1. Lakeview Terrace — $15.6 million

Well, we nailed this one, finally locking down the complex Audience Demand Formula™ for Lakeview's known quantities: Samuel Jackson as a bad guy multiplied by interracial lust, raised to the negative power of Neil LaBute's post-Wicker Man directorial efforts, and that total divided by R-rated date-movie competition from Dane Cook. You try it!

2. Burn After Reading — $11.3 million

The Coens' latest dropped barely 40% in its second week, forcing hive-mind Clooney haters to spike their semi-annual "George can't open!" pieces for at least two years until he returns in the admittedly challenging Men Who Stare At Goats. At which time all bets are off, even ours.

3. My Best Friend's Girl — $8.3 million

Or about $5 million less than tracking indicated. Maybe Dane Cook was right — his vagina-like face doesn't sell tickets after all.

4. Igor — $8 million

All over America, families warmed to the story of a hunchback pursuing his lifelong dream of becoming a second-rate bit of animation left to dangle in the marketplace by Harvey Weinstein to the tune of $3400 per screen.

5. Righteous Kill — $7.7 million.

Go ahead — insert your "De Niro and Pacino kept it up for a whole week" jokes here.

1. Burn After Reading — $19.4 million

The Coen brothers' admirable, totally nonsensical spy farce rode its all-star ensemble like a rented mule, albeit sort of a haunting mutation of mule — one with frosted tips, a hoof-full of Oscars and an unusually foul mouth that nevertheless enticed enough curious viewers to make Burn the biggest opening of the Coens' career. And it's almost enough to settle Focus Features' therapy bill incurred after Hamlet 2.

2. Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys — $18 million

Add another fun fact to Defamer's Tyler Perry Encyclopedia: Five of his six films have now opened among their respective weekends' top two grossers. On roughly two-thirds as many screens as this week's No. 1. With virtually no white people in the audience. Be impressed.

3. Righteous Kill — $16.5 million

And it would have been even more had Robert De Niro and Al Pacino not already fulfilled most Americans' demand to see them sleepwalk through scenes together.

4. The Women — $10 million

Critics be damned — Picturehouse was determined to make this work if it was the last thing it ever did. And, alas, it was.

5. The House Bunny — $4.3 million

The Cult of Anna Faris kept her in the Top 5 with barely a 20% drop from last week. Seriously: If Tyler Perry had an adventurous bone in his body he'd write her into a Madea film and let the Brinks truck do the rest.

WHAT'S NEW: So Burn After Reading is good — more admirable than likable, really, with the Coen brothers returning to their parched well of overmatched dolts in possession of objects way beyond their ken. This time it's Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand attempting to blackmail a CIA analyst (a bracingly potty-mouthed John Malkovich) whose "memoirs" they've found lying on their gym's floor; Tilda Swinton and George Clooney join in as awkward archetypes of paranoia and aloof, striving America. If we sound glib, that's Burn for you — a plot- and style-allergic screwball comedy that succeeds primarily as an almost-clean break (even Pitt's character is ultimately a red herring) from two decades of recycled Coen tropes.

Alas, it's 20 years too late for some moviegoers, whose Coen aversion will keep Burn and its high-octane ensemble around $16 million for the weekend. That might be enough to surpass the De Niro/Pacino miscarriage Righteous Kill for second place overall, but we don't think anybody will overtake The Family That Preys — or, excuse us, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys. The distinction matters, too: Even with 1,000 fewer screens than Kill, the dude is a box-office witch with a cult following and increasing crossover juice (Kathy Bates!) that'll push Family to $19.5 million in three days. Not that we've seen it — Perry doesn't avail his films to the press — but it's still fascinating stuff; we'll have more on him here later in the day.

Also opening: The chatty, mostly misleadingly titled Young People Fucking; Takashi Miike's acid-trip spaghetti Eastern Sukiyaki Western Django; the flashback-y Jewish family drama A Secret; the enviro-alarmist doc FLOW: For Love of Water; and Matthew McConaughey's shirtless adventure Surfer, Dude.

THE BIG LOSER: Here and elsewhere, we've made little secret of our disdain for Towelhead, Alan Ball's thoroughly revolting, exploitive, amateurish, illiterate and borderline retarded sketch of molesty, multi-ethnic suburban ennui. It's not worth getting into again — that's what Google's for — but look at it this way: Warner Independent Pictures didn't fold because it couldn't compete; it was poisoned. If you pay money to see this movie, you could be next.

THE UNDERDOG: Don't look now (oh, all right, go ahead) but The Women is up to a 9 percent approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes! The comeback is on! Sort of! Still, don't expect some Sex and the City blockbuster shocker; director Diane English can preach gay quadrants and underserved audiences all she wants, but she's only got her cast — not an HBO institution — to rely on. And how much does a Meg Ryan/Annette Bening/Eva Mendes/Jada Pinkett film open to these days? Not a ton, but more than most are predicting on 3,000 screens. We'll call it for $11 million and not a penny less.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD's include the hit Sarah Palin comedy Baby Mama; Tarsem's visually sumptuous Flopzterpiece™ The Fall; the long-awaited (we're serious this time) restoration of the Cinerama benchmark How the West Was Won; the 10th-anniversary edition of The Big Lebowski; and, extraordinarily, Child's Play: Chucky's 20th Birthday Edition. Chucky! 20! Christ, we're like grandparents now.

This is more like it, right? Is there anything better than a week when we won't be writing about The Dark Knight and Tropic Thunder on Monday? And when we can finally throw dirt on Towelhead's fetid corpse? Oh, fall. We missed you. Choose your own adventure, and share below.

As Brad was leaving for the premiere on Sept. 5, a fire broke out at the condo complex next to the Park Hyatt, the hotel where Brad was staying, prompting authorities to evacuate the entire condo complex causing an evacuation of the entire condo complex next door.

"It was total chaos," says an eyewitness. "His security team immediately decided to evacuate Brad to avoid any possible threat. He was surrounded by eight security men and four policemen — it was crazy. It was as if Brad was the president!”

Fortunately, there were no injuries. "A condo on the seventh floor of the building caught on fire, but luckily, no one was home at the time," Stephan Powell, district chief with the Toronto Fire Services, tells Life & Style. "The whole population of the building — save for the affected apartment — was able to go back to their apartments within three hours."

To be clear, Pitt's family was not in attendance — no Chosen Blobs were in danger. Still, better safe than sorry, we say — we've got an Oscar bet to win here.

• BRAD PITT DODGES FIRE IN TORONTO! [Life & Style]

Boomp3.com

Never one to miss an opportunity to sing in public, superstar George Clooney picked up the nearest megaphone and began to croon the afternoon away. Clooney started off with a selection of songs made popular by his aunt, Rosemary Clooney, before transitioning into a jubilant medley of Rudy Valle and Frank Sinatra tunes. One female onlooker was quoted as saying that his appeal was due to the fact that "he's got the voice of the Velvet Fog, the charm of Dean Martin and the sex appeal of all three Jonas Brothers."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

· The Guardian uses the word "triumph" and gives it four stars out of five, calling it "a tightly wound, slickly plotted spy comedy that couldn't be in bigger contrast" to No Country for Old Men, but that the Coens film it most closely resembles is "the divorce-lawyer comedy Intolerable Cruelty." Everyone gets a chance to shine comically, but "Pitt, in fact, gets the best of the funny stuff, [though] has by some way the least screen time of all the principal cast." [The Guardian]

· Counterpoint! Variety hated it. Calling it a "dark goofball comedy about assorted doofuses in Washington, D.C.," Burn "tries to mate sex farce with a satire of a paranoid political thriller," with "with arch and ungainly results." Further, a "seriously talented cast" has been "asked to act like cartoon characters," with everything turned up to a "grotesquely exaggerated extent." [Variety]
· Yeesh. That last one didn't go so well. Let's go back to loving it again! The Times Online also gives it four stars. Noting it's the first Coen-penned screenplay since 2001's The Man Who Wasn’t There, they compare it to Raising Arizona and Fargo (yay!) in its "savagely comic taste for creative violence and a slightly mocking eye for detail." Carter Burwell’s score is a "brilliant...paranoid piece of film music," though if the movie lacks for anything, it's "warmth." [Times Online]

Burn centers on Osbourne Cox (Malkovich), who has hit a bit of rough patch. He was recently fired from the CIA and decides to write his memoirs, naturally documenting government secrets along the way. His wife (Swinton) decides to steal the material to use in their upcoming divorce proceedings, but the CD mistakenly ends up in the hands of two doltish gym employees, Chad (Pitt) and Linda (McDormand). In response to Linda and Chad conspiring to sell the material to help pay for Linda's plastic surgery, the CIA dispatches Harry (Clooney) to sort it all out at whatever the cost.

• New Photos: Coen Brother's Burn After Reading [firstshowing.net]

After the protracted 2007 awards season that imploded so spectacularly for ABC and mainstream Hollywood overall, we were kind of praying for at least a bit of a layoff before the strategizing likes of Universal, Fox and Paramount jumped on their trade organ to prepare us for Frost/Nixon, Baz Lurhman's Australia (pictured above), David Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and even the Greg Kinnear drama Flash of Genius — which, despite being "based on the real-life story of the Detroit engineer who claimed the auto industry stole his idea for the intermittent windshield wiper," doesn't have us licking the glass on the multiplex door in anticipation.

We're still just as curious as anyone as to whether or not the Coen Brothers can repeat with the George Clooney/Brad Pitt comedy Burn After Reading, but at least let us get through a busy April 1 before forcing us to unpack our Oscar-season hype filters. We're still digging through the Diablo Cody wreckage, for Christ's sake.

• 2008 awards season shaping up [Variety]