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A medical professional must have been on hand at the Chateau Marmont to keep popular silver screen star Kirsten Dunst from busting a gut. The Spider Man star was laughing uncontrollably at the antics of Mac pitchman and ex-flame of Drew Barrymore, Justin Long. Dunst was thoroughly impressed by Long's comedic culinary consumption antics, even going as far as to say that Long is way funnier than "that Charlie Chaplin dude." Long reveled in the attention, even going as far as to moonwalk a piece of chicken into his mouth.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

WE HEAR...THAT after Lindsay Lohan moved out of the Chateau Marmont, found among mounds of designer clothes in her suite were copies of the New York Post, a collection of worn-out BlackBerries, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

Were you expecting to read that the cleaning staff happened upon a forgotten two-pound bag of blow underneath one of those mounds of freebie clothes? Don't be ridiculous, she'd never be that wasteful—we're sure Lohan spent her last night as a Chateau guest clutching a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill, re-sniffing over every surface (coffee table, toilet tank, Gideon Bible, what have you) in that suite upon which she blew a rail, making sure that every last grain of powder was leaving with her.

• WE HEAR . . .[Page Six]

i was having dinner @ The chateau marmont thursday evening across from Ashley Olsen, selma blair and 2 of their girlfriends... they left the same time we did so we decided to walk out behind them so we could ask for a pic @ the valet outside... before heading down stairs ashley stopped at a magazine stand with selma and picked up the vanity fair with lindsey lohan on the cover. ashley and selma cracked some "cokehead" jokes, giggled, and then went outside. when we asked ashley for a pic, she said yes, and selma took it... the funniest thing is that we didnt recognize selma, and she seemed REALLY offended when SHE had to take the pic! hahaha...

No one should be too surprised by this beautiful scene from Hollywood's high school cafeteria, with two skinny Mean Girls (yeah, it needed to be said) picking the salad out of their teeth with the bones of a third. We'd love to see some retaliatory weave-yanking the next time they encounter each other at Privilege or Mood, but the most we're likely to get is some offended glares volleyed back and forth across VIP booths as a That 70s Show cast member hoots his "No she did-int!" approval.

Hotelier Andre Balazs is said to be considering selling storied Hollywood hotspot Chateau Marmount. We're told that British real-estate gazillionaire Mams Mesforoush has offered him upward of $45 million for the 67-room celebrity hangout. Mesforoush, who recently split with actress Lara Flynn Boyle, made the offer after Balazs reportedly turned down a lowball bid by members-only club Soho House. But a source close to Balazs told us, "The Chateau Marmount is not for sale."

We think the Chateau narrowly dodged a bullet with that Soho House takeover attempt; we've heard their patrons partake in illicit behavior and infidelities, two practices that simply would not fit in at the family-friendly Sunset Strip establishment. But coupled with reports that the hotel's independently managed Bar Marmont has just quietly shut its doors, we can't help but wonder what Balazs has in mind for the LA institution. The Grove 2? The image of the next John Belushi keeling over in a Cheesecake Factory booth just doesn't quite have the same Hollywood-myth magic to it.

UPDATE: An operative gives us the real deal on Bar Marmont's impending fate. It's after the jump.

Actually, Bar Marmont has not been closed for good. Its being "re-done" in a much needed nip/tuck to become relevant again. Andre Balazs hired (or transferred, as he was already working at another Balazs property) Standard Lounge General Manager Wendall to oversee the soon to be re-opened den of ill repute. Wendall has been seen canoodling in the hotel lobby bar on many occasions recently. As the hammers pound away right down the Hill.

So rest easy, Marmontniks. Your boite-away-from-home shall reopen its doors soon. And you won't have to sidestep a water fountain dancing to "That's Amore" to get to it!

• Tempting Offer [Page Six]

"When I came out here at 17, 18, staying at the Chateau with Jimmy Spader," he says, "there was this understanding that everyone went completely off their rockers for the weekend, then pulled together for the work on Monday. And there was something not very genuine about that, and I had no intention of adhering to that whatsoever. It's so funny to me," he adds, "so passé, the hard-partying movie stars and starlets — it's like demonstrating at a nuclear power plant that's already been shut down and turned to natural gas."

We think this Downey/Spader/Chateau set-up could become "The Aristocrats" of the bathroom stall scene. See, it's easy: "So there I was at the Chateau with a 17-year-old Downey and Jimmy Spader. Right in the middle of cooking up my spoon, a bellboy walks in. Spades and Bobby hold him down, he's screaming for his mommy, promising not to tell anyone what he's seen, but we're all in our third straight day without sleep, so I inject him right in the ass. Poor kid died in Downey's arms, and Spader spent the rest of the week parading around in nothing but the unlucky bastard's bellhop jacket, but the Chateau, they were cool about it. They told his family he drowned in the pool and mailed the body back to Peoria. Hey, that's drugs." We think this is really going to catch on.

• Spinning into control [LAT]