Seagal, however, was even more of a disappointment, throwing a fit as soon as he mounted the stage over the intensity of the stage lights. You'd think someone with as much experience starring in a string of marginally beloved martial arts movies, and shredding his blues away on the El Rey stage, would be accustomed to the hot glare of theatrical lighting. If we had to guess, however, we'd say his vampiric reaction might have to do with flashbacks to the powerful lamp shoved into his face by overzealous FBI agents trying to connect the actor to the Anthony Pellicano racketeering scandal.

• Previously: Steven Seagal Thinks The FBI Should Apologize For Killing His Career [Defamer]

Such is the case with this amazing Boyu-1108 Massage Hoop, a colorful, ribbed take on the classic hula which features none other than unwitting celebrity spokesperson (and illustrated customer!) Angelina Jolie benefiting from its miraculous, weist-whittling properties. Once you find yourself hooked, may we suggest also investing in a Boyu-2409 Pogo Pleasurer, the only coil-powered personal massager and transportation device currently approved by Julia Roberts.

• ANGIES SECRET TO WEIGHT LOSS [ONTD]

If you sport a bowlcut hairdo in a nationally televised performance, KFC will grant you a free lifetime supply of KFC Famous Bowls and a charitable donation in your name — plus $5,000 in cash and your own starring role in our next KFC Famous Bowls advertisement.

Now, that's an offer almost as juicy as our KFC world famous chicken [...]

Your Fan,
[signed] Gregg Dedrick
President of KFC

We doubt the popular song-rapist would be willing to forego his trademarked mane—and whatever supernatural, Samsonian strength might emanate from its chestnut locks—in exchange for a lifetime of Famous Bowls and a mere five grand, which is barely enough to cover his ponyhawk scrunchie budget. Still, Malakar's advisors have sat him down and appealed to their client to at least consider the deal, realizing that looking like Moe from the Three Stooges on national TV is a small (and unlikely to be the most humiliating) price to pay in exchange for an endorsement deal in the hand, to say nothing of the added security of knowing where the teen sensation will find his next meal once the Idol gravy train has left the station.

• American Idol Sanjaya Offer Sweetened: Cash, Commercial & KFC Bowls [Post Chronicle]

• Beverly Hills 90210 Star, Jennie Garth, Wowed by Baby Gifts From KooKoo Bear Kids [PR Newswire]

Davie-Brown Entertainment is set to launch on Monday (February 13) a celebrity-evaluation index for brand marketers and their ad agencies. The company says the index will determine a celebrity's relevance to a brand's image and their influence on consumer-buying behavior.

The so-called Davie-Brown Index, or DBI, will be compiled and managed by i.think inc. based on surveys of its 1.5 million-member research panel, which is demographically balanced across the country, said Jeff Chown, president of Davie-Brown Talent. More than 1,500 celebrities will be included in the index, which evaluates celebrities based on eight key attributes: appeal, notice, trendsetting, influence, trust, endorsement, aspiration and awareness.

The innovative 8-point assessment system, while thorough, did have a few kinks. Paris Hilton, for example, scored an unfairly low "awareness" number, due to interviewees misinterpreting the category as measuring the celebrity's own awareness of the world around them, as opposed to the other way around. Still, depite other low scoring ("Trust: 0, Aspiration: 0, Appeal: 0"), the researchers admitted Hilton was still a highly marketable celebrity pitchman, thanks to her off-the-charts numbers in the elusive ninth category: "Skank factor."

• New index will rate celebs' marketing muscle [THR/Reuters]

But with Late Night airing five nights a week on Finnish cable (yes, we were surprised too, though we suppose the concept of a masturbating bear translates fairly easily) and O'Brien's pro-Halonen exploits becoming regular Finnish tabloid fodder (again Finnish tabs? Who knew?) the President's political opponents are less than amused that all this coverage may help to throw the election her way.

"He's just making fun of the whole election," said Harri Jaskari, campaign manager for [conservative candidate Sauli] Niinisto. "If this decides the election, then we're in trouble. It gives a very poor picture of Finnish democracy."

We imagine Niinisto's camp's sour grapes pronouncements stem from the fact that their very non-descript candidate doesn't look like anyone famous, though reports have been circulating that he has been working on a dead-on Regis Philbin impression that he plans on unleashing at the next round of televised debates.

• Is Finland laughing at Conan O'Brien? [AP]

• [William Shatner DVD Club]

Turns out Affleck's offshore shilling campaign isn't relegated to the Americas. Another reader living in France (yes, we have readers in France, though they are a bit lackadaisical when it comes to sharing Gerard Depardieu sightings) sent in a description of yet another Affleck TV spot, this one for soy milk:

I live in France and Ben Affleck does an ad here for Alpro soy milk. He is sitting at the counter of an American style diner and some French chick is sitting next to him, freaking out (because she can't believe her luck/bad luck?). He ends up drinking her soy milk, if my memory serves me correctly.

No one can tell a story of doomed, young love like the French, and this artful Godardian homage is no exception. Perhaps there is more than just a 7-figure Euro paycheck at play here, but rather Affleck's cunning attempt at repositioning himself as the poster boy for the New New Wave.

• Perviously: Ben Affleck Smells Like Axe Spirit [Defamer]

So we are on vacation in Argentina at the moment and happened to catch a very sexy TV ad starring Ben Affleck. It is for cheesy men's cologne line Axe. In the ad, Ben is walking around logging all the women he sees on a little clicker (like the kind Hollywood doormen use). At the end of the spot, he gets into an elevator with a young, skinny, dorky dude in a delivery shirt and shows him the clicker registering 107 ladies (the ad doesn't show him actually DOING the ladies, thank God, but does Jennifer Garner know?). To Ben´s amazement and lascivious approval, the delivery guy also has a clicker reading 700-ish. Cut to the delivery guy in his apartment applying Axe. Thought you might like to know about this since we have been deprived of it in the US, at least as far as I know.

Affleck's smart to maintain a creative outlet like this, just in case this whole stay-at-home dad gig proves to be insufficiently fulfilling and he starts to get the acting itch again.

• Annals Of Unauthorized Celebrity Images: Ben Affleck, Rogue Cop [Defamer]
• Affleck And Garner Enjoy The Starbucks Experience [Defamer]

Steven Seagal now can add “Energy Drink formulator” to a list of talents that already includes veteran actor, singer/songwriter, guitarist, and Aikido black belt. Maintaining an unrelenting schedule that would tire younger entrepreneurs, the 54-year-old Seagal has just completed two movies, “Into the Sun” and “Submerged.” His album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, released earlier this year, has already hit the pop charts in Europe.

Lightning Bolt Energy Drink™ is the result of Seagal’s travels in Asia in search of the ingredients believed to keep many locals disease-free for life.

We want to believe, we really do, but we can't shake the image of Santa Claus buggering the Easter Bunny while Seagal watches from atop a unicorn, roaring with laughter. (We not entirely sure we're awake yet, but why is Seagal playing the ukulele?) We even called the customer service phone number and reached a voicemail box for "Steven Seagal's Energy Drink," despite the fact we were getting in touch during the company's posted business hours. A WHOIS search on the domain name was inconclusive. We've done all we can do, short of making a pilgrimage to Seagal's secret Buddhist temple/drink formulating facility in Tibet to yank on that famous ponytail until we get the truth. For now, we'll chug from the shiny can of credulity. We've got to believe in something.

Also: Our pal at IsraellyCool has been taking the same agonizing journey of belief/disbelief.

UPDATE: A reader claims that it's real: "Yeah, it's real. I work for a large beverage manufacturer and in last month's trades, along with every other energy drink, Seagal has one coming out working the mystic martial arts Buddhist angle. My co-workers and I could not stop laughing. I'm sure it's filled with crap like all the others. Also get ready for the Von Dutch energy drink made by Rockstar coming very, very soon. I can't make this shit up."

• Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt [LightningDrink.com via IsraellyCool and Fark]