We distilled an episode of The Hills into 10 three-panel strips. That's two weeks' worth of contents on the funny pages! This is what it would look like.

Kristin and Brody Reminisce
Setting: The patio of a restaurant for brunch. They both look like they just spent the night rolling around in bed.
Panel One:
Kristin: Remember when we were together?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: We should do that again.

Heidi in Therapy
Setting: The office of Dr. Jordana Mosbacher, Heidi lying down on a psychologist's couch with her wrist on her forehead.
Panel One:
Heidi: Doctor, I don't know what to do. I want babies so bad, but my husband doesn't want them. I think I'm just going to stop using birth control pills and surprise him.
Panel Two:
Dr. Jordana Mosbacher: The decision has to be a rational one, not a hormonal or emotional decision.
Panel Three:
Heidi: Oh doctor, when have you ever known me to make a hormonal or emotional decision?

Brody and his Bros
Setting: A gritty, poorly lit pool hall. Three men huddled around a table.
Panel One:
Brody Bro: Hey man, I heard that Jayde and Kristin got in a killer fight over you.
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, Bro.
Panel Three:
Brody Bro: That rules.

Kristin and Jayde
Setting: A swaky restaurant. Both women have drinks. Jayde should be swirling a martini glass with one eyebrow on her plastic face permanently arched.
Panel One:
Jayde: I know you don't want to be here and I don't want to be here.
Kristin: Why are we fighting? You and Brody broke up.
Panel Two:
Jayde: Everything was fine before you showed up! You steal everyone's boyfriends.
Panel Three:
Kristin: You're a bitch.

Kristin and Lo at Lunch
Setting: The patio of a nondescript restaurant that looks like every other restaurant where they film patio scenes.
Panel One:
Kristin: Hi, Lo. It's nice to meet you.
Panel Two:
Lo: Yeah, the producers told me we're supposed to be friends now. What's happening?
Panel Three:
Kristin: Jayde and I got in a fight.
Lo: DISH!

Audrina Thinks Heidi Is Nuts
Setting: The same patio where they just filmed Kristin and Lo, later the same day.
Panel One:
Heidi: I'm going to stop using birth control and then romance Spencer with dinner and candles so he'll knock me up.
Panel Two:
Audrina (covering her face): Heidi, that is a really, really bad idea. I mean, even I think that's a bad idea.
Panel Three:
Heidi: No way. I always get what I want.

Brody and Jayde: The Reunion Special
Setting: The inside of a restaurant. Again, Jayde is swirling a martini and has a permanently arched eyebrow.
Panel One:
Jayde: I love you, but you're a jerk. Will you stop being a jerk?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Jayde: Yay, we're back together. Now you have to tell Kristin.
Broday: Yeah, bro.

Brody Breaks the News
Setting: Yet another restaurant. Don't these people have houses? Kristin is all dressed up for no apparent reason, but looking really good. Like most comic strip boyfriends, Brody is wearing the exact same T-shirt we always see him in.
Panel One:
Kristin : I think we have a really good thing together. I want it to be like old times.
Panel Two:
Brody: No, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: How dare you! Are you getting back together with Jayde?
Brody: Yeah, bro.

Heidi Tries to Get a Bun in Her Oven
Setting: The kitchen of Heidi and Spencer's glass coffin. Heidi is wearing an A-line dress and an apron. She is pulling a steaming turkey out of the oven, and kicking the door closed with one foot.
Panel One:
Heidi: Honey, I cooked dinner and made candles.
Panel Two:
Spencer: What the fuck is going on? Are you possessed?
Panel Three:
Heidi: No, I love you. Are you ready for dessert, and by dessert I mean sex.

Kristin and Stacie Make a Getaway
Setting: Back at the apartment, which is messy, strewn with clothes, crap, and empty martini glasses. For some strange reason, there is a bamboo gate at the foot of the stairs.
Panel One:
Kristin: Brody sucks, he got back together with Jayde.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Two:
Kristin: Justin sucks too. Listen, he's crying on my voicemail.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Three:
Kristin: What should I do?
Stacie: VEGAS!

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I'm an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don't really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin's house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can't she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don't know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can't come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won't date me because I don't have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they're drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I'm all like "Why are you still with that tranny?" And he's like, "I don't know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I'm all, 'She's just a friend.' Now Jayde won't come." The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That's when I think it's a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won't look at me, he's inside talking to Jayde, and he's happy that she's there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that's a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the "courage" to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I'm looking for a half-full 40 that doesn't have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she's heard of him, all right) and he's all, "Wasn't my joke text really funny." And Kristin was like, "I don't get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up." And he's like, "Cause it's funny." I must have passed out behind the bar and I said "Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You're na funny a tall!"

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn't, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi's house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn't "babysitting" for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it's a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, "My mommy does that too!"

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all "rehab saved me life," and I wanted to be all "it didn't stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!" but I didn't. I let Holly tell me she's concerned about me. We both started crying. I'm not sure why. I just don't like it when everyone pays attention to me and I'm sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn't deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo's mom's house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. "Trust me, sister. I know just what you need." And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. "With extra olives!" I said, because I hadn't eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn't had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he's in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it's pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don't know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said "Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK." They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you've heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn't right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don't know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister's neighbor's basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Just like knowing that producers of the "reality show" were punching up the action behind the scenes, we all knew that these kids weren't selling their souls to MTV for peanuts, but just how much they're walking away with is astonishing. On the eve of the new season, The Daily Beast's Nicole LaPorte (who was once stupid enough to accept Gawker editor Richard Rushfield's proposal of marriage) lets us know just how much they're making. Got your barf bag out? Good.

[Kristin] Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as [Lauren] Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show's contracts. Conrad's deal stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad's BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

No wonder Cavallari was lured out of obscurity to come back to reality television. And it is a travesty that Lauren Conrad makes almost $100K more an episode than Nene Leakes, the grand goddess of reality television programming. And this is just for the show, not counting all the endorsement deals and clothing lines and other contracts these professional wind-up toys have.

With a starting salary like this, no wonder President Obama said all the kids want to be on reality television to make some easy money. Like Spencer Pratt told the Beast, "Well, guess what, Obama? We have made it quite easier!"

Like all things evil in the world, Speidi is to blame.

[Image via Getty]

Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that.

The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following:

Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!...
How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit
Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him?

In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her."

Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued:

This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down."

Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis."

Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident.

Not so well, says THR. The City, Whitney Port's NYC-set spinoff of The Hills, lured 1.6 million viewers—down 38% from last week's Hills episode in a season where The Hills is already down 26% year-to-year. 9pm lead-in Bromance did the show few favors; it averaged 963,000 viewers. Sorry, Audrina: this means your planned revival of the seminal Eric Nies starrer The Grind goes back to development hell.

• MTV's 'Hills' spinoff disappoints [THR]

With the contestants snug, asleep, and undressed in a Los Angeles hotel, Jenner ordered burly security guards to forcibly pull them from their beds, an offense that was once thought of as sexual harassment (back during The Real World: Los Angeles) but was now apparently regarded as great show fodder by a proto-gay, A&F-clad creative executive at MTV. The nude contestants were hooded and whisked away to a random house (near USC?) where Jenner was waiting, all so that his first words to the potential best pals could be, "Take 'em off, guys." Thus, MTV's bold new attempt at a gay dating show began.

Jenner promptly laid out the parameters of the first competition: "pull" two chicks for a party later that night. Helping to assist him would be his Hills costar Frankie Delgado and, uh, his "friend" "Sleazy T" (discuss: did the man choose his nickname because he didn't want his real one associated with this series, or did he possess it already, signifying a lack of shame that would render that sort of cognitive thinking moot? Wait, who are we kidding, he probably auditioned and was cast for this role himself, providing producers with a warm-up Bromance in miniature). This was far too much for the show's only (out) homosexual contestant, Michael, who quit the show after realizing that he had competition in the eyebrow-scaping department that he may never be able to surpass.

Eventually, after lots of lessons learned and one-armed handshake hugs, it came time for Jenner to eliminate a bro. For this, he stripped down to a swimsuit and entered his spa in a lovingly photographed montage that suggested a future Bromance challenge: the ability to trim one's chest hair, yet still craft an immaculate happy trail. Finally, Jenner was left in the pool with the two weakest contestants: filthy-mouthed Jacob, and a young man whose startling resemblance to Star Trek's Chris Pine was not helped by the name "Chris P." Sadly, it was Jacob who would be asked to leave the spa and show, though he received the order from Jenner in a catchphrase-less mumble. Not even a "Who broa, whoa. Uncool, brah"? Back to the drawing board, MTV. [Bromance]

Audrina, we’re told, is fuming because she found out that her on-and-off lover, Justin [Bobby], and former BFF, L.C., hooked up behind her back...Supposedly, A-doll has been running around town trying to find out any info about the incident that Mister Bobby himself has supposedly confessed to. Lauren denies it, natch.

In fact, Conrad denied it today to In Touch, claiming, "These accusations are so crazy it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." Crisis averted? Not so much — now Patridge has taken to her own, product placement-choked blog to basically accuse Conrad of mascara-running crocodile tears:

I woke up this morning and it seems like just about every gossip magazine or blog has a story about Lauren hooking up with Justin.

I'm not sure what to believe. Though Justin and I have not been exclusive for quite some time, these rumors are very confusing and hurtful.

I can't comment on whether they are true or false.

While Patridge might simply be teasing an upcoming staged storyline on The Hills, it's also possible that Conrad went off-book, bedding Audrina's ex in a shocking, Stephanie Pratt-worthy about-face. Where's Whitney's shocked face when you need it?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• 
  EXCLUSIVE: The Rumors [Audrina Patridge]

Boomp3.com

Brodacious reality TV star Brody Jenner implemented the trusty crane kick to defend Coco De Ville from the haters on Tuesday night. Jenner stood guard outside the club to keep "the negative vibes" (his words) out of the club . Jenner added, "It's Tuesday night and people need to get ready for the weekend. So, if anybody with a negative attitude wants to step into the place, I'm gonna put them in a bodybag. There is no negativity in this dojo, sensai!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 annually)
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 a year)
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 for The Hills Season 4)
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode ($152,000 for The Hills Season 4)

Congratulations to fledgling villainess Lo, who has finally reached the "Brody Jenner threshold" that separates the wannabes from the bros. Audrina, too, has seen her rift with Lauren pay dividends; we hope that with the extra cash on hand, she will finally be able to afford more Dermalogica face cleanser, then the toner, and then Active Moist the moisturizer. Only Whitney's salary disappoints — though we've always found her pulled faces priceless, apparently to MTV, each shocked expression is worth less than the time it takes to comb Spencer Pratt's abominable snow-mustache.

[photo credit: AP]

• MTV “The Hills” Salary Dispute: “The Hills” Salaries Revealed [PopCrunch]

Boomp3.com

Beloved actress Anne Hathaway embarked on a mini walk of shame outside of Coco De Ville Tuesday night. The Get Smart star, who recently split from con man & Zach Braff look alike Raffaello Follieri, allegedly had a lapse in judgment and gave reality TV maven Brody Jenner her number. At the valet station, Hathaway confessed to a BFF that she was suckered in by Jenner's frat boy charm. Hathaway sighed, "He had a backwards hat on and, well, I don't know....He just seemed like a guy who wouldn't be able pull off an elaborate con involving the Vatican, which is exactly the kind of guy I'm looking to rebound with. And he was wearing a backwards hat."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

Love Guru star Verne Troyer was the person to hang out with at the ESPN X Games Celebrity Golf torment on Tuesday afternoon. Troyer's audience at the tournament included reality TV mavens Brody Jenner and Frankie Delgado, the latter of whom compared the pint size actor's golfing skills to Phil Mickelson. Jenner said, "He's good, but he's nowhere as awesome as K-Fed. He's like the Tiger Woods of celebrity golfers, but Verne is kind of cooler cause he has that sex tape."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Dave scores his first points by feigning interest in an updated report on whatever current catfights have been set up by MTV producers between the interchangeable Hills blondes, then swiftly admitting he "has no idea" what he's talking about. But the slam dunks occur after successfully recruiting the audience to his side of the increasingly tense verbal battle, and launching into an initially innocent inquiry about rumors Pratt charges fees just to show up at nightclubs.

Pratt's decision to surpass Linda Evangelista in braggart pretension by saying (twice! and with the support of camera-ready partner in crime Heidi Montag in the green room!) he won't get out of bed for less than $100k with a straight face spurs genuine belly laughs and the classic Letterman customized-to-each-guest rebuttal: "Stop it, just stop. For a second there, I thought you actually said $100,000." But he doesn't stop there, asking Heidi if this "nonsense" is true, and pondering out loud about what kind of tricks Pratt performs to garner this fee ("bring a pony and have kids take their picture with it?"). By the time he passive-aggressively tells Spencer to get his scrawny ass and enormous head to get the fuck off his couch, Dave officially reclaims his late-night crown and reaffirms our confidence in the recently dusty goofball's improvised wizardry.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

”Contestants will be whittled down via ‘Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies’ after which [the] rejected will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand...contestants also will have shots at a ‘group date’ and ‘alone time’ with Jenner in every episode.”

Oh, did we mention the fact that these “contestants” are known as “bros”? Yes, this is a dating show for dudebros who probably don't understand what the word "repression" means. More gruesome details after the jump.

As THR reports, six episodes of the "buzzed about" show starring reality regular Jenner has finally been picked up by MTV as Ryan Seacrest continues his master plan to destroy television by replacing Larry King the instant his suspenders fall by the wayside and by pumping out homoerotic shows week after week. In the case of Bromance, a group of "regular guys" will arrive in Hollywood and compete to become part of Jenner's incredibly elite and elusive "entourage," meaning they will be allowed into Hyde roughly 50% of the time and get to sit in dirty velvet booths alongside the likes of Audrina Patridge. One can only dream. In addition to the aforementioned wet speedo rejection structure, the challenges will range from skydiving to "dealing with the paparazzi." Which will admittedly be difficult, considering the winner will be expected to "deal" with paps by begging them to "please, just please consider taking just one shot of Brody, bro, please? Will a fiver do the trick?"

• 'HILLS' CO-STAR LANDS MTV SERIES [THR]

The jury appears to be out on Adrian Grenier's basket, however, as the elephantine mound on display suggests the star of Aquaman and Medellin either stuffed himself with one of Drama's gym socks, or opted to tie his firehose into a sailing knot before leaving the house for his All Hallow's Eve revelries.

• Happy Halloween. Now Let's Talk Penises. [Pretty on the Outside]