1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

Last night we received the following email from a nice lady named Kim in Montreal:

Hey guys,
I have this boy on my facebook friends list! I sent Him an email too inform him about kodak, And sent kodak 3 emails with tons of informations
Im crossing my fingers Kodak really tries to contact him!
=)
I Better Win!
lolll

Since the young lad's Facebook profile was set to private and can only be viewed by his "friends," we asked Kim to send us some screengrabs of his Facebook page as proof, and she obliged. As you can see from the gallery below, which includes a pic of our boy with one of those little Jonas freaks, it looks as though we may have found the victim of Megan Fox's smoldering disdain, an 11 year-old Brit named Harvii.

Now hurry up and write Kim a check, Kodak! And Kim, you can give us our ten percent in Canadian dollars, or you can just buy us a round of drinks whenever you're in town. Whatever, we're easy.

He writes:

People make mistakes. I have made many in my life, but this past week I have made more than I can count on one hand.

I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this. I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I have been filled with incredible sadness and regret.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that's been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

Apologizing for me is not easy. Writing this was not easy. Life is not easy. But everything happens for a reason and I will take away a lot of valuable lessons from this experience.

Violence is never the answer. Never.

Victims should not be mocked.

The "F" word will never be uttered from my lips again. Just as others use the "N" word to insult and hurt - or as part of their everyday speech - I challenge them to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

Hindsight is always 20/20, they say. I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose - in a very misguided way - to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure and diress - handled the situation.

I am sorry.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community, to anyone who was hurt by my my choice of words, and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I have reached out to Isaiah Washington, someone I incorrectly labeled a homophobe in the past, despite his own public statements that he was not.

I will be donating any moneys collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,

Perez

Though Hilton's apology may be sincere, it's almost impossible not to view it with some skepticism. Valid questions to consider: Is he doing this out of fear that his "brand" is rapidly eroding because of his recent behavior? Or is this a contrived "good faith" gesture he hopes will ward off any possible criminal charges against him in Canada for violating section 319 of that country's criminal code, the one titled "Public Incitement of Hatred," punishable by up to two years in prison? The law, which would seem to cover Hilton's hurling of a violence-inciting gay slur at Will.I.Am, is described here by the CBC:

Section 319 deals with publicly stirring up or inciting hatred against an identifiable group based on colour, race, religion, ethnic origin or sexual orientation. It is illegal to communicate hatred in a public place by telephone, broadcast or through other audio or visual means. The same section protects people from being charged with a hate crime if their statements are truthful or the expression of a religious opinion.

The law (subparagraph 718.2(a)(i), to be specific) encourages judges to consider in sentencing whether the crime was motivated by hate of: the victim's race, national or ethnic origin, language, colour, religion, sex, age, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation or any other similar factor.

Further, here's how the Canadian Media Awareness Network breaks down this law:

The crime of "publicly inciting hatred" has four main elements. To contravene the Code, a person must:

* communicate statements,
* in a public place,
* incite hatred against an identifiable group,
* in such a way that there will likely be a breach of the peace.

Now, we're not sure if Canadian authorities are even considering any action against him, but wouldn't it be an interesting twist of fate if Perez Hilton were the person actually faced with doing jail time here?

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

I'm Sorry [Perez Hilton]

"Who is even here worth talking to anyway?" she was overheard saying in front of a lineup that included national bigwigs Entertainment Tonight Canada and eTalk.

She somehow managed to cram all of that ego backstage, where she waved off the media room. "I try to f—king avoid all that sh-t," she was heard saying. She must have been all blabbed out from that People magazine feature, where she denied being difficult to work with, partying too much, and having an eating disorder. She certainly put the latter rumour to rest. "She demanded to know where her dinner was," a source says.

One wave of a handler's hand and Grimes's dinner had almost magically appeared—but the nascent diva flipped over the plate of Tim Hortons Timbits smothered in brown gravy as if it were the most disgusting thing she had ever seen. There's no pleasing some girls.

• Shenae Too Big For Canada [celebedge.sympatico.msn.ca]

Some background: An Edmonton local named Johnny Brian Altinger went mysteriously missing early in October after setting up an internet date with a woman he had never met. Cops seized a screenplay by filmmaker Twitchell in which a male killer who works in a forensics unit (just like Dex) lures "a cheating husband to his death through an Internet dating scam in which he pretends to be a woman." In the story, the husband is decapitated with a power saw.

Twitchell was arrested on Halloween night, on suspicion of having enacted out his murderous fantasies on Altinger in his garage (pictured). Told of the development, Dexter EP Melissa Rosenberg admitted the gruesome crime confirmed her worst, "our lovable leading serial killer has finally reaped what he's sown!" fears:

Melissa Rosenberg, the show's executive producer, was visibly shocked on the weekend when she learned about the first-degree murder charges laid against Edmonton filmmaker Peter [sic] Twitchell, an avid Dexter fan.

"Oh Jesus!" she exclaimed. She saw this as a "worst fears" situation — something which had worried the show's creators from the beginning.

"This is a tragic and horrible thing to hear."

"Every time you think you're identifying with Dexter and rooting for him, for us it's about turning that back on you and saying: 'You may think that he's doing good, but he's a monster. He's killing because he's a monster.'"

We suppose this will reignite the TV-violence-begetting-violence debate that has raged since the dawn of Quincy. But really, now— if a deranged murderer is going to lure an innocent to their death, you can't really blame their favorite serial-killer-glorifying show that just happens to fetishize the finer points of blood-spatter physics and scalpel-technique every week. Can you?

• Alleged copycat killing is nightmare come true for Dexter producer [Vancouver Sun]
• 'Killer' garage lures curious [TheStar.com]

Boomp3.com

At the Toronto Film Festival screening of Che, beloved actress Rachel McAdams served as the unofficial ambassador of her native country, Canada. She got the idea when she remembered all of the difficulties she had adjusting to American customs and culture on the set of The Hot Chick in 2002. As she sees it, McAdams' role is to help American film stars become acclimated to the more laid back Canadian lifestyle. McAdams said, "There's not a lot of difference between Canada and America, but if people are confused, they shouldn't hesitate to text me." McAdams handed out pamphlets that featured a metric system conversion chart, as well as a collection of vegan donut shops personally curated by McAdams.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We honestly thought there was no way their committee could outdo last year's induction for raw star-power—a dazzling display of northern lights that included Brendan Fraser, Pamela Anderson, Eugene Levy, Paul Shaffer, Robert Goulet, and Alex Trebek. We were right. Having shot their famous-Canadians load with that illustrious group, they were left with Manitoba-native Frances Bay, aka the Seinfeld marble-rye-mugging victim, whose inclusion was the direct result of a 10,000 person online petition. Also inducted this year is Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash, who, in yet another strange connection to Seinfeld, hails from a city in Saskatchewan that rhymes with a part of the female anatomy. Rounding out the group are The Kids in the Hall, kd lang, and director James Cameron, who was born in Kapuskasing, Ontario, and about whom Michael Bay noted upon learning of the honor, "I always just knew there was something vaguely fruity about that guy." Congratulations to all the inductees. You can go back home now: the Loonie is Queen!

• Steve Nash, Kids in the Hall among new inductees to Canada's Walk of Fame [CP via eyeweekly.com]
• Canada's Walk of Fame

boomp3.com

Megan Fox showed her displeasure to an overzealous Canadian customs officer who questioned why would she ruin such 'a kickin bod' with such awful tattoos of that one lady from that one movie. The officer also said that it was a matter of Canadian national security that he'd get Fox's phone number.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

The films will go out through Entertainment One, a distribution upstart operating in the long shadow of the Canadian monolith Alliance Films. First up is the Mischa Barton/Bruce Willis flailer Assassination of a High School President, followed by Kate Beckinsale's turn as a Judith Miller-esque reporter in Nothing But the Truth. Yari also has the much-anticipated adaptation of Killing Pablo forthcoming, directed by Joe Carnahan and starring Javier Bardem as the mythic drug kingpin Pablo Escobar. (His own Yari Film Releasing will distribute in the US.) Canadian sources close to Defamer denied the rumor of a clause requiring an honorary Genie Award being added at the last minute, however, thus vexing Yari's trophy-case aspirations until at least 2011.

• Yari strikes output deal with Entertainment One [Variety]

(In a gross miscalculation on the part of the producers, however, she doesn't send off contestants with a curt "Nabadeey," but instead the pun-groaner, "You just don't measure up.") One particularly confident candidate's pledge of "making it to Toronto Fashion Week—it's my destiny" may not exactly induce chills in viewers, but the Canadians have still managed to hit all the Runway notes, and we'll be tuning back in to find out how the contestants fare on next week's tucques-and-jumpers challenge.

• Project Runway Canada debuts; first episode is online [Reality Blurred]

Little Mosque on the Prairie," a Canadian sitcom about a Muslim community in a fictional town in central Canada, is getting the Search for Common Ground Award. [...]

The award, which will given to the show Nov. 6 in New York, aims to recognize individuals and organizations that find common ground between those in conflict.

Past recipients have included Nobel peace laureate Desmond Tutu, former President Jimmy Carter, newsman Ted Koppel, retired heavyweight champ Muhammad Ali and Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

With every prestige recognition, there are those bound to feel slighted: In this case, that would fall to Canadian sitcom also-ran Rent-a-Goalie (while chock-full of hockey humor, voters felt it didn't quite go as far as Mosque in underscoring racial injustices), as well as the prairie province of Saskatchewan, aka Canada's Awards Show Capital, passed over by the Common Ground selection committee in favor of somewhere a little more "easily accessible"—which, let's face it, is thinly veiled peace-prize-organization-speak for "less hick."

• Canadian sitcom gets humanitarian award [news.yahoo.com]

· Kiefer's night in lockdown had no immediate effect on 24's shooting schedule, though there's no telling what extended jail time might do to affect the season, or President Cherry Jones's ability to fend off a nuclear threat posed by lesbian-denying Iranian terrorists. [THR]

· Jack "Lauded" Bauer wasn't going to allow one little DUI prevent him from accepting another honor from a grateful nation: This time, the nation was Canada, and the honor was an ACTRA award for commitment to his northern homeland and their native acting peoples. [Variety]
· Unfortunately, as of posting time, Canada's national newspaper doesn't know how to spell their own favorite son's name. [theglobeandmail.com]
· A Canadian journalist breaks down his first post-arrest day like an episode of 24. We're glad you find this so hilarious, Kiefer's supposedly appreciative country! [thestar.com]
· More Commonwealth Kiefer Coverage fun-facts: In England, it's called "drink-driving," and yes, that does sound weird, but no weirder than a "drugs overdose." [news.bbc.co.uk]
· Here's a shocking video of Kiefer signing autographs outside Area the night of the arrest. We know! We can hardly believe it, either! [TMZ]

Stress, whose actual first name is Dave, was taken Tuesday afternoon in Farrell's car to Europe Bound on Front St. E., where Farrell reportedly spent over $2,000 after encouraging Stress to get whatever he wants. Stress proceeded to fill up on a $500 jacket, some boots, pants, and socks.

Farrell also handed Stress a wad of cash to cover at least the first and last month's rent — possibly as much as a year's worth of rent, some reports said — so that he could get off the streets and rent a room.

For Farrell, who was in town this week for the Toronto International Film Festival, it was his second time hanging out with Stress. The two paired up four years ago after a radio host offered $2,000 to anyone who could bring Farrell to the studio. Farrell heard this, found the first homeless person he saw, who happened to be Stress, went to the station, and Stress pocketed the two grand.

Within hours of the charitable act, word had spread among the festival's remaining high-profile attendees, who eschewed the extravagant gift bags made available to them in favor of the new must-have TIFF accessory: a local homeless man. Personal assistants carrying fistfuls of loonies soon poured out of hotel revolving doors and onto Bloor St., with orders not to return until they had obtained an authentic Canadian hobo—or at the very least a dirty looking man who says "Eh?" a lot—who was open to a little sweatshirt and sheepskin-boot pampering at the nearby Roots store.

• Farrell's homeless pal takes a Stress leave [torontosun.com]

Following in the footsteps of last year's Junos and the Canadian Country Music Awards, the 2008 Canadian Comedy Awards and Festival will also be relocating to Regina, the southern Saskatchewan city quickly growing into Canada's Entertainment Awards Center. (For any Americans who have made it this far and require an analogy to fully grasp the scope of this announcement, it's as if the Grammys, the CMAs, and a resuscitated American Comedy Awards suddenly announced they'd be relocating to Cheyenne, Wyoming.) Sure, Toronto might still be lightheaded from a TIFF visit from a dreamy-eyed Jake Gyllenhaal, but we think we already know where the center of the Canadian universe will be this time next year, as the glittering stars of Little Mosque on the Prairie, Rent-A-Goalie, and Corner Gas descend upon the prairie capital for a night celebrating the biggest and best Canadian comedy talent that has yet to head down to the States to actually make it big.

• Canadian Comedy Awards follow other award shows in move to Saskatchewan [Breitbart/CP]

[Rowan] is engaged to Canadian billionaire David Thomson, Rowan's rep confirms exclusively to PEOPLE.

Toronto-based media mogul Thomson, 50, is Canada's richest man and the 10th richest man in the world, according to this year's ranking of billionaires by Forbes magazine, which also says he is the divorced father of three.

We quietly shed a tear for the end of a seemingly everlasting, albeit fictional, love between a MILF of Privilege and her menschy, surfing Public Defender, but we couldn't be happier for Rowan, who'll live out her wildest romantic fantasies when she arrives at her fairy tale wedding in a moose-drawn carriage made entirely of solid-gold Toonies.

• The O.C.'s Kelly Rowan Engaged to Billionaire [People]

Senior judges from North America and Europe were in the midst of a panel discussion about torture and terrorism law, when a Canadian judge's passing remark - "Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra 'What would Jack Bauer do?' " - got the legal bulldog in Judge Scalia barking.

The conservative jurist stuck up for Agent Bauer, arguing that fictional or not, federal agents require latitude in times of great crisis. "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent's rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand. [...]

What happened next was like watching the National Security Judges International All-Star Team set into a high-minded version of a conversation that has raged across countless bars and dinner tables, ever since 24 began broadcasting six seasons ago.

That Bauer—and, by extension, his self-described "right-wing nut job" creator Joel Surnow—should have such an ardent vocal defender in Scalia is not surprising, and yet there's still something inarguably surreal about one of America's most influential jurists carrying on about a fictional character as if he were a real secret agent out to save the world. And while there would be those who'd argue the Justice made some strong points, the same could easily be said of the other side, including a number of towering Canadian legal minds who sagely pointed to the far gentler techniques of one of their own, cherished TV characters, The Littlest Hobo, as the standard to which all renegade heroes should aspire.

• What would Jack Bauer do? [theglobeandmail.com via Raincoaster]