After Kimmel ran a clip from the offending sketch, the actor—in a studied bit of business borrowed from any number of Scorsese-DeNiro collaborations—fastidiously plucked a stray thread off his dress shirt as he pledged to "crack [the Hot Rod star's] big fucking nose." The only thing better than a celebrity feud is a celebrity feud with lightly anti-Semitic undertones and the potential of skull fragmentation. Still, we think his tough-guy bark is worse than his bite, and Samberg needn't start truly panicking until Wahlberg pledges, in a clever twist on one of Samberg's greatest hits, to deliver the young comic his own nuts in a box.

• Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• Fabio to Clooney: I Can't Believe It's Your Finger [TMZ]

Fabio and a group of women, including a professional photographer, were sitting at a table next to George and his girlfriend, Sarah Larson.

According to numerous eyewitnesses, George suspected the woman was snapping photos of him and Sarah, so he asked her to stop. "I thought you were a nice guy," Fabio said to George as he approached the table. "Stop being a diva." Those were apparently fighting words, because George stood up and the fight turned physical!

The In Touch website refers us to the magazine at that point for what happened next, meaning until we get a chance to swing over to the nearest grocery store, we'll never know if our vision of a brutal hunk-on-hunk melée, in which an hysterical Clooney lept onto his adversary's back, taking vicious bites of the Avon Books covermodel's face and neck and yanking out wads of shoulder-length hair until the Michael Clayton star was tossed into a passing dessert cart, actually came to pass.

• Fabio calls George a diva! [InTouch]

• Joan Collins vs Charlotte Rae (Legends) [YouTube]

Madonna made a rare, live appearance on The Today Show this morning to promote her voice-over work in the U.S. release of Luc Besson's Arthur and the Invisibles. (Madonna: "I don't like getting up and talking to people this early." Meredith Vieira: "So then what possessed you?" Madonna: "Um, Harvey Weinstein.") She touched briefly upon the subject of OrphanGate, merely to assure the world that David Banda—whom she admits she probably chose because of his physical resemblance to herself—couldn't be happier. But it's her thoughts on the far more pressing and controversial topic of the Donald vs. Rosie feud that have been making headlines:

"I mean Rosie's a good friend of mine...I heard something about it when I was in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I sent her an e-mail, and I said to her is everything OK, what's going on. I needed to hear it from the horse's mouth. And basically, she's a stand-up comic and all stand-up comics talk about provocative things in their monologues before shows. I don't know exactly the content of what she said but I have a feeling that if every stand-up comic was penalized for saying politically incorrect things or provocative things they'd all be hung in the public square, so if people were giving Rosie a hard time, I wish they'd stop. I don't think it's fair."

Madonna savvily refrained from specifying The Comb-Over'd One by name, an act of aggression that would have immediately called for a retaliatory statement on Trump Organization letterhead, in which, deprived of his trustworthy fat jokes, he would resort to dismissing O'Donnell's longtime friend as a "third-rate, degenerate pop icon" who "hasn't really done anything truly groundbreaking since the 'Express Yourself' video, which I still happen to love, by the way, especially when she licks the milk out of the saucer."

• Madonna Defends Her Pal Rosie O'Donnell [ABCNews/AP]
• Madge & Meredith [Vimeo]

We realize a major escalation in the Iraq War is about to be announced, but it's difficult to focus on that sort of thing when most of the conflict-oriented areas of our brain are currently occupied with the Rosie vs. Donald vs. Barbara vs. (possibly, if you believe Donald) Rosie feud. When last we checked in, Donald Trump had sent in a scathing letter to The View's offices, accusing Walters of having called O'Donnell a "pig" and telling him she wouldn't "be here for long." Their response on today's show (video above courtesy of BWE) featured Barbara calling Trump, "that poor, pathetic man...we're moving on." Trump's lightning response time has us suspecting that he drafts his statements the night before, leaving a few specifics blank until the very last moment. ("I find it funny that you should call me a ______ on the show today, because Barbara said you're a ______. Send my love to Kelli! Best, Donald") In his latest missive, he defends The Apprentice: LA's ratings performance, and offered this mellow sentiment to the special ladies in his life:

Barbara has become a sad figurehead dominated by a third-rate comedian and I now wish she had not recently chosen me as one of the "10 Most Fascinating People."

No, you haven't become inured to the savagery of the battlefield: This feud's losing steam. We're calling for a surge on this front as well—it's really the only path to peace—perhaps through a pay-per-view Texas Hold 'Em tournament, with their spouses the stakes: Trump seems to have a bizarre preoccupation with Kelli, and what lesbian household couldn't use a Slovenian model/vampiress/whatever around the house?

• Donald Hits Back After Barbara Dubs Him 'Pathetic' [AccessHollwyood.com]

· "Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. " · "To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long," · After running into Walters at Le Cirque and asking how "Rosie was doing," she "sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'"

Trump, who has barely slept, eaten, or violated Melania since submitting himself fully to his darkest anti-Rosie impulses, appears to be on a mission to destroy whatever chances might still exist for the two women to reconcile. Should this letter fail to hasten her premature departure from the series, however, the real estate tycoon has already outlined and budgeted the next phase—while details are being kept under wraps, the rumor is that it involves the backing of a major Broadway production, with previews of Barbara Told Me She Actually Hates Rosie: The Musical scheduled to begin at the Ethel Barrymore Theater some time in the summer of 2007.

• BREAKING: Trump's Open Letter To Rosie! [Access Hollywood]

According to spies, O'Donnell recoiled from Walters' touch and yelled, "You kept me in the newspapers this whole time!"

Both "View" producer Bill Geddie and Walters tried to calm O'Donnell. Walters told her, "I did everything I could to squash the story" - prompting Rosie to scream, "You didn't call me for 10 goddamn days, and you didn't tell me what you were going to say on television!" [...]

After O'Donnell's outburst at Walters yesterday, Geddie jumped in and told her, "You've crossed the line." O'Donnell retorted, "Cameras are now outside of my house where my wife and kids are." She turned to Walters and said, "You went all around this and never called [Trump] a liar. You never said, 'Donald is lying.' You never called him a liar."

When Walters tried to defend herself, O'Donnell erupted, "Are you looking me in the face and denying you didn't tell him you didn't say this? You're a [bleeping] liar."

Walters was at that moment most likely ensnared in the deciphering of the triple-negative accusation, when her confused silence might easily have been misinterpreted by O'Donnell as an admission of "bleeping liar" guilt. It remains to be seen whether fences can be mended between the surgically tautened broadcast matriarch and the loose-lipped lesbzilla she unleashed upon the daytime TV landscape, but one thing is for certain: somewhere, an out-of-work Star Jones is cheering on Team O'Donnell, between shouts at her View-blocking husband Al Reynolds to "get off the bed and do your pedicure in the bathroom like any normal man!"

• ROSIE BLOWS UP AT 'LIAR' BABS [NY Post]

"It's the way I look. He can't resist. I love when people say you're fat like you don't know," O'Donnell joked Monday on ABC's "The View." "... It's always the first comment of someone who disagrees with you if you happen to be on the plus side." [...]

"The guy, he's obsessed with me, obviously," she said. [...]

O'Donnell said she went shopping recently and "all of these plus-size women" with "tears in their eyes" approached her with words of support.

"He wounded millions of women by saying that I was fat, you know?"

O'Donnell also described how Trump calling her a "fat pig" has upset her young children, who have expressed concern that a man with a "dump truck" (not a Heathers-inspired fat lesbian insult, but a 7-year-old's misinterpretation of the name Donald Trump) was going "take all [Rosie's] money away." Donald, meanwhile, has already managed to issue his swat back, downplaying the "fat pig" comment as a mere sliver of the larger Rosie-insult pie, and taking a shot at O'Donnell-defender Barbara Walters while he was at it. From an Extra press release:

"Rosie, as usual, is misquoting me. I used the word "slob", I used the word "degenerate" and I used the words "not very smart." The word "fat" played a very small role, if any, in my description of her."

In reaction to Barbara Walters saying that Trump is lying about remarks she made during a phone conversation they had last week, Trump responds, "Barbara lied, as she knows very well. She will have to live with herself. She admits to phoning me. Isn't it obvious to everybody that if she phoned me, she had to be saying what I've stated, not what she claims to have said. This reminds me very much of the Star Jones fiasco and Barbara's supposed statements about her."

Actually, that's not so obvious to us. What is obvious, however, is that no one has ever attacked Queen Ant Barbara Walters without quickly finding her razor-sharp mandibles buried deep inside them and sucking out their nourishing life fluids moments before tossing the empty husks aside. With the ratings for last night's Apprentice premiere down significantly from even last season's all-time series low (could Mark Burnett have somehow miscalculated the public's appetite for watching hot chicks in hiked skirt suits getting wet n' sudsy at a WeHo car wash?), and Trump finding himself named a co-defendant in a 49-year-old rejected Apprentice applicant's motion calling for all other potential victims of the series' alleged ageist casting practices to join him in a class-action lawsuit, it would appear as if O'Donnell has won this round. Or, as she might put it, "Ching chong. Donald Trump. Ching chong ching chong chong, bite me. Ching chong."

• ICYMI: Rosie O'Donnell Responds to Trump, Gets Perm [BWE]
• Rosie O'Donnell: Trump Is 'Obsessed With Me' [Fox/AP]
• Rosie Discusses Kids' Reaction to Trump Slam [People]
• Donald Trump Sued for Age Discrimination [People]
• [ExtraTV]

"ROCKY Balboa" star Sylvester Stallone answered a few fan questions on AintItCool.com. But he also cleared up the tiff between him and Robert Evans, which caused him to withdraw from the 1984 Francis Ford Coppola movie "Cotton Club." According to Sly, one afternoon Evans "dumped a duffel bag full of X-rated Polaroids" in front of him, and in that pile was "a very X-rated Polaroid" of the girl he was dating. "I thought blood was going to come out my eyes," wrote Stallone, saying the incident "was beyond anything so perverse."

Whatever doesn't kill you in Hollywood, the old saying goes, is likely to cause massive subconjunctival hemorrhaging, and so we salute Stallone for managing to overcome his body's natural impulse to turn its optical orbits into two gushing hemoglobin fountains the instant they registered the image of his then-girlfriend twisted into a nearly impossible Kama Sutric pose beneath an expanse of rich, Corinthian naked Evans flesh.

[Photo Illustration: Gawker]

• ROCKY TELLS OF EVANS SPAT [NY Post]

Seacrest told People magazine last week that his relationship with Abdul was "awkward."

"I don't know what the deal is. It's very awkward," he was quoted as saying. [...]

Abdul dismissed reports of off-camera animosity in a statement Tuesday to The Associated Press.

"Reports of a feud are ridiculous," the 43-year-old former pop star said. "We are one funny dysfunctional family. There's nothing but love.

The story claims the bad blood began after some back-and-forth remarks made on successive appearances on The Tonight Show, including Abdul's dismissal of Seacrest's widely publicized oral dry humping of Teri Hatcher. ("Do you think [she] is that desperate of a housewife?" Abdul slurred, venemously.) And while we're sure much of the show's name-calling and gay-baiting is all in good fun, in this instance, we tend to buy Seacrest's version of events—our reasoning being that the host would never distance himself from a heterosexual woman in the pages of a celebrity glossy unless it was absolutely necessary.

• 'Idol's Ryan and Paula Disagree on Feud [AP]