Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.

Instead of swaddling with Shiloh-approved People, both stars stuck deals with OK! Magazine, which means they're now lumped in with potentially crazier, certainly white-trashier babies like Maddie Briann Aldredge. How embarrassing. And while the deal makes more sense to red-neck-empathizer McConaughey, the move is far more surprising for the higher-maintenance Alba, whose baby's name is Honor.

Of course, when dealing with all matters of the heart, these celebrities turn to their accountants to make the decision for them. And it's a good thing McConaughey did, otherwise he'd end up perhaps classier, yes, but even worse, poorer:

His publicist, Alan Nierob, begged him not to work with [OK!] because he’s considered an A-lister. But Matthew hired money man Todd Shemarya, who brokered the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $4 million People deal."

And because of the deal, wombanizer McConaughey will reportedly receive $3 million for the first pictures of little Wrangler Levi. But alas, Alba will receive only $1.5 million, giving her yet another reason to hate everyone and everything around her. As she wipes little Honor's bottom with $10 dollar bills (baby wipes chafe!), she at least can take solace in knowing that her baby's photo will still fetch more than anyone's baby in Kansas ever will.

And where will Baby's First Millions go? Shirts and an indoor gym for daddy? Acting lessons and attitude checks for mommy? Therapy? The possibilities are endless! Luckily for us, for the next 30 years, we'll all be able to read the latest and breaking news on Levi and Honor from OK! Magazine. Imagine if Honor becomes a lovely, smiling joy? Or Levi, a buttoned-up, sober politician? My god, the horror.

• Matthew McConaughey Sells Baby Pictures For $3 Million [Fametastic]
• Baby Alba Cashes In [TMZ]

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)
OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)
Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)
Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)
In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Interesting Katie Holmes did not have her silent birth at home — she had her baby at Cedars right next to the room where Brooke Shields gave birth to her baby today.

We find this a little hard to believe, but if true, Team Cruise pulled a masterful misdirect in attracting a mob of paparazzi to his compound. With the ravenous tabloid media distracted, they could then carry on their secretive business at celebrity-friendly Cedars Sinai St. John's*, where the couple could buy an unclaimed baby ("which one looks like a 'Suri' to you, Kate?") from the nursery in relative privacy.

*UPDATE: The hospital story wasn't as tinfoil-hatted as we assumed, as Us Weekly says that both babies were born at St. John's in Santa Monica.

• Brooke Shields Has Another Baby Girl [AP]
• Silent Blockbuster: Tom Cruise's Miracle Baby Finally Arrives [Defamer]