The Daily News reports that the charges were dropped after an investigation because Proenza Schouler co-designer Jack McCollough, who found himself on the business end of Keifer's forehead, was being uncooperative.

"We declined to prosecute after a full investigation, including talking to the complaining witness who was quite uncooperative," a spokeswoman for District Attorney Robert Morgenthau said.

McCollough had his nose broken in the altercation, which was spurned on because Sutherland did not like the way McCollough was treating Brook Shields. This was just like the time on 24 when Jack Bauer's daughter was stuck in a trap and being attacked by a mountain lion, except Shields has more acting talent than the daughter, and McCollough is not nearly as fierce as a lion.

Yes, he may have gotten off scot-free, but his reputation is not untarnished. After all, how macho is it to beat up on fashion designers? That's kind of like beating up a 14-year-old girl with glasses.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The creepy gold casket was wheeled in and the oddness began.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Old pal Stevie Wonder sang a sad, fitting song.

Legendary producer Berry Gordy, who helped work young Michael to the bone when he was hoofing it in the Jackson 5, called Jackson the "greatest entertainer that's ever lived." Hm.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Al Sharpton stirringly, if inaccurately, told Jackson's children that there "wun't nothing strange about your daddy." Sigh.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Jackson's childhood pal Brooke Shields tearfully recounted their shared bond over being children in the spotlight. Though, unfortunately, her constant mentioning of kids and little princes struck an awkward chord.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.A crazy congresslady from Texas wandered up on stage and said that she wished she was a Jackson and that Michael was totally innocent of all those creepy charges.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Magic Johnson came up and told a few stories. But mostly he just plugged Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.R&B singer Urrrsher won the award for Most Classless of the day, by wearing sunglasses and pretending to cry. Usher, you were never a good actor, so why try and finally go for the teary clip reel at a funeral of all places?

Toward the end, a bunch of escaped mental patients were brought on to sing a "Heal the World"/"We Are the World" World Medley that left everyone looking awkward and ashamed, except for a few of Jackson's grasping brothers, who just seemed thrilled to be on stage.

In a chilling final moment, Jackson's rarely-seen daughter Paris tearfully said she loved her father and that he was great. In a haunting evocation of a cycle continuing to grind on, her aunt Janet fixed her hair and dotingly but firmly told her "Speak up, honey. Speak up." It was pretty much devastating.

So, that was that. An odd mess of a thing—part exciting, part sad, but mostly confusing. Fitting, then, for a life lived bizarrely and publicly, a life that needed a new word for famous, a life that, in many ways, really ended and disappeared many years ago. This whole event just felt perfunctory, as if no one could imagine MJ going out without a bang, but weren't really sure how to make the appropriate gesture. So it was just a mash of things, of different tones and styles.

And then it ended, abruptly and strangely, leaving us all to ponder what it was exactly that we'd just seen.

Image via Getty

Two days after the cancellation stories made the rounds, the show went up 17% in the adult demo from the week before. And the previous week's episode went up 20%.

Those are big gains ... but they're big gains from small numbers. Friday had 3.6 million viewers and 1.4 rating among adults 18-49. Unless Shields is willing to work pro bono, that's still too low for a scripted drama in primetime. The show does better when DVR use is factored, but so does any scripted program suddenly moved to a Friday night.

...Only one more "Lipstick" episode is currently scheduled to air — on the next two Fridays NBC has scheduled other programming. NBC hasn't decided whether to run the remaining four hours. The network would probably love a couple more weeks of data to see if those Friday numbers keep rising, but given the holidays and the 13th episode wrapping this week, the network's final-final "Lipstick" decision, whatever it is, might have to be a leap of faith.

Sadly, by that time, a timid Ben Silverman will have scapegoated every single employee at NBC, leaving him the only one left to break the bad news to Brooke personally. "Brookie... ding ding ding! Beijing Ben here. Sorry babe, bad news: we're replacing Lipstick with a brand-new, rejiggered Manimal. But at least it'll give you some free time to work on that upcoming Estelle Getty project! Oh, sorry — too soon?"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Brooke Shields says 'Lipstick' not canceled [THR]

"She was so freaked out, her eyes welled up, and she actually bit her nails at one point," says the spy. "When someone pretended to dump Estelle Getty's ashes on [30 Rock star] Jack McBrayer's head, Brooke got up and walked offstage."

"She watched the rest of the show from behind a curtain backstage, with a grimace."

Shields' spokesman said she left to talk to the writers before she was about to go on.

Content that her concerns were heard, Shields returned to the panel, only to once again storm off when a simple improv exercise solicited the suggestion of, "You're a frequent narrator! And you're in a 1997 Nissan Maxima!"

• Brooke Shields balks at 'dead' gag [NY Daily News]

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES HOST A-LIST HOUSEWARMING PARTY [Us}
• TOMKAT HOST THE PARTY OF THE YEAR (WITH POSH AND OPRAH ON THE GUEST LIST) [Daily Mail]

From left, OJ Simpson heralded as a triple threat in 1977 (athlete! TV star! potential psychopath!), Olivia Newton-John had America hooked on roller skating in 1979, and 15-year old Brooke Shields was dressed in a loincloth in 1980.

Travolta appeared on an 1983 cover saying Look How Straight I Am!, Fabio was gruesomely all the rage in 1993, and some sick editor decided it would be a hoot to "disrobe" Judge Judy in 1999.

Eight entire years ago, the mag wondered if perhaps, there might be something a little kooky with Britney and her grown-up ways (prophets, those editors!), Jen and Brad tied the knot in 2000, and Tom Cruise ran off with his second beard his Vanilla Sky co-star Penelope Cruz, leaving Nicole Kidman "shocked," naturally.

• ARCHIVE: PEOPLE.COM [People]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.

In this clip, watch the former model's masterful skills of desperately convincing Dave and his audience that she's totally hot, no matter how asexually rugged she appears in the photos in question. Our favorite moment comes when Dave flashes the mag's cover, featuring Madonna in one of her newly standard crotch-flashing poses, and Brooke says under her breath, "I didn't get the cover...I think I'm a little bit of competition inside." Yes, Brooke, those shots of you looking like a cross between Annie Lennox and Jamie Lee Curtis really do give Madge a run for her money.

• LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

According to the News, the ladies of Darren Star's Cashmere Mafia on ABC are not going to be blessing us with their rapid, frantic chats, supposedly enviable lives, and tired slurping of Cosmos for much longer:

A source...tells me the suits aren't confident the show will stick around. 'He just said about the show, 'Yisgadal v'yitkadash', the Jewish prayer for the dead,' laughs the ear-witness."

But perhaps the reason behind Cashmere's reported demise has more to do with casting? While Lipstick marked the return of sorely missed stars Brooke Shields and on-set dreamboat diarist Andrew McCarthy, Cashmere relied on the always dependable character actress Lucy Liu to hold down the court as his glossy heroine. And the man candy (handsome but dull Peter Hermann and bright young thing but dull Julian Ovenden) didn't stand a chance in comparison. But in the end, all the suits care about are ratings: with the News reporting the latest numbers as Lipstick's 6.4million viewers to Cashmere's 5.7 million, the rumored shutdown may be a simple case of disappointing numbers.

• 'CASHMERE MAFIA' MIGHT BE TAKEN FOR A RIDE [Gatecrasher]

OPRAH Winfrey wasn't invited to the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding in Italy, but Brooke Shields was, our sources say. Shields and Holmes became best friends after Holmes gave birth to baby Suri - and after Cruise publicly apologized to Shields for slamming her for taking antidepressants for her postpartum depression, a Scientology no-no. While some say Shields is being used to help repair Cruise's tarnished image, Shields doesn't seem to care and our insider said she is going to attend this weekend's nuptials. A rep for Cruise declined comment; a rep for Shields didn't return calls.

Whether the invitation is part of Cruise's ongoing image rehabilitation campaign or a magnanimous gesture meant to heal the wounds of the past, Shields should still avoid avoid wandering around the ceremony unattended, lest she find herself quickly escorted to an isolated room, where a pair of "ushers" would search her purse for the contraband anti-depressants that they claim she was planning to use to taint the ceremony's water supply with dangerous mind-poison.

• SURPRISE GUEST [Page Six]

"He came over to my house, and he gave me a heartfelt apology," Shields said Friday during an appearance on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." "And he apologized for bringing me into the whole thing and for everything that happened.

"And through it all, I was so impressed with how heartfelt it was. And I didn't feel at any time that I had to defend myself, nor did I feel that he was trying to convince me of anything other than the fact that he was deeply sorry. And I accepted it."

Once she accepted the apology, however, things became newly awkward when a nanny carrying Shields' infant daughter Grier happened by the reconciling friends, and Cruise, taking the baby in his arms, intimated that things "weren't really working out with the Suri unit," and that he was "in the market for a normal-sized one who might photograph a little better." But once Shields snatched back her daughter and assured the star that she wasn't for sale, Cruise quickly bid her goodbye, muttering, "I bet that's the Zoloft talking," as he headed for the door, undoing much of the good will he'd intended to generate.

• Shields: Cruise made 'heartfelt apology [AP]

Interesting Katie Holmes did not have her silent birth at home — she had her baby at Cedars right next to the room where Brooke Shields gave birth to her baby today.

We find this a little hard to believe, but if true, Team Cruise pulled a masterful misdirect in attracting a mob of paparazzi to his compound. With the ravenous tabloid media distracted, they could then carry on their secretive business at celebrity-friendly Cedars Sinai St. John's*, where the couple could buy an unclaimed baby ("which one looks like a 'Suri' to you, Kate?") from the nursery in relative privacy.

*UPDATE: The hospital story wasn't as tinfoil-hatted as we assumed, as Us Weekly says that both babies were born at St. John's in Santa Monica.

• Brooke Shields Has Another Baby Girl [AP]
• Silent Blockbuster: Tom Cruise's Miracle Baby Finally Arrives [Defamer]

"The Insider"'s Marc Malkin has confirmed that actress Brooke Shields is pregnant with her second child. She and husband Chris Henchy already have a 2-year-old daughter, Rowan. The baby is due in the spring, Shields' rep tells Malkin. No further details were given.

Back in July, Shields spoke out against comments made by Tom Cruise, in which the megastar criticized her for taking an antidepressant to cope with postpartum depression. Cruise had remarked, during an interview with the "Today" show's Matt Lauer, "There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance" and expressed his disapproval of antidepressants.

In an op-ed column that ran in the New York Times, Shields wrote that Cruise's statements "are a disservice to mothers everywhere. To suggest that I was wrong to take drugs to deal with my depression, and that instead I should have taken vitamins and exercised shows an utter lack of understanding about postpartum depression and childbirth in general," adding, "If any good can come of Mr. Cruise's ridiculous rant, let's hope that it gives much-needed attention to a serious disease."

Mayday! Mayday! All Operating Thetans to Mission Control! Operation "Silent Intervention" is now in effect! Unmarked black van to arrive at precisely oh-six-hundred-hours! Leave no pill bottle unspilled, no womb unexplored, no birth unsilenced! Xenuspeed with you, my brothers.

• Shields Pregnant with Baby No. 2 [The Insider]