"My aunt had two babies in her arms, and she told my aunt, 'You can leave. You can go away,'" Bianca recalls. "I was really upset by that because my aunt and I are close."

When Bianca spoke up, Nikki turned to her and said, "'You need to mind your business. You don't know what’s going on.' She went off," the model says. "There was a lot of words exchanged. I got really defensive." [...]

"Before my mom could walk away from us, her father ... punched my mom," Bianca tells Banks. "He knocked her out. He hit my mom with such force she stumbled back, and when she stumbled back, the whole family got up and attacked my mom."

Bianca said Nikki then kicked her mother in the crotch.

"That's when my mom fell ... completely," Bianca says. "Both the families were arguing. It was like a scene out of a movie. Airport security finally came and separated everybody."

All the while, Bianca claims the Blonsky family were spewing racial epithets at them. "Her father and mother started saying, ‘They got rabies, they got rabies!'" says Bianca.

Again, the truth will come out in a laid-back Turks and Caicos court, probably one of those seaside numbers with a bartender named Pilar and stacks of complimentary towels. But even if Ma and Pa Blonsky were misheard attributing "rabies" instead of "babies" to Golden's aunt, we're fairly confident that a kick in our mom's vagina is not the kind of thing we're going to forget — especially when Mom reportedly goes to the hospital with "a broken nose, fractured skull and internal bleeding." There are any number of ways of interpreting it, of course — you can take the girl out of the Coldstone, but you can't take the stone-cold out of the girl, etc. etc. — but if we can't get these clans a deal to reboot Family Feud the way it was meant to be seen this millennium, then really, there are no winners here.

• Top Model Contestant: How Nikki Blonsky's Family Attacked Me [US]

Skylar Martin Peak, 24, and Philip John Hildebrand, 30, both of Malibu, were each charged with one misdemeanor count of battery for attacking Richid Altmbareckouhammou, who was working for a French news agency, the Los Angeles District Attorney's office said.

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

That bullied photographer Richid Altmbareckouhammou (ri-CHEED AHL-tem-ba- REK-oo-HAM-moo) went through with a legal action sends a strong message to other surfers who think such matters can be solved with a sandy flip-flop shoved down a throat: So long as the public thirsts for images of McConaughey teaching his newborn son Levi the delicate art of the schnot shot while paddling out to shore, there will be paparazzo dug into the sand to capture such tender moments of celebrity/nature communion.

• Two Malibu men charged with attacking paparazzo [Reuters]

Raffaello Follieri, who was awaiting an appearance in Manhattan federal court, is accused of falsely telling an investor that the Vatican had appointed him to manage its financial affairs.

He allegedly claimed that as a result of his Vatican connections, he and others could obtain properties of the Catholic church in the United States at a substantial discount to fair market value. [...]

Hathaway's publicist, Stephen Huvane, has previously stressed that "The Devil Wears Prada" star is not part of any probes and is no longer a board member of the Follieri Foundation.

Details of Follieri's song-and-dance are still sketchy; some suggest he dazzled investors with a well-rehearsed spiel involving a prime coastal property he could unload for a steal, all due to what he referred to in hush-tones as the "Father Larabee's Petting Zoo of Molesty Horrors" incident. It now remains to be seen if Hathaway reputation can survive the Sins of the Oily and Crooked Ex-Boyfriend, and if she herself can survive any stray lightning bolts sent down to smite God-swindling confidence men.

• Anne Hathaway's ex-boyfriend Follieri arrested [AP/MSNBC]

When pressed for details, [Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry] Feld said, "I would say there is a strong possibility that it is suspicious because of the rapid movement of the fire, the volume of the fire that we had upon arrival, and the intensity. When I arrived — and I got there early — the whole first floor and second floor was engulfed, and the home was totally gutted. [...]

A statement released Friday by 50's rep reads: "Informed this morning while filming a new motion picture on location in Louisiana, [50 Cent] expressed deep concern over this fire at his property. He is extremely thankful that everyone including his son, Marquise, escaped the burning house safely. He is confident that authorities will be conducting a thorough investigation of the incident and is eager to review their findings."

Addressing reporters outside the remains of her home, Tompkins said that she heard an intruder in the house this morning, and that 50 is "obsessed" with her and has threatened her life. We think it was a wise, if sometimes questionably motivated, lyricist who once said, "If the roof is on fire, let the muthafucka burn. If you talking about money, homie, I ain't concerned." Never before has the poetry of the street resonated with such dire consequence.

• 50 Cent's Long Island Home Gutted By 'Suspicious' Fire [MTV]
• Shaniqua— Fiddy Tried To Kill Me! [TMZ]

"I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,"

"I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this."

"If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

We think there's another way: A brokered Stern/Parton peace accord, negotiated by us, an utterly unbiased third party, who just happens to possess a stack of vinyl, DVDs, 8x10 glossies, saved ticket stubs to Dollywood, and menus from the tragically short-lived Planet Fartman restaurant chain in dire need of autographing. We beg of you—let the healing commence, before the proprietor of Kenny Rogers Roasters has his reputation sullied any further by intimations that he's the World's Greatest Chickenhawk.

• Parton "shocked" at Howard Stern radio segment [Reuters]

CSI star Gary Dourdan claims the drugs he was caught with earlier this week didn't belong to him.

Dourdan says he was returning from the Coachella Music Festival, where he got some people into a V.I.P. section. An after-party left him "ragged," he said, so he pulled over to sleep.

"I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative," Dourdan continued. "I've been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life."

Dourdan — who is not returning to CSI next season — also apologized to his fans. (He was set to present Taylor Swift with an award at Hollywood Life magazine's 10th Annual Young Hollywood Awards last week, as CSI is one of her favorite shows.)

"I am so sorry to all my fans, especially the young ones, like Taylor Swift, who I should've been supporting with my daughter instead of driving tired in the desert," he said.

"I am planning events to get the word out that you don't need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time," he added. "Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith."

We're just relieved that Palm Springs law enforcement was flexible enough to accept that the trunk containing an assortment of illicit party favors, dead hookers, Portishead merch, and at least one still-tripping member of Hot Chip must have been placed there by some other Coachella after-party guest, not Dourdan himself. As for young country star Taylor Swift, she has apparently taken the disappointment in stride, eagerly awaiting her Young Hollywood Awards replacement trophy after being explained by an official that the original "is currently in the evidence room at the Palm Desert Sheriff's Dept., being tested for traces of a finely pulverized powder found clinging to its base."

[Photo credit: WireImage]

• CSI Star Denies Drugs Belonged to Him [usmagazine.com]

Jordan, 37, is accused of sending harassing e-mails to Thurman's father and brother, loitering for hours on the steps of Thurman's Manhattan apartment and visiting her trailer on a movie set.

"He loved her and possibly still does. He never wanted to annoy her, threaten her or alarm her," said Jordan's lawyer, George Vomvolakis. "Creepy? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Criminal? No." [...]

Jordan once gave the 37-year-old actress' personal assistant a package containing a letter, his driver's license, a postcard of the Statute of Liberty and other objects.

"I feel in love with you," the letter said. "I think you should call me up, let me watch you act on the set some more, we should date or move in together, and then get married."

"I gave up describing the contents of my heart to famous women I don't know after Carol Channing broke my heart in the early nineties," he wrote.

Jordan offers vexingly few details regarding his "early nineties" relationship with the Hello, Dolly! star, though by process of elimination, his age of 37 would have to isolate the affair to the 1990s. It's easy enough to see, however, after letting one special and talented lady slip through your fingers, how virtually no efforts would seem too extreme in wooing the next superstar to steal one's heart.

• Court told accused Uma Thurman stalker just "creepy" [Reuters]

Prosecutors said Levin orchestrated a scheme to overstate Team Communications' annual and quarterly revenue to make the company appear profitable, when it was actually losing money. As a result, they said, customers ended up paying inflated distribution fees and Levin profited from the scheme.

Levin received a $335,000 bonus based on the company's reportedly profitable 1999 performance, and he pledged more than 500,000 shares as collateral for a loan to buy a $1.5 million ranch in Big Sky, Mont., prosecutors said.

We imagine a balance sheet that stated a $1.7 million profit in 1999 as a $4.25 million loss two years later — then crashed $42 million deeper in 2002 — was the kind of red flag you can't sneak past most federal investigators. Nevertheless, it's just as likely that a high-powered defense team is hammering out ironclad conspiracy theories as we speak, something along the lines of a concerted government effort to put away the producer of record for landmark dross including Hollywood's Stuntmakers, FX Masters, Superstars of Action, Mysterious Forces Beyond, World's Most Mysterious Places and Laurie Cooks Light and Easy. Indeed, Defamer sympathizes, and in the unfortunate instance of Mr. Levin's conviction or plea deal, we hope his sentence will be reduced to time already served.

• TV producer charged with stock fraud [AP]

The former star of "The O.C." was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana, according to court papers.

"The D.A.'s office is to be commended for treating this case the same as it would any other matter; Ms. Barton has received no special treatment," Salerno said.

Barton was scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

We've no doubt the D.A. will continue to show Barton the same treatment that any other tanked, high, lane-straddling road menace starlet would receive in a similar situation, and that once her sentence is handed down, she'll be forced to serve out whatever fraction-of-an-hour the California penal system deems sufficient to repaying her debt to society. Barton is as good as rehabilitated.

• Mischa Barton Facing 4 Misdemeanors [abcnews.go.com]

Unlike some of her cokepant-wearing, freeway-current-disregarding compatriots, whose debts to society were deemed sufficiently paid in under 90 minutes, Rodriguez will be serving all 180 days (that's six months!), more than enough time to compose several collections of verse, and mount a fairly ambitious, all-girl production of The Music Man, in a continuation of the important jailhouse arts initiative program she began during her last stint behind bars.

• Former 'Lost' Star Reports to Jail [AP]
• Rodriguez to Spend Xmas in the Pokey [TMZ]

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the LAPD is conducting an investigation into a traffic mishap Friday, when Britney Spears ran over an L.A. County Sheriff deputy's foot.

Sources tell TMZ that the victim has no broken bones but is hobbling around the courthouse on crutches and has been reassigned to light duty.

UPDATE: The LAPD tells TMZ "The LAPD is aware that Britney Spears was leaving the courthouse. We are also aware that a deputy was injured. The LAPD is unable to confirm the details on the deputy's injury because the investigation is in its initial stage."

Spears could wind up doing hard time for the hit-and-run metatarsalcide, where she'll be lumped with the rest of the prison population's cop-foot killers—widely considered to be the most hardened and feared category of the entire foot-mangling criminal underclass. The Britney who would emerge from life on the inside—25-pounds of muscle heavier, a Hang Ten logo tattooed under her left eye—would contain barely a glimmer of the young, vivacious pop starlet with whom we first fell in love.

• Brit Under Investigation by LAPD [TMZ]

Smith then quickly descends into incoherency, mistaking the toy doll in her arms for her own baby, and her real pregnancy as "just gas." Stern, meanwhile, rattles off instructions about background noise, white levels, and unusable boob-slip footage to a cameraman named Mark, ignoring the nine-year-old as she pleads with him to, "Cut the tape off and help...I think we need the hospital...Howard, seriously—please help." Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to curl into a fetal ball on the floor of a scalding shower and lie there unblinking for several hours.

• Geraldo at Large [FoxNews via RedLasso]

After having reviewed the overwhelming evidence, readers are then invited to vote on whose side they take. We're sure the poll will start posting the results once they tip in Francis's favor; but for now, you'll simply have to settle for a message offering, "Thanks for voting!" and the knowledge that you've done your mouse-clicking part to free the Pied Piper of Drunken Second-Guessing Exhibitionists.

• You Be The Judge [MeetJoeFrancis.com]

· Kiefer's night in lockdown had no immediate effect on 24's shooting schedule, though there's no telling what extended jail time might do to affect the season, or President Cherry Jones's ability to fend off a nuclear threat posed by lesbian-denying Iranian terrorists. [THR]

· Jack "Lauded" Bauer wasn't going to allow one little DUI prevent him from accepting another honor from a grateful nation: This time, the nation was Canada, and the honor was an ACTRA award for commitment to his northern homeland and their native acting peoples. [Variety]
· Unfortunately, as of posting time, Canada's national newspaper doesn't know how to spell their own favorite son's name. [theglobeandmail.com]
· A Canadian journalist breaks down his first post-arrest day like an episode of 24. We're glad you find this so hilarious, Kiefer's supposedly appreciative country! [thestar.com]
· More Commonwealth Kiefer Coverage fun-facts: In England, it's called "drink-driving," and yes, that does sound weird, but no weirder than a "drugs overdose." [news.bbc.co.uk]
· Here's a shocking video of Kiefer signing autographs outside Area the night of the arrest. We know! We can hardly believe it, either! [TMZ]

Sordid passages in the soon-to-be released book by former MSNBC journalist Rita Cosby describe how Anna Nicole and her friend allegedly caught Stern and Birkhead with their shirts off and their pants around their ankles in a Los Angeles home.

Jackie Hatten, described in the book as one of Anna Nicole's closest friends, said the men were engaged in oral sex.

The shocking book accuses Birkhead and Stern of cutting a secret deal after Anna Nicole was buried in March, with Birkhead getting custody of Dannielynn in return for Stern being named executor of the star's estate.

The former stripper knew both Birkhead and Stern were gay, the book alleges.

The tell-all claims Anna Nicole would spread out on her bed and watch a video allegedly showing Birkhead and Stern having oral sex "over and over" while Stern worked on his computer in their Bahamas home. [...]

The book claims Birkhead gave Smith cocktails of drugs and watched as Stern allegedly gave medication to Anna Nicole while she was attached to an IV drip in the hospital during her pregnancy.

Birkhead and Stern have since denied the allegations and threatened to sue, saying Hatten is an emotionally unbalanced stalker whose own brother, Mark "Hollywood" Hatten, is currently serving time for also obsessively targeting Anna Nicole. Cosby, meanwhile, is standing firmly behind her claims, saying she hasn't seen the Birkhead-on-Stern visual evidence, but has spoken to people who have. One thing is certain: Beyond appealing to a tiny subgroup of slashfic-penning scandal fetishists, this video will likely be the least-demanded Smith A/V material since her tit-job tape made the plastic surgery convention rounds.

• Anna Nicole Smith book claims Birkhead & Stern were lovers; cut deal on baby, estate [NY Daily News]
• Larry Birkhead fuming over lies, gay sex talk in Anna Nicole Smith book [NY Daily News]

Matt LeBlanc's former business manager has filed a lawsuit alleging the actor owes her at least $1 million.

The suit cites a 1994 letter in which LeBlanc approved the payment of 15 percent of his earnings for "pilot and series derived from 'Friends Like Us' and subsequent jobs derived henceforth" to Cerio. "Friends Like Us" was the original title of NBC's hit series "Friends."

Cerio contends she was entitled to receive commission for as long as LeBlanc received income from "Friends" and its spin-off series "Joey," but the payments stopped in 2000 and she is owed at least $1 million. "Friends" ended in 2004.

Imagine Cerio's shame at rolling up to the Bel-Air Country Club in a creaky, disgraceful '04 Lexus, when Schwimmer and Aniston's dumped managers with iron-clad contracts honk the horns of their brand-new Bentleys and wave patronizingly as they roll by. If she doesn't get her cash soon, she'll never be able to show her face at the Barney's valet ever again.

• Matt LeBlanc Sued By Ex-Business Manager [foxnews.com]

A Malibu judge yesterday said the Oscar winner, who was busted for drunken driving in July 2006, has completed his court-ordered alcohol-cessation program.

"The AA meetings are no longer under his probation's conditions," a spokeswoman with the district attorney's office said.

Obviously, Gibson would only benefit from continuing to attend the meetings: As any successful 12-stepper can tell you, while it might get easier to resist your demons over time, the threat of a relapse is always there, and all it would take is a citrusy whiff from a freshly cracked Tequiza to send the actor tailspinning right back to Jew-loathing square one.

• Mel can quit AA anytime he wants [NY Daily News]

The medical examiner who conducted [Jacob] Adams' autopsy August 7 said the bite abrasions and lacerations on the man's body were most likely nonfatal, said Capt. Ed Winter of the Los Angeles County coroner's office.

"We're not saying the bites were definitely not the cause of death, though," Winter told The Associated Press.

"When animals attack humans or other animals, the victims usually end up with bites around the head and neck. He had none," Winter said. "This leads us to believe he went down for some other medical reason."

The news came as a welcome relief to Rhames, who opted to ignore the Captain's caveat and pronounce his relief over his pets' innocence, stopping short of proudly gushing how the dogs were probably just trying to drag their keeper to safety, and would have dialed 911 were they not impeded by their unwieldy snouts.

• Probe: Man likely not killed by dogs at Rhames' home [CNN.com]

• Phil Spector field trip - in pictures [LAist]