A longtime Britney pal says, "[A former Spears assistant] gave specific instances where Brit couldn't handle having the kids. Kevin was angry at Britney for putting his kids in jeopardy and immediately phoned his lawyer to investigate the claims further. He couldn't believe she had gotten so out of control."

Brit's cousin is planning on providing specific instances to help give full- time custody to Kevin and finalize the divorce from Britney.

At this time, Kevin's legal team is redrafting the divorce settlement to include her recent public and private problems and has already contacted Britney's lawyers to set up a meeting.

The OK! spread could help make a compelling case for the father as sole custodian, as no adjudicator could in good conscience allow for the nightmarish scenario in which K-Fed discovers his two sons wandering through the overgrown grass of their mother's untended estate, swathed in week-old soiled diapers clumsily fashioned out of safety pins and the barely recognizable remains of a Zac Posen sun dress.

• OK! EXCLUSIVE: KEVIN CALLS THE LAWYERS ON BRITNEY [ok-magazine.com]
• Britney goes bonkers [NY Daily News]

Heche says in court papers that although Laffoon claims to be a stay-at-home dad, he actually leaves their 5-year-old son Homer "with nannies and babysitters while he plays ping-pong, backgammon and poker and views pornography online.

"He holds a poker game at his home every Thursday night and allows Homer to participate," the Men in Trees stars says in a Los Angeles Superior Court filing released Thursday.

She adds that Laffoon bragged to cast members of her show, taped in Vancouver, that he "knew each strip joint in town."

Laffoon is hardly the first emasculated and underemployed Hollywood husband to turn to the temporary, boredom-alleviating comforts of online erotica and table tennis after his far more successful wife hiked up her slacks and headed out every day to earn a living. But in this "damned if he does" scenario, even when a guy tries to spend some quality time with his five-year-old son, propping him in a booster seat and setting him in a cigar-smoke-filled room alongside his best buddies from Club Exotique, it somehow gets twisted into an example of bad parenting. It's almost enough to make you regret marrying the successful, albeit slightly batshit insane, actress you once managed to convince yourself was the love of your work-averse life.

• Anne Heche Divorce Papers: Poker, Porn, Strippers [People]

Singer Whitney Houston will file for divorce from husband Bobby Brown. Houston's rep Nancy Seltzer confirms to TMZ that Houston intends to divorce Brown, and that filing for a separation is just a "legal technicality" on the way to divorce. Seltzer did not divulge any further details concerning where or when the filings were made, and calls to Brown's lawyer were not returned.

Devout Houston worshipper Osama bin Laden will be over the moon when the happy news finally arrives via Al-Qaeda footsoldier, and we imagine it's only a matter of days before a videotaped pledge of his devotion surfaces on Al Jazeera TV, in which he'll beg his beloved Whitney to "throw off the shackles of the Satanic American oppressor and be my Queen, as our souls reach a state of ultimate transcendence under the approving gaze of Allah. And let's face it, the guy was totally dragging your career into the crapper."

• BULLETIN: Whitney Houston To File For Divorce [TMZ.com]

Spelling, called the tale of the restraining order "ridiculous" — but cracked a joke at Eustace's expense — which didn't go over so well with the crowd.

"It is so much better dating a Canadian over an American," Spelling told the audience. "It is so simple. They're a lot nicer and they have nasty ex-wives that write tell-all books. What more could a woman ask for?" Some in the audience booed.

Lest Canadians come away believing the stereotype that every woman in Hollywood is a bottle blond/bitch/homewrecker/moron/heiress, thankfully Paris Hilton also made an appearance at the awards. She was spotted leaving hand-in-hand with Colorado Avalanche goalie Jose Theodore, formerly of the Montreal Canadiens; Le Journal de Montreal reports today that Theodore's wife and mother of his three-month-old daughter has ended the relationship and kicked him out of their home.

• Tori Spelling plays the Ugly American, eh [MSNBC.com]
• Theodore dumped over tryst with Paris Hilton: report [CTV.ca]

Spears insisted that she loves her husband..."He helps me. He has to. I'm (an) emotional wreck right now," she said.

The paparazzi have "crossed the line a little bit" by showing her in private moments, she said. She also defended her parenting skills, saying, "I know I'm a good mom."

She drew criticism earlier this year when she was photographed with her infant son, Sean, sitting on her lap as she drove. She cautions against judging her.

"I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive," the Louisiana native said. "We're country."

While it may seem gauche to us, one has to admire Spears' frank defense of her rustic upbringing—a traditional, non-fussy America where newborns are commonly brought home from log-cabin hospitals by being casually tossed into the flatbed of a pick-up truck and hitting the gravel road. Meanwhile, her insistence that things are fine with Federline leads us to question everything we thought we knew about our own Trapper Keeper-poetry interpretation skills. Then again, the sudden spate of image-reparative K-Fed press could just be one of the negotiated divorce settlement terms, stating that Spears must do her part to improve the guy's rep on his way out the door.

• Britney Spears complains about paparazzi [AP]
• Brit's PR Offensive — K-Fed with Kid [TMZ]

Costner rep PAUL BLOCH released the following statement today: "The story is false. They sold their house in Hollywood and they are moving to Santa Barbara. Kevin is on location and Christine is getting the house ready.

"Christine Costner is on her way to Shreveport where Kevin Costner is shooting 'Mr. Brooks.' They'll both then go to Providence, RI for daughter ANNIE's graduation from Brown University. The Costners will then head back to Los Angeles where Kevin will continue to help Christine with the move. After that, Kevin will go back and finish shooting the remaining several weeks of 'Mr. Brooks.'"

Bloch's pile-it-on technique is as effective as any tersely worded statement; by cramming in as many dreary details about the lives of his clients as possible, a glazed-eyed public becomes so bored with the subject, they quickly choose to forget what the topic of the original scandal was in the first place.

• Kevin Costner Denies Split Rumors [ET Online]

"This all started because Charlie wanted 50-50 custody . . . When Denise said no. Charlie said, 'Then let a judge decide.' The next day, she comes out with a bunch of bull[bleep] claims.

"Did he gamble on sports? Big deal. Every guy I know does. Show me a guy who hasn't seen porn on the Internet. Does that mean he's not a good father? No. This guy lives for his kids. And she drummed all this up so he can't see his kids. It is the single worst behavior of a parent I have ever seen."

As for Richards' friendly relationship with the paparazzi and her sympathetic portrayal in the tabloids, Burg adds, "There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. Denise needs to go to National Enquirer Anonymous. This shouldn't be fought in the press.

Because we, like every other consumer of tabloid copy, automatically believe the last thing we've read on a subject (remember, today is Keep Publicists Working Day), we're fully siding with Sheen until "worst...parent...ever" Richards' people escalate with a sordid tale of her husband's predilection for online goat-on-teen porn. We must further compliment Sheen's manager for his nicely played, "What healthy heterosexual male doesn't like to bet on football or touch themselves while looking at naked ladies on the internet?" gambit; he stopped that run of Everyman complicity at just the right time, before he lost all but Sheen's Hollywood friends with a bit about the harmlessness of an occasional overindulgence in $15,000 a night call girls.

• DENISE CALLED 'WORST' PARENT [Page Six]

"At the end of the day, Rolling Stone said he needed to dish more on Jessica and Joe Simpson," our source said. "Nick said no . . . in the dark of the night, Jann gave the photos and the interview to Us Weekly."

A source added: "The Us Weekly issue [with an oiled-up, shirtless Lachey on the cover] sold really well in Chelsea, but that's about it. It was the gayest cover in years." Lachey's rep declined to comment; Wenner's rep didn't return calls.

It's yet another tough lesson for Lachey, who keeps finding himself in the unenviable position of being reminded of his second-tier celebrity status. But we can't help but feel the biggest loser in this PR slight is the public. Sure, the Us cover served up some tasty inked beefcake, but the real money shot was on the Rolling Stone cover that never went to press, featuring the titillating image of the "Ex-Househusband of the Year" pushing a Swiffer Wet Jet in nothing but a wife beater, white panties and a pair of hot pink pumps.

• COVER SWITCH ENRAGES NICK [NY Post]

In a bombshell sworn declaration, ex-Bond Girl Richards says she flat-out asked Sheen, 40, if he had anything to do with sex star Chloe Jones' death — and he didn't deny it.

"He said that he had 'no comment,'" Richards states in her papers. "This scared me. [Sheen] threatened me again 'that if I do not agree with his request for joint custody, that I would never make it to court.'"

In March 2005, the 32-DD Jones, 29, sold a story to The National Enquirer, claiming Sheen paid her $15,000 for sex. Shortly after the story hit, Richards, 35, who was pregnant with the couple's second child at the time, filed for divorce.

On June 4, 2005, Jones was found dead in her bed in Houston home. The Daily News has learned the Harris County, Tex., coroner later ruled the death an "accidental" overdose of prescription drugs. [...]

The "Wild Things" actress also claims Sheen frightened her with grisly photos of O.J. Simpson's slain wife, Nicole Brown Simpson. Richards also provided the court with transcripts of six F-word-laced phone messages from Sheen in which he referred to her as a "pregnant c—."

Hiring a porn star to sleep with you for $15,000 is a far cry from having a hand in her OD death, though there's a twisted perversity in using its convenient happenstance to imply the seriousness of your threats against your wife's life—not to mention underscoring your point with helpful "this is what a murdered wife looks like" visual aides. As Goldenfiddle notes, the next episode of Two and a Half Men is appropriately titled "And the Plot Moistens."

• A role for Charlie in XXX star's death? [NY Daily News]

· "I'll tell you how I knew my marriage was over: I was told."

· "Jessica and I began playing these parts (on their MTV reality show Newlyweds) even when we were by ourselves. It became a really blurred line. There was a question about what truly was our reality."

· "I don't pretend to understand (former father-in-law) Joe (Simpson). ... I don't know if he ever liked me. To this day I couldn't say. It was painful. Do I think Joe drove a rift between us? No. Was he an influence in our marriage? Absolutely."

· "I don't know if there were other men. But if she did cheat, it was the result of something bigger, not the reason we didn't work. ... Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just walked in the house and found her in bed with a guy. That would be clear-cut. End of story. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty of adultery."

Instead, Lachey was forced to live with that cuckoldry question mark hanging over his head like a Sword of Damocles. We can only imagine the unsettling seeds of doubt planted when he first caught a glimpse of a framed, 8x10 photo of another man's genitalia sitting on his wife's makeup counter, inscribed "Can't wait to put this back inside you! Love, Johnny K."

• The end, according to Lachey [USAToday.com]

Last August, Nicole Mitchell, Murphy's wife of 13 years, filed for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences." Our source says Mitchell, who's now being represented by Christian Slater's divorce attorney Glenn Buzard, is considering arguing that Murphy breached their prenup agreement.

If she fights the prenup, the reason may indirectly relate to the 1997 incident in which West Hollywood police questioned Murphy for driving in his car with a transvestite prostitute. The scandal, which involved a Samoan streetwalker named Atisone Suiuli, prompted several other cross-dressing hookers to sell stories to the tabloids about their alleged meetings with the actor. Murphy has denied any solicitation for sex occurred. [...]

"In less than 10 days," [alleged Murphy-hired P.I.] Barresi says, "I got them all to sign sworn, videotaped depositions, stating it wasn't Murphy himself, but rather a look-alike, who they'd encountered - with the exception of Suiuli." In 1998, she fell to her death from her L.A. roof.

Interesting that Mitchell chose to cite "irreconcilable differences," over the hotter and in this case, more applicable "fraud" terminology term currently sweeping celebrity divorce proceedings. But regardless of how she words it, proving her case against someone who wields as much influence and money as Eddie could prove to be quite a challenge for the ex-Mrs. Murphy, no matter what the facts suggest. Should she choose that battle, prepare for more ugliness to come, including a long term forecast of raining trannie hookers.

• SCANDAL HAUNTS MURPHY SPLIT [NY Post]
• Eddie Murphy Timeline [Rotten.com]

The announcement came after the Mail on Sunday newspaper reported that Fiennes had had an affair with a Romanian singer.

"Ms. Annis confirms today that she and Ralph Fiennes are to separate," said a statement issued Tuesday by her law firm, Schillings.

Fiennes, 43, and Annis, 61, met while starring in a 1995 stage production of "Hamlet," in which Fiennes played the title role and Annis played his mother. Fiennes was married to actress Alex Kingston at the time, while Annis had three children with photographer Patrick Wiseman.

Schillings said Annis had begun legal action against The Daily Mail newspaper for defamation and invasion of privacy over a story claiming she had forgiven Fiennes for his affair.

We'll assume Annis is pretty pissed, seeing as on top of leaving Fiennes, she also managed to sue a newspaper that had the gall to report she had forgiven the philandering cad. A more conciliatory, not to mention less litigious, route could have seen Fiennes moving to the guest house, and a correction called into the paper along the lines of, "...would like everyone to know the Constant Gardener star is still sleeping on the couch and showering her nightly with expensive diamond jewelry, which she accepts, though she has no plans on taking him back."

• Ralph Fiennes Splits With Longtime Love [AP]

More than an hour after Locklear's publicist spread the word that their 11-year-marriage was kaput, the Bon Jovi guitarist told ABC News Radio in an exclusive interview that things were fine at home.

"It's completely untrue," he insisted, adding that he had Valentine's Day plans with his wife.

It's a good thing that the press got around to tipping him off that his V-Day date was broken, lest he go on blissfully unaware of the bad news. No one wants to find himself tangled in their red silk sheets on February 15th, surrounded by candles melted down to their bases and bottles of unopened champagne bobbing in their buckets, awoken by the sound of the cleaning lady vaccuuming up the trail of rose petals still waiting to lead the wife who's never showing up back to their bedroom.

• Sambora Blindsided by Locklear's Divorce Announcement [ABC News]
• Previously: Another Celebrity Marriage Fails: Locklear Divorcing Sambora [Defamer]

Divorcing couple Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are selling their famous "Newlyweds" home, Rob Shuter, Simpson's publicist, said Monday.

The Calabasas house was featured on the hit MTV show "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica."

The Mediterranean-style house, which includes a screening room and music studio, is being listed for $3.75 million, People magazine reported.

The asking price seems a bargain in exchange for owning what is arguably the undisputed king of all reality TV McMansions. Imagine being able to tell your friends you sleep in the very same room where Nick and Jessica pretended to not be repulsed by each other for the night vision cameras, as helpful father/career coach Joe Simpson sat crouched in the closet, pleading in hushed tones for the two to consummate their fake love, if not for him, "then for a third season pick-up!"

UPDATE: Sold! To one of the Malcolm in the Middle kids. Details after the jump.

The actor who plays the non-titular middle child on Malcolm in the Middle, Justin Berfield, has snatched up the Lachey-Simpson Newlyweds home, according to his hilariously named publicist:

Hope Diamond, Berfield's publicist, confirmed the sale Tuesday, but wouldn't disclose the price.

The 19-year-old Berfield plays the bullying middle child, Reese, on Fox's "Malcolm in the Middle."

A hearty congratulations to Berfield on his wisely spent syndication money investment. May it afford him years of luxury appointment, minus the burdens of 24-hour camera crews and blindly ambitious, fame-hungry spouses.

• Simpson-Lachey 'Newlyweds' house for sale [AP]
• 'Malcolm' Actor Buys Simpson-Lachey House [AP]
• Previously: No, Really, This Time It s For Real: Nick And Jessica Split [Defamer]

Hollywood insiders have long buzzed that Swank, 31, with her two Oscar wins, has simply gotten too powerful for Lowe, 38, who has been in a handful of B movies since his Emmy win for the 1997 series "Life Goes On," in which he played an AIDS-stricken teenager.

"It's been hard for Chad to live in her shadow," says one source. "He's gotten tired of being Mr. Hilary Swank."

And thus Lowe's camp is the first to make the dignity-saving claim that he might have been the motivating force behind the break-up. Regardless of the actual dumped/dumpee alignment, we imagine that he was indeed pretty tired of enduring a couple of years of getting trussed up in a tuxedo, only to be emasculated by sitting in front of awards night dinner placards identifying him as "Unconfirmed Swank Guest."

• Swank's marriage is at Lowe ebb [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Chad Lowe Swank’d [Defamer]

• Bye, bye love [MSNBC.com]

"She's happy to have a house that's hers," someone close to the pop star tells PEOPLE. "This is the first time she's making her own decisions." Among them: keeping the divorce proceedings as quiet as possible by requesting the case be assigned to a private judge and not aired in open court.

Some details are known, however. Simpson asked that she not pay alimony to her soon-to-be ex-husband, Nick Lachey though it s not clear that Lachey ever wanted it.

He may not want any of Simpson's pity money now, but once the coffers run dry and ABC politely turns down his pitch to reformat The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour as The Dave and Carmen Variety Hour Featuring Neighbor Nick, we imagine Lachey will start to regret not having fought harder for his rightful piece of the fortune his marriage of mutual career convenience helped amass.

• Jessica & Nick Move On [People]
• Previously: BREAKING! Jessica Simpson Reads The Real Estate Ads! [Defamer]

October 26th, 2005

Saw Mike Myers walking with head down, looking normal but self-conscious, on Bleecker and Bank Street.

November 22, 2005

Spotted a disheveled, bloated Mike Myers today (11/19) passing by the MoMa design store in Soho with a gay artiste-type friend. Couldn't decide if the companion was more Karl Lagerfeld or Andy Warhol but he definitely upped the hip factor of homeless-looking Austin Powers.

December 12th, 2005

Last night outside Webster Hall at around 7:30, Mike Myers of SNL/Shrek fame stumbled past us, then proceeded to stumble up 11th street toward 4th Avenue, lingering on the block while looking terrible and talking on a cell phone. Perhaps he was practicing for his upcoming role as Keith Moon, but the man looked as bad as its possible to look, and after about 20 minutes of awkwardly bumping into walls and such, hopefully found his way somewhere safe.

Sadly, there's nothing funny about a broken heart. Not even a strategically placed privates-obscuring zucchini and pair of oranges could lighten our mood knowing Mr. Myers is bumming so.

• Mike Myers and the Gawker Stalker Trail [The Apiary]
• Previously: Mike Myers Announces Divorce In Hilarious British Accent [The Apiary]

Publicist Ina Treciokas says, "They remain committed and caring friends. [...]

Myers turned an imitation of Ruzan's mother, Linda Richman, into a widely popular "Saturday Night Live" character of the same name. The sketch featured an extravagantly Jewish hostess of a fictional talk show titled "Coffee Talk" and made viewers laugh with her Barbara Streisand obsession and her frequent use of Yiddishisms like "verklempt."

The couple has no children.

Without his shayna maidel muse around to advise him, we fear that nothing will now stand between Myers and his penchant for indulging in annoying, UK-accented characters. Ironically, after your child demands a fifth viewing of Fat Bastard's Lost Treasure featuring Agent Austin Powers: A Shrek DVD Adventure, you may start wishing you had quit while you were ahead, too.

• Mike Myers And Wife End Marriage [All Headline News]
• Previously: Trade Round-Up: Mike Myers To Shout In British Accent [Defamer]

• Kathy Griffin Seeks Big D [E! Online]
• Trump's wife pregnant [Reuters]