Malawi police and stone-throwing school students blocked journalists from covering pop star Madonna's visit to an orphanage on Tuesday where the boy she is adopting was due to meet his biological father.

Teenaged students in black and yellow uniforms from the secondary school at the Mchinji Home of Hope orphanage hurled stones at journalists' cars and formed a protective ring around the building.

It would be a shame to dismiss the trip as a failure just because of one orphan uprising—here, for example, is video of a far less agitated interaction, in which Madonna tours an impoverished village, offering a local farmer a dessicated vegetable husk before being whisked away in an SUV. We're concerned, however, about the brutal effectiveness of this kinless army. As soon as word gets out about Madonna's mercenary orphan detail, it will only be a matter of time before every paparazzi-hounded A-lister insists on enhancing their security with their own team of Mchinji ninjas, stealthily dressed in black and yellow, and trained to crack an HD camera lens from over 20 meters before taking out the videographer himself with a series of machine-gunned pebbles to the skull.

• Stone-throwing fracas mars Madonna's Malawi visit [Reuters]

· Enjoy this gallery of stars who showed up at the Los Angeles Mission last Friday to feed the homeless, where the most commonly asked question of the day ("Where'd this hair come from?") always had the same answer ("Sally Kirkland."). [Getty Images]
· "Wealthy SoCal Residents Donate Twice as Much as NorCal Affluent." Stick that to your friends up in San Francisco who think L.A. is the seventh rung of greedy Grinch Hell! [ABC7.com]
· You didn't think we could stay away from Angelina and Brad that long, did you? The Maddox Jolie-Pitt Project (codename: Operation Mohawk) is in full effect, as the pancultural clan has vowed to make good on their pledge to bring aid to the Cambodian people, in addition to a variety of easy-to-manage counterculture hairstyles. [People]

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have spent their year helping others, and they didn't take a break on Christmas Day. The couple spent Monday handing out gifts to refugee children in the Costa Rican capital San Jose.

"We had a wonderful Christmas both with the Costa Rican people and the Colombian refugee families we met," Jolie said in a statement. Her visit was part of her work as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.

The South American option could be exactly the skin-shading compromise Jolie has been looking for in the latest addition to her Crayola Fun Pak family. Not to diminish the couple's unparalleled charity work, but dragging an ox cart full of toys into a Costa Rican square would be just the trick to lure adoptable Colombians out into the open for closer inspection. Any adorable little girl to catch Jolie's eye can then be easily assimilated into the family by leaving a fur-lined Santa bag brimming with chocolate chip cookies and Barbie dolls lying nearby, whereupon the child is then just one swift drawstring-pull away from being absorbed into the multicultural clan.

• Brad & Angelina Spend Christmas with Refugees [People]

Three Hollywood chimpanzees, said to have been punched and beaten to make them perform, will spend the rest of their lives in an animal sanctuary in an cruelty lawsuit settlement, an animal rights group said on Thursday. [...]

Sable, Cody and Angel, who have appeared in numerous TV shows, commercials and movies including "That '70s Show" and "The Craig Kilborn Show," were named in a federal lawsuit alleging cruelty by their California trainer Sid Yost, whose stage name is Ranger Rick.

The group brought the case after an undercover primatologist worked with Yost for a year at his southern California facility for chimps. She reported seeing him punching the chimps with his fists, repeatedly beating them with sticks and broom handles, and kicking them in the head to make them obedient.

While the favorable settlement will no doubt come as a great relief to Pamela Anderson, Bob Barker, and monkey-human liaison Alec Baldwin—all of whom swore never to appear on screen with a chimpanzee again after the findings were made public— the outcome was never really in question, as Ranger Rick's meager defense was predicated entirely on the argument that a swift kick to the head was the only language his animal actors seemed to speak when it came to teaching them not to upstage the scenery-chewing hamminess of their frequent That '70s Show co-star, Ashton Kutcher.

CORRECTIONS: · A reader e-mailed to tell us the man featured with the chimp in the photo we used is an upstanding animal trainer, and has nothing to do with Sid Yost. We apologize for any confusion, and have replaced the photo with the above, from The Onion, and captioned "Chimp Actor Looking To Direct."
· Another reader wrote to tell us chimpanzees are in fact apes, not monkeys. We hang our heads low in simian-ignorance-shame, as we stuff bananas into our mouths.

• Punched, beaten Hollywood chimps head for sanctuary [Reuters]

BRAD PITT ON INDIAN TELEVISION TO DISCOUNT BODY GUARD STORY

(Los Angeles - November 17, 2006) - "Extra" has learned that Brad Pitt sat down today in India for an interview with Barkha Dutt, who is referred to as the Oprah Winfrey of India. Pitt discounted recent reports alleging that he and Angelina Jolie's bodyguards roughed up parents and students at a Mumbai school where the actress was filming scenes for "A Mighty Heart." "Extra" will air excerpts from his candid interview tonight, Friday, November 17.

If Pitt played his cards right, pouring just the right amount of charm and heartfelt sincerity into his sit-down with Barkha at Ahkrab Studios, we'd say he has a good chance of circumventing a potential public relations disaster, à la Madonna on the original Oprah. Barkha, meanwhile, comes away with an A-list celebrity interview in her cap, to say nothing of all the exciting material she can now write about in the "OK—Here's What Brad's Really Like" feature she's currently penning for her shopping and self-fulfillment periodical, B: The Barkha Magazine.

• Angelina Jolie Speaks Out About Bodyguard Arrests [People]

DON'T mess with Sharon Stone's likeness! The diva agreed to be honored at Saturday's benefit in Santa Monica for the Children Affected by AIDS Foundation. She planned to auction off a custom "Barbie" doll Mattel made in her image. But she flipped when she saw the result, claiming it looked nothing like her. Stone refused to come to the benefit, choosing the Carousel of Hope ball instead. Stone's rep, Cindi Berger, said, "That is absolutely correct. The doll didn't look anything like her. [Stone] was never committed to going."

The alleged forsaking of an entire ward of AIDS babies over something as insignificant as Mattel's failure to properly recreate the accurate eye-spacing or contours of an aqualine nose on a 12-inch plastic doll may seem petty, but for a movie star, their enduring, copyrightable image is all they've got. And while the report doesn't mention what ever became of the rejected doll, we imagine the charity ultimately found a practical and satisfying use for it.

• NO DOLL FACE [NY Post]

"I offered that in court when I met him," the pop queen said in an interview with NBC's Meredith Vieira that airs today. "I couldn't really understand that decision. ... I believe he remarried and had moved to another village and was kind of getting on with his life."

Madonna said she never doubted that 13-month-old David Banda's dad wanted her to raise his son.

"I think he truly felt in his heart of hearts ... that he would have a better life with me," Madonna said of Yohane Banda.

"So, when he said no" to the money, Madonna said she took it as "my sign that ... it was my responsibility to look after him."

Yohane Banda, the child's father, has shown no reluctance to speak to the press, and so we await his inevitable response to the claims, blearily delivered moments after being awoken in the dead of night by spotlights, the whirling of helicopter blades, and the shouted questions of a small army of international journalists wondering if he really did turn down a generous gift, or if a meretricious Madonna will now have to submit to yet another softball-lobbing interview in which she dismisses the latest claims that she's a lying baby-stealer.

UPDATE: Does this guy have a press agent? Yohane Banda addresses the matter of Madonna's gift. It's after the jump.

UPDATE: Yohane Banda's got this "official media statement" thing down. He says:

"Madonna explained to me that she wanted to adopt my son," Banda was quoted as saying in the interview, which took place Friday. "She assured me she would take good care of David and raise him in peace." [...]

"She knows what to do with a lot of money, and I don't," he said. "I could not have started anything with the money, and in the end it would have only spoiled things for me and David."

It would seem things in poverty-stricken Africa aren't all that different from things back home: In Malawai, mo' money, mo' problems.

• Madonna: Baby's dad snubbed money offer [NY Daily News]
• Adopted Boy's Father Praises Madonna [ABCNews.com/AP]

• DARYL LAUGHS OFF TREE BUST [Page Six]
• Protest Subsides at L.A. Urban Farm Site [LAT]

At the moment, one of the hottest issues in town is the environment — and even AIDS activists agree that's a cause that is hard to argue with. "AIDS isn't going to matter if there's not a world left," said Bragman, who is also supporting the green movement.

Reflecting Hollywood's interest in the environment, Vanity Fair recently came out with a "green" issue featuring George Clooney, Julia Roberts, former Vice President Al Gore and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on the cover.

It's not too late for the AIDS camp to push their cause back into the pages of the nation's glossy magazines and recapture the imagination of celebrities who have attached themselves to trendier problems. They can even co-opt the methods that have made global warming the most superficially discussed issue in Los Angeles' VIP lounges, where the Lohans and Hiltons of the world draw rough schematics for hybrid Bentleys on cocktail napkins while claiming that their mansions "seem, like, much hotter lately"—convincing Vanity Fair to publish a special AIDS issue with a cover featuring stalwart activist Elton John and his high-profile friends naked but for a series of strategically placed red ribbons would be a great way to jump-start a renaissance of interest among celebrities looking to have something important to say in between awkwardly silent moments on the red carpet with Ryan Seacrest.

• Goodbye AIDS. Celebs Move on to New Causes [LAT]

Filmmaker Spike Lee and actress Sarah Jessica Parker attend a ceremony for Cartier at the Nasdaq MarketSite in New York on June 8. The international jewelry company is launching a Love collection of jewelry, including the Love Charity bracelet. Some of the proceeds from the sale of the bracelet will benefit eight charities.

Seeing an open opportunity to pitch Parker, whose "edgy, dark" work in The Family Stone he so admired, Lee told the actress about an idea kicking around in his head he thought she'd be perfect for: a remake of his own Do The Right Thing, set this time entirely in a Manhattan department store during Christmas, with madcap, screwball romance stepping in for the original's racial rioting. Parker was immediately intrigued, and the two have since been busily developing the project during the commercial breaks of their regular Project Runway encore screening parties.

• Celebrity shots [LAT]

Clooney told heart-breaking stories of visiting the border area between Chad and Sudan's Darfur region last week, where he watched refugees spilling into sordid camps and women foraging for food who faced the threat of rape or death.

Clooney urged the public to attend rallies across the United States this Sunday to pressure Khartoum to stop what Washington says amounts to genocide in Darfur.

First United 93 premieres, now Clooney's genocide awareness campaign: We think it's now officially safe to dub this "Unfathomably Depressing Subjects with a Hollywood Angle Week."

• George Clooney uses star power over Darfur [Reuters]

Brad Pitt called for people to submit proposals for an environmentally friendly design competition he is sponsoring to rebuild parts of New Orleans devastated by Hurricane Katrina.

"This competition asks the question, can this catastrophe be turned into opportunity? Can we create for these neighborhoods and its families something even better than they had before? We encourage anyone with an idea to get involved," the actor said Thursday in a statement.

Pitt offered up his own green tarp construction, currently erected around Team Jolie's Namibian compound, as a great starting point: Not only is it lightweight, easy to assemble, and highly effective in cordoning of private living areas, if a nosy paparazzo should try to burrow his way past it, its eco-friendly nature allows it to be quickly recycled into an excellent corpse wrapping after an overzealous security guard goes one tazer-zap too far.

• Brad Pitt seeks New Orleans blueprint [USAToday.com/AP]

Mr. Sulu beamed down to lend support to student gay activists who tried to visit a private Christian university. [...]

The 33 activists are traveling by bus to 19 U.S. colleges with religion-based policies opposed to homosexuality. [...]

After sitting in front of the doors for most of the afternoon, the Soulforce riders and supporters rallied at a park across the street when Takei, who came out as a homosexual last year, stopped by.

The 68-year-old actor said the activists' "equality trek" shares themes with those of the starship Enterprise.

"They have shown courage and character in showing that most people of faith are not extreme reactionaries who oppose equal rights," he said.

Of course, the parallels are obvious: a racially diverse group traveling in a large vessel, bringing with them a message of peace and enlightenment. Still, we wish Takei had ended it there, and not insisted on regailing the students with further gay-themed Trek anecdotes, such as how Uhura's lezzie tendencies would come out when she drank, and the time he "had" two red shirts behind the Klingon throne room set.

• Star Trek's Mr. Sulu Backs Gay Activists [ABCNews.com/AP]
• George Takei, 'Mr. Sulu,' says he's gay [MSNBC.com/AP]

Once the darling of the industry's liberal set, Clinton has come under attack from some as she starts to line up support for what many feel will be a run for the presidential nomination. [...]

In December, the Sunday Times of London quoted George Clooney as saying that he was "frustrated and disappointed" that the Democratic leaders — including Clinton — had "backed themselves into a corner" over the Iraq war. According to the paper, Clooney reportedly called Clinton "the most polarizing figure in American politics." [...]

Suddenly the Hillary issue became the question du jour in celebrity interviews:

How's your movie?

What are you wearing to the Oscars?

What about Hillary Clinton?

The article relays recent doubts about Clinton's viability expressed on the record by such female icons as Madonna, Kathleen Turner, and even Sharon Stone, who claimed voters may find Clinton's enduring sexual potency "too threatening." But it may be Clooney's comments, which he claims were taken "out of context," which could end up doing most damage to Clinton's nascent campaign. At this point, a non-endorsement from Hollywood's Liberal Conscience™ Clooney is as good as slapping the slogan, "Hillary Clinton: Committed to raping Iraq's population, one baby at a time" on their campaign literature.

• Hillary's no shoo-in with this crowd [LAT]

I'm writing you today not so much about the horrific cruelty involved in the hunt, but about the impact of the government's indifference to such violence on Canada's image around the world. As a proud Canadian who frequently travels abroad, I am alarmed that people are starting to see Canada as a country more beholden to a pack of greedy hunters and to the seal-skin "fashion" whims of a few countries than to the massive international outcry against the hunt. One of the biggest problems facing the U.S. government is appearing aloof about its own hostile behaviour; I'd hate to see that happen north of the border too.

Once again, Anderson manages to bust stereotypes: Not only does she put the lie to the cliche of the boring Canadian, but she also proves that a large-breasted blonde is fully capable of understanding and signing the articulate and persuasive statements prepared by PETA on her behalf.

• PAMELA ANDERSON ADMONISHES CANADIAN PM OVER SEAL SLAUGHTER [PETA Media via MSNBC.com]
• Previously: Pamela Anderson Goes Another Round With KFC [Defamer]

Ben Affleck is more than just a movie star and a leading man du jour in Hollywood, he is a walking, talking, breathing entertainment complex.

So add philanthropist to his long-list of descriptors, kick-up the cool in your life and bid on this 2001 2-cylinder, 4 stroke #3879 Big Dog Bulldog.

Ben has treasured this bike...so it has very low miles and is in great condition...from his home, to yours...

We'd hate to turn what is clearly a magnanimous and generous gesture from some of our most beloved "walking, talking, breathing entertainment complexes" into some sort of Davie-Brown Index contest, but as of post time, Brad Pitt's Ducati has a top bid of only $7500, whereas leading man du yesterday Affleck's Big Dog has the inconsistently higher number of $10,000. In both cases, however, the bids seem low. Surely these vehicles are worth more than their Blue Book prices, especially when you consider the priceless bragging rights value of telling friends you're riding the very motorcycle Affleck spent endless hours fiddling with in order to avoid the thought of having to make yet another evening of forced small talk with Jennifer Lopez.

• Pitt, Affleck Auctioning Motorcycles [Yahoo/AP]
• Ben Affleck's Big Dog Motorcycle [Charity Folks.com]
• Ben Affleck's Stupid Motorcycle [Tommee.net]

"We went back and forth, and we could never get the details worked out," said her father and manager, Joe Simpson. "When it became obvious that it was not just a state dinner, it was more of a fundraising event, that is the wrong purpose of why we are here."

Joe Simpson was adamant that his family are "big supporters" of the president.

"We are huge fans of him and of his family, his girls," Simpson said. "Jessica loves the heck out of him."

In fact, Simpson said they were still trying to squeeze in a meeting with the chief executive.

And suddenly, as if we just mainlined a generous dose of black-tar heroin between our toes, the happy sinks back in, and every blade of grass returns to its rightful place in the universe. Breathe, friends. Jessica remains one of them.

• Jessica Simpson Passes on GOP Fundraiser [AP]
• Previously: Jessica Simpson Blows Off The President [Defamer]

People close to Simpson said she declined a request to appear that same evening at the gala fund-raiser of the National Republican Congressional Committee even after she was offered some private face time with Bush because Operation Smile is a non-partisan group, says the news service. [...]

"It's never been a problem for Bono," [NRCC spokesman Carl Forti] said, referring to the U2 star who has met regularly with leaders of all political leanings to promote such causes as Third World debt relief. "I find it hard to believe she would pass up an opportunity to lobby the president on behalf of Operation Smile."

Although Simpson's publicists insisted she never had planned to attend the fund-raiser, Forti said the actress initially accepted the NRCC invitation when it was extended on Tuesday night, only to change her mind the next evening.

Clearly, the NRCC has been spoiled by the likes of Bono, who would gladly show up to a Girl Scout bake sale if it meant a chance to talk about his favorite subjects, Third World debt and the fact that U2 is the "greatest band in the world." Now, please excuse us while we attend to the unsettling, alien emotions and accompanying hot flashes associated with our newly-developing respect for Jessica Simpson, whose teasingly insensitive on-again, off-again games are even more entertaining when played with President Bush than they were with Nick Lachey.

UPDATE: False alarm! Jessikins totally hearts Dubya! We know!

• Jessica Simpson Snubs President Bush [People.com]

The winner of the Academy Award for best supporting actor for his role in "Syriana" has donated his decadent Oscar gift bag to the United Way, a spokeswoman for the organization said Wednesday. [...]

The gift bag given to presenters at the 78th Annual Academy Awards includes a BlackBerry 8700c, a Kay Unger kimono and a cultured Tahitian-pearl necklace, among other items.

We can only hope nominees and winners follow suit with Clooney's altruistic gesture and donate theirs as well the quicker we can get those gift certificates for dog therapy, dinner at Morton's and one-on-one yoga sessions to those hurricane victims, the quicker they can move on with their lives.

• Clooney Gives Oscar Swag Bag to United Way [Yahoo/AP]
• Previously: Inside The Oscar Gift Bag: Canine Therapy [Defamer]