Medium star Arquette has filed for divorce from Hung star Thomas Jane, claiming "irreconcilable differences." The couple had a child together in 2003, and were married in the summer of 2006. There was no prenup.

Meanwhile, Ghost Whisperer star Love Hewitt has called off her engagement of a little over a year to Scottish fiancé Ross McCall, People reports:

"They broke up over the holidays and have ended their engagement," says a source close to the couple. "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."

We're saddened by the news on both fronts, but remain confident that once they've worked through the heartbreak, both juggsy clairvoyants will have no trouble recalibrating their ghost-detecting racks to pick up on the frequency of an even more supernatural specter—quality unattached straight guys living in L.A.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Fiancé Split [People]
• Arquette's Romance No Longer True [TMZ]

Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom:

The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another."

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counselors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

To each their own, of course, but "Contract, Guy, contract"? Worst. Safe word. Ever.

• http://www.link.com">Marriage 'contract' controlled Guy's life [The Sun]

· Madonna's inner-circle (a 450-person-strong army consisting of stylists, trainers, hair & makeup people, plastic surgeons, background singers and Voguers, and one horseback riding instructor) claim Ritchie's nickname is "Material Guy," for his notorious gold-digging tendencies. [The Sun]
· A-Rod is shopping around for real estate near Madonna's apartment on the Upper West Side, and is closing in on an $80 million, 5,200-square-foot penthouse in the new Robert A.M. Stern condo going up there. [NY Daily News]
· In the NYC-London battle royale for Madonna's presence, look for New York to win. She accepted a life in London for Ritchie's sake. That means a Brooklyn accent should return within the year! Yay! [People]
· Unless of course you believe the story that says her heart is in London, and she could never leave. [Daily Mail]
· Ritchie reportedly infuriating Madonna when she learned he humiliated daughter Lourdes by pointing out her budding breasts and saying she's "becoming a woman" over lunch. [The Sun]
· Ritchie claims he's being spied upon by Madonna's camp, saying, "this is a divorce, not the Cold War." [The Sun]
· Madonna and kids arrived at the Chelsea Piers sports facility in New York with a massive security duty—and in a particularly nice touch, Rocco was wearing a Yankees T-shirt. Both he and sister Lourdes were photographed laughing and playing. [Daily Mail]
· African demi-orphan David Banda's biological father is apparently listening in to the developments on his battery-operated Aiwa radio in disgust, telling The Sun: "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him." [Newsday]

Compare that, then, with this interview, taken a few weeks earlier at TIFF, in which Extra cornered the director to ask him about his Untitled Kabbalah Project I Have No Intention of Completing Once I Get What's-Her-Face Out of My Life. When asked if Madonna was contributing to the project, Ritchie's lolly-headed animus barely conceals contempt for his insufferable wife and her Purim-centric belief system.

[Photo credit: Splash News via Crazy Days and Nights]

• TIFF Interview with Guy Ritchie [Extra]

They dont have an NYC house—they both stay at the Mercer Hotel when in town. Also: She's not getting ANY of the houses. They were all in his name. He's buying her home, but he keeps Hawaii and all of the LA homes. And she signed a pretty airtight prenup (which is why they split right before the ten-year mark). She is getting more, but not $12 mil a year.

We're still waiting to see the legal documents TMZ refers to in their story. In the meantime, we'll turn back to the only science we can rely on in these contradictory times—the stars—for guidance. We're a Grazer with a Bruckheimer rising. What are you?

• Previously: Who Gets What In The Brian And Gigi Grazer Divorce [Defamer]

Grazer's cash haul per year is $28 million, 13 mil of which came from just his production co. salary. The rest comes from "corporate distributions ... perquisites ... as well as interest and dividend income."

Gigi is asking for nearly a million per month in child and spousal support ($988,184), including a grand per month for "furniture and appliance replacement" at their Hawaii house. She spends $7K for "fine art" every month ... just for their NYC pad. But here's the good news for Brian — she's only asking for $42 a month to clean the New York pad.

It's really up to the individual to decide when the moment is right to pull open the bedroom drapes and let the sun shine onto a new chapter in one's life. Perhaps it takes a grueling, 28-day laptop Wack-A-Grazer marathon—with breaks only to address basic bodily functions and scrape some sustenance out from the bottom of a frosting container—to emerge from the other side fully intact, confident that $1 million plus cable series residuals will offer enough of a mental cushion to hit the Hollywood husband circuit again.

• Brian Grazer's Got a Lot of Gs to Deal With [TMZ]

"[They] are involved in a divorce action,” the actor’s Mississippi-based attorney and business partner Bill Luckett told Access Hollywood.

“And for legal and practical purposes, [Freeman and Colley-Lee] have been separated since December of 2007.”

That's an eight month severance—plenty of time for the actor to pursue a 2 Fast 2 Freeman lifestyle with a far more compliant mistress in a tricked-out '97 Nissan with gull-wing doors and a rear-spoiler the size of a humpback whale's tail. We imagine it's only a matter of time before he's pried out from the twisted wreckage of his marriage with the Jaws of Alimony.

• Morgan Freeman & Wife Divorcing After 24 Years Of Marriage [Access Hollywood]

· A day after his wife filed for divorce, A-Rod sat down with Rabbi Michael Berg, the Kabbalah Centre director, who prescribed inhaling the fumes from one Kabbalah™ brand God-scented incense stick and the uttering of four Hail Moseses for his philandering sins. [People]
· As far back as six months ago, Rodriguez was sitting at a restaurant exchanging text messages with Madonna, telling his anonymous dining companion, that he was "in love with her." A couple months later, he told the same friend, "'She's my f—king soulmate, dude.'" The friend couldn't recall any other things he might have said, but that "another $50,000 might jog my memory." [usmagazine.com]

• EXCLUSIVE: Rep: Drew Barrymore & Justin Long Split [usmagazine.com]
• Star Exclusive! Drew Barrymore and Justin Long: It's Over! [starmagazine.com]

Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands tomorrow, that Madonna's seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie has stalled out – and the singer has been hosting late-night visits from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez at her Central Park West apartment in New York City.

A ringless and grim-faced Ritchie, 39, arrived in New York City from London yesterday after several weeks apart from his family

A source tells Us that the $28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out "as late as midnight." Says the source, "All the doormen are talking."

Alex Rodriguez? A-Rod? The Cooler? The Dominican Whammy? (OK, we may have made up that last nickname.) We're having a hard time processing this. And yet suddenly, things are starting to fall into place: The family-sans-Guy outings to Yankee Stadium. The pinstriped bustiers. The persistent, "Mommy: Is A-Rod my new daddy now?" line of questioning from a confused Rocco. And yet—we still refused to believe the Madge-Rod rumors. Until, as if by clockwork, this arrived in our mailbox: "'Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving),' Liz Rosenberg told PEOPLE. 'There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce.' [...] Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary,' Rosenberg says. 'They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that.'"

Oh God—a Liz Rosenberg denial. She might as well be nailing the entire team.

• EXCLUSIVE: NY Yankee Making Late-Night Visits to Madonna's Apartment [usmagazine.com]
• Madonna's Rep: No Divorce, No Affair [People]

Bill Murray is a drug-addicted spousal abuser and serial adulterer who has abandoned his family, according to a scathing divorce filing by his estranged wife.

Jennifer Murray alleges that the Academy Award-nominated actor's "adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment" led her in 2006 to move into a separate South Carolina home with the couple's four children. [...]

Murray contends that the comedian physically abused her on several occasions during their marriage (they were wed in 1997) and that the star hit her in the face during a November 2007 confrontation in her home. During that incident, the May 12 complaint alleges, the 57-year-old performer "told her she was 'lucky he didn't kill her.'"

Certainly, Murray is preceded by a reputation for not always being entirely a joy to be around: Even Scarlett Johansson, who includes him among the "five dads" who taught her everything she knows about how to best employ the Electra complex to one's career advantage, admits that he was perhaps the scariest of all her set-daddies. By the same token, the idiosyncratic actor's behavior has grown even more erratic of late, as manifested by a regrettable international incident in which he mowed down several herring stands on the streets of Stockholm, drunkenly piloting a golf cart he briefly mistook for a mighty Viking vessel. We can only hope the ensuing legal proceedings won't grow even uglier, with yet further accusations of inappropriate conduct involving mentor-hungry co-stars and turf-friendly mobility devices.

• Bill Murray Accused Of Drug, Spouse Abuse [thesmokinggun.com]

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

But, "Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?"

In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen's hot sitcom, "Two and a Half Men," which "eventually will net her up to $25 million," the source said. [...]

With Richards' financial needs accounted for, the question remains: Why? Why subject herself and her children to constant, craftily story-edited observation when she could have just as easily have spared them the experience? Perhaps the show itself will provide the elusive answers, and so now, it's just a matter of waiting until Denise Richards: Yes, I Actually Exist—Kill Yourselves, Kill Yourselves Now premieres to scrutinize it for possible clues.

• SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL [NY Post]

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that the Oscar winner's new love is brunette Cindy Mort, a producer and screenwriter she met on the set of her 2007 film The Brave One.

The 47-year-old star's new squeeze is the former partner of thirtysomething actress Melanie Mayron — with whom she has two children!

Meanwhile, 55-year-old Cydney Bernard is still living with Jodie but their romance is over, say sources. [...]

To complicate matters, Cindy, 51, remains friends with her ex-partner Melanie — and the two women live in separate houses on the same Los Angeles street.

Jodie plans to move into one of [Mort's] Hollywood homes full-time, and ex-Cydney will live in another, disclosed a source close to Jodie.

Confused? We'd recommend taking a cue from The L Word's opening credits, and drawing a map on a dry-erase board plotting every prop penis, French bulldog visitation, and joint Home Depot credit card application to emerge from this all-lady love-parallelogram.

• JODIE FOSTER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND [Enquirer]

• WATCH VIDEO

"I am continuing to look for work, but I have no offers pending and the impending strike by the Screen Actors Guild reduces my prospects for work even further," Heche, 38, writes in court papers. [...]

In a court declaration, Heche indicated her financial straits were dire and that she can no longer afford to pay the $14,798 in monthly support, along with private school tuition for her 6-year-old son Homer, the mortgage on her house in Canada where Men In Trees filmed, rent on her Los Angeles home and car expenses.

She further testifies that she has been unemployed except for "one very short-term contract for a movie role," for which she was paid $65,000, or "approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men In Trees," and that her business manager recently informed her that she has "a total of $34,840.93 in all of my accounts as of May 13, 2008." All this was compelling enough evidence for the judge to grant Heche a pass on her next month's installment. Next, Heche's lawyers may actually take the unusual strategy of arguing the financial-insanity defense, pointing as evidence to the actress's utterly insane decision to invest in the Canadian real estate market while employed on an iffy-fated series at best, as the U.S. dollar swirled 'round the shitter. It's unlikely to sway the courts, but still, all hope is not lost: With the overturning by the California Supreme Court of the gay marriage ban just minutes ago, sexuality free-agent Heche can get reacquainted with her Sapphic side, and make an honest woman out of the newly single and extremely financially stable Jodie Foster!

• Anne Heche: I Can't Afford Child Support [People]
• Anne Heche Crazy Broke [TMZ]

[T]he National Inquirer [sic] magazine claims the pair have now parted ways.

A source is quoted in the publication as saying: "Jodie's break up with Cydney is shocking.

"She and Cydney have been together for so many years and have two children together - the potential fallout and legal wrangling from this could be monumental."

Assuming the Enquirer isn't wrong about this—and, let's face it, they rarely are—we must say we find the development devastating. For if two strong, glass-closeted, 40-something women with kids can't make it in this crazy world, what chance do the rest of us have? Excuse us for a moment, will you, while we seal ourselves inside our "Oh My God—We're Going To Die Alone!" Panic Room (aka the couch, with a Costco-sized Pringles tube and a DVRful of Divorce Court) until the wolves of despair journey on.

• Jodie Foster 'calls off her 14-year lesbian relationship' [DailyMail.co.uk]

STAR JONES (46) has filed for divorce from husband of three-and-a-half years AL REYNOLDS (39).

The filing took place on March 26 in New York Supreme Court in Manhattan. Starlet M. Jones versus Al S. Reynolds was marked as an "Uncontested Matrimonial" case by the court and the records were sealed.

In a statement released exclusively to Entertainment Tonight, the former View co-host says: "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman."

As tempting as it is for Pollyanna Jones to turn all of this heartache into a refreshing batch of divorceade, the New Star, a persona refined on her short-lived Court TV talk show, would never seek to pair the end of her marriage with crass sponsorships. Much to media and trial-watchers' chagrin, there will therefore be no free samples of Cinnabon, Herbal Essences, and OUT magazine distributed during custody hearings over the fate of the couple's only child, their much fussed-upon maltese, Pinky.

• Star Jones Files For Divorce [ETOnline]

The couple's pals told Britain's Sun newspaper yesterday they're already living separate lives, having divided their country and city homes into "his and hers quarters" to avoid each other.

"The marriage is hanging by a thread. No one doubts they adore their three kids, but the children seem to be the only reason they are living this strange loveless existence," one friend of the couple told the paper.

Madonna is headed to Manhattan with Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David, 2, Britain's News of the World reports, quoting one source: "Madonna and Guy are over. It's all very amicable. They've just fallen out of love with each other."

Baloney, says Madonna's rep, Liz Rosenberg. "All is well and wonderful in the Ritchie household," she told us. "Their marriage is definitely not hanging by a thread. Madonna has no plans to move to New York . . . Separate wings? I think not. I am delighted to confirm [they] remain happily married . . . They're still both sharing Cloud 9 - as opposed to Client 9, ha-ha!"

Despite her warhorse flack's admirable attempt at defusing the snowballing story with some slightly stale, philandering-politico humor, the clues keep piling up: Under the unfeeling headling "Lonely wives club," Mrs. Ritchie was spotted by the Daily Mail dining with fellow U.S.-shunning celebrity expat Gwyneth Paltrow last night, without their respective, significantly pasty others in tow. They even goes so far as to suggest that Paltrow and Chris Martin's marriage is also...gasp..."enduring rumours of discord," with the couple only staying together for the sake of the produce.

• MADGE, GUY ACT LIKE IT'S OVER [NY Post]
• Lonely wives club: Madonna and Gwyneth out together... as publicist denies split rumours [Daily Mail]