Our hearty congratulations go out to the lucky deviant who gets to wait up all night for the UPS delivery truck, then tear into the box the next morning and lower their face into packing peanuts for a first, sinfully delicious whiff of The Girl with the Pearl Sinus Oyster. [eBay]

The lucky recipients are the Phoenix Police Department, whose fine men and women patrol the streets of the Rules of Engagement star's hometown. A press release explains why:

Asking there be no fanfare or media attention, Mr. Spade called last week and said he wanted to donate $100,000.00 to the Phoenix Police Department towards the purchase of rifles to help keep our patrol officers and community safe.

At 9:30 A.M., Mr. Spade stopped by the Phoenix Police Department's Desert Horizon Precinct and gave a check to Chief Harris made out to the Phoenix Police Foundation, a 501C3 status charitable organization led by long time foundation board president Marc Cavness, a local prominent attorney. The foundation will direct the full amount towards the purchase of the rifles.

It's certainly a nice gesture, conjuring the image of delighted rookie recruits lingering 'round the station house Christmas tree, lifting each of the dozens of individually wrapped, rifle-shaped packages piled beneath it to their ears and shaking them vigorously, as Chief Harris admonishes lovingly that they'll "just have to wait until the 25th to find out what Spade-y Claus brought you all this year!"

• David Spade Donates $100,000 to Phoenix Police Department for New Rifles [blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com]

From eBay:

During her 12/17/08 appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Scarlett Johansson blamed her cold on The Spirit co-star Samuel L. Jackson, saying she caught it from him. She believed that for this reason her cold had some "value." During her appearance on The Tonight Show, she blew her nose into a tissue provided by Jay Leno. All proceeds of this sale will benefit USA Harvest, the charity of Scarlett Johansson's choice.

Accompanying the item description is a helpful FAQ, submitted by eBay users with more than a passing interest in the mucousy refuse (current high bid: $2,151.00). Still, not all our questions were answered, so we've compiled for you something we're calling

The Five Most Fascinating Defamer Questions Regarding Scarlett Johansson's Snotty Charity Kleenex, As Answered by Scarlett Johansson

5. Q: How do we know it wasn't cloned?
A: I'm glad you asked that! There's been a circulating rumor that I was cloned in a laboratory in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria. I assure you that I am the real Scarlett, however, and what you're bidding on won't have that tinny, cloned aftertaste.

4. Q: We hear The Spirit is pretty awful. Are its contents more awful than the contents of that tissue?
A: I'd say they are awful in different ways, but also similar in that they both contain only the colors black, red, and white.

3. Q: Why weren't you a better sport about publicizing Vicky Cristina Barcelona at Cannes? You were my muse!
A: Woody?
Q: *Click*

2. Q: Can you throw a Ryan Reynolds crispy-nap into the bargain?
A: No.

1. Q: Scarlett is a bloody cunt / L / Peace and love / [illegible] / fucker?
A. Do you want the Kleenex or not, Lindsay?

• OWN TISSUE FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON & SAM JACKSON [eBay via Lisanti Quarterly]

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• VH1 Classic Rock Autism [VH1]

"Before the vaccination, he was huggy, lovey, snuggly," she says in the newest issue of Us Weekly. "Then it was like someone came down and stole him."

McCarthy, 36, remembers when Evan began to come out of his shell while watching a SpongeBob episode. "I heard Evan laugh...I jumped on the bed and started screaming."

She adds, "When he finally hugged me, I prayed, 'Please God don't let this be the only time.'"

 [...]

"I made a deal with God," she explains. "I said, 'You fix my boy, you show me the way and I'll teach the world how I did it.'"



As you can see from the accompanying photographs, Evan appears to be a perfectly happy, healthy, mom-groping little boy. We can only hope the Travoltas—who too are rumored to have a child with the disorder—are soon made aware of McCarthy's holistic approach, and that a gluten-free lifestyle will have their little one honking Kelly Preston's jubblies in no time.

• Jenny McCarthy: My Son No Longer Has Autism [Us]

"A visit to the set of Spider-Man 4 (one shooting day)...A meet and greet with the cast (1 hour)...A walk-on/ extra role in the film for the auction winner only (Role and length of screen time to be determined by Sony Pictures)...

Designer outfits to wear to premiere for winner and guest from top designers (Designers to be chosen by Sony Pictures...Winner and guest may keep the outfits)"

As /Film points out, however, Spider-Man 4 hasn't actually gotten a greenlight yet. But presuming it does—who doesn't want to see how things played out after Tobey Maguire (or was it Topher Grace?) dirty danced with Kirsten Dunst (or was it Bryce Dallas Howard?)—we think this will be an experience you'll not soon forget, particularly if a sadistic PR exec insists your outfits be designed by Ace Uniforms, "Southern California's first name in quality caterwaiterwear."

• Spider-Man 4 Premiere, Meet & Greets, Walk On + More [eBay via /Film]

Rather, Damon was transformed through the magic of A/V editing into the comely mouthpiece for a wide variety of American voices, "among them Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain and Mayor Bloomberg." It's an effective gimmick, if a little unfair to John McCain, who now can't help but hide his disappointment every time he rolls over in bed to the sound of his wife's voice, only to find a smiling Cindy instead of that dreamycakes actor from the Bourne movies.

• Ta Da! Debuting Our New TV Ad. [ONE.org]

Historically speaking, ballroom dancing is considered to be an incredibly hetero environment. There's nobody "light in the loafers" on that stage. The constant bedazzling of the purple, stretch satin leisure suits is not so much a fashion statement as it is a safety precaution: you need those sparkly guides to assist you during all that hetero twirling. So the announcement of male partners comes as shock to many, but as always, Hollywood is ready to plan massive events to support this radical cause.

First up will undoubtedly be a massive A-List gala. Co-chaired by Elton John and T.R. Knight, the benefit will feature Eva Longoria-Parker, Victoria Beckett, Liz Taylor (scheduled to appear before 4PM), and cause-whore Sharon Stone, but only after promising not to speak.

Throwing "quieter" support behind the cause are Hollywood's Four Stooges – Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Cheadle. These four often opt out of attending flashy, public events. Per usual, they'll hold a far more civilized and appropriate gathering in Vegas called Poker Playing Celebrities United Behind Male Dance Couples.

And rounding out the trifecta of celebrity support will surely be the all-important PSA. We can't forget you, Julia, Tom, Cameron, Reese, Ben and Jen. Male dance couples everywhere will be thanking you for your overly earnest remarks.

Way to go, Hollywood!

• Celebrity Side Dish [NYDN]

It was only once he explained that he had once been engaged to Jennifer Lopez ("You mean the actress from Money Train?" a young voice intoned) that a wave of recognition washed over the children, with one shyly fishing out a half-finished screenplay—"It's like Cheaper By The Dozen, but with an ecological, global-village message"—and humbly requesting Ben pass it along to his brother Casey for consideration.

• GOODWILL HUNTING [People]

• Bill Cosby Charity Auction [eBay]

Hilton's journeys continue until the end of the month; if you'd like to know exactly where Paris's Global Safari of Peace is at any given moment—distributing fragrance samples to those who need it most while smuggling elephant shrew or two into a Louis Vuitton carry-on—Celebslam.com has obtained a copy of her day-by-day itinerary. Good news for the citizens of Istanbul: She's coming your way to judge Miss Turkey 2008!

[Photos: EPA/KIM LUDBROOK]

• Hilton visits Pretoria orphanage [sabcnews.com via DListed]
• Paris Hilton lives the good life [Celebslam]

• oprah.com

We've now read this CNN.com story about the incident twice, however, and failed both times to find any mention of the broad, Spielberg-boycotting actions referred to in the headline. (The 10th paragraph does mention that they are preparing a response.) Still, should Spielberg find himself a director non grata inside the borders of the most populous nation on the planet—subjected to a Supreme and Glorified People's Movie Ratings Committee-sanctioned protest in which every copy of the director's oeuvre (except 1941, Hook, and The Terminal) was incinerated in a massive, air-polluting bonfire staged in Tiananmen Square—it seems a small price to pay for following one's conscience.

• Olympic organizers mull Spielberg boycott [CNN.com]

"After careful consideration, I have decided to formally announce the end of my involvement as one of the overseas artistic advisers to the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Olympic Games."

"I have made repeated efforts to encourage the Chinese government to use its unique influence to bring safety and stability to the Darfur region of Sudan. Although some progress has been made ...the situation continues to worsen and the violence continues to accelerate."

"With this in mind, I find that my conscience will not allow me to continue with business as usual. At this point, my time and energy must be spent not on Olympic ceremonies, but on doing all I can to help bring an end to the unspeakable crimes against humanity that will continue to be committed in Darfur.

While we respect Spielberg's decision, we must admit to being more than a little disappointed at the outcome. If the rumors were true, audiences will now be robbed of witnessing one of Olympics history's most spectacular set pieces, in which the entire Israeli cycling team would take miraculous flight across a moonlit Beijing sky, a blanket-wrapped Mary Lou Retton leading the way with one illuminated finger outstretched.

• Spielberg pulls out of Olympics [Variety]

"People aren't stupid," said Peter Walker, director of the Feinstein International Famine Center at Tufts University.

"They can really sense when it's just an endorsement and when somebody really means it. Someone like Angelina Jolie comes across as having more integrity than some celebrities and a greater sense that she doesn't just do this for the publicity."

You know, like Madonna.

"Madonna seems to do philanthropy the way she's done Indian culture, sex, and just about everything — like a disposable fad," said one anonymous voter. "Hope she doesn't get bored of her adopted African kid."

Not to worry: By that time, she'll be bored of her biological children and they'll be old enough to finish raising him. (Last resort: regifting.)

• Angelina Jolie tops Reuters' celebrity do-gooder poll [Reuters]

To sweeten the deal, if the reserve is met, the Apocalypto director has promised to further personalize the garment by inscribing it with a memorable line from the auction winner's favorite Gibson movie or drunken racist rant, though having him write the word "Sugar" on one rear pocket and "Tits" on the other will cost a premium. Come on, now, bidders: This is for a good cause.

• The Kathy Hilton Wishing Tree for the Make-A-Wish Foundation [wish.org]
• Kathy Hilton Wishing Tree [eBay]