She was there to plug her latest "I took lots of drugs and alcohol and married a gay dude" memoir, Enter Drinking. (Wait, that's not it. Up, No Olives? It'll come to us eventually.) Seriously—how did this seismic, evolutionary species reassignment come to pass, and do the universe's laws of equilibrium require that the slug-like crime lord now be cavorting by some Tatooinian resort pool in a bikini?

After the jump, Fisher talks about taking acid with Cary Grant or something.

• Today Show [NBC]

Fisher, the daughter of actress Debbie Reynolds and crooner Eddie Fisher, doesn't leave out any naughty details: her father's terrible facelift, her mother's bizarre, oft-repeated suggestion that Carrie make a baby with her stepfather, her drug addiction, her bipolar disorder — they all get exposed with equal measures of humor and charm. But my favorite anecdote is about her mom's boyfriend in the 70s, Bob Fallon, who inspired Debbie Reynolds to make a "stocking stuffer" into something completely obscene.

When I was about Fifteen, my mother had started dating a man named Bob Fallon, and my brother and I called him Bob Phallus, because he came equipped with exotic creams and sex toys. You know, aphrodisiacs. Well, actually, Anglo-disiacs, because we're white. Anyway, thanks to Bob, that Christmas my mother bought both my grandmother and myself vibrators! As unusual as a gift like this sounds, you have to admit that they are ideal stocking stuffers. I mean, you can fit the vibrator into the long top part of the stocking and still be able to get another cute little gift in the toe! Well, I have to admit, I enjoyed mine, but my grandmother refused to use hers. She was concerned that it would short-circuit her pacemaker. She said that she had gone this long without an orgasm; she might as well go the whole way. (And that pacemaker, by the way, was later recalled).

Also of interest for Paul Simon enthusiasts: there's a lot of bittersweet stuff about Fisher's on-again, off-again relationship with Simon, including which of his lyrics were about her. Turns out that some of my favorite lyrics ever were inspired by Carrie, including this gem from "Graceland": "She's come back to tell me she's gone/ As if I didn't know that/ As if I didn't know my own bed/ As if I didn't notice the way she brushed her hair from her forehead." And if that doesn't interest you, there's also a lot of dirt about George Lucas and the fact that he asked her to lose ten pounds for Star Wars.

Wishful Drinking [Amazon]

"He told me later that I had turned him gay . . . by taking codeine again. And I said, 'You know, I never read that warning on the label.' I thought it said 'heavy machinery,' not homosexuality - turns out I could have been driving those tractors all along!' "

Sadly, our first reaction to the allegation — "That's so gay" — has been deemed verboten by Hillary Duff. Instead, then, we wonder whether Lourd's "gay pill" theory could explain all those Tylenol PM sponsorships at gay events: it's all a master plan by the pharmaceutical industry to keep us queer! Diabolical — and fabulous.

• PRINCESS CARRIE SETTLES SCORES [Page Six]

As the Times notes, Hatcher "has both confirmed and denied" having work done, but the image at left of Hatcher in 1991's Soapdish shows a smoother, plumper visage. And Carrie Fisher's triumphant and hilarious guest appearance on 30 Rock last year was tarnished only because "you had to hit the rewind button a few times to make sure it was her."

As much as we adore Barbara Walters til death does us part, it's hard to ignore her incapability to express more than one stoic expression on The View these days. And Melanie Griffith's less-than-stellar career of late hasn't been helped by what the Times refers to as "much-speculated-upon changes to [her] visage."

And then there are the two wild cards. As easy as it seems to label Priscilla and Marcia Cross as Botox users, we can't help but notice how similar they look to their decade(s)-old versions. Maybe we're going out on a limb, but is it possible that these two were simply born with sky-high eyebrow arches and remarkable cheekbones? As they say, maybe she's born with it.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• ON TV: BOTOX. FACE-LIFTS. RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. [LAT]

This is the human Carrie Fisher, hoping that the dog by the same name is feeling better. I and [sic] had some extra time on my hands so tragically looked myself up and came across your ailing pet.

FYI, my grandmother had the awkward taste to name HER poodle Princess Leia and I hesitate to report that she came to an unfortunate end. Hope your dog and I fare better and that she's up and around soon.

Posted by: Carrie Fisher | October 07, 2007 at 01:12 PM

Fisher can hardly be criticized for copping to a shameful vanity-Googling session, as she's most likely been left with a surfeit of downtime since no longer being called upon to represent a grossly underwhelmed America throughout On the Lot's historic search for the heir to Steven Spielberg's completely immaterial legacy. Still, we'd caution Fisher to avoid signing her own name to web pages, perhaps instead contributing anonymously to Wikipedia's Star Wars entry, where her insider expertise on tidbits like "the actress who played Leia stored a flask and bottle of Percocets in R2-D2's ashtray compartment" will prove invaluable to fans hungry for behind-the-scenes trivia.

Bonus link: This will almost definitely be the greatest trumpeting of the Star Wars theme you're likely to hear this hour!

• Carrie Fisher on Pills and TCM [PopMuse via WOW Report]

In today's episode: Carrie Fisher; Kate Bosworth; Matthew Perry, James Spader, Claire Danes, Fran Drescher, Alanis Morissette, Ian Gomez, and Nia Vardalos; Matthew Perry; Jimmy Kimmel; Tavis Smiley and Cornell West; Jemaine Clement, Sean Hayes, Victor Garber, and John Henson; Kathy Griffin; Ian Ziering and Crispin Glover; Greg Grunberg; David Hasselhoff and Scott Baio; Scott Baio; David Carradine; Devon Gummersall; Gedde Wantanabe and Shelley Long; Aaron Douglas; Jon Bauman; Danny Bonaduce; Brooke Hogan.

· 02 august - just had a quick lunch at the in-n-out, here in uber-glamourous sherman oaks. as i stood in line waiting to order, i heard a small group of people talking behind me. one of the voices sounded vaguely familiar. after ordering i stepped to the side to get my beverage. as i did so, a small, well-dressed woman wearing big Chanel sunglasses swooped past me toward the counter with her scraggly woman friend and three scraggly pre-teens. they took forever ordering as no one seemed to know what the hell they wanted. the well-dressed woman said, "i'm going to the liquor store to get drinks for the car. what do you kids want for the road?" as soon as i heard her say "liquor store" i immediately recognized her as Carrie Fisher. my guess is she's going on the lam with these people to avoid having to do one more episode of "On the Lot."

· At Mozza Friday night, I spotted Kate Bosworth in a short black dress, carrying a very large black bag. Even though her hair was sort of all over the place, I must admit, she looked pretty good. The new 10 pounds have made a world of difference. Didn't see what she ate, though — they stuck her in the private room in the back.

· so many celebs at el rey last night for swell season (who were fucking amazing of course). matthew perry, james spader, claire danes, fran drescher, alanis morissette, ian gomez from lost and his wife nia vardalos (thanks for that trivia fact, imdb!), and the biggest surprise of the night... damien rice, who came out and played a song towards the end of their set. SUCH a good show. you all gotta see Once in theaters if you haven't yet already.

· Saw Chanandler Bong himself (Matthew Perry) at the Swell Season concert last night (8/1). Apparently he was too good for a seat, because he was just chillin on the ground.

· July 30th 2007 10:30 PM Jimmy Kimmel sighting I know yawn.
On the Bread aisle at the Fancy Ralph's on Vineland. Spooked him with eye contact. But he has one of those normal guy I know you faces, then you realize oh from TV.Look away or he'll freak.

· Pinkberry is usually known as the preferred "treat" (as if 100 calories counts as such) of the vapid young twiggy set, so imagine what an awesome surprise it was to spot two BFFs from the African American intelligentsia set at the Larchmont location today (Tues. 7/31): TV/radio host extraordinaire Tavis Smiley with academic rock star/public intellectual/rapper/Matrix cameo-performer Cornell West. Seeing Dr. West in his uniform — a formal black three-piece suit complete with scarf (no matter the weather, apparently), pocket watch chain, and Africa-emblazoned cuff links — juxtaposed against all that gently illuminated orange glass, Starck ghost chairs and Le Klint lamps will forever be burned in my brain.

· i keep seeing jemaine (clement) from flight of the conchords. first he was walking down the street i was driving on. then he was following me at the grove. dude, if you want my number, just ask.

saw a TON of people at my friend's play, milk cartons and other places to find yourself, last friday — sean hayes, victor garber and a smattering of character actors i couldn't place. and my very favorite, john henson of talk soup fame.

· Kathy Griffin was over at William Morris this morning. She looks surprisingly non-plastic in real life.

· Saturday morning, July 28, early enough to beat the hipster douche crowds at the Griddle, we saw Steve "I8A4RE" Sanders (Ian Ziering) waiting for a table. Not being a local, and also being that it was Steve Sanders, I might have inadvertently exclaimed "oh my god" and my friends looked behind them to see who was missing an arm. He seemed excited to be recognized and kept looking over at me, even though I was mortified and totally pretended like I didn't see him for the rest of the time.

· Today, Aug. 2, saw Heroes hero Greg Grunberg sipping the java at Starbucks on Platt Ave. in West Hills. Post Alias/Lost/Felicity, he looks quite handsome and svelte (all thanks to Weight Watchers, so sayeth Google). He seems shy and nice, like the perfect soccer dad rocking the ubiquitous titanium PowerBook. Thankfully, none of my valley brethren bothered him with annoying salvos of "save the cheerleader, save the world".

Sunday, Trader Joe's in Silverlake, b in the frozen foods section. My friend was tipped off after observing him grabbing bunches of packets of dried fruit weirdly (is there any other way), and pointed him out. He looks better than I expected.

· Here's a couple of sightings for you:
Saturday 7/28: At opening night of Dracula at the Theatricum Botanicum in Topanga Canyon and David Hasselhoff shows up for the last 15 mins. It was ridiculous, he made a big scene entering so late, and with some over-the-hill-but-still-skanky blond. He didn't look or smell drunk, but who knows.

Tuesday 7/31: At Vibrato on Beverly Glen to see Grammy winner Poncho Sanchez and his latin jazz band. The band and the wine was awesome. Scott Baio showed up with a few friends, looked around and left 5 minutes later.

· 7/31 - Slutty Scott Baio and table of losers/entourage/posse at Shu in Bev. Glen making no attempt to disguise their oggling of anything that passed by with two breasts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Chachi can brag all he wants to Howard Stern about how he's approaching a Gene Simmons-esque lay total in this lifetime, but I will always think of him as the dumbass who lost his virginity making sweet, sweet love to a couch cushion.

· 8/2/07- Spotted David Carradine getting his hair cut by the owner at Allen Edwards Salon in Woodland Hills. His "Kill Bill" mystique is slightly diminished now that I've seen him with his hair in foils. Worked on a newspaper crossword puzzle (with a pen) and kept his head down.

· 7/29 - IKEA Burbank (i know, i know...sad) - Devon Gummersall (Brian Krakow - he of the pubescent paradigm of the early 90s "My So-Called Life") still working the gently cascading pre-raphaelite curls, though not as long nor unkempt, fresh dewey skin and a smoking hot girl macking on him. Does this even count as a sighting? Maybe there should be a new category called "flashback sightings," or "throw 'em a bone" sightings.

· THE ONE AND ONLY, named after a duck's dork — Long Duk Dong, Gedde Wantanabe in line @ the Arclight; laughing and having a good time & Shelley Long and female friend coming out of PARIS, JE T'AIME @ a Saturday matinee.

· San Diego airport, Monday July 30th. I approached the two guys at the head of the looooong Air Canada line to ask if I could cut in due to the torn ligaments in my foot that make standing for long periods of time very unpleasant. Realized at the last second that it was Aaron Douglas, aka Chief Tyrol from Battlestar Galactica. Obviously we were both returning to our home and native land after attending Comic-Con. He and his buddy very kindly let me stand with them after seeing my cane, and Aaron told the woman marshalling the line that I was his friend. He definitely gets my vote for sweetest Cylon.

Also, not sure if this counts because it was at a Comic-Con panel, but I saw Scott Porter, aka Jason Street on Friday Night Lights at the Smallville panel on Saturday July 28. He talked to me and my friends afterwards, and was very gracious and nice. His petite and beautiful girlfriend Denise seemed excited that we'd recognized him, and took our picture with Scott. Very cute couple.

· Friday, July 27th, at The Nabe (Good Neighbor on Cahuenga West), guy sits next to my friend and me, holding 3/4-read "Harry Potter." I comment "I'm too lazy to read it, listening to it on CD", when he turns to me and I notice it's Bowzer (Jon Bauman) from Sha Na Na!!! Sounds the same, curly hair, a bit more of him to love, but unmistakable. Some philistine grilled him later on with "Aren't you somebody?" and we died of embarrassment for Bowzer as he tried to explain. Attempted to share this story with clerk at Vroman's, who absolutely didn't get it at all (crickets). Am I that old?

· Another day, another absurd sighting. Fighting my way through the Tuesday night crowd at The Grove (does no one work anymore??) to get to the free screening of "Becoming Jane," stopped dead in my tracks by a large gaggle of middle-aged women screaming in front of the fountain. Object of their affection? A tight-shirted Danny Bonaduce. He seemed to be soaking up the attention, but I pushed some admirers aside and screamed profanities to get away. Of note: he was taller than I expected.

· Saw Brooke Hogan marching through the Beverly Center wheeling a suitcase behind her (today at 3:45pm). She was taller than I expected and had that shifty-eyed, self-conscious, someone could realize I'm a celebrity at any moment look.