Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

First of all, let's eliminate a few. Out of Us Weekly's list of twelve star virgins, at least two are famously deflowered: the indefatigable Britney Spears and the formerly married Jessica Simpson. And though we can't be sure Gary Coleman has finally done the deed, we'd like to believe his wedding (and Al Roker's prodding) may have helped hasten things along.

That leaves us with nine star virgins, and three of those are the Jonas Brothers. Take them out of the equation, and you're left with six separate celebrities, all of whom (it may not surprise you to learn) are young and female. Yes, while we can't imagine that a reporter would ever ask, say, Phil of the Future if he'd given it up yet, apparently the world would fall off its axis if even one famous teen girl neglected to reveal the state of her hymen. Let's hear it for sexual stereotypes and pernicious double standards!

• Star Virgins [Us Magazine]

"We were dating, but were just friendly. I never f——d him or anything!" she told Usmagazine.com during a visit to our NYC offices last Thursday.

"The truth is," she added, "we really were friends the whole time."

She announced their split in April (they met in 2007 after he watched her perform).

After they called it quits, she said "he met someone very quickly and then they [got] engaged."

"I have had dinner with them, and she's a thousand times more appropriate!" she said. "I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I'm the Bruce!"

We doubt we'll be able to mask our disappointment that neither could satisfy one another in ways that might have ensured a lasting relationship, and who knows—maybe even some little Griffniaks down the line. Regardless of carnal knowledge, however, the bar has been set: If you expect to woo her, Miss Griffin demands nothing short of one billion dollars in liquid assets (that's what comes of learning your first husband took $72,000 out of your bank account in small ATM installments), upon which she'll gladly accept your offer for dinner, and generously overlook any obvious toupees that might have come along for the ride.

• EXCLUSIVE: Kathy Griffin: I Never Slept With Steve Wozniak [US Weekly]