Bad mothers are like unhappy families, no two are alike, but they are all a whole lot of fun to watch. Not only do they propel several televisions shows, but they will create fucked up kids, and without fucked up kids, where are we going to get our artists, serial killers, fameballs, and future Rock of Love cast members? Here's to the women who are more about lies, drugs, and promiscuity rather than homework, bed times, and grounding.

Nancy Botwin
Why She's Bad: She's an unstable drug dealer who is more concerned with keeping herself alive and getting laid than her children's well being.
Worst Parenting Moment: Younger son Shane gets shot when a Mexican drug cartel tries to execute Nancy.
Reasons to Love Her: She knows how to keep things interesting, and she's populated her children's lives with a cast of memorable characters. And she lets her kids drink, do drugs, and have sex while inappropriately young. She's going to be a great subject for Silas' memoir.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Shane, an alcoholic, masochistic teenage killer.
Fun Scale: 9
Mother's Day Present: Starbuck's gift certificate.

Susan Meyer
Why She's Bad: This desperate housewife pays more attention to her love life than her kids. Older daughter Julie was more the voice of wisdom than Susan ever was, or will be.
Worst Parenting Moment: Her young son MJ almost getting killed by a mad man.
Reasons to Love Her: Susan is the mom-as-friend that you always wanted. She would fret and frown and put her foot down, but she'll always let you get away with your dastardly deeds and do whatever you want.
Most Fucked Up Kid: MJ is going to have some serious Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his most recent ordeal.
Fun Scale: 8
Mother's Day Present: A copy of He's Just Not That Into You

Nora Walker
Why She's Bad: She's the type of mother that refuses to see her children's faults and will therefore let them get away with anything, and help them to do it. However, her instincts to meddle are almost unbearable and she's unhealthily involved in her adult children's lives. Like all the other Walker brothers and sisters, she likes to keep secrets.
Worst Parenting Moment: Almost giving recovering addict son Justin a fix.
Reasons to Love Her: Who doesn't want a mom to tell you that you're great no matter what? And if you can't call up your mom to gossip, why bother to call at all.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Unrepentant embezzler Tommy.
Fun Scale: 5
Mother's Day Present: An iPhone.

Betty Draper
Why She's Bad: In a show full of mad men, she's a mad woman; your classic frosty '60s housewife who is June Cleaver on the outside and Sylvia Plath on the inside. Her children are like another accessory in her home, ones she can't connect to emotionally.
Worst Parenting Moment: Locking her kids in the closet, and smoking and drinking (a lot) while pregnant.
Reasons to Love Her: The hair, the clothes, the perfectly-cooked meals. Betty is retro fabulous.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Sally is already a petty theif, but we bet Bobby turns into the funnest coke fiend at Studio 54.
Fun Scale: 3
Mother's Day Present: Valium.

Jackie Peyton
Why She's Bad: She's a drug addict who feels more comfortable on the job than at home. Also, she's leading a double life and having an affair to keep herself in prescription drugs.
Worst Parenting Moment: Getting in a fight at her daughter's tap class.
Reasons to Love Her: She tries to keep things light and interesting, taking her daughters on outings and spoiling them because of her guilt.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Grace, a neurotic mess with an anxiety disorder.
Fun Scale: 6
Mother's Day Present: A new haircut.

Nicki Grant
Why She's Bad: We have no problem with her raising a family in the big love of polygamy, but she lies to and manipulates everyone around her, using her children as pawns. Also, she has such daddy issues of her own that she's barely fit to raise kids.
Worst Parenting Moment: Abandoning her brood to move back to the fundamentalist compound she came from, without telling her kids why she left of when she's coming back.
Reasons to Love Her: Nicki is the kind of trainwreck that is marvelous to behold. And when she's not quoting pat Bible platitudes, she can be dishy and fun.
Most Fucked Up Kid: On a show with this many children, we can barely tell them apart from the others.
Fun Scale: 2
Mother's Day Present: A Topsy-Tail

In this economy, ABC can't afford to only let go every gay, gay-adjacent, or gay-hating actor on Grey's Anatomy. Other ABC series are feeling the burn, and two newly departing actors were announced today.

The first? Nicollette Sheridan of Desperate Housewives, according to E!:

So how's she getting offed? Here are the exclusive details of the rumored exit...

As it's been penned: Edie [Sheridan] finds out her husband, Dave, plans to kill her-and Dave almost does kill her. She runs out of the house, but alas, poor Edie gets in an accident, something involving her car and an electrical wire. More details to come; the script is still being released for table reads.

Our condolences, Nicollette; may David Spade offer you a spindly shoulder to cry on. Also getting formally fired is the much-rumored-about Balthazar Getty, says E!:

After weeks of rumors that Getty has been causing problems on the set, sources tell us exclusively that episode 19, titled "Spring Broken," will be Getty's last of the season.

According to insiders who work on the show, Getty's character, Tommy Walker, will have a very dramatic and surprising storyline in coming episodes, in which he will-spoiler alert!-go to jail, get out on bail and go on the lam in Mexico.

But here's the really scandalous part...

Sources tell me that before he goes, Balthazar's Tommy will get thoroughly wasted, flirt with young girls and get a nice slap across the face from his mother, Nora (Sally Field).

Is it a case of art imitating adulterous life, or were Getty's future plotlines swallowed-up by Field's maniacal scene-chewing? Whatever it is, we're sure the tumbling economy didn't help; it's a good thing Lost announced an end-date it's working steadily toward, or we have a feeling that the May sweeps smoke monster would leave no one on the show besides Michael Emerson and the dog who plays Vincent. Actually, we would still watch that.

• Exclusive! Nicollette Sheridan's Desperate Housewives Days Numbered [E!]

• BREAKING NEWS: Nicollette Sheridan Leaving Desperate Housewives [E!]

boomp3.com

Balthazar Getty anxiously paced the arrivals section of LAX on Monday. The Lost Highway star said that usually his wife picks him up from the airport, but since all the recent nastiness involving Getty and British bicycle Sienna Miller, she might be getting some revenge on him by leaving him stranded. Getty said, "What's that line from Airplane? Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue? Well, replace 'glue' with 'cheating on my wife' and that about sums this situation up." Getty paced around awhile before hopping on an Enterprise Rent-A-Car shuttle.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.