer Brown for allegedly beating girlfriend and fellow R&B star Rihanna. Celebrity news show Extra published the raw documents on its website and, like other outlets, attempted to redact the phone numbers of Brown, Rihanna and Rihanna's personal assistant.

Unfortunately, Extra editors missed a spot, right near the top of the 11-page search-warrant application, exposing the three numbers for which police are seeking records. We've blurred them at left.

It's not clear from the warrant which number belongs to which person, though it seems safe to guess both Rihanna and her personal assistant would be using the same provider, T-Mobile. The first Verizon and second T-Mobile number are disconnected; a recording of the voice mail for the first T-Mobile number is above. You can decide for yourself if you think it belongs to Rihanna or her assistant.

We imagine both Rihanna and her helper have precious little time right now for calls from strangers, courtesy Extra. On the other hand, if the working number does belong to one of them and not some poor new subscriber who got prematurely-recycled digits, then at least the show gave Rihanna's worried family a way to finally get back in touch with her.

According to a detective's affidavit, Brown and Rihanna got into a fight early Feb. 8 after the "Umbrella" singer checked her boyfriend's cell phone and found a text message from another woman.
Brown pulled his car over and tried to push Rihanna out, but she was still wearing her seatbelt, Los Angeles police Detective De Shon Andrews wrote. He said Brown pushed Rihanna's head against the window, punched her with his right hand, and then continued driving while hitting her, the affidavit states. He also bit his girlfriend on the ear, the affidavit states....

Andrews described Brown's blows as causing Rihanna's mouth to fill with blood. He also writes that Brown tried to choke Rihanna after she took the keys to his car away. Andrews wrote that Rihanna nearly lost consciousness but also tried to fight back while in the car, at one point trying to gouge at Brown's eyes.

The complaint identifies Brown's victim as "Robyn F." Rihanna's full name is Robyn Rihanna Fenty. The Smoking Gun has the affidavit and warrants. The gruesome details do little for a public image that Brown has been trying to rehabilitate.

(Photo by AP/Matt Sayles)

It needed an endorsement from Rihanna.

Brown's public relations campaign wasn't going to work if the fellow R&B star did not take Brown back, validating his supposed emotional turnaround.

Brown still hasn't obtained forgiveness from his alleged victim, but he's perhaps manufactured the image of such: Page Six's sources say he tipped the press off to what was supposed to be a hush-hush meeting with Rihanna in the gated Miami enclave of Star Island. Paparazzi mysteriously tracked the onetime couple down, and their reunion has been the talk of celebrity media all week.

In other words, Chris Brown isn't above violating someone's personal boundaries to prove that he can be trusted not to violate people's personal boundaries, assuming Page Six is right.

Though sad and pathetic, Brown's PR games would at least be a clear signal he's written off any hope of a genuine reunion with his apparent victim.

Life & Style
"Finally, A Baby!" The only cover not to focus on Rihanna features an absurd story that claims Jennifer Aniston is trying to get pregnant because she's been visiting Dr. Mary C. Kerr, the "ob-gyn to the stars." She's so serious about having a baby that she invited Kerr to her birthday party, since everyone knows socializing with your doctor increases your fertility. Except, she's been seeing Kerr for years and the doctor was probably at the party because she's married to the producer of Jen's next movie. Moving on: Poor Gisele Bundchen. Before her wedding to Tom Brady she was forced to use the public bathrooms in the elementary school attached to the church. A student reports, "she was laughing and looked happy." Rihanna took Chris Brown back partly because she cares about him, and partly "because she can't bear the thought of him with another girl." An insider says, "Rihanna's promised to do everything she can to get Chris off the hook legally ... She's even instructed family members to speak out in full support of her decision." Her team is worried fans will turn on her for taking him back, but she won't listen to anyone. Next: Here's an update on Robert Pattinson's terribly tragic life. He's been flirting with every girl he comes into contact with, and a friend says, "He goes home with a lot of different girls." But the pal adds: "He's not sure who wants to date him for him - and who wants to date him just because he's famous." The next story is pretty much summed up in the title: "Britney begs: Daddy, set me free!" Dr. Drew and his wife Susan, who are the parents of triplets, have reached out to Nadya Suleman. They dropped off a case of powdered Similac and 400 diapers. But, they say that doesn't mean they agree with what Suleman did. Doug Reinhardt bought Paris Hilton a $10,000 dog. Beyonce, Gisele Bundchen, and Kim Kardashian like spicy food, and the magazine claims it's because hot food speeds up your metabolism. Finally, Dr. Rey's heinous casebook asks, "Who has the best chest in Hollywood?" The bad doctor says Kim Kardashian's 34Ds are "fabulous," but Sarah Jessica Parker's 34Cs looked "squished" at the Oscars. Also, Lauren Conrad would look better with Nicole Richie's boobs. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (Flipping over the game board in disgust)

OK!
Though this cover promises "exclusive first photos of Rihanna in Miami with Chris," the lone picture of the couple at the Miami airport is so blurry that none of their facial features are distinguishable. (Fig. 2) The blobs may be holding hands, but the mag helpfully drew a giant arrow on the pictures so even that's unclear. The accompanying article talks about how Diddy felt compelled to help the two lovebirds out because, according to a friend of Diddy's, "While he doesn't condone Chris's behavior, he believes people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance." Also, Chris is recording his next CD and a friend reports, "He's been writing the things bottled up in his mind." Ugh. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston told OK! "I am totally over Brad." Who knows when she said it, but according to the mag, Angie and Jen's Oscar night non-run in "brought a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the near half-decade of coy quips." Jeremy Piven was spotted eating calamari salad and tuna tartare. In the story "NO Engagement Ring For Jess" the mag prints this sentence: "Tony Romo refuses to 'put a ring on it.'" Finally, there's a two page spread titled, "Is LC the New Jen?" Both Lauren Conrad and Jennifer Aniston have had their heart broken, love the beach, and date their co-stars. So obviously, that's a yes.
Grade: D- (Missing puzzle pieces)

Us
"Rihanna Her Side" mostly reveals how upset her friends and family are about her decision to take Chris Brown back. One disgusted friend says Chris gave her a diamond bracelet. "It's his way of saying sorry. She's worth more than that," says the friend. Rihanna's mom, Beyonce, and Oprah have reached out to Rihanna but she's not listening. Jay-Z is trying to set up a meeting for her with Tina Turner. Another insider says Rihanna is using makeup to cover up her injuries and she thinks her nose is uneven now so she's considering a nose job. Us notes that while last week, Star claimed that Rihanna is pregnant, they could only find one source to confirm the story, saying, "they have been talking nonstop because she's expecting and trying to figure out what to do with the baby." In an exclusive interview, Lauren Conrad talks about leaving The Hills and as the mag says, "hanging up her headband." Gisele Bundchen didn't tell anyone in her family about her secret wedding to Tom Brady. A source says, "many of us are angry." Bridget Moynahan is also annoyed because Tom didn't tell her he was taking their son to his wedding when he picked him up, and Bridget introduced him to the church they got married at, and she still goes there. On the bright side, Gisele wore a custom designed Dolce & Gabanna gown and the mag has a blurry picture. (Fig. 3) Finally, there is a 47 question crossword puzzle devoted entirely to Jennifer Aniston. Here's 32 down: Four letters, "Jen's breasts are ____"
Grade: D (Dog eating your Monopoly money)

In Touch
In "Why We Got Back Together" an insider describes Chris and Rihanna's reunion: "They were crying and hugging and kissing. It was a tender moment. You can tell they are really in love, in spite of what may have happened. Chris kept saying over and over again how much he loves her." Though they were at Sean Combs Miami mansion, a friend insists Diddy didn't try to reunite Chris and Rihanna saying, "He had nothing to do with it." So, they just broke in to his house? A sidebar says: "Fans are disappointed with Rihanna." Fans like those on JEZEBEL.COM. (Fig. 4) We've finally arrived! Moving on: "Jon and Kate [of Plus 8 fame]'s marriage is falling apart." Jon has been spending time at his mom's house three hours from his home with Kate, and partying with local college kids. He was overheard telling a girl he was hitting on, "we might be getting a divorce," and, "Kate is a bitch. She's so compulsive and Type A." Jennifer Aniston checked into a Paris hotel she stayed at five years ago with Brad, because clearly she's still in love with him. Portia de Rossi says that she and Ellen are not trying to get pregnant. It "could not be further from the truth," she says. "The IVF story was just completely made up." Dina Lohan and Lindsay's friends are planning an intervention to urge her to go back to rehab. A witness says she's a "walking skeleton" and she's been partying non-stop, accompanying Sam to DJ gigs. "Lindsay has always said her issue was not with alcohol, so she is fine to drink," says a friend, "she thinks she can control it." Next: Brad and Angelina's brood is "getting in the way of the romance." Were you aware that Angelina isn't as sexy as she once was? (Fig. 5) Nicole Kidman was wearing a loose fitting dress, so she must be pregnant. It's the same logic behind the full page diagram "Pizza or Pregnant." (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (Spilling Scrabble tiles on the floor)

Star
SECRET WEDDING! Chris "literally fell to his knees," tearfully apologizing when he was first reunited with Rihanna. An insider says, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Yes, the mag actually gives a romanticized account of their reunion. Another source says he told her she was his "queen" and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. The mag writes: "She saw remorse in his eyes and accepted his apology and proposal on the spot." They exchanged vows before a priest, and though the wedding wasn't exactly legal, they are planning to have another ceremony soon. Also, the mag zooms in on an often reprinted photo of Rihanna on the red carpet the day before the beating, revealing that she had a suspicious cut on her wrist at the time. (Fig. 7) Moving on: Salma Hayek married Francois-Henri Pinault because she wants to have another baby. An insider says Pinault, "adores [their daughter] Valentina. But he cherishes his freedom. He doesn't want to be tied down with dirty diapers and late-night feedings." Their solution was to get married, on the condition that Salma be the primary caregiver to both the kids and live in L.A. while he stays in Paris. Oprah is turning to hypnotism to lost weight. "While in an trance, Oprah will be asked to recall childhood memories of the first time she was tempted by fattening goodies." Blind item: Which pretty twenty-something actress recently got dumped by her reality TV star boyfriend - and consoled herself by jumping into bed with another small-screen hunk? More on "Jon - Minus Kate, Plus 8." In addition to partying with college students on several occasions, Jon Gosselin went out to dinner with his mom and demanded a different waitress because he wanted another woman who was younger and more attractive. Jon's mom flipped when he started flirting with a divorced woman at the bar and was overheard saying, "Stop acting like a fool. I will not cover for you!" Jon left with the woman, but they got into a fight at a nearby bar and he left her "crying hysterically." Next: Though Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement, she slept at the house they shared for two nights after they officially split. A friend says: "Megan can't cut Brian out of her life cold turkey because the sex is too good!" In closing, the six page story "Look Who's Twittering Now!" delves into the social networking habits of John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Lily Allen, and admitted Twitter addict Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: C (Cramming extra kids into your car in the Game of Life)


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The endorsements were the first things to go—never before had a simple milk mustache given off such foamy-mouthed menace. The next logical thing to fall was the singer's acting career.

Brown was wisely easing himself into Hollywood. First came a recurring role as a band geek on The O.C., followed by small parts in Stomp the Yard and This Christmas. Most recently, he had completed filming on Bone Deep. A mid-budget heist drama with a porny title, Deep boosted Brown's marquee value with a supporting role alongside T.I.—unlike Brown, the rare pop star who can actually act. But the part didn't require Brown to carry the movie, or even be particularly good: Its more experienced stars—Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen—would do the heavy lifting, their combined, unidimensional-actorbot talents sure to render Brown's line-readings relatively nuanced by comparison.

The film's marketers have a bit of dilemma on their hands, as Brown—who, let's face it, was cast to sell tickets to fans—is now weapons-grade box office poison. Hip-hip blog Woooha is floating the logical rumor that distributor Sony Screen Gems is scrambling to "erase" him from all movie poster, trailer and TV ads, though he'll remain in the final cut.

Above, watch a E! News segment highlighting Brown's Bone Deep involvement that aired just days before the Grammy Night of Infamy. Coming at us "guns blazin', gangsta-style," there was little hint that "juggling music, acting, and Rihanna" would soon result in the show-stopping tumbling of all three.

• Chris Brown film career in jeopardy; "erased" from new movie [woooha.com]

The Daily News' gossip section talked to a "snitch" who has an awful rosy view of Brown's future: The R&B artist will get no jail time and maybe will have a "reunion" with recent girlfriend Rihanna — though the tabloid hastens to add that this might just be a reunion in the sense that Rihanna will be in the same room with Brown. In court. Testifying against him for (um, purportedly) beating the crap out of her. But who knows! They could totally make out! (Barf.)

The Daily News adds that Brown plans to attend a couple of anger management classes before his court date, to try and show his genuine desire to change but really mainly to avoid doing time. There's image rehab step 1.

Step 2 is to say Rihanna totally had it coming, for throwing those keys, and being a total hothead:

"Rihanna is temperamental, too," says our snitch. "They're both too hot-headed for their own good."
Adds another source: "It didn't help that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of his rented Lamborghini and threw them down the street. She knew it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked."

The only way this conceivably works is if Rihanna takes him back. That would explain fresh rumors he's inundating the fellow singer with gifts. A reconciliation would be akin to Rihanna sacrificing a chunk of her public respect to salvage some of Brown's. One hopes she has already reached the obvious conclusion about such a proposition: That Brown has taken quite enough from her already.