Obama may be about to throw Van Jones overboard, but in somewhere out there, in an alternative universe, Charlie Sheen is striking back for the Truthers. In a breathtaking piece of fantasy journalism just posted on the web by the Two and a Half Men star, Sheen fleshes out his dream interview with the leader of the Free World in which he makes him confront the government's lies about the attack.

Sheen begins with an admirable piece of verisimilitude, in keeping with the mores of great fan fiction. Truly putting himself in the role of crusading journalist, Sheen swallows deep and reckons with the shackles placed on his imaginary profession:

I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation's history. The following is a transcript of our remarkable discussion.

The stage is set. The odds against Sheen are a bazillion-trillion to one. How in a mere 20 minutes will a sitcom star break down the most eloquent speaker and glibbest debater the world has ever seen. At first, it looks like Sheen's imaginary editors have sent him out on Interview Impossible.

The President attempts to charm Sheen with flattery, and then after conceding, of the 9/11 Commission that he was "aware of certain "in fighting" during the course of their very thorough and tireless investigative process," the slippery Obama attempts to swat Sheen away with snide air-quoted references to the "facts" contained in the volumes of research the star has brought along for their encounter.

On the ropes, Sheen gets up, stands on his feet and charges ahead into the lion's den, speaking shame to power.

PBO – Mistakes were clearly made but we as a people and as a country need to move forward. It is obviously in our best interest as a democratic society to focus our efforts and our resources on the future of this great nation and our ability to protect the American people and our allies from this type of terrorism in the coming years.

CS – Sir, how can we focus on the future when THE COMMISSION ITSELF is on record stating that they still do not know the truth??

PBO – Even if what you state, might in some capacity, begin to approach an open discussion or balanced debate, I can't speak for, or about the decisions certain commission members made during an extremely difficult period. Perhaps you should be interviewing them instead of me. Wait, don't tell me; I was easier to track down than they were?

CS - Not exactly sir, but let's be honest. You're the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the buck stops with you. 9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Your administration is reading from the same playbook that the Bush administration foisted on America through documented secrecy and deception.

From then on, there is no turning back as Charlie Sheen, hero fantasy reporter, parries the President with one fact after another, eventually withering him with his remorseless logic, presenting him with folder after folder of damning evidence, such as

Number 14; The size of a Boeing 757 is approximately 125ft in width and yet images of the impact zone at the Pentagon supposedly caused by the crash merely show a hole no more than 16ft in diameter. The engines of the 757 would have punctured a hole bigger than this, never mind the whole plane. Images before the partial collapse of the impact zone show little real impact damage and a sparse debris field completely inconsistent with the crash of a large jetliner, especially when contrasted with other images showing airplane crashes into buildings.

By then end, the President is virtually speechless, unable to respond to Sheen's incontestable evidence, he falls back on glib platitudes and limps out saying, "Well Charlie I can't say this hasn't been interesting. As I said earlier you've showed up today focused and organized. Regardless how I feel about the material you've presented, I must commend your dedication and zeal. However, our time here is up."

Truth has been told to power. But the walls of an empire will not come crashing down after just one imaginary interview. It will take thousands of imaginary interviews by celebrities, tens of thousands even, before power will look truth in the face and say, "Wow, Dude consider me skooled."

Celebrating with the action star is Danny DeVito (pictured with a glass of his signature limoncello), and, for some reason, Charlie Sheen, who ordered the restaurant's signature appetizer of fried mozzarella, "Only could I sub the mozzarella with that waitress with the big tits?" [Eater LA]

"It's coming back for another season," Richards told Us at the Panasonic Lounge at the Passion for Pink luxury suite in L.A. on Tuesday.

"We start filming in a few months," Richards said.

Asked if she has any well wishes for ex husband Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller, who are expecting their first child together, Richards told Us: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

We, also, hope to one day get to a "place" regarding Richards, only it is a place where we can stop commenting, on account of a cancellation that sticks. Until that day comes, we can do little but huddle around a flickering light of blue flame, rubbing our hands together for warmth as an unstoppable, unkillable Denise putters around her house, occasionally chirping, "It's so fun to have a spa day with your girlfriends!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Denise Richards: Reality Show Renewed! [Us]

"The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode," a source told The Insider yesterday. "But the audience has dropped off. "

What, now, will we turn to when our desire to see celebrities coax masturbatory fantasies out of their nephews goes unslaked? You gave it your best shot, Denise — but unlike your character in The World is Not Enough, it looks like Christmas won't be coming early this year.

[photo credit: AP]

• DENISE SHOW IS CANCELED [NY Post]

Sheen's bump was the sharpest by far, according to the report, which also noted a measly 10% jump for Simon Cowell, whose American Idol duties now nab him an even $50 million per year. CSI star Petersen went up $100,000 per episode since 2007, while Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay ($400,000) and Closer star Kyra Sedgwick ($275,000) were the top earners among women on network and cable TV respectively. Congrats to them. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen makes $800,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men.

Oprah still made more money than God, with her production company as a whole generating $385 million in revenue in 2007 (up from $260 million in '06) and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane bringing up the rear among moguls with a $100 million deal guaranteed through 2012. And did you hear about Charlie Sheen? $800,000 per episode? For Two and a Half Men? Is this the same Two and a Half Men with Jon Cryer and that kid? The cringeworthy one? Also in syndication? Just making sure.

$800,000. Is that, like, in pesos?

• TV STARS' SALARIES: WHO EARNS WHAT? [TV Guide]

If you've had the great pleasure of catching an episode of Denise Richards' star vehicle, It's Complicated, or watching one of her many defensive "I'm A Good Person, Not A Sperm-Stealing Slut" promotional appearances, you may have noticed her quiet insistence on clearing up all those rumors that she stole Bon Jovi guitar hero Richie Sambora from former BFF Heather Locklear. Adding salt to Heather's wound is her assurance that the two weren't even friends — Richards told The View she just met Heather through shared ex and current pay-for-sex repeat offender Charlie Sheen. But Locklear's camp tells the NY Post that the blonde "has phone records that prove Denise was calling Richie while Heather was still married to him...Heather was such a good friend to Denise. She gave Denise clothes and offered her a shoulder to cry on...there are even photos in the press of Heather taking Denise out after she and Charlie split."

Well we're sold. If Heather says she has phone records, says she has pictures, and says she gave Denise actual clothes (since when does the husband get the wife's wardrobe in divorce court?), we don't need further proof. After all, Locklear told us "glamour is all about what you feel inside" in those L'Oreal spots, and truer words were never, ever spoken.

As for Hefner's wild bunch, TMZ reports that producers of everyone's favorite sunny and sparkly show best played on mute, The Girls Next Door, have found themselves in the middle of number one prostitute girl Holly Madison's and trailer park refugee Kendra Wilkinson's battling egos. Though mere (yawn) jealousy is at the center of the fight for Hef's Viagra-bolstered bedroom moves, we're confused about the reported "flying fur" producers are dealing with. Are wigs being torn off? Bikini wax remnants saved and thrust across the pool? We'll have to actually watch the damn thing to demystify that enigma.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• CLAWS OUT AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION [TMZ]
• DENISE'S 'REALITY' CHALLENGED [NYP]

Displaying the same take charge attitude that allegedly drove ex-husband Charlie Sheen into the arms of hookers dressed like cheerleaders, Richards gets Sabrina to admit that she should have returned the clothes in question. Denise then lectures them on learning to get along better and the importance of proper communication. Given the outstanding communication and problem solving skills that Denise and Charlie displayed during their divorce, one can only applaud the E! network's appreciation of irony.

• Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis. [...]

Richards claims the [sperm donation] e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

While our knowledge of fertility-sciences is limited at best, we're almost positive that if Sheen's sperm is prostitute-tranny-infested, it's not necessarily a given that the resulting child would come out a hot mess. On the contrary—they could turn out totally fierce! (Unless, of course, Richards's egg is also prostitute-tranny-infested. Then the trannytute gene is dominant, and you're pretty much guaranteed a hot tranny baby mess.)

• FURIOUS DENISE RETURNS FIRE [NY Post]

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

But, "Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?"

In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen's hot sitcom, "Two and a Half Men," which "eventually will net her up to $25 million," the source said. [...]

With Richards' financial needs accounted for, the question remains: Why? Why subject herself and her children to constant, craftily story-edited observation when she could have just as easily have spared them the experience? Perhaps the show itself will provide the elusive answers, and so now, it's just a matter of waiting until Denise Richards: Yes, I Actually Exist—Kill Yourselves, Kill Yourselves Now premieres to scrutinize it for possible clues.

• SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL [NY Post]

• WATCH VIDEO

Apparently not entirely on top of his clients' current affairs as he should be, Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield issued a statement to the NY Post letting them know that "this is an old, old, old story. But, if you're looking for a really good story, I heard that Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are getting a divorce." As the RS story alleges, Sheen had been using Nici's services up until last year. So either Rosenfield has absolutely no idea what the article claims, or thinks the usage of "old" three times will make last year seem just as long ago as 1954. In addition to adding a few more gossip pages into his Google Reader, Rosenfield might want to consider how prophecies he once made to the American Journalism Review have come to fruition: "Freedom of the press doesn't mean you have to be vitriolic...but [the press], in their rush to be super-competitive, gave the control to us. Any power, eventually we're going to lose it."

[Photo credit: Splash]

• SHEEN STAYED HOT FOR HOOKERS [NY Post]

How does Rosenberg keep it all straight? The same way we do: One enemy at a time.

Take the rebel sect of SAG members including Bacon, Sheen, Sally Field and nearly 1,500 others, who last week petitioned leadership for "qualified voting" — kind of an Animal Farm-lite approach that would consolidate power among members who work more regularly than others. Variety's Dave McNary notes the proposal would likely have lessened the chance for a strike when the contract runs out June 30, and indeed, Rosenberg and Co. barely acknowledged the petition before passing it to what one dissenter called "the committee where things go die."

The SAG boss sought additional leverage over the weekend with a letter to his general membership, laying down the hard line for the negotiations launching Tuesday. Stop us if you've heard this one before:

"We have to negotiate fair payments for all new media formats to help us expand opportunities for middle class actors to get more work, just as the employers are expanding their opportunities to earn even more revenue," Rosenberg said. "We simply can't wait until this boat has sailed. We need to be on the boat—and it's leaving now."

Hence tomorrow's big march to the Port of Los Angeles, right? Well, not really. Both the DGA and striking WGA agreed in February that this "new media boat" was moored enough to settle for something a little less: Regular voyages through the studios' books as new media revenues take shape. Of course, the AMPTP has already put its own foot down emphasizing that's all SAG will get, and even big-shot attorney and DGA adviser Ken Ziffren came out with his own warning for Rosenberg:

"It's better right now to have access to the information that's needed to try to track the new-media industries and their business patterns. ... If the other guilds can understand that concept, then we can get back to work again in full force and follow the trends that the industry may take in new media. And so that is, to me, the major short-term issue and hopefully that will get resolved before June 30, or long before, if possible."

Translation: Please don't embarrass us in front of our membership by negotiating something juicier.

Anyway, assuming AFTRA doesn't come back to the table with SAG, we'd think Rosenberg would settle before AFTRA sits down with the studios April 28. Sure, he'll lose a whole two months of barking about a strike in the press, but it's either that or, as we mentioned a few weeks back, watch AFTRA usurp a share of SAG influence on the job market. And we doubt anyone at SAG wants to see that boat sail.

• SAG spurns proposal to limit voting [Variety]
• Rosenberg sends letter to SAG members [Variety]

The gorgeous Palm Beach native visited Sheen on the set of a Hanes commercial he was filming with Michael Jordan outside LA, and took pregnancy tests in his trailer, says one insider. "She would throw them out in the garbage on set and place them right on top . . . everyone could see the sticks," said our spy, who added Mueller would walk around showing off her "enormous" yellow diamond ring to the crew.

While the honor of best Bondette went to Ursula Andress for her portrayal of Honey Ryder in Dr. No, we are shocked (shocked!) that Halle Berry didn't find her way into either the Best or Worst Top Ten List. How soon the Bond nerds forgot the way Halle worked that orange bikini! And as for Denise's misfortune, we place the blame squarely on the shoulders of World's casting directors Debbie McWilliams and Harika Uygur. While many dudes paid good money to see Denise take on the challenging role of a bi-curious high school student with a penchant for popping her top, casting her in the role of a nuclear physicist probably wasn't the greatest decision you ever made.

• DENISE RICHARDS VOTED WORST EVER BOND GIRL [Daily Mail]

Sheen arrived at the Los Angeles courthouse with his attorney, while Richards' legal camp participated by phone.

But even though the public was shut out of this latest round, a source familiar case says that, despite Sheen's objections, a court commissioner greenlighted Richards' plans for a reality show featuring her and Sheen's two daughters, 3-year-old Sam and 2-year-old Lola.

There are unspecified ground rules, a source said, but otherwise Richards was "very happy."

While details of the reality show are being kept under wraps until the logistics are ironed out in family court, some have already been leaked, and we strongly suspect that A Shot at Love with Denise Richards and Her Two Demi-Orphans As a Result of their Sex-Addict Father Running Off to Follow His Cheerleader Orgy Dreams and Falling For the Trampy Love of His Life in the Process could be exactly the bisexual dating competition the Oprah Winfrey Network needs to really kick things off in high style.

• Charlie Can't Touch Denise's Reality? [eonline.com]

To honor Sheen's contribution to the show's continuing success, Var has compiled an impressive chart of his most notable on-screen conquests, a list that includes ex-wife Denise Richards in one of her rare employed moments, Jenna Elfman bravely playing against type as a "crazy chick," and a transgendered Chris O'Donnell in his most sexually complicated role since Batman & Robin.

• CHARLIE'S ANGELS [Variety]

Sheen also knows something about this subject. A few years back, we're told, he bought a $6,000 anatomically correct latex girl dressed in a cheerleader's outfit. According to an insider, Sheen was quite open about the doll — even bringing it to the set of his old show "Spin City."

But then came the night when, according to our source, Sheen tried to get two female party companions interested in a foursome with the bouncy cheerleader.

"They couldn't stop laughing at him," says the snitch. "Charlie got so mad that he ran the girls out of his house. Then he took a meat cleaver and chopped one of the doll's hands off. He and his bodyguard tried to dispose of it, like it was a real body. They wrapped it in a blanket and drove around in the middle of the night till they found a Dumpster."

It's impossible not to compare Sheen's story to the upcoming Ryan Gosling vehicle Lars and the Real Girl; unfortunately for the actor's dead-eyed, pigtailed companion, however, his cold-hearted friends refused to come together and treat his doll like a member of their family to help him through his emotional crisis, instead making him feel ashamed of his new girlfriend. But Sheen's tale is not completely devoid of uplift; in the end, he did learn he could depend on them to help him dispose of the body when he figured out the relationship didn't have long-term potential.

• Charlie Sheen mines own scandalous past for humor [Rush & Molloy]
• Previously: Charlie Sheen Hate E-Mails To Denise Richards Reveal A Fondness For Words 'Jobless' and 'Pig' [Defamer]

Sheen, who spent his early years partying hard and bedding a bevy of actresses, doesn't remember getting some of the gruesome tats, including a dragon with glasses and a stingray on his left ankle.

A wooden sign nailed to his chest above his heart reads, "Back in 15 minutes." That one was originally meant to be an ashtray, he said, but went horribly wrong. Sheen can't even remember the year he got it. One tattoo he's already had lasered off is the "Denise," for ex-wife Denise Richards, on his left wrist.

Before he gets to those others, however, Mueller insisted the technician first attend to the the USC Junior Varsity pep squad team photo tattooed on his inner-thigh, and the pig dressed like an adorable hobo on his lower back—the result of Sheen getting liquored up one night after a particularly ugly day in family court, wandering into a random Sunset Strip tattoo parlor, and demanding a "jobless pig above my ass, in honor of Denise."

• STAIN REMOVER [NY Post]

On Aug. 22, Sheen wrote to the mother of his children: "You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and, um, oh yeah, sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [expletive] yourself, sad, jobless pig."

That's not all. In other e-mails, Sheen ridicules Richards' mother, who is undergoing treatment for breast cancer. "Go cry to your bald mom, you [expletive] loser," Sheen writes. [...]

[Nanny Diana Alvarez] swears in her declaration that she received this text message from Sheen: "The girls won't remember you or even care about you. You couldn't have done worse if you tried. Thank God they'll no longer be exposed to someone SO WEAK. Go have a kid of your own. Maybe that way you'll stop ... confusing the fake kids for a real one. Oh, but that might take some guts. Something you so obviously lack with hopeless vacuity."

Sheen's Baldwinian language seems almost unfathomably callous; but as divorce survivors can attest, a contentious split can cause both parties to do and say things that are completely of character. It's only when pointing out one's former spouse's loser qualities no longer holds the thrill that it once did that they may find themselves going after peripheral targets, like cancer-suffering mothers-in-law and child-coveting housekeepers.

• Exclusive: Inside Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards' Divorce [foxnews.com]