Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

The tiny couple in question? None other than Lily Beckinsale and Brooklyn Beckham. Apparently (and we quote), "Kate Beckinsale has reportedly given her 9-year-old daughter Lily permission to 'date' Brooklyn Beckham." But before Kate begins setting up a registry at Harrod's, she may want to consider the wrath of Tom Cruise's SWAT team of Hubbard-humping disco stars — a month back, we noted Suri's obvious crush on the very same hot boy on campus, and Beckinsale's new friendship with Victoria Beckham isn't going to protect her from the wrath of Xenuphobes either. But before we prepare for the impending battle of the broods, it sounds as though Kate is simply dreaming of a romance still in its very early stages: "I am dreading the day Lily brings home a boy. But she and the Beckham boys get on really well...If she did have to have a boyfriend, then I suppose Brooklyn would get my seal of approval!" And considering Lily's apparent fondness for wearing as much makeup as possible before reaching double digits, as evident in the above photo, we have a feeling Posh would gladly approve as well.

• KATE BECKINSALE: MY DAUGHTER CAN DATE BROOKLYN BECKHAM [NYDN]

Though Hubbard's crowned prince did his best to quite literally shove little Suri towards the more age-appropriate 3-year old Cruz, Suri was visibly smitten with Brooklyn. Anyone else hear "Suri, Brooklyn" and get just as uncomfortable as David Letterman's Oscar audience did post "Uma, Oprah"? In any case, it seems Tom may have given up the fight towards hooking up Posh 'n Becks to e-meters, and has begun using Suri as a delectable treat for the kids. We can just little Brook Becks now: "Mommy Posh! Suri says honey babas are brilliant! I must have ten this instant!" But Brooklyn may have some serious competition...

As Us reports, Suri's favorite movie thus far is Travolta's drag vehicle Hairspray, leading the Cruise fam to a viewing of the Broadway show while in New York early this month. And Suri's giggles and shy grin upon leaving tend to mean only one thing: she can "hear the bells," and they've been rung by star Ashley Parker Angel. We're just left feeling sorry for Tom's Other Daughter (Isabella, 15, who appears to have overcome that "awkward" stage). When will Katie take her along to the next Scientology mixer at the House of Hubbard?

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• TOM AND KATIE PLAY BABYSITTER FOR THE BECKHAMS AS THEY TAKE BABY SURI TO WATCH DAVID PLAY FOR LA GALAXY [Daily Mail]
• SURI CRUISE'S FAVORITE VIDEO IS HAIRSPRAY! [Us]