”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:

The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.

• POLICE: PAPARAZZI, GUARDS, FIGHT AT BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE'S CHATEAU [NYDN]

Even though its B.O. numbers didn't exactly scream "Sequel!", the folks behind 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair, also known as Yet Another Chance For Pierce Brosnan To Convince Us He's Charming, are in pre-production mode for the second installment, slated for a 2009 release. The film's original female lead, Rene Russo, intelligently declined to participate in the inevitable disaster, leading producers to seek out Jolie as her replacement. The only glitch? Said folks have worked with Jolie before on Wanted, and reportedly fear another round of Lohan-esque fainting spells the then-skinny-as-a-rail Jolie kept experiencing while on set. As a result, they're said to be requiring their leading lady to pack on 30 pounds. As in, now. One week after giving birth to twins. Which begs the question: is it possible that Jolie has sped far ahead of post-pregnancy slim fast stars Jessica Alba and J. Lo in shedding her tent-dress-requiring baby weight already? And if not, why the need for this unnecessary sequel to star such a "weighty" co-star?

Ah, yes. The role is that of an "action woman." Because Jolie hasn't ever portrayed a gunfire-equipped, stunt scene-ready, action hero before or anything.

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage]

• EXCLUSIVE: ANGELINA JOLIE'S TWINS CONCEIVED THROUGH IN VITRO [Us]
• ANGELINA JOLIE'S WEIGHTY ROLE [Female First]

As the NY Daily News reported earlier this week, the chichi baby boutique Petit Tresor blabbed to the press about how many pieces of furniture that the Most Important Couple Ever had purchased and how much they spent on what sounded like incredibly tacky pieces for the twins' very pink and sparkly nursery. But another source tells today's Scoop that the decision was actually a result of arguments between Brad and Angelina, who envisioned very different styles for the sugar plum fairies' living quarters: "'Brad wanted a nursery filled with furniture with ‘clean lines’ — sort of ’60s modern and lots of natural wood colors and whites...Angelina was much more interested in creating a classic European nursery.'” What to do? Order the boutique to enlist a psychic, of course! "'The psychic was to determine the ‘vibe’ of the twins.'...Apparently it was determined the vibe was more girly than modern." Since we tend to lean on the Agent Scully side of skepticism when it comes to predicting "vibes," we're thinking this all-knowing reader of thoughts inside one's womb was simply a full-fledged member of Lesbian Chic 2008, and sided with Jolie's more ostentatious vision after a few minutes staring ominously at her pillow lips.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• JOLIE, PITT NURSERY DESIGNER GUIDED BY PSYCHIC [MSNBC]

As the Post reports, Pitt recently spent some time at the Design Miami Basel fair buying the hollowed out table we see at bottom left for nearly $300k, in addition to two ergonomic chairs like the ones at top left. That horrendous rug we see at bottom right is made of aluminum, which saves the planet and all that boring stuff, but looks like it's made of cardboard and may puncture tiny Shiloh's perfect feet. As for that monstrosity at top right, Pitt apparently expressed "interest" in a silver version, which is fiberglass and "lacquer-finished." Meaning the pair can get as wet as they want while canoodling on it, but will most likely just slip off it onto their crunchy granola rug. Hot.

• BRAD PITT GOES ON A SHOPPING SPREE [NYP]