Or, you know, as we like to call it: Joe Versus the Volcano.

The bad news? According to Slashfilm, the movie's title (assuming it does ever get made, and isn't simply consigned to Crowe's pile of bad ideas that includes a Jonathan Lipnicki-toplined Jerry Maguire 2) would be Deep Tiki. As in, if this movie comes out, the careers of all three participants would be in...no, we just can't say it. We can't say "Deep Tiki" again. Uttering its name only gives it more power.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Reese Witherspoon says Cameron Crowe’s Next Film has Been Postponed [Collider]

• Cameron Crowe’s Deep Tiki Postponed; Iron Man 2’s Production Title [Slashfilm]

Boomp3.com

After enjoying a delicious meal at popular restaurant Bossa Nova, actress Kirsten Dunst was dealt a parking ticket by the cruel hand of fate. Dunst intitally shrugged it off fine, but upon further inspection became slightly miffed. There was a small note attached to the ticket that read: “Thanks a pantsful for putting Cameron Crowe in movie jail. I hope you can sleep at night."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Cam, Cam, Cam (can we call you "Cam"?). This idea smells worse to us than Vanilla Sky, and here's why:

First of all, you're opening yet another film with a professional in disgrace? While that worked fine in Jerry Maguire, the conceptual retread wore thin quickly in Elizabethtown. Ironically, the fact that Elizabethtown bombed might have given you new insight into the sort of character who suffers career ignominy and then struggles to pick up the pieces, but we'd still recommend against using that trope a third freakin' time.

Also (and perhaps a bit more importantly), THIS IS THE MOVIE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO. And, in choosing to pursue a logline so outrageously similar to that Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film, you have unwittingly awakened the sleeping giant that is Defamer's love for that movie. Cam, we have been to Hawaii. We know Hawaii. Hawaii, sir, is no Waponi Wu.

Thus, Cam, we politely ask you to take stock of your upcoming project. Does your "disgraced professional" undergo a freakout that can top this? Is he asked to become involved with a volcano sacrifice by a sparkly-eyed Lloyd Bridges? Are three of his love interests played by a pre-Restylane Meg Ryan, and is one of them a flibbertigibbet? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," perhaps it's time to shelve this project and pick back up with Singles 2: The VH1 Classic Years.

• CROWE GOES OFF DEEP END...OF VOLCANO [CHUD]

You see, Penelope has been suffering from a very common disorder among borderline crazy celebrities since she was a wee moth — a troubling situation involving a "monster" living inside her, determined to "sabotage the most beautiful moments" in her life. We can only presume this demon tends to follow the same pattern each and every time she says "Uh oh! Here it is again! Go away and leave me alone!": Flashing its diamond-tipped manicure and next season's skinny men's suit from Marc Jacobs, the pinkies-out being scatters a potent amount of fairy dust on ex-"boyfriends" like Tommy and beer swilling boy-fan Matty McConaughey, distracting their bedazzled eyes from the beard they desperately require. Which is sad, considering one of the nicest things her Secret Lives Of Women director Isabel Croixet had to say about the Spanish star was how the sight of Cruz naked is the "least sexy moment in history." Perhaps someone ought to FedEx a copy of Secrets to those Maxim boys, requiring a "correction" in their next issue?

[Photo credit: The Celebrity Blog]

• PENELOPE CRUZ W MAGAZINE 2008 COVER PHOTO [The Celebrity Blog]

Ben Stiller and Reese Witherspoon will star in an untitled Cameron Crowe romantic comedy adventure at Columbia Pictures.

Columbia was the winning bidder, beating out four rival studios, in landing the fully developed project, which is being produced by Scott Rudin. Crowe, who wrote the screenplay, is also producing.

Studio is keeping the logline of the contemporary-set project under wraps.

Whatever this movie is about, the very fact that it romantically pairs two of the most tightly-coiled, type-A-list stars in Hollywood should guarantee at the very least some choice tantrum scenes, followed by an inevitable pouty break-up montage set to the The Smithereens' "Since You Went Away."

• Stiller, Witherspoon fly with Crowe [Variety]

Will Leitch is the editor of Deadspin, our sister sports site, and his book God Save The Fan is now available at bookstores everywhere. He makes a cameo appearance here today to discuss how athletes could become better actors.

But I'm looking for something more epic; I'm looking for a total reinvention by a name director, an otherwise untrained, unskilled athlete being coaxed into an affecting performance by one of our great masters, a la Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love or Courtney Love in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. In honor of this curious conceit I've just created, here's five athlete-director combos I think might just work.

Cameron Crowe: Tom Brady
He's a handsome, self-involved hugely successful football player who learns, after impregnating a third supermodel, that his life is empty of any true meaning. He quits the team and coaches a Pop Warner team with the help of a wacky former teammate (Tracy Morgan) and a beautiful, troubled past-her-prime sideline reporter (Rene Russo) who teaches him how to love.

Quentin Tarantino: Joe Namath
Retired playboy athlete, after discovering his football pension has run out, organizes a heist to swipe an ancient sword from a pack of angry ninjas (led by Yao Ming and Tracy Morgan). With Samuel L. Jackson as the piano player; features septegenarian nudity.

John Waters: John Amaechi.
In a callback to his anything-goes does of Baltimore yore, Waters pens this tale of a gay basketball player who teams up with a bigoted former teammate (Tracy Morgan) to put on a cross-dressing musical that shocks a staid mid-50s suburban community. Ends with both teammates eating dog excrement.

Richard Kelly: Serena Williams.
In the Not Too Distant future, a roaming band of mercenaries, led by a laboratory-created superhuman being (Williams), attempt to take down a corrupt Orwellian government led by a former professional wrestler (Tracy Morgan) and world-wide renowned porn star (Nora Dunn). In a landmark use of viral marketing, all theaters will be instructed to show film with reels in randomly selected order, assuring the film will make as much sense as if it were in the correct order.

Uwe Boll: Matt Leinart
Ancient Medieval Lord (Burt Reynolds) teams with his son (Leinart) on an epic journey to escape a maze and eat tiny pellets while being chased by large, multicolored ghosts. Screenplay by Tracy Morgan.