Ah, sad. The talented-ish Eric Roberts has stooped to doing the second season of the Starz Channel's awful series Crash. Based on the awful movie, the awful series features the awful Dennis Hopper as an awful man. The series also stars the awfully unfortunate Julie Warner, who was supposed to be an awful big star an awfully long time ago. [Variety]

Oh, fun. Amy Poehler has been tapped to star in Lunch Lady, a movie based on an upcoming series of graphic novels about a lunch lady who's a secret superhero. Sounds just about perfect for the crazed, whimsical Ms. Poehler. [THR]

Renee Zellweger has left CAA for the newly-formed superagency William Morris Endeavor. She's hoping for more Chicago and less New In Town. So are we. [Variety]

After a brief stumble, Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show ratings are back on top. So, that's over. [THR]

Michael Cunningham, the Pulitzer-winning author of The Hours, has just had a screenplay optioned. No, it's not some sweeping ladydrama. It's a horror movie about a newly-hot high school girl and her murderous, obsessive English teacher. Cunningham told reporters "While I was writing about Virginia Wolff, my mind was never far removed from the idea of girls in bikinis being hacked up by guys wearing hockey masks, and I vowed that if I ever had a good idea, I would write one of these scary movies." Which is kind of fun! And kind of weird. [Variety]

Who cares? We do! Joy Behar, often the lone voice of reason on The View (Whoopi is just too apathetic to be reasonable), will host her own primetime talk show on HLN (used to be Headline News) starting this fall. So you'll get her five days a week in the morning on The Clambake, and then seven days a week at night on The Joy Behar Show. The only way you could get more Joy Behar in your life is if she moved into your spare room. Would you like Joy Behar to move into your spare room? Because it's not out of the question. [THR]

The once-rising Brittany Murphy has joined the cast of Something Wicked, a thriller currently being shot in Oregon. She'll costar alongside John Robinson and Shantel VanSanten. Yes, the Shantel VanSanten. [THR]

Image via Getty

The busy David O. Russell has signed on to direct the annoyingly-titled Aaron and Sarah, a sort of When Harry Met Sally... for the high school set. Kids meet as friends and, over four years, fall in love. Cue retro twee pop score, end with dancing. [Variety] The always-busy Ralph Fiennes might play Hades, god of the underworld, in the upcoming Clash of the Titans. Liam Neeson is scheduled to play Zeus. Why they would want to remake an amazing classic is beyond me, but I suppose that's acceptable casting. [Variety]

Botox spokeswoman Virginia Madsen will be producing a documentary called Defying Gravity, about lonely gay kids on Long Island who are really into Wicked. Actually, it's about women ski-jumpers fighting to be able to participate in the 2010 Olympics. So far, women have been banned from competing in the sport, making it the only Olympic event that is exclusive for men. [Variety] Meanwhile her costar in The Haunting Two Towns Over from Hartford, You Know, Where the Kohl's Is, Kyle Gallner, will play the lead in A Nightmare On Elm Street. Elm Street is famously where the International Ski Jumping Association headquarters are located, and the movie tells the story of men frightened of lady ski jumpers. [Variety]

Well fuck me. HBO has renewed Danny McBride, Jody Hill, and Ben Best's Eastbound and Down for a second season. Production is scheduled to start in the fall so I guess we'd get the new episodes sometime about a year from now. It's unclear whether the show, and lead character Kenny Powers, will return to the North Carolina setting of the first season, or if it'll head out on the road. No matter what, this is good news. [Variety] In the land of shitty TV, The Bachelorette will return as a mainstay of ABC's summer programming next month. But that's not all the good news! Each episode of the show will now be two hours long. [Variety]

Out-to-lunch Brittany Murphy has joined the cast of out-to-lunch-sounding action movie The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone's paean to action stars of yesteryear. Mostly like, himself. And Arnie Schwarzenegger. And, heh, Dolph Lundgren. Presumably she'll play a tough, smart, independent woman who has a great career, a nice condo by the marina, and doesn't need a man to rescue her. [THR] Actor who is everywhere Xander Berkeley has been cast in two different new series. He'll play a regular on ABC's Day One, which, judging by the title, is about vitamins, and he'll be a recurring character on Shonda Rhimes' (Grey's Anatomy) new series Inside the Box, which is also a medical drama, this one set in the world of gynecology. [THR]

Ferguson inquired about her drinking habits (see clip at left), as did a tipster of ours, who thought Murphy was "acting quite drunk."

But the 8 Mile and Sin City actress told Ferguson she avoided alcohol. Luckily for her, there's a plausible alternate explanation for her speech: Her mother Sharon, who raised her as a single mom, was of Irish descent. To Murphy's American ears, Ferguson's Scottish accent might have sounded similar enough to her mother's to trigger any inflected speech patterns she used growing up.

As for the loopiness, it could just be nerves. Either way, Ferguson wasn't about to bring Murphy back after the commercial break. Sitting as close as he did to the actress, he may be the only one who ever knows what actually happened.

Torrance Shipman, Bring It On: For every sweet as sugar Valley Girl like the original film's Julie Richman, there is the head cheerleader. Torr, her sidekicks, and her priorities dipped into the shallowest end of the San Fernando pool of prissy dumb blondes (with hearts of gold! In the end, of course!) Classic Quote: "I am only cheerleading."

Romy And Michele, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion: A rare glimpse into the lives of the post-grad working life of the VG, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino actually made anyone unfamiliar with the Valley kind of want to live there, where folding sweaters defined the girls' perfection of living by that old mantra: ignorance is bliss. Classic Quote: "You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny."

Stacy Hamilton, Fast Times At Ridgemont High: For every Torrance, there is a Stacy Hamilton: that shy, naive non-looker with the way hotter friend, who falls for the short, pale, and not handsome bad boy because he smokes cigarettes and dresses in all black. Classic Quote: "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?"

Tai, Clueless: Most people instantly envision Cher as a classic VG, but the contemporary Emma lived in Beverly Hills. And sure, Tai does hail from the scary land of Manhattan where "coke" means cocaine, not Coca-Cola. But by the climax of the flick, Tai represents everything VGs stand for: short skirts, make-up, gold jewelry and boyfriend-stealing. Classic Quote: "You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?"

Buffy Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Oh, Buff. The yellow cheerleading outfit. The gum. The bleached hair. The mini-skirts with polka dots used to attract football players. The like, icky gross feeling you get around dudes with British accents who are old and stuff. Our favorite, by a landslide. Classic Quote: "Right, I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping."

• MGM DEVELOPS MUSICAL 'VALLEY GIRL' [THR]

[The original] Tinker Bell was a disaster. The story didn’t work, too many fart jokes and lesbian innuendoes. The CGI was subpar. Most importantly, Tinker Bell herself. The animation and Brit’s vocal work lacked the magic Lasseter expected with this iconic Disney character.

Then, Lasseter himself flushed everything regarding Tinker Bell, $120 million, down the toilet. And Tinker Bell went dark. [...]

[On May 29th,] Disney sent out the below press release, announcing that the new NEW voice of Tinker Bell would be…. Mae Whitman! The 19 year old actress, best known for her voice work on Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Jungle Book 2, Johnny Bravo and Superman. She was also the President’s daughter in Independence Day.

Lest you worry about where that leaves Murphy, the actress will continue to breathe new vocal life weekly into King of the Hill's sexually overstimulated Luanna Platter, while reprising her efforts as Shellie the Abused Barmaid in Sin City 2. Still, after all the multicolored fanfare, we feel somewhat robbed of a Murphy-interpreted Tinker Bell, forever nodding off in some Neverland knothole between bouts of involuntary flatulism and hot faerie-on-faerie action.

• John Lasseter, Disney, Fires Brittany Murphy. Mae Whitman is the new voice of Tinker Bell! [hollywood-newsroom.com]

· Following through on its threats to abandon the traditional TV development system, NBC picks up Kath & Kim* straight to series with a six episode order, bypassing the wasteful, "let's see if this actually works when we try and shoot it" pilot phase. (*In fairness, this is a Pre-Proven Foreign Hit, so domestic success is virtually guaranteed.) [Variety]
· Brittany Murphy CareerWatch: the actress signs on for the indie Across the Hall, and is considering a chance to replace thrice-rehabbed insurance nightmare Lindsay Lohan in the troubled Poor Things. [THR]
· Casey Affleck is cast in the yet-to-be-scripted adaptation of Tom Epperson's period noir drama The Kind One, in which he'll play the most adorable (pinch his cheeks! Jump on his face!) amnesiac who makes the mistake of falling in love with a sadistic killer's girlfriend Hollywood has ever seen. [Variety]

A source who used to work for the perky star says she talks darkly of "a high-powered Hollywood player" who is allegedly stalking her.

And when her then-boyfriend, Simon Monjack, disappeared for 10 days in April, Murphy claimed he had been kidnapped by agents of this mysterious figure, says the source.

"When he came back, he had head injuries," says the former insider. "He was pale and sometimes had trouble standing."

Not only that, but the former staffer also claims Murphy said she was unable to pay him because the money had been used for ransom.

However, the alleged kidnapping seems to exactly coincide with the dates reported by The National Enquirer that Monjack, a British citizen, was jailed by U.S. immigration authorities for overstaying his visa.

It's unclear what is meant by the claim that "agents" captured Monjack, but we'll assume the source doesn't mean to implicate members of Hollywood's ten-percenting class. We find it hard to imagine that even the poach-happy CAA would go through the high-risk/low-reward trouble of taking a hostage to convince the sporadically employed Murphy to leave her reps at ICM, as the kidnapping of significant others is a tactic strictly reserved for earners.

• Murphy stalking points [Gatecrasher]

The two "have amicably ended their engagement. They remain close friends and wish each other much happiness," a rep for Murphy tells PEOPLE.

Last Sunday, Murphy showed up at the Teen Choice Awards without her engagement ring. Asked about her wedding plans in the press room, the actress became evasive before saying, "Everything is going wonderful, thank you. I'm just living every moment, you know, enjoying my day."

The couple's dissolution serves as a stinging reminder that intercredit marriage is still an unspoken taboo in Hollywood circles, with many clinging to their old-fashioned and backwards beliefs that above-the-title talent should never stray far from their own when looking for suitable companionship. Still, Murphy has never been one to play by society's rules, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. So don't count yourselves out just yet, future Murphy production crew members—perhaps there's a Disney computer animator out there who can translate some of that Tinker Bell CGI sparkle into real life romantic fireworks.

• Brittany Murphy, Fianc End Engagement [People]

The girl in the yellow shirt is from Australia, where we hear tight, yellow t-shirts bearing images of the Messiah are red-hot right now. Get yours before every celebutard at Kitson has one.

Would you mind undoing just one more shirt button for me, sweetheart? Daddy's hands are full of drinks.

A brief altercation broke out over who should've been awarded the gold medal in the party's Tightest White T-Shirt With Sharpie Scribbles On It event, but was ultimately settled when it was pointed out to the the gentleman on the right that his garment lacked the qualifying ink-work.

Believe it or not, these two guests are both in the same acting class—a fact which undermined the older man's pick-up line about being a very powerful Hollywood producer with the ability to make her a star. Also: She is not Katie Holmes. We checked.

L.A. Suite durector Marc Webb and a companion who may or may not be famous. We did not check.

This was not one of those occasions where hopping in the pool was considered especially cute, as the wet couple pictured was ejected by the nice men with the initimidating earpieces.

Yes, that really is Tia Carrere, whom you undoubtedly know from Wayne's World and, um...Wayne's World Begins?

Just after this photo was taken, three more blondes rushed into the frame to ensure that the proper blonde-to-brunette ratio was maintained, keeping the party in compliance with city ordinances.

Defamer PartyWatch Tip: Denim-covered male genitalia makes an excellent place to rest either your hands or your cold beer can!

Defamer PartyWatch Tip #2: Unexpectedly place your cold hand on the back of your companion right before a photographer snaps a picture for a split-second of fun!

Brittany Murphy wasn't at the party, but she was encountered on our photographer's trip back to her car, and was given just enough warning of the passing camera to have a publicist stage an impromptu autograph session for our benefit.

• Brittany Murphy is voice of Disney's Tinker Bell [Reuters]

Brittany told US based People magazine: "I just knew he was a nice guy - and devastatingly handsome. I asked him to go to the movies and dinner. It was the first time in my life that I ever asked someone on a date."

She added: "We made it to date 17 without kissing. It's a true, old-fashioned romance."

Murphy doesn't come off as such an old-timey prude when you realize that dates 1-16 probably consisted of her PA plaything delivering blended coffee drinks to her trailer, stubbornly refusing to realize that "I said soy frappuccino, you stupid set-monkey!" was actually a pretty transparent romantic overture. On Date 17, a shared moment at the craft services table in which Murphy subtly demonstrated the desired result of her flirtations with a hot dog and a glazed Krispy Kreme, he finally got the hint, and a beautiful relationship was born.

• Brittany Murphy's 17 date snog ban [BANG/Life Style Extra]
• Previously: Brittany Murphy Has Never Seen Cocaine [Defamer]

To our knowledge, we've never stated that Murphy either used heroin or had sexual relations at a Hollywood party, which would be illegal and tacky, respectively, but we apologize for any confusion on this count. Let the record stand corrected: Murphy's reps state unequivocally that she's not Jordache Junky, does not use heroin, and did not have sex at a bar mitzvah. (They meant "Hollywood bash," as per the Casablanca item, but we're uniters, not dividers.)

As to the dumper/dumpee situation, these things are almost intrinsically he-said/she-said affairs. Can anyone but the parties involved know the "true facts" about who threw the first piece of dinnerware, or who locked whom out of the house? (We're speaking metaphorically, of course, and not implying any actual damage to china and/or drama with deadbolts.) However, Team Murphy's position is clear and unwavering: the actress cut loose both her agency and management company. There you have it.

Also, while we're correcting the record, we have to admit that we really liked Uptown Girls, in which Murphy more than held her own with the hammy, scene-stealing Dakota Fanning.

A rep for Murphy, who has been helping her mother deal with cancer, said, "Brittany is making a transition in her representation and has parted ways amicably with Brillstein-Grey and ICM. Not the other way around. The blind item on E!online is not Brittany."

Having a publicist in her corner who's dedicated and savvy enough to play the mother's cancer card should help Murphy through the always-tricky transition (remember, her choice!) from Up-and-Coming Star With Big Time Reps to Unrepresented Tabloid Pariah. But we must subtract a flack point for responding to the blind item question. Again, tragically small-time. Even Andy Dick's people (assuming, of course, he has "people") wouldn't have touched that one.

UPDATE: Murphy's reps maintain that she was the one who fired ICM and Brillstein-Grey, not the other way around, and point out that Casablanca has stated that Murphy was not the subject of his blind item.

• NONE TOO BLIND [NY Post]
• Previously: Brittany Murphy Abandoned By Her People [Defamer]

Why the blue-chip firms set the 28-year-old actress adrift so suddenly—even though she was recently named the face of Jordache and has a number of projects in the works, including a Sin City sequel—remains unclear. According to a source close to Murphy, the skinny Uptown Girls starlet was kicked to the curb for unspecified “personal” reasons. [...]

Called for comment, a staffer at [former B-G manager Joanne] Colonna’s office confirmed that Murphy is no longer a client, saying only, “We wish her much love and success in her new endeavor.” Neither Berg nor Murphy’s sole remaining handler, BWR publicist Holly Shakoor, returned calls or e-mails by press time.

The Radar piece also makes a reference to Murphy's recent Blind Item Guessing Game win, but our official stance on the matter has long been that she's never even seen cocaine.

These "personal reasons" notwithstanding, our hearts go out to Murphy in this difficult time; having one's "people" reduced to a single flack is truly devastating. Telling that producer who corners you at a cocktail party with big ideas for Uptown Girls 2 to call your "person" makes an actress sound tragically small-time.

UPDATE: Murphy's reps state that she fired ICM and Brillstein-Grey, and Casablanca has stated that Murphy isn't the subject of the Jordache Junky blind item.

• Career, Interrupted [Radar Online]
• Brittany Murphy Has Never Seen Cocaine[Defamer]
• Inside VPage: Brittany Murphy Sees No Evil [Defamer]