Since producers for Speed-the-Plow lacked star insurance for the bolting Piven, the Actor's Equity hearing is their best chance to receive financial remuneration as well as really, really hurt Piven's feelings in public. And hurt them they shall! Producers have already forced Piven to take a blood test administered by someone other than his musclebound teevee doctor, and Piven will have to present the results as well as a comprehensive detailing of his illness to the committee, comprised of five actors and five producers.

That there is the tricky part, as producers are expected to counter with a log (supplied by Piven's driver) that shows how much late-night partying the supposedly ailing actor engaged in, says the Post. But who needs a driver's log when we have a full assortment of paparazzi photos and tabloid stories that place Piven out and about? Here's a mere sampling of his reconstructed nightlife schedule, put together after a perusal of Getty Images:

October 3: Speed-the-Plow begins preview performances
October 13: Piven attends Filth and Wisdom after-party
October 20: Piven attends Rangers game
October 23: Speed-the-Plow opens, Piven attends late-night after-party
November 5: Piven attends Domenico Vaccas party
November 16: Piven hosts cocktail party to benefit The Piven Theatre Workshop
December 2: Piven crashes Britney Spears's birthday party
December 3: Piven attends celebration for the Capsule Line with Common and Softwear by Microsoft (whatever that is)
December 8: Piven attends after-party for The Wrestler
December 17: Piven bails on Speed-the-Plow

And that log barely scratches the surface of the actor's comprehensive model-corralling. Still, despite Piven's impending peril, at least he can shoehorn a dramatic, Emmy-grabbing storyline into Entourage where he bravely rouses Vince from a Broadway-induced deathbed, then prescribes a recuperative diet of 22-year-olds clad in Kitson baby tees.

• PIVEN'S POISONAL PLEA [NY Post]

TMZ reporters have taken time out of their busy Octomom-stalking schedule to post the picture in question.

How did the site get their hands on such a sensitive, unauthorized picture? That's exactly what the LAPD is attempting to find out by launching an internal investigation; their official statement on the matter is posted on...TMZ, natch.

• Rihanna — The Face of a Battered Woman [TMZ]

At the request of the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office, the R&B star is being investigated for a variety of felonies, including domestic violence, assault resulting in great bodily injury and—based on specific allegations made by Rihanna—even attempted murder, a source close to the L.A. Police Department's investigation tells E! News.

But as they build their case, the source says, prosecutors fear that making any serious felony charges stick could prove difficult in a case where there are no direct witnesses other than Rihanna and Brown.

Reached for response, a mercifully flack-muzzled Terrence Howard responded, "Mmmmf mmffffffgh." Developing...

• Inside the Chris Brown Investigation: D.A. Wants Felony Evidence [E!]

Sam Moore filed suit today in Nashville, accusing the Weinsteins of raping and pillaging from his career performing with partner Dave Prater. The pair was adversarial to say the least, informing Samuel Jackson and Bernie Mac's own depraved duo on tour throughout America. Moore, however, says it wasn't quite that raw on the road, and either way, someone's needs to pay for his and Prater's implosive career models:

The lawsuit states that the movie "constitutes serious insult to Sam Moore's reputation, his talent, his legacy and his long-held personal views and beliefs" due to its "tawdry content."

It accuses the filmmakers of invasion of privacy, unfair competition and trademark dilution (although the complaint does not cite any evidence that Moore ever registered the "Soul Man" trademark). Moore seeks unspecified compensatory and punitive damages and asks the court to order the "recall and destruction of all infringing versions of the movie."

The Weinsteins — who already have A-list litigators David Boies and Bert Fields chewing on Lionsgate in their battle for Push — assigned their junior henchmen to this one. They dismiss Moore pretty much out of hand, and, as the report goes on to note, Moore's likely take-home from a mere $12 million grosser isn't enough to warrant a sweat on either side. But if he's anything like us, the "recall and destruction" clause sounds plenty appealing, leaving merely the opening and closing credits and Isaac Hayes's scenes. Harvey's scissor-hand needs exercise anyway. Justice delayed is justice denied.

• 'Soul Man' sues filmmakers for depicting him [Nashville Post]

While Superior Court Judge Peter Espinoza declined to dismiss the case outright with Polanski absent, he did acknowledge sharing the Oscar-winner's sense that "substantial misconduct" occurred during the trial 30 years ago. That misconduct was brought into relief over the last year by the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired; Espinoza set a May 7 date for his next hearing, at which time Polanski's attendance — "submit[ting] to the jurisdiction of this court," in his words — could hasten the dismissal he wants.

When asked by Polanski's lawyer what would happen to his fugitive client upon surrender, Espinoza declined to advise. Developing, as they say, but feel free at this point to cross Polanski off your surprise Oscar presenters list. Sorry.

• Polanski loses court bid but gets another chance [AP]

According to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun, the Iron Man star had a heated exchange with Lori McCommas over the phone, which led to him making threats on her safety:

According to a Whitemarsh Police Department report...the actor warned, "Don't disrespect me by hanging up on me or I'll come over and hurt you." McCommas then "hung up and contacted 911 fearing Howard was serious."

While McCommas was speaking with a police dispatcher, Howard "showed up at the victim's residence and began breaking the door down." McCommas ran to the rear of the house and into the backyard. Howard then "broke the front door down and ran through the screen door in the kitchen. Howard then grabbed the victim's left arm and punched her twice with a closed fist in the left side of the face."

The attack was broken up by Howard's brother, who responded to McCommas's house after he "saw Howard storm out of their house to go to the victim's house." When a Whitemarsh cop responded to the scene, Howard admitted, "I broke the door down and hit my wife." A second officer noted there was "fresh damage to the front door and marks on the victim's face and arm from being struck."

It's an indefensible crime, made no less excusable by Howard's indignant demands to know "how many times dp=o you have to remind them to refill the Wet Ones dispenser before they FINALLY LEARN TO LISTEN?!" as he was led away by Whitemarsh law enforcement in handcuffs.

• Terrence Howard's Fists Of Fury [The Smoking Gun]

At least, it would account for the statement Brown issues this weekend, a full week after his alleged beating of Rihanna occurred:

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."

We're surprised that Brown's high-powered, celeb-wizened attorney Mark Geragos didn't put out a statement sooner, but then, perhaps the Brown team was waiting for all the angry SuperPokes to hit critical mass first.

Those left bereft at Brown's apology can look forward to the one surely forthcoming from Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, who happily blathered on to TMZ paparazzi about how Rihanna must have provoked Brown's attack on her. Perhaps Siriano should have taken a cue from the formidably pissed Jay-Z, who surely chewed off the inside of his cheek while issuing understatements like, "I just think we should all support [Rihanna]," instead of what he really wanted to say, "Chris. Brown. Is. FUCKED. (Personally, by me, hopefully in the near future.)"

• Chris Brown Apologizes for Rihanna Attack [Us]

• Jay-Z on Rihanna: "I Don't Want to Go Into It" [E!]

• "Project Runway" Winner: Rihanna Had it Coming [TMZ]

A woman named Lucie J. Kim filed a class-action lawsuit Wednesday on behalf of "more than 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders who live in L.A. County," according to TMZ. The suit alleges that Miley "knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media," which thus makes her complicit in a civil-rights violation against those million claimants. Kim wants $4,000 per, putting Miley on the hook for $4 billion. That seems more than fair considering the international scope of her offense, a Hague-worthy lapse of judgment for which justice delayed is justice denied. Still, an out-of-court settlement seems probable, if only for the likely defense that Miley has suffered at least a half-billion dollars' worth of career trauma from Margaret Cho's devastating "Chinky Eyes" tribute alone. Developing...

• Asians Want $4 Billion From Miley Cyrus [TMZ]

TMZ has had a look at the arrest report, which confirms the rumor that a text messaged booty call began the fight:

After Chris received a text message from a woman who wrote about getting together, an argument erupted. By the way, initially, Rihanna would not tell cops what started the argument.

She did, however, tell them that during the argument, he started hitting her. According to the police report, she ordered him to drive her home and "faked a call" to someone, saying things like, "He's dropping me off. Make sure the cops are there."

Rihanna told cops the fake call enraged Brown. He said something to the effect of "You are really fu**ed up now. I'm going to kill you." This statement is the basis of the criminal threats charge.

At that point, according to the report, Brown allegedly began a violent attack with his fists. At some point, Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition and threw them outside.

And there's this. According to the police report, she told cops this was not the first time Brown hit her. She referred to it as an ongoing and escalating abusive relationship.

We're told the criminal threats charge is based on that one statement Brown allegedly made. As one law enforcement source told us, "It's kinda weak, and the D.A. is not going to prosecute a high profile case like this unless it's solid." That's why it was kicked back for further investigation.

Given the brutal nature of the attack, which the photos clearly show — contusions on the face, swollen eyes, cut lip, bloody nose, bite marks on fingers and arm — a felony domestic battery charge is virtually a done deal. That, however, is a less serious offense than making criminal threats.

If there was any chance that Brown's heretofore-clean record could ensure a misdemeanor battery charge instead of a felony, Rihanna's alleged history of abuse surely dashed it. Already, friends of Rihanna have told Us that they were spotting neck bruises on the singer back in December. Still, there's plenty of time for the investigation to continue and further charges to be brought (with Brown out on bail and allegedly holed up in Vegas, there's no rush). Developing...

• Weakness in Chris Brown Case — Prior Attacks [TMZ]

According to the NY Daily News, the two were leaving Clive Davis's pre-Grammy party when Brown's phone lit up:

"He got a booty call. He got a text. Rihanna saw it and she got upset. They started to argue. She got out of the car. He wanted her to get back in, so he grabbed her," the industry source said. "She pulled away. That's when she's told people he hit her."

E! has more—a lot more—about just what went down at that point, alleging that it's Brown who left the car:

Brown pulled his silver Lamborghini to the side of a street in L.A.'s Hancock Park neighborhood. That's when, per the source, Rihanna grabbed the car keys and tossed them out the window, sending Brown into a rage.

He tried in vain to find the keys, then came back to the car, put his hands around her neck and, according to the insider, said, "I'm going to kill you!"

According to the source, the 20-year-old "Disturbia" singer told police that she lost consciousness, and when she awoke, Brown had fled.

According to the source, her right eye was blackened and badly swollen and she had hand prints on her arms. The responding officers were so concerned about her, they drove Rihanna to the hospital in their squad car instead of waiting for an ambulance.

Finally the NY Post reports that Jay-Z is...well, let's just say that he's more than "a little concerned":

The hip-hop powerhouse, who rapped "99 Problems," was enraged when he heard that Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna, the R&B star whom Jay-Z discovered and mentored.

"He hit the roof," a source close to him told Us Weekly. "Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew."

Developing...

• Rihanna & Chris Brown fight started over text message from other woman [NYDN]

• Rihanna to Cops: Chris Brown Threatened to Kill Me [E!]

• JAY-Z'S 'RIHANNA REVENGE' [NY Post]

Though Rihanna is still in seclusion (with reports alleging she's being treated at Cedars-Sinai), TMZ has more details on the injuries Brown is alleged to have caused.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Rihanna's injuries were severe — two "huge contusions" which swelled up on both sides of her forehead. We're told she also suffered "a bloody lip and nose."

One of the law enforcement people put it this way — the contusions "look like an MMA fighter or something ... [It] looked like she was growing devil's horns."

MediaTakeOut, though, is citing sources close to Rihanna in its report that she is no longer cooperating with the investigation against her boyfriend:

Now MediaTakeOut.com can EXCLUSIVELY report that Rihanna does NOT want Chris Brown to be criminally punished for the alleged assault. According to an EXTREMELY reliable insider, Rihanna is NO LONGER assisting investigators in their criminal case against Chris Brown.

Unfortunately for Chris, that's probably not going to make the charges go away. Police claim that, on the scene of the incident, Rihanna identified Chris Brown as the man who assaulted her. Additionally, police have physical evidence. MediaTakeOut.com can OFFICIALLY CONFIRM that Rihanna's face and arm were severely bruised in the incident and Chris suffered from minor bruising as well.

There is some evidence in Chris' favor, however. For example, according to a MediaTakeOut.com reader on the scene, Rihanna did NOT call the police alleging that Chris assaulted her. It was a bystander that called 9-1-1. Shortly afterwards, the police arrived on scene and interviewed Rihanna.

So yes, in short: things are terrible.

• Rihanna Bloody and Bruised [TMZ]

• MTO EXCLUSIVE!!! RIHANNA REFUSES TO FILE ASSAULT CHARGES AGAINST CHRIS BROWN … OR COOPERATE WITH INVESTIGATORS!!! [MediaTakeOut]

TMZ issued a clarification of its earlier report that Brown is being investigated for assault with a deadly weapon, claiming that while the police report still cites that particular penal code, no actual weapon was involved (though as we noted earlier, a foot could be considered a deadly weapon). However, LAPD spokeswoman April Harding told E! that "there is absolutely no truth to that story. If it had been a deadly weapon involved, he would have been charged with a deadly weapons charge."

Still, the county DA says no evidence has been received, meaning the investigation is still ongoing. One upcoming point of contention could be the bite marks allegedly found on Rihanna's body. If the dental evidence pins the bites on Brown, and any flesh was removed, that could add up to an additional charge of "assault with intent to commit mayhem"—a felony. Still depressing, and still developing...

• Rihanna/Chris Brown — No Weapon [TMZ]

• Chris Brown Lowdown: Cops Continue Probe, Wrigley Halts Ads [E!]

Satriani is reportedly still upset about the British quartet's "Viva La Vida," which boasts a curiously similar melody to one of the guitar icon's '90s masterworks. The ensuing controversy — complete with fan-cultivated evidence and Coldplay leader Chris Martin's infamous "Moe Batriani" kiss-off — had subsided and was thought settled in Wanker Court or wherever such tussles are typically resolved.

But now we know Satriani, like a snake lurking in the tall, think awards-season grass, was simply priming his legal minions for a spectacular sneak attack. Behold — the Grambush:

[A]ttorney Howard King of King Paterno et al [...] claims that Coldplay has dodged being served, and that the Grammys are the easiest forum at which to strike while the iron is hot.

King says, "We have warned their British lawyers that we have hired a fleet of process servers lined up to dog the band everywhere they go this weekend in the hopes of serving them."

King even promises to have camera crews roaming around with the process servers to get the whole thing on tape.

Finally! A reason to watch the Grammys. Still, the strategy seems to entail a lot of work that could probably be consolidated into a single incident like the one that befell Bob Dylan in 1998, with the stage-crashing antics of "Soy Bomb" upgraded to involve four process servers with subpoenas painted in fine print on their bare chests. Either that, or Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift can lyrically duet the documents in the band's direction in a 10-minute awardscast filibuster. Either/or, we'll take whatever.

• Gwyneth's Hubby: Viva La Lawsuit [Fox News]

Here's the AP report—and really, every short paragraph is outrageously satisfying:

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case.

When the adult-video entrepreneur finally appeared in court Monday afternoon, he told the judge he was suffering from the flu. Francis' attorney Melissa Weinberger says U.S. marshals then handcuffed Francis and took him away.

Francis is accused of claiming more than $20 million in bogus business expenses on his corporate tax returns, including $3.8 million for a home in Mexico and $10.4 million in phony consulting services. He has pleaded not guilty to two counts of federal tax evasion.

The hearing was to consider a request from his tax attorneys to recuse themselves.

It looks as though that massive conspiracy cooked up cruel activist judges and breast-suppressing Illuminati finally paid dividends! Though Sundance buddy Kim Zolciak is surely donning her black wig on this dark day, we have a feeling that Samantha Ronson is nothing but smiles. Meet you at Bardot, Sam—drinks (and plastic water bottles) are on us!

• 'Girls Gone Wild' founder arrested in LA court [AP]

To recap: Sure, Polanski pleaded guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old, and he did a month and a half of jail time awaiting his sentence before dashing off to France, where he's lived as a fugitive since 1978. But after a 2008 documentary revealed some skeevy, untoward influence on the case's presiding judge (now deceased), the director and his attorneys sought a dismissal of the case. And whoever dismissed it, they argued, it shouldn't go through the still-tainted Los Angeles Superior Court, which insists Polanski return to make his case in person — which would at least temporarily land him back in the can, where child rapists are reportedly unpopular no matter how many Oscars they and their films have have won.

It was worth a shot, we guess — even his victim wants the whole thing thrown out — but the change of venue was blocked yesterday when an appeals court lifted a stay on the Polanski proceedings. A new hearing will be scheduled shortly, for now still requiring Polanski's personal appearance in front of a sure-to-be-sympathetic local judge. We recommend the director make the most of it, perhaps lining up a Feb. 23 court date, preceded by one of those surprise presenter berths at the Academy Awards the night before. Get on it, Bill Condon.

• Polanski loses bid to bar L.A. judges [Variety]

The question still remains, however: What happened? The brother of Mark Ruffalo, Scott was discovered unconscious in his apartment December 1, a bullet having penetrated the top of his head. Shaha Mishaal Adham, the "Saudi princess" at his apartment the night of the shooting, turned herself in to Beverly Hills PD on a warrant for attempted murder. She was released a week later, the same night Ruffalo died at Cedars. Her version of events was that the death was the result of a round of Russian Roulette, but the coroner dismissed that as inconsistent with their findings, and ruled it a homicide. We're not criminal justice experts or anything, but maybe they should bring the princess back in for some more questioning?

• Scott Ruffalo: Traces of Coke, Morphine and Alcohol [LA Weekly]

From E Online:

Senior Assistant Commissioner of Police Marvin Dames tells the Bahamas' Nassau Guardian that a document believed to be at the center of the case is a "refusal to transport" form, which is signed by a party "when refusing, for example, emergency medical services from trained personnel" in cases of minor injury and releases the paramedics from liability.

TMZ reports that "sources connected with the investigation tell us John Travolta told EMT workers he wanted to fly his son to Florida rather than drive by ambulance to the hospital....which was 45 minutes away."

Meanwhile, the cadre of baddies behind the plot—Mama Fratelli ringleader Sen. Pleasant Bridgewater and Sloth-like paramedic Tarino Lightbourne (former tourism minister Obie Wilchcombe has been cleared, but still seems slimy)—faced a judge today and were released on bail.

• Jett's Ambulance Ride at Center of Alleged Travolta Extortion Plot [E Online]
• Details in Mystery Travolta Extortion Doc [TMZ]