Because this case involves special circumstances of including multiple victims, the penalty is a mandatory life sentence. Jon will be eligible for parole in 67 years. [Bold ours.] Jon’s attorney Leonard Levine said he would appeal the verdict.

Jon faces still more charges in New York and Texas. A spokeswoman for the district attorney said Jon is likely to be extradited to New York first.

We suppose this is the part where we say something insightful and/or pithy about the ruling, but to be complete honest with you, we're kind of blown away right now. He's going to be extradited to two more states to face the rape charges on top of the 16 he's just received a life sentence for. For lack of anything more to say than, "Holy shit," we guide you now to his still functioning official web presence—a site we once described as marrying the best qualities of circa-1997 wedding-DJ promotional literature with the finest UFO-suicide-cult website design—where you can peruse happier times in this Gallery of Me with Famous Ladies I Never Raped.

• BREAKING NEWS: ANAND JON CONVICTED - LIFE IN PRISON [WaxWord]

The breakdown goes as follows:
· $3,500 – Assistant to apply patented Leatherman B-Gone Spray
· $4,000 – Sweat shop worker to custom make a 6-week supply of Chuck Taylors
· $5,000 – Blogger to ghost write for Huffington Post
· $7,500 – Joan Cusack impersonator to act as security blanket
· $10,000 – Lili Taylor
· $20,000 – On-set shrink to help deal with recently developed scorpion-in-crotch phobia

After canceling production, Intermedia has since sent an olive branch to Cusack in the form of a trench-coat wearing PA, whose elevated iPod serenaded him with the sounds of Peter Gabriel. The PA was last seen running down the PCH being chased by a homicidal paper boy.

• John Cusack: You Played Me, Now Pay Me [TMZ.com]

1. Chuck Norris didn't care enough. We already know that Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson did their parts to reinforce Snipes's character as zero hour. But what did Chuck Norris do besides simply lend his name to his karate-school business partner's half-assed statement of support?

Chuck Norris admires and respects Wesley Snipes which is why he has used him in two of his Total gym infomercials. We, in the martial arts, say making mistakes is how you learn to go forward and be a better person.

It's also how you get your ass kicked in Chuck Norris movies and federal court.

2. Judge Joe Brown is no substitute for sound legal counsel. TV Judge Brown was another of the allies mined for sentencing support, offering to his colleagues on the bench this acknowledgment:

If I might be indulged by pointing this out, your defendant is a person possessed of an enormous appeal to today's youth. In this context, he is uniquely capable of having a very positive impact upon them with the positive message of duty and obligation that he has consistently urged upon and for them. I would propose to you that he should be permitted to persue [sic] such aims with as little penal encumbrances as is [sic] possible and appropriate.

Everybody knows that "today's youth" neither A) watch Wesley Snipes films nor B) pay enough taxes for the IRS to "persue" their own prosecutions. What Snipes needed was a massive fruit basket from Judge Judy and/or a glowing Raymond Burr himfuckingself to come down from heaven and sonorously intone, "Do not imprison this fine, noble, beautiful young man." Now that's a defense.

3. When bribing the judge with $5 million, use small, untraceable bills — not checks. According to a report in the Ocala Star-Banner, defense attorney Daniel Meachum "deposited three envelopes containing $5 million in checks with the judge." The symbolic gesture was meant to suggest Snipes was ready to pay up. Alas, the checks were payable to the US Treasury and not "Hon. William Terrell Hodges." Thus the judge declined, and mere hours later Snipes was up the river for three years. Whatever happened to briefcases full of cash dropped casually in the judge's chambers? I mean, it's Florida — they stole a presidential election. Maybe Snipes needed to be made an example of after all.

• Movie Stars Can't Save Wesley Snipes From Prison [US News]

• Actor Wesley Snipes sentenced to 3 years in prison [Ocala Star-Banner]

Leatherman, who a sheriff's spokesman characterized as a "transient in the Santa Monica area," was brought in for investigation of stalking, violating a restraining order and petty theft, and was held at $150,000 bail. In the past, she has thrown missives accompanied by rocks and screwdrivers into Cusack's home, begging the question: Had Lloyd Dobler given Diane an aerial onslaught of tools instead of his heart, would he have gotten a trip to the pokey instead of a pen?

• Woman Arrested Near Cusack's Home [AP]

There are three allegations: - Conversion - Taking the GMC White Yukon Denali (owned by Nigro) without the owner's permission. - False Imprisonment - Not allowing the men to get out of the car (except Blake who jumped out) - Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress - Intentionally causing the men to fear for their lives by driving erratically and while under the influence.

While the attorney left open the possibility of a settlement (a stance that may have been adopted because of the withering interrogation by AH reporter Shaun Robinson: "How do you prevent your clients from coming off as serious opportunists? For them to be in a car with her, for many people it says something about their character."), we expect that Lohan's counsel will quickly launch a counteroffensive, threatening to bring charges of "forcibly dressing a vulnerable addict in coke-pants" in hopes of getting the Denali Three to back down from their brazen attempt at cashing in.

You might think that a person who's made a living as a comedienne might have a sense of humor about making an unauthorized cameo as a part-time janitor in an adult bookstore on a popular primetime cartoon series, but, of course, you would be so very, very wrong. A lawsuit filed yesterday reveals that Carol Burnett is suing Fox for the impressive variety of slights Family Guy writers managed to cram into a throwaway gag that lasts just a few seconds—they're nothing if not ruthlessly efficient in their kitchen-sink approach to comedy—on a recent episode of the series, like the misappropriation of her Charwoman character (kids, ask your grandparents!) and her show's theme song, and for turning her signature ear-tugging into something predictably filthy. The cost of Family Guy's "Hey, look, it's Carol Burnett cleaning up after some messy onanists!" bit, if her lawyers get what they want? Over $6 million. Please take a moment to review the above clip of the episode to be better informed about the offenses cited in this explosive legal proceeding.

• Carol Burnett v. "Family Guy" [TSG]
• Family Guy Pornoslavia [YouTube]
• Family Guy [Fox]

"Paris regrets the entire event," Mintz told PEOPLE. "She had never been arrested before, so to go through the police procedure was very disorienting for her. It was personally humiliating for her; she is not taking it lightly or frivolously."

No one should expect anything else than a very well-publicized, nominal fine and accompanying probation, but we can still hold out hope that the judge has a sense of humor; we can think of no better punishment than requiring that all of Hilton's cars be equipped with Breathalyzer ignition systems, so that each time she decides to drive home following a night out at Hyde, her attempt to blow-start her vehicle will be captured by a TMZ video camera.

• Paris Hilton Charged with DUI [People]
• Previously: Paris Hilton's Drive-Thru Charity [Defamer]

Perelman allegedly grabbed two women's buttocks and punched one of them in the face at Rain Ultralounge & Sushi Bar, 112 Washington St., according to police. He was arrested early last Saturday and released on $5,000 bond for a court appearance next week.

Perelman's attorney, Paul Callan of Manhattan, yesterday said he had not seen official court documents about the allegations, but that the case involves "minor, misdemeanor charges" stemming from a barroom scuffle.

Perelman intends to plead not guilty and looks forward to being exonerated, his attorney said.

"Vadim adamantly denies being involved in any kind of a sexual assault," Callan said. "My understanding is . . . there were a large number of people crowded together . . . so it was a confusing situation involving a barroom scuffle, and there was never any intent by Vadim to touch anyone inappropriately."

The story has more details on how the "scuffle" unfolded, but it seems like any bar fight so ugly that a director accidentally punches an underage girl in the face and unintentionally winds up touching a pair of asses really could have benefited from the involvement of an experienced stunt coordinator. We're sure Perelman's next brawl with the Connecticut locals will be a more elegantly choreographed affair, not another amateurish, chaotic blur of flying fists and randomly grabby hands.

• Film director charged after incident in SoNo [GreenwichTime.com]

• Mel Gibson arrested for DUI [AP]

That description isn't sitting well with several of the other producers of "Crash," including the film's director and co-writer Paul Haggis, Mark R. Harris and co-writer Bobby Moresco, who have joined in a lawsuit against Lifetime demanding that the tagline be removed from billboards, radio ads and other promotional materials. [...]

"We are asking for this to stop. It's just not correct," said celebrity attorney Richard L. Charnley, who filed the lawsuit in Santa Monica Superior Court on Wednesday seeking a temporary restraining order and preliminary injunction against the network's use of the description. He said the network has gone "out of its way" to leverage Nunan's involvement in "Crash" while also diluting the value of future projects being developed by Haggis, Harris and Moresco.

A settlement in the dispute aimed at imposing greater specificity to the credit could result in some kind of absurd compromise, like new ads altering the line to read "from some of the producers of Crash," or "from two members of the Crash team who made a lot of phone calls, but not from the guy who wrote and directed it or his two pals." And while we hate to take sides in such matters, we do see Haggis' point in seeking legal remedy: He really can't risk executives in this town thinking that he'd waste his heavy-handed magic on a Lifetime series when bigger players are still hungry for his hacky, obvious gifts.

• 'Crash' fight moves to the small screen [LAT]
• Previously: The 'Crash' Lawsuits: Yari Vs. Schulman Vs. The Whole F'ing System [Defamer]

• Cameron Diaz Wins Suit Over Topless Photos [AP]
• Previously: The Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial: Conviction! [Defamer]

Seventies teen idol Leif Garrett was charged this morning with possession of heroin after his arrest in the Pershing Square subway station over the weekend. [...]

Garrett, 44, was being held without bail because he was also detained on a bench warrant for allegedly violating the terms of his probation for a previous offense, Los Angeles County sheriff's and district attorney's officials said.

According to deputies, Garrett was detained after he was found to be without a ticket to ride the rail system. A check turned up suspected narcotics and the warrant for his arrest, officials said.

Garrett was booked and assigned to the jail Sunday.

It seems the "human dumping ground" that is downtown LA has now widened its membership guidelines to include ex-pin-up boys wasted by the effects of their all-consuming horse habits. We can only pray that others avoid a similar fate; the last thing we need to see when cracking open the morning paper are the drug-ravaged faces of the non-Justin Timberlake members of 'NSYNC, cuffed and spread-legged against a cop car in their last public bit of synchronized choreography.

• Former Teen Idol Garrett Charged With Heroin Possession [LA Times]
• Former teen idol Leif Garrett in LA jail [Reuters]

A state judge has lifted a restraining order granted to a Santa Fe woman who accused talk-show host David Letterman of using coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host.

Judge Daniel Sanchez on Tuesday granted a request by lawyers for Letterman, host of CBS' "Late Show," to quash the temporary restraining order that he earlier granted to Colleen Nestler. [...]

Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.

She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came near her, "I will break their legs" and establish proof of her allegations.

There is a silver-lining to this rather unpleasant bit of celebrity-fan interaction: The unpredictable, zany Nester has been tapped to replace Q-rating deficient Craig Ferguson as the new host of The Late Late Show, with CBS hoping its new "Letterman/ Individual who could well do harm to Letterman" late night comedy block being just the programming gimmick to finally unseat ratings champ Jay Leno.

• Restraining Order Against Letterman Tossed [ABC News]
• Previously: David Letterman Ordered To Stay 3 Yards Away From Psychotic Fan [Defamer]

Undercover detectives posing as drug dealers launched the first phase of a new LAPD crackdown on skid row's massive drug marketplace Thursday by arresting 14 buyers, including a Hollywood actor.

The undercover officers masqueraded as street dealers in scruffy clothing as they lured unsuspecting buyers to purchase balloons filled with fake heroin along Spring and 6th streets.

The officers made an arrest about every 5 to 10 minutes, yelling "Cancel Christmas" as a signal to uniformed officers to move in and make the arrest.

Among those held on suspicion of felony attempted possession was actor Brad Renfro, who has appeared in such films as "The Client," "Apt Pupil" and "Ghost World."

With a giant photo of his drug arrest splashed across the front page of the LAT, it appears Christmas has indeed been cancelled for Renfro this year there will be no needles, pine or otherwise, no stockings tied off with care, no blissfully induced sugar plum visions. You're a mean one, Mr. Bratton.

• Skid Row Drug Sting Nets 14 [LAT]

The 35-year-old actor said in an e-mail Tuesday that his mother knows Melvina McClain, who is serving a 30-year-old sentence for shooting Detective Louis Glenn in a bar in 1986, and that she "believes in her entirely."

Hawke's e-mail described McClain as "a woman important to my family."

McClain, who worked as a city parking violations officer, has claimed that Glenn assaulted and threatened her during their relationship. [...]

In the letter, Hawke asked that McClain's sentence be commuted "so she can live the last years of her life helping her children, her grandchildren and many others learn from her example of redemption."

No response yet from Codey, but once he takes a close look at the compelling body of evidence everything from Hawke's charming, romantic patter of Before Sunrise, to his gripping turn as a rookie cop in over his head in Training Day, we imagine the acting Governor's only choice will be to use his clemency power to right a woman wronged.

• Hawke Seeks Clemency for N.J. Murderer [AP]
• Previously: Snoop To Arnold: Let My Tookie Go [Defamer]

Late last week, a Santa Fe District Court judge signed a temporary restraining order against talk-show host David Letterman alleging he has tormented a city resident for more than 10 years by using code words on his television program.

Now lawyers for Letterman are asking District Judge Daniel Sanchez to quash the unusual order on the grounds the complaint by Colleen Nestler is without merit, according to a motion filed Tuesday.

In the application for the restraining order, which was filed Thursday, Nestler alleges that between May 1994 and now, Letterman forced her to go bankrupt and caused her mental cruelty and sleep deprivation.

Nestler s application was accompanied by a typed, six-page, double-spaced letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and eye expressions to convey his desire to marry her and train her as his co-host . Her story also involves Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford and Kelsey Grammer, whom Nestler says either supported or attempted to thwart her relationship with Letterman, according to the letter. [...]

Then, three days before Thanksgiving in 1993, Letterman asked Nestler to be his wife during a televised teaser for his show when he said, Marry me Oprah, Nestler wrote in the letter.

Oprah had become my first of many code names, she wrote. ... (A)s time passed, the code-vocabulary increased & changed, but in the beginning things like C on baseball caps referred to me, and specific messages through songs sung by his guests, were the beginnings of what became an elaborate means of communication between he and myself.

Judge Sanchez refuses to comment on why he signed the petition, and Nestler offered no reasons as to why it took 12 years for her to file it. We think it's safe to assume, however, that Oprah's recent guest appearance must have been the culprit, throwing Letterman's obsessor into a tailspin of torment when she realized she wasn't the only special lady code-named Oprah in his life.

• Letterman lawyers: End Santa Fe claim [The New Mexican]
• Previously: Oprah Vs. Letterman: Clash Of The Titans [Defamer]

Francis has made a fortune persuading young women to bare their breasts for the camera. He testified Monday that Riley broke into Francis' Bel-Air mansion Jan. 22, 2004, pulled a gun and forced him to pose for a demeaning videotape. Francis said Riley threatened to distribute the video unless Francis paid him $300,000 to $500,000.

By way of review, the video in question features the accused Darnell Riley forcing Francis onto a bed while saying, “I’m not a fag, but I am going to make the owner of Girls Gone Wild look like a fag. I am going to put this on the Internet and make money,” and the horrifying, threatened use of a pink sexual aid on a sensitive body cavity. And as if the coming Joe Francis Blackmail Video Trial of the Century didn't have enough sensational elements already, Francis and Paris Hilton, whom Riley also allegedly extorted over the release of a stolen sex tape, are locked in a catty he-said/she-said war of words (through her supposedly contradictory police interview, but still) about whether or not they were ever boyfriend and girlfriend. If we were Francis, we'd be slightly less ashamed of that alleged, brief relationship with the dildo.

• Alleged Extortionist of 'Girls Gone Wild' Creator to Stand Trial [LAT]
• Previously: One Night In Francis: The Deflowering Of A Soft-Core King [Defamer]
• Joe Francis Case Penetrates LA Times [Defamer]

KITV quoted court and police documents that said Rodriguez was "very argumentative" and kept interrupting the officer who was explaining drunk driving sanctions to her.

"I don't (expletive) belong here! Why don't you just put a gun to my head and shoot me! You've already taken my freedom! You might as well take my life too!" she said, KITV reported Friday.

The officer who took Rodriguez in a police car to the Kailua substation quoted her as saying "Just take my car and I'll walk all the way to the North Shore but don't leave me in the back of this car poppie."

It's hardly surprising Rodriguez, in her moment of desperation, fell back on the fearless, in-your-face persona that made her a star in the first place. But next time, and we have no doubt there will be a next time, she will definitely have to raise her trash-talking martyr game to outdo this performance, perhaps by threatening to shave her head and submit herself to a Honolulu public square stake-burning should she not follow the voices of God telling her to get behind the wheel after 14 vodka tonics.

• Previously: Michelle Rodriguez: Swerving Through Life In The Fast Lane [Defamer]
• Lost Stars Found Drunk [Defamer]