OK!
The cover story in this issue is about Ashley Tisdale having brown hair. And! She says: "I've been very skinny my whole life. I don't really like this look… I look at Jessica Alba and I think she's got a great body. I think that's what women are supposed to look like." She's been Piloxing, which is Pilates boxing, so maybe that will help.
Grade: F (exploded can of Cheez Whiz)







Life & Style
"Torn Between Two Women." This story is all in the pictures: the first spread is images of one night in Cannes — Robert Pattinson is seen sitting next to a pretty blonde, Erika Dutra; the next page is a series of pictures of Rob and New Moon costar Kristen Stewart, and Rob looks stressed out. The caption reads, "Did Robert tell Kristen about his wild night?" Maybe! Since they're just friends, after all! The story titled "Brad And Angelina's Big Fight" is illustrated by a photograph of the couple about to kiss. The mag claims she is "pulling away." In this mag, a picture of people making out would be captioned, "They're at each others' throats!" Hey, you know that chick from America's Next Top Model, CariDee English? She details what she consumes for a column called "What I Really Eat." (Fig. 1) We added everything up and she's only getting 767 calories a day. Not right.
Grade:D- (Kraft single with crunchy, cracked edges)




Us
"Inside's Jon Prison." This is a smattering of tales about how awful Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 is and how rough Jon has it. A former boss of Jon's says that Kate used to only give him $5 a day to spend, and if he was out and needed more money, she would "give him hell." A company donated a used van to the family before the sextuplets were born, but Kate turned it down because it wasn't new. A friend of Jon's dad gave them a different van, and Kate never thanked him, AND she traded it in because she didn't like the color. After Jon's father passed away from cancer in 2005, Jon wanted to hang out with his brothers after the funeral, and Kate wouldn't allow it: She told him he couldn't leave her alone with the kids. Jessica Simpson is pitching a reality show about society's scrutiny of women's bodies. Wait, we'd watch that! The premise of The Price Of Beauty is this: Jess and a friend set out on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why. The bad news? It's gonna have a Fear Factor element to it, as Jess tries some of the "shocking" things women do to make themselves attractive. Um, like foot binding? Oh, you saw this coming: Nadya Suleman, known as the Octomom, is working on a memoir. She's hired a ghostwriter! Next: This will spoil the entire plot of the next three seasons of The Hills, but here it is: When filming in Hollywood, Audrina and Kristin Cavallari got into a fight and had to be pulled apart. Stephanie Pratt and JustinBobby were involved. The new breakdown is Lo, Audrina and Stephanie versus Spencer, Heidi and Kristin. Fun. Lastly, Jonah Hill and Spencer Pratt are feuding — they were high school classmates — but Jonah recently posed in some pix that mocked Speidi. Now Spencer is retaliating with a Funny Or Die video.
Grade: D+ (movie theater nacho sauce)

Star
"Daddy Don't Don't Go!" On May 18, the TLC cameras captured a "scene" which was later cut from the show: Jon was trying to leave the house to go run errands and 8 year old Mady grabbed on to his leg and wouldn't let go. She screamed that she didn't want Jon to leave her and that she didn't want to stay with her mom. Apparently execs at the network saw the footage and were "disturbed." Also: Jon sleeps over the garage when Kate's home, but when Kate's away, he's allowed to be in the house. An insider says Kate has told everyone on the show that she wants Jon to get his own place — apparently producers are "scrambling" to find him a nearby apartment, though the split would not be shown on screen. Angela Krall, their former nanny, tells the mag: "[Kate] is pretty much an absentee parent. And when she is around, she's not very warm and cuddly… the kids would be heartbroken if [Jon] left them, and he would be heartbroken too." Plus, Jon and Kate have been kicked out of their local church because they're making a mockery of marriage. Still, Kate is working on a 7-figure clothing deal, another book, a perfume, a made-for-TV movie and a talk show. Perfume? Eau de Eight Kids? Moving on: Cameron Diaz is dating Adam Levine and it's "too much too soon." A friend says, "It's how she gets with every man. When Cameron likes someone, she smothers him." She even changed her cell phone ring to a Maroon5 song. Yikes. Is Tara Reid headed back to rehab? She was in Promises in December and has been sober for six months, but recently was seen spotted in a nightclub at Cannes, where she kissed several men and passed out at her table and had to be carried out of the club by total strangers. The Black Eyed Peas are feuding: Will.i.am is griping that Fergie is arrogant. Lindsay Lohan was only hired for her new movie, The Other Side, on the condition that she gain weight — she has 10 weekly weigh-ins. Oh, and she has to obey curfews and undergo drug and alcohol testing. It's hard out there! Blind item! "Which reality show hottie may have been miscast as a ladies man? Since leaving his show, he's been hooking up on the sly with a male celeb blogger. Be careful mixing business with pleasure!" The blonde with whom Robert Pattinson was photographed in Cannes — Erika Dutra — says, "We had a great time together, Rob's very sweet. He's even better looking in person than he is in photographs." Blah blah blah. Next page: "Rob & Kristen: Love, Italian Style" First sentence: "With one last fling out of his system, Robert Pattinson hopes to finally cement his on and off relationship with Kristen Stewart." Next: In "Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous," Haylie Duff, sister of Hilary, had her nose and chin done (Fig 2). Melissa Gilbert has a book coming out and reveals that she was once engaged to Rob Lowe. But when he went off to make the movie Hotel New Hampshire, he asked his pal John Cusack to look after her while he was away — and when Melissa found out Rob was sleeping with Nastassja Kinski, she hooked up with John Cusack. Don't you love dated gossip? Angelina is three months pregnant, and a picture of her at Cannes qualifies as a "bump alert. " (Fig. 3) Oh, she also has new tattoos — scribbles Brad drew on her body that she had permanently inked on. She has one her shoulder, one on her back, and another on her arm. A source says: "She loves his doodles and loves that she has them on her forever." You've gotta love a story called "Spencer Pratt: King Of Weed." Apparently he started smoking up at 15 and used to toke everyday, always had a big bag and would share with everyone. In 2002 he moved on to pills — Xanax and Valum — but once he got beat up and left on a pool table, he went to rehab. Although he started smoking again. He smokes less now because he doesn't want to mess up his chances of being famous. Lastly: A friend says Rihanna will get her "revenge" on Chris Brown by releasing her own "less than flattering, nude pictures" that will embarrass him. Plus! Apparently he was a "novice" between the sheets and she taught him everything he knows.
Grade: C- (modly Colby)

In Touch
"Now Their Fight Becomes Public!" Well, we predicted this would happen. Even though these are pictures of Brad and Angelina OBVIOUSLY in love, the magazine has captions like, "looking stressed," "angry words" and "they're so stiff." Plus, there are pictures of the couple smiling and drinking at a party and the caption "The Whole Night Was Filled With Tension." (Fig. 4) The mag claims they both got drunk and avoided each other, and yet they're standing next to each other! In the picture captioned, "She's With Another Man" Angelina is Literally sitting next to Brad (his back is to the camera). And the "body language expert" they use is Dr. Lillian Glass, who wrote How To Deprogram Your Valley Girl and the woman who shockingly declared Jon and Kate "sad" merely by looking at them! Anyway: "Brad is most definitely ready to move on," says a confidant. "He is just biding his time." Um, sure. Also: You know how John Mayer and Jen Aniston broke up? Well, "Brad and Angie's Public Peck Looked A Lot Like John And Jen's Goodbye Kiss." (Fig. 5) Moving on: Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo which reads, "vivere senza rimpianti," which means "live without regrets," except it's misspelled; the tattoo artist inked an extra i in the last word. Whoops! Kate Hudson is in a "risky romance" because Yankee Alex Rodriguez "could break her heart." OMG the wimminz is delicate! A "pal" says, "She probably is not the next Mrs. Rodriguez." Yeah, she's definitely crying herself to sleep at night about that. Next: Did Josh Brolin cheat on Diane Lane? There are snaps of Josh — who is filming in New Orleans — with some woman named Melissa Green straddling him. Meanwhile wife Diane was home in Malibu. Josh and Melissa went into a building at 11:35pm and emerged together the next morning at 7:23am — she was wearing the same clothes. Before they did that, they were at a bar, where, a witness says, "Melissa sat in his lap, they were kissing each other on the mouth." Bad! Britney has a "new body" and a "new man." A trainer who does not treat Britney says, "As a fitness professional, I would say that Britney looks great in her new bikini body." Yes, you must be a professional to say things like this. And! Is a bikini body is different from a regular body? Anyway, the "new man" is her "handsome" agent, Jason Trawick, who has a girlfriend but hangs with Brit and the kids often. America's Next Top Model winner Teyona Anderson models "Sumer's Sexiest Dresses" in a hideous spread where the dresses are ugly and she looks extremely uncomfortable (Fig. 6). Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon bought their first home together! It's a $7 million 11,750 sq. ft. abode in Bel-Air; Mariah already has a triplex in Manhattan and a compound in the Bahamas, but this is "the perfect starter home for an A-list couple," according to the mag. "What Happened To Their Boobs" is a frightening look at implants gone wrong (Fig. 7a,b). Lastly, this issue is brought to you by the praying Cheeto, known as "Cheesus." (Fig. 8)
Grade: C+, downgraded to C for lame cover story (cheddar)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7a

Fig. 7b

Fig. 8

Meet Tiara Dew Dots, our "expert." She knows exactly what Brad and Angie are thinking, solely based on the red carpet photos from Cannes that are all over the internet.

TDD: There is tension here. Brad is trying to "Walk Away," just like the magazines report. Angelina is physically restraining him. Her stance is closed up and powerful; his limbs are all over the place — scattered, like his feelings for her. His brow is riddled with lines; he's worried he won't be able to escape. The one hand raised up is a cry for help.

TDD: Despite the smiles, there is pain in their eyes. She is reaching out to him, and he is recoiling. He would like to pluck her hand from his waist — see how his hand hovers? But he's afraid. His won't let his heels touch the ground, in fear of being literally stuck somewhere with her.



TDD: Angelina turns her back on the cameras the way she turns her back on men, when she's done with them. She's pivoted away from Brad and scanning the crowd for a new victim. Although one of Brad's hands attempts to cling to her, his other hand makes the old comic gesture, "Take my wife. Please."

TDD: They are looking — and moving — in different directions. Need I say more?????

TDD: Hmm. Odd. Here it almost looks like they're in love.

TDD: Her eyes are heavy-lidded with contempt. She is looking at his mouth like she can't believe the bullshit coming out it. She's thinking, why don't the tabloids ever accuse me of walking away? I am the one putting up with the epic vapidity that is your brain. And I hate how I'm always willing to watch whatever you want, but you can't sit through ten seconds of "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency." Oh, wait. Sorry. I'm talking about Mr. Dew Dots now. Where were we?

TTD: His eyebrows show that he is in the moment, enjoying the attention. Her smooth, calm face shows she has checked out, emotionally. In fact, a faraway gaze like that could mean she's remembering that time she had sex with Billy Bob in the back of a limo on the way to the Ocsars. Maybe.

TDD: She looks at him with the same weary bemusement one would offer a tap-dancing monkey. She's so over it. She lets him clasp her hand, but sends a message with her eyes: "You'll never control me." He may or may not be passing gas. One foot is pointed toward her; the other away: Should he stay or should he go? The lady behind them has never been so psyched to have a picture of someone's shoulder.

TTD: You'd think that his arm, placed over hers, means that he is the dominant one. But no! The fact that her arm is sneakily snaked under his proves that she is a back-stabbing husband stealer. Look closely and you'll see that while his hand is relaxed lightly on her back, her hand is spread like a claw across the back of his jacket — she will quickly snatch him away to a hut in a difficult-to-pronounce country should Megan Fox suddenly materialize.

TTD: You can almost hear her whispering, "You're not going anywhere, mister."

TTD: Um. Hmm. Strange. This looks like… Love. But it can't be! I read In Touch, I know what's up.

[Images via Getty.]

In Antichrist, the new Lars Von Trier movie, Willem Defoe's balls are banged and then Charlotte Gainsbourg jerks him off until he cums blood. (Lane Brown describes it much "better" but I thought the quicker you read that without dwelling the better.) That's a weird thing to do and also not very nice (at least the first half). Defending himself to an angry journalist Von Triers said, "It's the hand of God... And I am the best film director in the world. I'm not sure if God is the best God in the world." Needless to say, Maradona and the entire nation of Argentina objected.

Then there's Bob Dylan whose video of a hot girl being beaten up (and also beating up) a balding man (played by Eliot Spitzer!) then kissing him passionately, was a partnership with the Independent Film Channel. Whatever happened to the Dylan from Nashville Skyline? That guy was so sweet!

So! Here's the question: why all of a sudden are middle-aged to elderly white men interested in depicting women perpetrating violence against men and then either handjobbing or kissing them? Is it a function of the bleak economic landscape or perhaps, Kink's MeninPain.com has finally penetrated popular culture.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Oddly named actor Cylk Cozart has signed on to direct Sandy Creek Girls, about a Nebraska high school's girls basketball team. Cozart will also play a role, alongside a cast of notable damned souls such as Brian Austin Green, Tiny Lister, Dean Cain, and the ultimate in Hollywood will-o'-the-wisps, Jonathan Lipnicki. One can only assume that they're all going to play high school girl basketball players. [Variety]

At Cannes, Sony Pictures Classics has acquired distribution rights to Michael Haneke's The White Ribbon, a creeper about a boarding school. Right now the general buying climate seems mild, with some eager to see smaller pictures by Ken Loach and Grant Heslov, but nothing big sticking out. Though it's only the third day. [Variety]

Mickey Rourke is set to star in a remake of the 1980's British crime flick Mona Lisa, possibly alongside former Bond girl Eva Green. Larry Clark, who made the disturbingly entertaining Bully a while back (as well as Kids), is attached to write and direct. Doesn't sound too high profile for the recent awards darling. But, you know, it's something. [Variety]

Oh... good? The not-so-good seeming New York, I Love You has been given a release date by Vivendi. On October 16th you can rush out to the theaters to see New York shorts directed by the likes of Natalie Portman and Brett Ratner. Terrif. [Variety]

Two new shows—the ugh-inducing Melrose Place reboot and the, um, ugh-inducing Vampire Diaries—have both been given permission to begin staffing by the CW. So it looks like they're going to air. The ghostly specter that is the Gossip Girl spinoff? Still awaiting word on whether they'll be picked up for midseason. Ouch. [THR]

Wonderful! Another show about rich, entitled little shitty teenagers. This one is called Gigantic and it's going to be on the N and it's about the children of celebrities and poor Marti Noxon, of Buffy, has co-created it. Sigh. [THR]

Oh, and Scrubs is coming back on ABC. [THR]

The lineup for Cannes has been announced, with only two American films entered into formal competition. Those would be Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds and Ang Lee's Taking Woodstock, which curiously stars mild comedian Dmitri Martin. Other movies, in and out of competition, that we're interested in: provocateur (with only middling success) Lars Von Trier's horror movie Antichrist, Terry Gilliam's Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and a new creeper by Michael Haneke called The White Ribbion, an allegory about fascism set at a German boarding school in 1913. [Variety]

Naomi Odenkirk, who reps a bunch of SNL stars, and Marc Provissiero, who has repped many sitcom writers, have come together in a blessed Hollywood business marriage to form Odenkirk Provissiero Entertainment, a representation firm for funny people. So you hear that class clowns and Rude Mechanicals in college productions of Midsummer's everywhere? There is a place for you in California. [Variety]

Oh good. Speaking of comedy! Comic genius Cameron Diaz has signed on to play the lead in Bobbie Sue, about a "hard-charging female ambulance chaser" who becomes the face of a big firm that is being sued for sexual discrimination or something, so she probably learns a lesson about being a woman instead of chasing a paycheck and isn't that terrific. [Variety]

If you were to consider one actor the younger Dustin Hoffman, you would immediately think of James Marsden, right? Good. Director Rod Lurie agrees with you. He's just cast the Second Noah star in the Hoffman role in a remake of Straw Dogs. Instead of rural England, the new version will take place in the deep South. Hm. [THR]

The inevitable third Twilight movie, called 'Pire Walk With Me, has found a director. David Slade has experience with the vampire genre, as he directed the Josh Hartnett Alaskan boondoggle 30 Days of Night. Only in that movie the vampyrs ate your face off. In Vamps 3: Hardbodies, they just sparkle at you and refuse to boff. So, slight nuances. [THR]

Oh, fun. Director/writer Rian Johnson has posted the opening sequence from his new film The Brothers Bloom on Hulu. We lurved Brick and have been excited for this movie for some time. And the clip doesn't disappoint. [EW]

Bradley Jane Pitt and Natalie Portman will be starring in a romantic comedy together, based on the book Important Artifacts and Personal Property From the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion and Jewelry. Then a sunset and a sunrise will do a movie with a forty word title and we'll be forced to argue forever about which one starred the more beautiful things and had the most annoying name. [Variety] Kevin Costner is still working. So that's something. [Variety]

Are you ready for a boy version of Splash? Too bad. Brian Grazer is producing a new movie called Merman that is about just such an abomination. Keep a close eye out for Darryl Hannah in one scene. She's that extra, all blurry in the background, weeping. [Variety] Speaking of weeping, poor sad former SAG exec Doug Allen, who was fired two months ago, popped back up on the picket lines yesterday. After he wandered around for awhile, distractedly eating a hot dog and faintly humming a song no one could identify, someone finally asked what he was doing there. "I heard that some of my friends were here," he told them (foreal). Everyone felt bad for him and let him hold a sign but afterwards when everyone went to go get beers together, they told him they were all just going home. [Variety]

Disney/Pixar's fancy new computer movie Up is set to open the Festival de Cannes, that humble little film festival that happens every May, going mostly unnoticed, down in the south of France. [THR] In the realm of actually small, actually important news, the husband of Adrienne Shelly, the New York-based Waitress filmmaker who was murdered two years ago, is producing a finished screenplay she left behind, a decades-spanning family drama called The Morgan Stories. [THR]

VH1 is kicking aside the pile of bottles, cans, and dead groupies to pick up one of their old standbys. The network is reviving its former flagship series Behind the Music, with Lil' Wayne and Lil' Scott Weiland already set to appear. Oh goody. Don't you want to know more about what happens behind the music of, say, ... (The sad/funny thing about this is that I was trying to come up with a joke about some current music star. But then I couldn't think of any because I have no idea what the kids are listening to anymore. So, I'll just leave it hear. A sad, sorry blank.) [THR]

As the Daily Mail reports, Lily, Lindsay and Sam all had a giggle on Monday, which naturally concerns us. Lily, who is close with Ronson's older brother, Amy Winehouse-enabler and fellow DJ Mark Ronson, hasn't exactly been what we Americans call "sober" of late. Her travails through Cannes included bouts of vomiting, seasickness- (or alcohol poisoning-) induced fainting spells, topless cliff diving and all around bad behavior. Plus, why on earth would Sam allow Lindsay to sit next to Lily instead of within belly-poking distance by her side?

As for Britney, the soon-to-be Vegas sensation had yet another date with guiding light Mel Gibson last night. And the pairing that once made us nauseous now warms our pro-Britney heart. Looking sanitary, healthy and slim, Spears even made the wise decision to don jeans instead of her trademark Britney-flashing skirts. The former anti-semitic sugar tits-loving Force is with you, Brit.

[Photo credits: WENN, X17]

• LINDSAY LOHAN, LILY ALLEN AND HER LESBIAN LOVER MAKE THREE [Daily Mail]
• BRITNEY POPOZAO POST [ONTD]

Wenders has reached a new low with Palermo Shooting, a film of startling and embarrassing banality and, yes, even silliness. One is hard-pressed to imagine any commercial future whatsoever for this film, and a pickup by a U.S. distribution company seems virtually impossible. ...

Every time the film goes philosophical on us, the resultant dialogue is sententious and banal. We learn, among other things, that people during the time of the fresco that Flavia is restoring were afraid of death, and that they still are, and that, to live life to the fullest, we should do everything as though it were for the last time. He speaks meaningfully of "absurd freedom" and "desperate futility." [The lead character] Finn also is repeatedly warned that doing this "fashion crap" is hurting his reputation in the art world, another not-exactly-fresh theme. ...

For most viewers, the question of the meaning of it all will come down to this: Where does Wenders find people to continue to invest in his films?

Did the reviewer just indirectly suggest that Wenders should stop making movies? Come on — isn't one German auteur with a bounty on his head enough?

• Wim Wenders' new film an embarrassment [Reuters]

Originally made for TV, the German Valkyrie features The Lives of Others/Black Book actor Sebastian Koch as the eyepatched, would-be Hitler killer Col. Claus von Stauffenberg — also Cruise's role in the American version. Cruise, meanwhile, stars opposite Carice van Houten — Koch's Black Book co-star and real-life love interest. If Harvey has the balls (and/or the cash) to release Operation Valkyrie theatrically, especially before Singer's Valkyrie emerges from hiding, look forward to the most spectacularly awkward Tom Cruise premiere ever.

• TWC buys up German 'Valkyrie' [Variety via Lou Lumenick]

The most controversial American film of the fest, meanwhile — Steven Soderbergh's as-yet-unsold epic Che — won only a best actor prize for Benicio Del Toro after critics predicted (and/or prayed for) much more. Critics everywhere but Variety, that is, which has us wondering: What did Che ever do to these guys anyway?

It all started after last Wednesday's marathon press screening, when Todd McCarthy's screed credited "scattered partisans" with contrarian buzz before suggesting "the pic in its current form is a commercial impossibility, except on television or DVD." Fair enough, although a survey of reviews suggests McCarthy himself is the most vocal of the anti-Che minority. Which is fine, right? OK! So we thought we'd let it go, but then came Anne Thompson with her all-caps admonition, "DON'T TAKE AN UNFINISHED MOVIE TO CANNES!!!!" But NY Times critic A.O. Scott, while hardly over the moon, later echoed most of his peers when we spoke elegantly and persuasively on the open-ended film's behalf:

This is one of the frustrations of Cannes, for American critics at least. We see lots of fascinating movies — not all good, but very few completely worthless — and then wonder if we, or our readers, will ever see them again. I'm not in the movie business (a mutually beneficial arrangement, believe me), and not inclined to speculate with someone else's money. I do hope, however, that sometime in the near future I can take part in the long and contentious conversation that Che deserves, and also see how my own initial ambivalence about the film resolves itself.

Got it. Adults agree to disagree. But then came Mike Jones's dispatch on Variety's festival blog The Circuit, citing everything from long bathroom lines to the film's bad party to anti-Che commenters on his and other Variety blogs calling out the film's "mass murderer" subject. Now that's just hateful.

Coincidence? Perhaps; these are pretty independent thinkers, but it's a rare concentration of venom to seen directed at one film that doesn't even have American distribution yet. We wish they'd have saved some for that Eastwood backlash we know is coming.

The attached-at-the-bony-hip couple first became friends in early 2006 after hanging out a few times in Hollywood, and after Lohan noticed Ronson's DJ skills, the two reportedly decided to produce and star in a film based on Ronson's life. As Ronson said at the time, "I think she's just a talented person. Whatever she stets out to do shes going to succeed at. If you told me tomorrow that she was going to build a city in the ocean, I'd be like, 'Just let me know when you're opening. I'll DJ the party!" Later that year, they were spotted at an Emmys after-party acting less lesbionic than well, friendly. But, of course, following her fun-filled and now legendary drool-drenched cokepants debacle in 2007, Ronson played candy striper (shudder) to her bestie. After a bit of rehab and fiance-stealing, Lindsay was said to be moving in with Sam last December, a rumor that apparently came true last month.

But as we've all noticed recently, their union has begun to resemble that lovely state of bliss known as a "relationship." The canoodling kind, of course. First, Lindsay wound up in tears after one of those standard fights couples have over absolutely nothing, and earlier this month Lindsay flipped her shit after seeing Ashley Olsen getting too close to Ronson at a bar. Followed by mystery hickies and joint vacations to Paris and Cannes, we're going ahead and doing the unthinkable: taking Michael Lohan's word without a grain of salt.

• MICHAEL LOHAN: LINDSAY, SAM'S ROMANCE 'EVIDENT TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN' [Us]

First, Ferrara tagged a comment about the remake on to his answer to a question about working outside the Hollywood system. "As far as remakes go, Harvey [Weinstein? Not mentioned ... in connection to the project. Keitel, who starred in the original? Hmmmm....] begged me not to say anything mean, or stupid. [pause] But I wish these people die in Hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up."

Later, a different journalist mentioned the remake in the run-up to answering a different question, and Ferrara interrupted.

"It hasn't been remade yet."

"But it will be," the reporter said.

Ferrara shook his head before putting it in his hands. "Don't count on it."

Come to think of it, we don't know why we originally thought Ferrara ever might have blessed such a random-ass duo reimagining his NC-17 baby for anyone, let alone a mass market. Though it's altogether possible that one glimpse at the new Lieutenant poster unveiled last week at Cannes — with everyone's name on it but Ferrara's and the words "From the star of National Treasure and Ghost Rider" reportedly removed at the last second — may have been the garish, godawful tipping point the aggrieved director was waiting for. Either way, this is fallout we can't wait to witness — anything to relieve these nightmares.

• Bad Lieutenant Remake: Abel Ferrara Says, 'Don't Count On It.' [Spout Blog]

It's not like we didn't see this coming, although even the most cynical of marketplace buyers probably wouldn't have guessed the accompanying snapshots might be the biggest pick-up of the festival. And really, is this tame glint of intimacy any more suggestive than the hickeys, cohabitation, cattiness and mutual shopping excursions of their recent, torrid past?

Whatever. Hey, look! Another glowing Che review from Salon's Andrew O— What? You want... Oh, for Christ's sake. Fine. Just this once, though:

Here are a few fantastic round-ups of aQuentin Tarantino lecture from the other day. We admit we've always had a soft spot for his cockiness, his divisiveness, his... What? OK, OK — but this is the last one! We mean it!

Ahem. So. The Variety review of Charlie Kaufman's directing debut Synedoche, New York is about as cautiously optimistic as critic Todd McCarthy gets, at once praising its ambition while pointing out its certain doom among buyers, viewers and history alike:

Like an anxious artist afraid he may not get another chance, Charlie Kaufman tries to Say It All in his directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York. A wildly ambitious and gravely serious contemplation of life, love, art, human decay and death, the film bears Kaufman's scripting fingerprints in its structural trickery and multi-plane storytelling. ... On the most superficial level, many viewers will be nauseated by the many explicit manifestations of physical malfunction, bodily fluids, bleeding and deterioration. A larger issue will be the film's developing spin into realms that can most charitably be described as ambiguous and more derisively will be regarded as obscuritanist and incomprehensible.

"Obscuritanist," Todd? Really? We liked it so much better when we could just read from afar without feeling like it's our turn in a Scrabble game. Anyway, one of these films from the last week of dispatches will claim this year's Palme D'Or on Saturday; we'll bring you the news when it happens, assuming it immediately precedes or follows another torrid, yachtside lesbian encounter. Otherwise? It can wait.

• Looks Like Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian, Kissing Samantha Ronson [Egotastic]

boomp3.com


Academy Award winning trail blazer Adrien Brody ushered in a fashion trend at this year's Cannes Film Festival while out partying with his Giallo co-star/gal pal Elsa Pataky. Brody said that he always appreciated the concept of an ascot, but he felt it wasn't conducive to having a good time. Brody also enjoyed the skinny tie, but once again, he felt it lacked a certain element for partying and having fun. So working with a crack team of scientists, clothing designers and stylists, Brody crafted the skinny ascot. Brody said of his invention, "It provides the suave, sophistication of Cary Grant, David Niven mixed with the rough and tumble habits of Sean Penn and Sid Vicious into one perfect piece of satin. From classy to '80s party animal in a matter of mere moments. It's called the Rocot, coming this fall."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

The uncensored photo is after the jump.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Angelina Jolie Topless Pictures [Egotastic]

Mischa, however, is not: "Mischa thought the film was awful and didn't want to be involved in the project," the Daily Mail reports, "And I'm told that the OC star was still on the Riviera, quaffing champagne while her film premiered. When asked why she wasn't at the premiere, Mischa snapped: 'I was never due to go.' So, why were you in Cannes, Mischa?" Well, nosey Daily Mail, if you must know—avoiding hotel balconies and beating up pool furniture, for starters.

• Mischa Barton parties in Cannes but snubs premiere of her 'awful' new movie [Daily Mail via Idolator]
• Cannes Posters Part II: Butler's 'Law Abiding Citizen,' Boyle's 'Slumdog Millionaire,' Barton's 'You And I,' More [MTV]

"Nobody cared she wasn't there", snapped a prominent New York socialite...

The French branch of Warner Brothers Films, distributors of Vicky Cristina Barcelona in France, had spent weeks negotiating with Johansson's representatives about flying her to Cannes. [...]

Johansson demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant at a cost of 5,000 Euros a day...Johansson wanted to be at an hotel way out in the sticks, some 25 to 30 miles away. [...]

"Also, I think, while Woody's terribly fond of Scarlett, he was a little upset that she wasn't being a team player", an executive connected to the film told the Daily Mail.

It would seem to us a sort of tragedy if the father/daughter, virginity-curious bonds that bind Allen to his frequent muse were somehow compromised by Scarlett's childish diva antics. Hopefully the actress will reign in her ballooning sense of entitlement, lest her collaborator strike back by feigning illness on the opening night of the "Anywhere I Lay My Head Tour," thus rendering an evening of Tom Waits covers virtually unlistenable due to their lack of any clarinet accompaniment.

• Scarlett Johansson misses shining moment at Cannes after studio refuses demands [Daily Mail]