Yes, yes, we know. Everyone watched the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus Eight Kids, Several Lawyers, a Coupla Harrisburg Floozies, a Bald Bodyguard, and The Admonishing Visage of a Disappointed Jesus last night. Nine point eight million people who should be ashamed of themselves. Nine point eight million people who were giddy to see this marriage implode while eight poor halfsie children are cast to the winds of a world that will have little use for them when they grow older and stop being cute. What a cold dead place this ugly old rock is. But don't stuff that handful of Halcion down your gullet just yet. There's a glimmer on the horizon! Fran Rubel Kuzui, who so ably directed the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, and her husband, Kaz Kuzui, are planning a relaunch of the Buffy film series. One that will have nothing to do with the much beloved TV series. It's like vampires are popular these days or something! Actually, on second thought, go ahead and swallow that maw of pills now. [THR]

No one's watching anything because all is reruns, except for old people who don't remember that they already saw this episode. So, of course, CBS wins. [Variety]

Al Pacino would like to kill you. Humanely! Humanely. He's said to be eying the lead role of Jack Kevorkian in an upcoming HBO biopic. As long as Steve Buscemi can play Fred Leuchter in a cameo or something, we're happy. [THR]

If you're some kinda fag or dorky fairy chick, you might care about this. Mackenzie Crook—Gareth from The Office, Wooden Eye Guy in Pirates of the Caribbean, and a wonderful Konstantin Gavrilovich Treplyov in this past winter's The Seagull on Broadway—is gonna play in the second series of the BBC's Merlin thing. So, yeah, homo out or have a nerd grog party or something. We're gonna be over here lifting and thinking about Brooke Burns. [Variety]

Pissing On Your Childhood's Grave, Part MCXIV: A remake of Flight of the Navigator. Probably with computer graphics! [THR]

• Previously: The Top 10 TV Characters Men Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With [Defamer]

First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!

Sadly, progressively heightening a show's sex appeal with ever-so-slightly hotter ads might not be the wisest move. After Buffy got the shove-off to the vintage UPN, Sarah Michelle Gellar was photographed posing in that trademark Cosmo cover stance, suggestively, maybe, possibly, on the verge of masturbation. One season later, and the series' ashes lived on in that icky spin-off Angel. As for Beverly Hills: 90210, the standard smiley group shot used in promos rarely veered far off course. But once Season 10 wheezed its final pointless breath, Donna and her new boobs sat front and center, Kelly was forced to be groped by New Brandon Replacement #47, and Steve Sanders was permitted to play "sexy" while raising a risqué, black denim-clad leg around New Brenda Replacement #287. And the poor OC decided that turning Marissa into a lesbian wasn't quite sordid enough, so the previously wholesome ads ended, along with the series, with uber-tanned Mischa pushing whatever boobage she had together in the sand, while Ryan appeared ready to give her the old in-and-out from behind (Chino-style!).

Oops. After the sight of Rachel and Monica passionately making out giving each other a friendly peck failed to increase ratings for Dirt, some genius thought the image of Courteney Cox covered in actual dirt (get it?!) would do the trick. But rather than getting new viewers all hot and bothered, everyone just felt, well, dirty (get it?! Sigh.) Finally, the recently canceled L Word used a rather obvious promotional image by shoving all the chic lipstick lesbians together in one big ol' nude orgy party. The problem with this image? See the previous sentence (specifically, the "canceled" part).

• OMG! CHECK OUT THE SEXY NEW 'GOSSIP GIRL' ADS! [People]

Torrance Shipman, Bring It On: For every sweet as sugar Valley Girl like the original film's Julie Richman, there is the head cheerleader. Torr, her sidekicks, and her priorities dipped into the shallowest end of the San Fernando pool of prissy dumb blondes (with hearts of gold! In the end, of course!) Classic Quote: "I am only cheerleading."

Romy And Michele, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion: A rare glimpse into the lives of the post-grad working life of the VG, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino actually made anyone unfamiliar with the Valley kind of want to live there, where folding sweaters defined the girls' perfection of living by that old mantra: ignorance is bliss. Classic Quote: "You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny."

Stacy Hamilton, Fast Times At Ridgemont High: For every Torrance, there is a Stacy Hamilton: that shy, naive non-looker with the way hotter friend, who falls for the short, pale, and not handsome bad boy because he smokes cigarettes and dresses in all black. Classic Quote: "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?"

Tai, Clueless: Most people instantly envision Cher as a classic VG, but the contemporary Emma lived in Beverly Hills. And sure, Tai does hail from the scary land of Manhattan where "coke" means cocaine, not Coca-Cola. But by the climax of the flick, Tai represents everything VGs stand for: short skirts, make-up, gold jewelry and boyfriend-stealing. Classic Quote: "You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?"

Buffy Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Oh, Buff. The yellow cheerleading outfit. The gum. The bleached hair. The mini-skirts with polka dots used to attract football players. The like, icky gross feeling you get around dudes with British accents who are old and stuff. Our favorite, by a landslide. Classic Quote: "Right, I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping."

• MGM DEVELOPS MUSICAL 'VALLEY GIRL' [THR]

5. Back To The Future: What to do when you're on a DeLorean-powered trip back in the 50s and you need a master plan to make sure your teenage parents fall magically in love so you can, you know, exist and stuff? Why, plan an Enchantment Under The Sea dance of course! Technically not a prom per se, but Marty McFly's artfully designed gymnasium paired with Lea Thompson's updo sure made it look like one. Our favorite moment is above, after the Biff-as-recurring-obstacle-laden plan finally works, and Michael J. Fox rocks out like a regular Danny Zuko to "Johnny B. Goode" because the crowd calls for something that "really cooks."

4. Carrie: Oh dear. Nightmares much? After only one viewing of the DePalma classic at what was probably a far too early age, we still feel the instinctive need to run far, far away from whatever photo or television suddenly shows Sissy Spacek.

3. Pretty In Pink: Confession time. However ridiculously unrealistic it is when the uppity Andrew McCarthy boldly tells poufy-shouldered Molly Ringwald that he loves her, and as much pity we feel for the Right One that is adorable Duckie, we still sorta kinda need a tissue (just one!) whenever we watch this scene. Sappiness aside, any movie featuring James Spader in his trademark 80s sad snob role is a classic in our book.

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Both Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry haven't exactly seen their career trajectories blow up since this 1992 gem, but at their height looks-wise, watching them battle vampires using things like wooden stakes, stiletto heels and motorcycles is always a fun ride. And who can resist Paul Reubens in what might be the best proof of Pee Wee's comedic abilities?

1. Jawbreaker: Simply. The. Best. The tiara that could double as a weapon. The slow-motion ascent to the stage. Rebecca Gayheart mouthing "Eat Shit." Rose McGowan's gradual death via flower massacre. An epic journey from queen bee to exiled Heathers-like outcast, all set to the Donnas' "Rock & Roll Machine" and Frank Sinatra. Genius

• NY TIMES TAKES MIRAMAX TO 'PROM' [Var]

As we reported this week, Gellar, er, Sarah Michelle Prinze (shudder) is set to take over for Kate Bosworth in the upcoming Veronika Decides To Die, Nicholas Brendon claims he is busy "writing and acting" (aren't we all!), and Charisma Carpenter, who CC2K reports said under ten words all night, joked with Seth Green about "collaborating on a series of fitness videos." Which is actually not a bad idea; Charisma could show us how to pick up guys at LA Fitness while Seth instructs tiny-framed guys like himself on how easy it is to lift 10-pounders without needing a spotter. We'd shell out at least two bucks for that DVD.

• 'BUFFY' CAST REUNITES AT PALEY FESTIVAL [AP]
• PALEY FEST 2008: 'BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER' [CC2K]