<![CDATA[Gawker: defamer, camila alves]]> http://tags.gawker.com/assets/base/img/thumbs140x140/gawker.com.png <![CDATA[Gawker: defamer, camila alves]]> http://gawker.com/tag/defamer/camilaalves http://gawker.com/tag/defamer/camilaalves <![CDATA[Behold And Be Stoked! The Young Prince McConaughey!]]> We forwarded Matthew McConaughey's people your favorite suggestions of Bongo Romcom and Miller Chill, but it seems he chose to go the Old Timey Gold Prospector route, and named his son Levi Alves. The OK! magazine exclusive currently gracing Gelson's checkout aisles and 7-Eleven service counters reportedly netted McConaughey $3 million; paired with the earnings from his Beef Guild spots, this additional income allows the actor the freedom to pursue smaller passion projects like Surfer, Dude. Flanked on the cover by girlfriend Camila Alves and tiny, perfect Levi, McConaughey still manages to maintain sultry eye-contact with the camera, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm a dad. But I'm not dead. Catch my drift? Is anyone else's shirt chaffing them? Boy, I could sure go for a lobster roll. Is there a clam shack in the area?" McConaughey explained to the magazine how the delivery room was transformed into an flip-flop-devouring bongo-vortex:

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

"We ended up having an epidural because, on the large contractions, the umbilical cord was being compressed. They went in and tried the vacuum. This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing! And I mean that as a beautiful thing. It is wild. But the vacuum didn't work, and the doctor said, 'C-section.'

"I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila],' Matthew said.

You'd think for $3 mil, they'd have forked over a couple shots of the beaming, shirtless new father, chest heaving and drenched in a variety of bodily fluids as he held aloft his bepeckered Prince Simba to the strains of "Drum Circle of Life." Oh well. We'll take what we can get.

]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5028313&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[More Details On Matthew McConaughey's Boozy Nicaraguan Nights: Did A Late-Night Tryst Turn Ugly?]]> As we sadly noted earlier this month, soon-to-be-dad and LA’s resident surfing community iconoclast Matthew McConaughey had quite the rambunctious stay in Nicaragua earlier this month, “dirty-dancing” his way through every girl at a bar and drunkenly diving into sewage ditches searching for his beloved flip-flops. But more details about the chest-baring rabblerouser’s boozy nights are now coming out, and despite his endless attempts to kiss and “put the make on every woman in his path,” McConaughey reportedly wound up going home with two male bar buddies instead. And his two new guy pals in question made it all the way to his hotel room. What happened once the threesome got there, after the jump.

According to a Star source, Matthew's evening didn't exactly end with a sorrowful search for his beloved sandals amidst toxic waste. Mid-sewage dive, Matthew allegedly "accepted a ride back to his villa at a nearby resort from two locals. 'Matt was so out of it when they reached the resort that the two guys had to carry him to his villa...They used his key, took him inside and put him to bed, then left — but they left the door unlocked.'" We'll temporarily abandon our dirty-minded thoughts regarding what may have occurred between the good samaritans and the alcohol-infused "hunky actor," mainly because what followed makes us feel sorry for the guy: "When he woke in the morning, he was missing $2,000 and his blackberry/phone!" Strangely, though, McConaughey failed to file a police report for the missing goods. If we were to lose $2,000, we'd certainly reach out to the local law enforcement in an attempt to recover it. That is, unless we didn't want anyone to know what had happened at our place that night ... Sketchy much, Matthew?

[Photo credit: Star]

]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5020437&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA["This Chick Used To Be So Cute. Now She Looks Like She’s Halfway Through A Sex Change. "]]> Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. These week the "writers" of these celebrity blogs call Jessica Simpson and Hilary Duff 'fat', Tila Tequila a 'whore', and Camila Alves (Matthew McConaughey's pregnant girlfriend) is a "maid" getting "preferential treatment" because of her ethnicity. After the jump, we punish the blogerati for their idiocy. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Denigrating a woman's looks for not being stereotypically "feminine"
The Evidence: "Can't she get that fixed??? Rumer Willis, aspiring "actress", attended the 2008 Crystal Lucy Women in Film Awards in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. Seriously, isn't there surgery where you can shave down your jaw??? We're sure some trannys have gotten it done to make themselves look more "feminine." Plastic surgery is not always a bad thing. Rumer should look into it! And, while she's there, she might wanna get her nose done too!" What did Rumer Willis ever do to Perez? She is a constant target for him — he takes every possible opportunity to criticize her for no reason. His continued denigration of alternative sexuality (last week: dissing Samantha Ronson, this week, implying Rumer Willis is a "tranny") make his gay-rights advocacy totally suspect. Apparently he only wants respect and rights for himself not for the actual community.
The Punishment: A kick in the nards from Rumer's dad, Bruce. He looks like he does not suffer fools gladly.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Equating bisexuality/stripping with prostitution.
The Evidence:"Here’s Tila Tequila rockin’ a tight purple dress like it was my birthday outside Mr. Chow’s restaurant. Now people are saying that Tila isn’t bisexual and making a big deal about it. But let me tell you something, every girl I’ve ever met who was willing to take their clothes off for money was also willing to dyke out for money too. So enough with this nonsense that she’s a fake. Girl is open for business." I'm no fan of Ms. Tequila's but the assumption that she is gay for pay is just tasteless.
The Punishment: Having to watch 72 straight hours of Ms. Tequila's A Shot of Love, Clockwork Orange-style, with eyes forced open the entire time.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Felony body snarking
The Evidence: "Top fitness experts recommend hot dogs for breakfast, and it must be the key to how Hilary Duff has shed her unwanted sexiness for a more lumpy and waddling figure. As you can see here when she met her mom for breakfast at Papoos hot dog stand in Toluca Lake yesterday. Damn. This chick used to be so cute. Now she looks like she’s halfway through a sex change. " Ugh. Hilary Duff, like every other goddamn woman, has weight fluctuations. So effing what. She is still adorable and you can fuck off.
The Punishment: Must live on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for 3 weeks.

The Accused: Yeeah
The Crime: misdemeanor body snarking
The Evidence: "Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!" Sigh. See what we said about Hilary Duff. Also: fuck off.
The Punishment: Jessica Simpson's cowboy boot inserted directly in anus.

The Accused: Our old pal, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Raging homophobia, sexism, racism, probably a bunch of -isms that haven't been invented yet.
The Evidence: A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn’t really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin’ bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don’t want no faggots ’round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won’t be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore…[H]ere is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore. All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can’t give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry…" Look, we understand that the Drunken Stepfather says outrageous things on purpose in order to rile people up. But it's unfunny, it's tired, and it's mostly just sad. Putting on an over-the-top racist persona in order to get attention is actually fucking pathetic.
The Punishment: Being miniaturized and having to hang out in Matthew's reportedly unwashed armpit for all eternity.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5018376&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[ There’s no shortage of sleazy surprises...]]> There’s no shortage of sleazy surprises in the world of baby picture pimping. Today, TMZ reports that soon-to-be-dad Matthew McConaughey and his model girlfriend Camila Alves have hired an actual agent to auction off photos of their upcoming newborn’s visage to the major glossies. And the “brand agent” in question, Todd Shemarya, has quite a record — he’s the man behind Brangelina’s record-setting deal with People, and Christina Aguilera’s far less pricey cover with the same weekly. As disturbed as we are that such a man exists, we’re more saddened to learn that former nude bongo player and hairy beach hippie McConaughey would cash in on his first kid. We're actually starting to miss the hobo doing push-ups outside a trailer we'd grown accustomed to. Then again, the $1MM that he's reportedly been offered by three separate spawn-obsessed mags can buy a lot of t-shirts. [TMZ]

]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5009246&view=rss&microfeed=true