1.) What's baby oil made from?

2.) What's propitious?

3.) Brain Babies
They're scary!

4.) People in the New York metro area love misery, as indicated by the most popular stories on the local news.

5.) Brooke Hogan thinks she looks hot as a lesbian. Others disagree.

6.) Bravo aired deleted scenes from the infamous "prostitution whore" finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. We learned a lot of new things, like GL Juicy J (gays love Juicy Joe).



And we learned that linoleum floors are not desirable in the Garden State.

7.) We also got some insight into what Danielle's sex tape might involve.

8.) 16 and Pregnant is a breeding ground for future Judge Judy litigants: Parents who raise idiots who become parents who raise idiots. It may sound harsh, but that's only if you haven't seen the show.

I do have to agree with the girl on point:

9.) "This man is an idiot."

10.) Janice Dickinson was voted off I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!
I'm gonna miss her crazy like crazy.

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

"This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick's adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible," she said. "Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media's role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time."

Believe us — it would be our pleasure if young Hogan (a/k/a Nick Bollea) were to uphold that "media-free" promise, though reports from his stint in the poke indicate a reality show about his reassimilation is just the kind of unfortunate inevitability you might expect. But even with a media accommodation here and there, Nick still has a decidedly motor-free existence ahead of him: A three-year license suspension, five-year probation and 500 hours of community service for the high-speed crash that left his pal, former Marine and Iraq War veteran John Graziano critically injured and disabled to this day.

But enough of the heavy stuff! We're just glad he nabbed an early-release in time for Election Day; Florida's a battleground as always, and we know how civically engaged the Hogan family stays this time of year. Welcome home, son!

• Bollea Released From Pinellas Jail After 166 Days [Tampa Tribune via MTV News]

Watson, who apparently garnered straight A's in high school finishing exams (Ooh! Sounds fancy!), says she hopes to be a part of a liberal arts program in the U.S. But after recent reports that new student James Franco was being stalked by hordes of psycho freshman while studying at the Columbia University library, we've learned the campus grounds aren't the safest confines for the cream of Young Hollywood's crop.

In fact, some schools are flat out rejecting stars for the unwanted distraction they bring to the classroom. Last spring, Brooke Hogan was denied admission at three colleges in Florida when she was told the nine-camera production team behind her VH1 reality show Brooke Knows Best would disrupt the academic livelihood of other students - which is unfortunate, as she clearly needs the education.

At the University of Southern California, the fine institution from which I recently graduated, there were many "star" students. Freshman year, Lee Thompson Young, vaguely known for his starring role on Disney's long-lost series The Famous Jett Jackson, was constantly ridiculed for his penchant for wearing exclusively all-white ensembles around campus ... classy. When Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos was boning Paris, girls used to flock to his English classes in the hopes of impressing him with their knowledge of Kafka. And rumor had it that David Gallagher, who played that goody-two-shoes with a bowl cut Simon from 7th Heaven, was a huge stoner who shacked up with a stripper in a house off campus.

Point being: Hermione - no matter what you do, you're probably screwed.

• Emma Watson Applies to U.S. Colleges [People]

Still, her tenuous grasp on the memory is understandable, as proven when Stern and Co. continue to quiz her about presidential candidates (asked Obama's first name, she carefully answers, "'Barack' or something?"), forcing an overwhelmed Hogan to cry out, "There's too many friggin' people in office!" Perhaps that would explain the blank she draws when asked the name of the current Vice President? The answer, dear Brooke, is "Dick Cheney," and it's as plain as the nose on your face (which, if you're not careful, Mr. Cheney will shoot off). [Howard Stern]

Sure, Brooke Hogan's political ignorance may be easy to pillory (though her dark horse candidate would certainly win endorsements from the bulk of last night's Moonman-accepting crowd). After all, this is the same reality star who came under fire for her belief that female menstruation should be an instant DQ for the presidency (so get cracking on that change of life, ladies!). Still, after the events of the past ten days, we can't help but see in Brooke the sort of happy optimism that remains unchanged by frightening new political polls. Sometimes, after reading about the new person Palin had fired or the books she wanted banned from the public library, all we want to do is don a low-cut dress, toss our hair from side to side, and shimmy, shimmy down the red carpet until political doom is just a bad dream on a channel far, far away from VH1. [MTV]

• Brooke Knows Best [VH1]

Brooke Hogan is fightin' mad after her mother, Linda, accused estranged hubby Terry (Hulk) Hogan of violating a restraining order and stalking her. Linda recently told police that as she was leaving her house, she saw Hulk driving toward it and called 911.

"I know for a fact that the accusations made against my father are completely false," said Brooke. She's right: Miami cops found no evidence of a restraining order.

Well, there's that. Still, what kind of country have we become where you can no longer persecute people for violating imaginary restraining orders? Is celebrity jurisprudence now so out of hand that the mere idea of a legally binding document — issued, no doubt, by Snuffleupagus himself — is somehow found lacking? Pity poor Linda Hogan, undone by a judicial loophole despite a powerhouse team of lawyers led by Phoenix Wright. If they can't beat the (imaginary) system, what hope have we?

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Hulk's daughter slams her mom [New York Daily News]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

Hulk Hogan: Low on the list, only because Brooke hasn't quite reached "starlet" or "rebellious" levels of fame yet.
Jamie Spears: Britney has publicly outed her dad as a former drug user, and we can't think of a father/daughter pair who are more "troubled" at the moment, but somehow Jamie doesn't strike us as the manhood-piercing type.
Michael Lohan: He is a wild card, but he's also some kind of born-again missionary. We don't know much about born-agains, but we doubt they frequent piercing parlors too often.

Lionel Richie: Lionel's the kind of guy we could picture spontaneously deciding to stick some jewels in those nether regions of his. But Nicole's no longer causing him any grief, and we can't find any reason why the crooner would be "troubled" at the moment.
Bruce Willis: Most likely suspect. Rumer's rebellious, Bruce is floundering, and he's a bad ass dude. How else to prove to his extended family that Ashton will never, ever be the man he is? A pierced Segel is the obvious answer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Rob's Blog, NYDN]

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.