Why God why?, you may ask. Well, there's just always been something beguiling about Ms. Morissette—her odd, alien-like Canadianism, her sad, wistful eyes—that we just like on screen. Anyway, here's a picture of her as Nancy's new gynecologist. Exciting.

And, hey, there are other musicians we'd like to act more. They include:

Mos Def
While pretty much every rapper decides to act at some point, Def is one of the few that can actually act. He even got credit for his stage chops, appearing in Suzan-Lori Parks' very difficult play Topdog/Underdog on Broadway in 2002. And, OK, so Def studied theater at NYU and has been acting professionally since he was a kid, but still, for a while there he was much better known as a musician than an actor, so it still sort of counts.

Macy Gray
Did you see her all weird and crazy in Training Day? Wasn't it fun? We need more of that. Sure there aren't that many parts that a raspy crazed bumblebee like Gray can actually play, but c'mon, there are enough movies that call for raspy crazed bumblebees to at least make acting a funny side-career. Will she play a bee to someone else's spider in Mama Black Widow?

Courtney Love
Speaking of crazy people. Though Love's personal life has taken a turn south over the past, oh fifteen years or so, she's fairly magnetic on screen. She did really nice work in The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon and, hell, wasn't bad in that otherwise-bad thriller Trapped. She's rumored to be in some upcoming comedy called Mother's Little Helpers, so hopefully that's something.

Jack White
Was pleasant and poised in Cold Mountain, and deftly played himself opposite his awkward wife-friend-girlfriend-sister-whatever Meg White in Coffee & Cigarettes. He was also Elvis in that Walk Hard movie that no one saw. Do more movies that people will see, Mr. White!

Pete Wentz
Just kidding.

Obviously there are others—Cher and Dolly Parton and Reba McEntire and Jon Bon Jovi are always welcome. Who else?

Sweet gay Christmas, this is news. Cher, who some gay folks like, and Christina Aguilera, ditto, are teaming up to be in a movie musical called Burlesque. The film is about a small town girl who moves to Los Angeles and ends up performing at a club overseen by its all-knowing, former dancer proprietress. We're pretty sure we know who plays what role, but really it doesn't matter. All the gay dudes in all the land will be lining up for this one—to love it, to mock it, or just because that's what everyone else is doing. [Variety]

Having finally left Central Perk for long enough to explore New York and discover things as modern as really high rents and the Internet, Phoebe and Monica have decided they'd like to make a web show together. Lisa Kudrow is going to do a second season of her Web Therapy show, on which her old costar Courteney Cox will guest star. Probably to plug Cougar Town. Which looks rough. [THR]

Larry Doyle (I Love You, Beth Cooper) will direct an adaptation of his own upcoming novel Go Mutants!, which is about a high school where all the creatures from 1950s cheapo sci-fi/horror flicks (who were all real!) send their kids. So these weirdos try to blend in with the regular kids, even though they're loud and weird and stick out like sore thumbs. So it could have been called Go Theater! and it'd basically be the same thing. [Variety]

Pete Travis (the nonsensical Vantage Point) will direct a modern adaptation of Shakespeare's Macbeth. Because, oh good. We're getting a modern Hamlet (again), and we sorta got a modern R & J. We're really waiting for the modern King John, or the modern Measure for Measure, just to see Jena Malone as a nun who hooks herself out to save her brother (Sebastian Stan). Also, um, didn't we already get a modern Macbeth with the masterful (seriously, go rent it) Scotland, PA? Yes, we did. [THR]

Enchanted director Kevin Lima has signed on to direct Frank, a romantic comedy about a nerdy science lady who uses her genetics prowess to make herself a friend. Presumably said friend turns out to be rumply and handsome and then they fall in love until he finds out he's fake and goes away and a sad montage plays but then they get back together in the end. So it's a modern update of Frankenstein, if Victor and the Monster got gay together. Oh, let's do that! [Variety]

Poor sad Jessica Simpson is returning, head drooped dejectedly like a be-titted Charlie Brown, to reality TV. She'll star in the 2010 VH1 (oh, Jessica...) series The Price of Beauty, in which she travels the world and learns beauty tips (some are Extreme!!!) from women all over the place. So at least it's got some marginal amount of merit to it. I mean, it's not just her wandering around a mansion and yelling about tunafish. That's something. [THR]

Oscar-winning Slumdog Millionaire composer A.R. Rahman has just signed a worldwide licensing deal with Universal Music. He's also putting the finishing touches on the soundtrack he wrote for an upcoming Vince Vaughn comedy. So basically, he's gone from zero to hero! Albeit when we say "zero" we mean "He was very well known abroad but here in America we had no idea who he was and that's all that really matters in the end anyway". You know. [Variety]

Delightful actress Kathryn Hahn is on the move. She's inked a deal to play a supporting role in James L. Brooks' high profile new comedy, and she's got a TV pilot in the works that'd she'd star in. Must be crazy to suddenly have it all coming together. It's like when we finally do laundry after weeks and weeks, and we just can't believe it finally happened. [THR]

A studio executive said: "Cher is Nolan's first choice to play Catwoman. He wants to her to portray her like a vamp in her twilight years.

"The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry's purring creations."

Riddle us this, Daily Telegraph: can casting rumors really commence before Nolan has even turned in his first draft? The British paper claims The Caped Crusader will start shooting in Vancouver early next year, another unlikely idea since Nolan has so effectively staked his Gotham City in Chicago. Still, the idea of Cher as Catwoman sounds just wild enough to work; we can't wait for Christian Bale to begin talking in his husky Batman voice only to receive a slap from an angry Catwoman, snarling, "Snap out of it!"

• Cher 'to play Catwoman' in next Batman film [Telegraph]

10. Gwyneth Paltrow, 2002
9. Angela Bassett, 1995
8. Rosanna Arquette, 1991

7. Sharon Stone, 1995
6. Geena Davis, 1992
5. Uma Thurman, 2004

4. Cher, 1988
3. JonBon Jovi, 1991
2. Corey Feldman, 1995

And a three-way tie for The Worst, just because they all make us cry:
Bjork, 2001
Celine Dion, 1999
Helena Bonham Carter, 1987

• OSCARS 08 [Official Site]

In today's episode: Cher, Matthew Perry, Natasha Gregson Wagner, and Alicia Silverstone; James Blunt; Drew Barrymore and Justin Long; Forest Whitaker; Felicity Huffman, Cherry Jones, and Sarah Paulson; Karl Malden; Mike Tyson; Famke Janssen; Dominic Chianese; Seth Green, Joel McHale and David Annable; Elizabeth Perkins; Alexis Bledel; Tom Colicchio; Carson Kressley; and Eric McCormack.

· Saw Matthew Perry and Alicia Silverstone (not together) circulating around the rooftop patio before the Frames went on stage at the Henry Fonda last night (9/6). A very petite Cher was with a group of people that included a gentleman who was a dead ringer for Kenny G. Chandler Bing, who looked a little rough, was with a lady who I believe was Natasha Gregson Wagner (not sure though). Didn't see them during the actual concert because it was so awesome, I had tunnel vision.

· 9/6 - saw matthew perry and james blunt at the frames show at the fonda. matthew must be a big fan cause he was at glen's swell season gig earlier last month as well. while he was introducing a song, glen was like "you just want to come back from tour, sit on the couch with your girl while drinking tea, watching Friends, you know?" i looked back and matt and his girl friend were cracking up. and at another point in the set, glen randomly half way through the song "star star" said "this song is for matt." i didn't look back to see if it was for him or not. he is, however, taller than i expected and seems to be aging well. he has kind of a rough look. ok i'm being gay. the end.

· Sep 5 - Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were spotted at Pace Restaurant in Laurel Canyon trying to meld into one being using only their tongues. Ah young love.

· Saw Forest Whitaker filming what I now know is Power Blue (thanks IMDB!) right next to my block on Hollywood Boulevard in the middle of the heat of Tuesday. He was dressed in a Santa outfit, which made me feel bad for him... but then I remembered he's probably getting a few million and his car probably has air conditioning. Dick.

· Went to grab a late lunch at Toast yesterday (9/5) and had just finished telling my companion that every time I go there, I see some celebrity (B or C List status mostly) when all of a sudden behind my back a flurry of activity breaks out. The clack of multiple camera shutters turn my attention to the curb behind me where a funny-hat wearing Kirsten Dunst stands hiding her face from a collection of paparazzo. Stating, "this never happens here," she was brought inside by a server to wait for her car to pull up and whisk her away. Upon getting her the getaway vehicle (face still covered) her little fan club takes off in chase. Sadly, my first reaction that the site of her snaggletooth was that it detracted from the deliciousness of my beloved tuner melt. Sigh.

· In a misguided attempt to beat the sweltering heatwave this weekend, a friend and I caught the Sunday, 5:30 pm screening of the Bourne Ultimatum at the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight. "Misguided" because we thought there would be air-conditioning. Other duped Arclight patrons included: Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives), Cherry Jones (Tony Award winner) and her girlfriend, Sarah Paulson (of the late Studio 60). Felicity wasn't nearly as thin as I thought she'd be, but if she packed on 10-15 pounds she'd definitely look more feminine (I hate myself for saying that because I really do love her). I also noticed Cherry Jones before I even recognized Felicity.

· Sep 5 - Holy god! KARL MALDEN IN THE HIZZY!

Just hackin' it up on my MacBook at the humble Coffee Fix in Studio City when Skag himself, KARL MALDEN comes in and gets himself a coffee and properly-pronounced croissant. Class act, that Malden.

· Another Privacy Watch, another obligatory Mike Tyson sighting. Saturday afternoon at around 4, (9/1/07) I saw the fearsome Iron Mike speaking to a couple of guys in front of one of those clothing stores on Melrose with one name (which is to say, all of them.) He looked a little chunky, but don't tell him I said that.

· Today 9/7 driving to work on Sunset Blvd. I was stopped at a light and look over to my shoulder and see a very attractive brunette woman driving a Prius in a white wife beater, also stopped at the light. It took me a second to realize it was the comic book movie vixen Famke Janssen.

Also on Wednesday at Cat N Fiddle, as I was walking out after my meal into the courtyard I spotted Dominic Chianese (Junior Soprano) seated and talking with some PYT in the corner. He's still pullin game, god bless his old man soul.

· Well....Bacara resort (in sassy Santa Barbara, actually Goleta for anyone paying attention) was the place to be on labor day weekend. I had lunch at the spa cafe between Seth Green (he's so tiny, he's almost troll status) and is ultra-skinny biatch girlfriend, who were dining and laughing their asses off with Joel McHale (Talk Soup Funny Guy who's a good 6'4") and his wife. Seth ordered the shellfish bouillbase, which my friends and I thought was funny considering the 100 degree plus heat, but Joel picked up the tab. On my other side was Dave Annable (Brothers and Sisters) who was rocking the shirt off, aviator shade look with a tall L.A. looking chick. We all exited at the same time, and Dave was definitely checking out every other girl in the place - classy! But Seth gave no props to Dave who kept looking at him to see if he knew 'he' was....it was hilarious to watch. Seth and his lady hugged it out with Joel and his wife, who then joined us at the Spa pool for a nice salt water swim. A fine way to spend an otherwise boring Monday afternoon!!!

· Thursday Sept. 6: There I was standing in line for my brie and apple panini at Aroma Cafe in Studio City, when the women in front of me in line turns around and I see it's Elizabeth Perkins a.k.a. Celia Hodes from Weeds! She was wearing a cute floor length sun dress and was totally sunburned, or rather, baked.

· Tues 9/4...Cruising west on Sunset, through Echo Park, when I spot Alexis Bledel (or her doppelganger) standing on the street with a couple of people. I can't for the life of me figure out what she was doing there, if it was her...it was a little too far east to be trendy.

· In town for business, I had three celebrity sightings in as many days.

First, Thursday, August 30: Tom Colicchio of Top Chef fame, at his new restaurant Craft in Century City. He was sporting the chef's coat and working in the kitchen, but came out and chatted with some fans. He is fitter in person and his eyes are absolutely piercing blue. He is just as cool as he comes across on television and his new restaurant is amazing.

Friday August 31: Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight guy, filming yet another reality television program at the Promenade in Santa Monica. This one apparently involves women with body self image issues. Carson was invented for television and couldn't have been nicer, but he seems Botoxed within an inch of his life.

Saturday, Sept 1: Eric McCormack from Will and Grace at LAX. Only slightly shorter than I would have expected, he was with his wife and son, both of whom are equally adorable. They sat on the floor, waiting for the flight to Vancouver, and kept to themselves. He has such a distinctive voice and a great smile.

[I]t's days like Halloween on which I think Ann wonders how she got from a journalism degree and two LA-area Emmys to a job that requires her to parade around in a Cher costume, exposing her bits (toned though they may be) in a spangly spandex jumpsuit while people across America gape in unsettled alarm. Not because there is anything wrong with her figure, but because this is Ann f'ing Curry, and America is not ready for their relationship with Ann f'ing Curry to get to this level.

And with that, we officially bid Halloween '06 adieu, and begin thinking of how Ann Curry can reveal her toned bits next year in a way that doesn't involve an accident with the sequin truck.