Here's how it works: You simply pick any NYC borough or neighborhood within that borough, add a Jungle Book character (you can select from a list here, or here, or if you're feeling too constrained, just pick any Disney protagonist of your liking), then affix the surname of an overexposed celebrity. We'll get you started:

1. DUMBO Toomai of the Elephants Hilton
2. Ozone Park Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Longoria Parker
3. Gowanus Chuchundra Banks

Now what are you waiting for? Have at it!

[Photo credit: Flickr]

• Baby-name experts grade `Bronx Mowgli' [AP]

David Spade is the father of a baby girl born last week in Missouri to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, the actor's rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

"David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement," Spade's rep, Meredith O'Sullivan, tells PEOPLE.

If you actually stopped to run the numbers, this was bound to have happened eventually. We're relieved, then, that when it finally did, Spade decided to step up to the plate, and didn't try to worm his way out with one of those, "Well, that's impossible. We used protection...The rhythm method is protection... Well does she look like me? What does 'exactly' mean, exactly? Just tell me this: Is there any chance she might be half black? You know what—I'm going to forward you to my manager, and you tell him what you want and we'll work something out. Look, I'm sorry, I'm really needed back on the Rules set right now. Love you miss you bye bye K? Bye byeeee...*click*" That would have just been petty.

• David Spade Becomes a Dad [People]

[Photo Credit: AP]

• My Name Is Earl Star Jason Lee Has Baby Girl! [Us]

The Latin superstar, 36, welcomed twin boys via a surrogate mother a few weeks ago, his rep tells the Associated Press.

"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full-time care," the statement read.

"Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children."

You hear that, ravenous news media? If you don't see or hear from Ricky Martin over the next year, it's not because you didn't see or hear from him over this past year. And if he elects to support his new brood with a speedo-wearing manny, well, who's to argue?

[photo credit: AP]

• BREAKING NEWS: Singer Ricky Martin Welcomes Twin Boys [Us]

RUMER Willis used to hate her name. The daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis tells this Sunday's Page Six Magazine that when she was 12, she realized she "got screwed."

My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames," she says. "When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.' " She also says she was shocked to be named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People this year: "After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way."

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you expecting celebrity parents. We realize children can be cruel, but really now: "Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor?" And as if that weren't enough, Willis had to withstand comparisons to Jay Leno, the late night talk show equivalent of a benign, hirsute growth. Talullah didn't know how easy she had it, with a name almost impossible to rhyme with anything suitably humiliating. ("Talullah, Talullah, with all that Die Hard 2 Moolah!")

• BLAME MY NAME [Page Six]

Matthew McConaughey says the birth of his son will help bring a little joy to others in the world someday. The actor kept the placenta from the July birth of his son and plans to plant it in an orchard, he tells CNN's "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta" in interview scheduled to air in two parts Aug. 9 and Aug 16.

McConaughey says he hopes it will fertilize the land, a ritual long followed in several cultures.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he says, according to an interview transcript. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

"This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

Were that all, for the Fool's Gold star then plans of harvesting the symbiotic-fluid-enriched pears and apples yielded by little Levi's lifesack, pressing them into the most deliciously life-affirming hard ciders available anywhere in the country. Look for an aggressive "Mighty McConaughey's Afterbirth Ale" TV and radio campaign to hit major markets shortly, only slightly creepier than the one he recently voiced for the National Cattleman's Beef Association.

• Matthew McConaughey to plant placenta in orchard [Yahoo News]

1. Spawn
Clay
Sex: Male
Name: Parker Foster Aiken
Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz.
Birth Defects: Highlights

Matthew
Sex: Male
Name: Levi Alves McConaughey
Weight: 7 lbs., 4 oz.
Birth Defects: One flip-flop

2. Privacy
Clay
Shield your newborn for as long as possible from the public eye, then premiere him on The View at age four-days-old.

Matthew
Flashbulb innoculation: Subject early and often to as many red-carpet events as possible. Try not to forget car seat cradle on a counter of marked-down "Paris For President" T-shirts at Kitson.

3. Bonding
Clay
Father-son spa days...Front row seats to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular...Blind cheesecake taste-testings.

Matthew
Mutual wingman duties while combing Maui for honeys...bong shopping...post-weightlifting body-scrutinizing sessions.

4. Bedtime Rituals
Clay
Laser tooth whitening...Re-telling of the story of Goldilocks and the Big Fat Ruben Studdard...Christmas carols regardless of season...reassurances that there are no razor-toothed Claymates lurking under the bed.

Matthew
1000 crunches...bongo-accompanied African tribal lullaby...Reminder to "stay strong, little man" before administration of tender kiss on forehead.

• Clay Aiken welcomes baby boy [MSNBC]
• Matthew McConaughey's Son Levi Makes Red Carpet Debut [Usmagazine.com]

• Meet Vivienne & Knox Jolie-Pitt [People]

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

"We ended up having an epidural because, on the large contractions, the umbilical cord was being compressed. They went in and tried the vacuum. This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing! And I mean that as a beautiful thing. It is wild. But the vacuum didn't work, and the doctor said, 'C-section.'

"I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila],' Matthew said.

You'd think for $3 mil, they'd have forked over a couple shots of the beaming, shirtless new father, chest heaving and drenched in a variety of bodily fluids as he held aloft his bepeckered Prince Simba to the strains of "Drum Circle of Life." Oh well. We'll take what we can get.

• World Exclusive: Matthew & Camila's Baby Boy! [OK!]

[Photo credit: AP]

• Angelina Jolie [news.yahoo.com]

The child — the first for McConaughey and model Camila Alves — was born on Monday evening, the report quoted the actor's publicist as saying.

McConaughey, 38, said in January that he and Alves were "stoked and wowed" by the pending arrival.

Help name him in our Name Matthew McConaughey's Son Poll after the jump!

While no name has yet been announced, we thought we'd contribute in our own small way by compiling this list of possible names for the little guy, and letting you vote on your favorites. We'll be sure to send along the results to Matthew and his happy family!

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

• Baby joy for McConaughey [Reuters]

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.

Would he announce that her twins had been born? That remained a mystery; the hospital wouldn't say.

Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was seen leaving the seafront Lenval hospital Wednesday morning with one of their four young children.

At this point, any announcement from Dr. Sussmann at the very least better contain the words, "Nous ici à Saint-Angelina Divin sur la Côte d'Azur sommes ravis d'annoncer que l'utérus sacré a vidé. Mlle Jolie est maintenant l'heureux propriétaire de jumeaux, de sexe indéterminé."* We'd like to see this news conference end in cheers, cigars, and the sounds of popping champagne corks—not a mob of exhausted and unruly celebrity journalists pummeling the Hardest Working Obstetrician in Show Business.

*"We here at Saint-Angelina Divine on the French Riviera are delighted to announce that the sacred uterus has emptied. Miss Jolie is now the proud owner of twins, sex undetermined."

UPDATE: Dr. Sussmann has delivered his statement, and we're afraid it's yet more disappointment. From usmagazine.com:

Angelina Jolie hasn't given birth yet, her obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussman, said Wednesday at a French Riviera hospital. Asked when Jolie is expected to have her twins, he replied "in the weeks to come."

How much more of this can we take? All we want is to welcome the Chosen Twins and the helium is fast leaking from our Welcome Baby Saviors! mylar balloons!

• Angelina Jolie Hospital Details [AP/HuffPo]

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital.

While that's a pedestrian translation at best (they forgot about all the "A Closer world exclusive! All mentions must credit Closer! Long live the Republic!" stuff), they've managed to capture the central concept: The Chosen Twins are back, for the very first time. Beyond that, details—including whether their names are Isla, Amelie, Eloise, Madeline, Gigi, Irma La Douce, or some other beloved character from the French fiction canon—are scarce. Developing!

Ohmaga! There's a development already:

In Touch has learned that the Wanted star did check into the Hospital Lenval's Santa Maria clinic in Nice, France on June 30. "Ms. Jolie came to the hospital last night as part of a pre-planned rest period, before she gives birth," Nadine Bauer, spokeswoman for the hospital tells In Touch. "The visit has been planned for a long time, there are no complications. She is just resting" Bauer adds. Angelina's babies are expected to be delivered by French doctor Michele Sussmann and her regular OBGYN Jason Rothbart, who is due to fly to Europe later this week.

Merde. Oh well, c'est la vie. And don't forget—toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site intouchweekly.hollywood.com.

• Angelina Jolie In Hospital To Have Her Twins [HuffPo]
• Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ! [Closermag.fr]

Maddie already excels at pointe, tap, jazz, liturgical, and belly dance styles, and, even more impressively, has in her few short hours on the planet already completed the "Comfort For The Camera," "Selling Yourself," and "Just Us Kids!" classes at the Sid Mamane Lil' Stars Acting Studio in Pacoima. Congratulations to all, and if we could wish the family one thing, it's for a life far from the pole for their precious little one. (Oh, and that paparazzi helicopters don't ruin the Bapt'sm BBQ Hoedown later this month.)

• BREAKING NEWS: Jamie Lynn Spears Gives Birth [USmagazine.com]

The Fool's Gold star was in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua, on June 6 drinking himself into a near-stupor at the Iguana Bar, while groping and hitting on a number of women, Star has learned.

"He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old," claims an eyewitness who was at the bar. "He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

"A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, 'I've lost my flip-flops!'"

While there's something epically tragic in the actor's drunken cry of flip-flop despair—it's sort of the missing-beach-footwear equivalent of Daniel Plainview's "I've abandoned my boy!"—we'd hardly rush to judgment and accuse the fun-loving actor of shirking his impending fatherly duties. On the contrary—what might seem from afar like inappropriately debaucherous behavior might, upon closer inspection, in fact be a personalized search for the most qualified nannies on the planet—a mission which could later take him to Sweden for a rigorous round of au-pair squeeze-testing.

• Exclusive: Matt McConaughey's Naughty Nights in Nicaragua [Star Magazine]

Vin Diesel and his girlfriend, model Paloma Jimenez, have quietly become parents of a baby girl, his rep tells PEOPLE.

Diesel, 40, and Jimenez welcomed their first child on April 2.

They say fatherhood can soften even the stoniest of men—and yet as anyone who's ever seen Diesel work a movie premiere already knows, the actor's gruff exterior is just window dressing for the incorrigible goofball lying within. Yes, his equally bald baby daughter is just about the luckiest kid in Hollywood right now, with round-the-clock access to her father's dazzling array of rubberized silly-faces, and regular visits from her celebrity god-duck, Uncle Quackers.

• Vin Diesel Becomes a Father [People]

People, it goes without saying, is a top-tier publication with tens of millions of dollars to spend on the world's most highly anticipated, Rapture-hastening celebrity birth-exclusives. So if you're left wondering how Sweetin, whose last IMDb credit came over two years ago as the voice of "He's so gross Penguin" in TV dad Bob Saget's aquatic-fowl parody Farce of the Penguins, managed to parlay a crank habit into some blue-chip glossy coverage, you're not alone. Still, when you account for the looming deadlines of a slow celebrity-news week, the titillating possibilities of bold, five-word cover line reading, "FROM METH ADDICT TO MOM," start to come into crisp focus—to say nothing of setting the stage nicely for its follow-up report, "FROM METH ADDICT TO MOM BACK TO METH ADDICT TO BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN TO FOOD NETWORK STAR: JODIE SWEETIN'S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY OF FAITH."

• Jodie Sweetin: From Meth Addict to New Mom [People]