Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

This past weekend, our beloved national trainwreck set off a storm of controversy down under when it suddenly dawned on fans at a concert that Britney was lip-syncing her songs; "miming" they call it. One critic on hand penned a review which featured disappointed fans storming out and suddenly, the old wounds of our great national Britney conversation were torn open.

The brouhaha has gone so far as to have Australian lawmakers calling for a new law which would require performers to state on their tickets that concert goers risk exposure to non-singing. China apparently passed such a "Name and Shame" law after controversy related to the Olympic opening ceremonies.

Over the past few days, however, her US supporters have raced to the embattled star's defense. Singer John Mayer twittered astutely, "If you're shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you."

And on Britney's own website, fans are leaving words of support by the thousands, registering their sentiment that Britney lip-syncing a concert is just fine by them.

So now we think it's time to turn the tables back on our little friends from the Southern Hemisphere whom have made our standard bearer feel so icky over something that we all told her was just fine. A few questions for Mr. and Mrs. Australia before the lynch mob does something that we assure them, they will live to regret:

• Do you really think there is anything real about the Britney experience in the first place that can be captured in a live concert?

• Are you prepared for the consequences if she tries to sing and dance at the same time and something terrible happens? Do you really want that on your head Australia?

• How do you know that it wasn't just a robot in the first place?

• Do you really think we'd risk letting the actual Britney travel to foreign countries with bizarre snack foods and measurement systems?

• If a robot sings live, and you feel that experience was "authentic" than who is the robot and who is the human being?

Its easy for a little nation to throw stones at the giants of world culture, but beware, those fingers wrapped around that rock end up pointing right back at you.

Our story begins behind a fence. You see, pop stars have to build up walls, to keep out the world — fame is a cage, really. These three hardened, sharpened points represent the past, present, and the future.

You may think this statue means the car has arrived at a polo club. But the horse is a symbol of the yearning to be free. Native Americans equated horses with spirit winds and messengers. Horses also stand for strength and hard work. Hello? Britney works hard for the money, so you better treat her right!

Product placement.

Our heroine emerges. No one greets her.

The choice to shoot Britney framed by the crotch of a horse is to remind us that she is a mere human, a small person on a large planet; fragile. Also: Thin, now.

Product placement.

Our heroine has magically changed clothes. She descends a staircase — goes down the rabbit hole, if you will, deep into her subconscious. There's a light on. And a package with some balls. You do the math.

She peeks around the corner.

A man is finishing getting dressed, which means we — er — she just missed him bare-chested. Damn.

Like many men who exist only in one's subconscious, he remains faceless. Also, there are no razors in the subconscious.

Suddenly, the man is astride a muscular steed, brandishing a polo mallet. Note the number 3 — the most mystical number. Three is the first odd prime number, and there are three types of molecular bonds. There were three witches in Macbeth; Adolf Hitler's Empire was the 3rd Reich; shamrocks have three leaves; three little bears, three billy goats gruff, you always get three wishes and there's a Christian Holy Trinity. Britney Spears is only female artist in music history to have her first three albums debut at number one. She married her first husband, Jason Alexander, on January 3. She got engaged to Kevin Federline three months after they met. The book Britney wrote with her mom, Britney Spears's Heart to Heart, was printed by Three Rivers Press.

Shakespeare often made puns about riding — meaning sex. Some believe that when a young woman gets really into horseback riding, she is channeling her sexual urges.

In any case, Britney has changed her ensemble again, so she can watch the action. Note how she wears all black, to signify how deep and dark she is; the white room reminds you: None of this is really happening.

She looks out on the cold, isolated landscape to find her Faceless Man; and the sexy freedom of him straddling a horse. Somehow you can tell that she thinks he holds all the answers, all the keys to the mysteries she can't solve.

But he's just playing with his balls.

It's disappointing, to say the least. This is her subconscious fantasy, dammit!

Product placement.

Product placement. And proof of empty uterus: At least she didn't have unprotected sex with the guy. Also: Thin!

…And: Scene.

Page Six reports that Barton's publicist can't even get his gonzo client on the cover of any of the tabloid magazines. What, did OK! have the first pictures of Paz Vega's baby instead?

"As sad as Mischa's recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares," said the editor

Is that because after the head-shaving, chopper-chasing, ambulance-cramming awesomeness of Britney going bonkers, everything pales in comparison? These are just a handful of the covers that were coming out on a weekly basis in 2007 during Britney's spectacular fall from grace. Just a year later, Heather Locklear barely got any when she started acting nuts.

Running concurrently with Britney during the summer of tabloid gold, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI more than once and was in and out of rehab. She even managed to score the cover of the New York Post and the Daily News on the same day!

Or is it, sadly, that neither of these women are famous enough for their mental condition to warrant our concern? It's probably a combination of that and the lack of a really sensational story, like Anne Heche wandering into people's houses in her underwear babbling about spaceships (remember that?!). See, Mischa, you just didn't go crazy enough.

Regardless of the reason, it looks like Barton is going to have to get on the cover of a tabloid the old fashioned way. You know, by being a good actress, getting knocked up, or having her husband leave her and their eight children to chase floozies around Southhampton with Michael Lohan.

Reports The Envelope:

After a call to police last night from her home, she's been placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold (also known as a 5150) by the Los Angeles Police Department and is currently at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, reports Access Hollywood.

Barton was put under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code by police and transported to Cedars-Sinai. This code gives authorities the power to hold a person if he or she is gravely disabled or suffers from a mental disorder.

The Homecoming, the trailer to which she posted to her blog recently, was supposed to be her big comeback. So much for that.

Mischa Barton Pulls a Britney, Is Placed in Involuntary Psychiatric Hold [The Envelope]

Ok!
"Obsessed With Each Other."
He's is in New York shooting Remember Me and she's is in L.A. shooting The Runaways, but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are constantly calling and texting each other. Rob invited Kristen and new BFF Dakota Fanning to come and hang out with him in NY one weekend — his treat. An insider says of Kristen's boyfriend Michael Angarano: "While Dakota likes Michael, and he's really sweet to her, she's on Team Rob." Yet! Michael isn't ready to give up on Kristen — he is "re-romancing" her and wrote her a song, which he played to her on his guitar. Lastly: Has Britney met Mr. Right? Her agent, Jason Trawick is "fiercely protective" of her, but another insider says Jason only hangs around Brit because he's protecting his investment. "Britney's dad pays him a lot of money," says a source.
Grade: F (cigarette burn)

Life & Style
"It's Official! Yes, We're Dating."
Interesting cover line, since at no point in this magazine does either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart say that they are dating. In fact, there's anecdote about Rob hanging out and going back to his hotel with Emilie de Ravin. (She's in Remember Me, so they're probably staying at the same hotel, but whatever.) Moving on: Katie Holmes is "pushing Tom aside" by focusing on her dancing. "Dancing for her is about independence," an insider says. "She needs to keep life interesting." Miley Cyrus has dumped Justin Gaston for Nick Jonas, who is a better choice because he wears clothes (Fig. 1). Denise Richards tells the mag "Why I Had Three Boob Jobs." She went from an A cup to a C to a double D and now down to a B — her first surgery was in 1991 when she was only 19. She says, "I wish I'd waited. I wish I hadn't done it. There are so many things that enhance your chest these days without surgery." She talks about scar tissue and implant hardness and says she doesn't like to be put under — well why would you have elective surgery? Anyway she still has implants, they're just smaller, and "fit her body." You know what else would fit her body? The ones she was meant to have. Next: Kate of Jon & Kate fame is caught on camera hitting (spanking) her daughter. Horrors! Kate says (through a Bravo rep): "Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first… I love my children, and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation." Also inside: Gisele is three months pregnant. Oh, look: A picture of Megan Fox before she was famous (Fig. 2). Kristin Cavallari admits that The Hills is pretty fake: "When the cameras are rolling, its fun to play it up," she says: "I'm having a good time playing the part — but I really do think of myself as a good person." This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook (Fig. 3), it's "Whose Nose Fits Her Face Best?" Kate Hudson's nose "would look cuter" with Carrie Underwood's tip. Fergie's nose "could use some slimming." The funny thing is that both of these ladies probably already had work done, right? Lastly: Don't miss the "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed" pages, in which "flaws" include "pear-shaped," "tall," and "athletic."
Grade: D (punching in stomach)

In Touch
"Caught Hitting Her Daughter."
Exclusive photos! Kate Gosselin smacked her kid on the bottom. She was on the phone and Leah was blowing her whistle and Kate told her to stop — Kate said "Did you hear me?" stormed over, grabbed the kid and then "hit" her. Then "Leah grabbed her bottom in pain." Then there's a sidebar pictures illustrating how Kate is always distracted by her phone. "Kate might be too selfish to take care of all these kids," says a child psychiatrist who does not treat anyone involved. The mag talks to someone from Project No Spank, and you guess what they think. Next: A six-page story titled "Bad Plastic Surgery — Fixed?" Britney Spears had her implants too soon and regretted it! Jessica Simpson used "that Restylane stuff" and her lips were too big! Heather Locklear was puffy; Madonna's cheek implants gave her a "sucking on a lemon" look. (Fig. 4). In Brangelinaston news, Brad Pitt went to Jennifer Aniston's house because he has a "passion for architecture" and wanted to check it out. Jen "may have had ulterior motives," though, because when Brad showed up, Jen emailed a friend saying, "He's here! Wish me luck!" Jen showed Brad around and "babbled nonstop" about the windows and details. "Sensing she was nervous, Brad touched her shoulder and said warmly, 'This place is fantastic.'" Then they chatted about "everything and nothing." According to the mag, "She told him that she missed him, and he told her that they'll make up for all the time they've lost over the last few years." WAIT, WHAT? LOL. He also told her he loved her, but "said it like friend." "But it still made Jen's stomach drop." Moving on: LeAnn Rimes has told her husband that she's ready to file for divorce. Katie Holmes "Can't Get Out Of Her Style Rut," (Fig. 5). A therapist named Dr. Wanis, who does not treat Katie, says: "When a woman dresses down, she isn't feeling good about herself. There has to be something missing in her life." Hear that? If you're wearing jeans and a knit hat, your life is incomplete!
Grade: D+ (slapping face)

Us
"The Hills Made Me Bulimic."
This is a tragic tale of how Stephanie Pratt started bingeing and purging once she was on the show. She says: "I thought, the camera adds ten pounds, I need to lose ten pounds… I became obsessed with spray-tanning because I thought being tan made you look thinner… I would wake up in a good mood, and I would try to eat thin —" this involved eating balsamic vinegar and drinking water with cayenne pepper — "and then I would read some blog." The blogs called her She-Pratt and said she needed to quit the show and go to the gym. Right before The Hills crew would show up, she would eat a pizza, then a grilled cheese and french fries, "I would be sitting in my room stuffing it down, not even tasting it," she says. "And then I'd go and throw up and I'd let them in while I was brushing my teeth. It was the only thing that felt good." She says having pool parties on the show made her self-conscious. "I think it's better to be called too skinny than too fat," she says. "I think fat is one of the most hurtful things you can call a girl." Moving on: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick sleep in the same hotel room when traveling — Jason checks into another room but then sneaks in. Oh, look, Megan Fox's "Crazy Quotes" (Fig. 6). Where have we seen that before? Lastly: Pink and Carey Hart plan on renewing their vows later this year, aww.
Grade: C (spanking bottom)

Star
"Britney Getting Married!"
Britney and Jason were in the Bahamas (with Brit's dad and kids) and Brit and Jason "shared a special night." Jason told Britney that he thought she was The One, and she said she felt the same! Then he popped the question. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne. The mag claims Brit was excited because it's the first time a guy has proposed to her (her other two marriages she instigated.) As a souvenir, Britney kept the champagne bottle — and took a self-portrait photo, so she could always remember just how she felt at that moment. No engagement ring has been picked out, though Jason did buy Brit a quartz ring from the Atlantis gift shop. Brit told him she doesn't care about getting a ring, "she just wants to be his wife." The mag prints wedding plans: Brit is thinking about a December date and wants an old-fashioned Southern wedding in Louisiana. Jamie-Lynn would be the maid of honor and her sons would be ring-bearers. Britney's dad will make Jason sign an air-tight pre-nup, etc. The honeymoon will be in Costa Rica, where Jason and Brit first started falling for each other, and they can use Brit's friend Mel Gibson's house! Moving on: Saved By The Bell 2.0, is kind of a funny sidebar (Fig. 7). Ashlee Simpson was overheard telling a friend that she wouldn't let Bronx get plastic surgery until he's at least 18. "And she said she'd never even tell him about her own, unless he asked directly." Blind item! "Which world-famous hottie will only hook up with women who don't know who he is? At a recent bash, one babe played along, only to be dismissed when she let his real name slip." Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson were spotted in a bar in NYC and "definitely looked like a couple." Neil Patrick Harris and partner David Burtka are in the process of selecting a surrogate mother to carry their baby, and of course, they are using the same agency Sarah Jessica Parker is using! They'll be using Neil's sperm, FYI. Barack Obama has decided to stop coloring his hair. An insider says: "Barack will probably be totally gray by the end of his first term… He thinks it makes him look more distinguished." Kate Gosselin was caught kissing her bodyguard, Steve Neild, by her daughter Mady. While on vacation, Kate thought the kids were asleep, and she and Steve were talking in her bedroom. Mady came to the door and saw them "share a quick, gentle kiss." Mady started crying and ran to tell her sister, Cara. According to the mag, "It was far too much for a child of 8 to process." Next is the Real Houswives Of New Jersey bombshell: Danielle Staub sex tape! She dumped Steve Zalewski in an episode on June 9, and Steve says: "Not only does she want to have sex all the time, but she loves the thrill of doing it in public places where she might get caught. She wanted to make love in restaurant bathrooms basically every time we went out…" One night, Danielle and Steve were in a parking lot next a church. Steve says: "We were making love on the hood of our car, and someone inside the convent started flashing a light on and off from the window and rattling the blinds. Danielle thought it was hilarious and wanted to keep going, but I insisted we split." There are a "couple of videos" of the two performing "a sex act" and playing with sex toys. Steve is weighing his options regarding selling these. "She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?" And! Steve says Danielle's ultimate goal is to pose for Playboy, but "She'll probably have to get her boob job touched up first."
Grade: C+ (sent to bed without dinner)

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Fig. 7

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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Ok!
"Idol Wars."
This incredibly boring story about how maybe Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul may not get along contains the following quote: "During breaks, Simon, Randy and Paula would leave the table to talk to the crowd or get food, leaving Kara to swivel in her chair," an onlooker tells Ok!. "Kara was the odd man out." Sniff! Moving on: If you looove Robert Pattinson, there are some pictures of him inside. Also inside: Neighbors overheard Lindsay Lohan in her house, yelling: "Mom, stop it! Enough! Quit it!" Apparently Dina was trying to get Lindsay to go to rehab. Next: Since Brad Pitt drives his kids to school now, moms on Long Island are getting dressed up! "They usually wear sweatpants, but now they're all decked out," a source says. Lastly, Marie Osmond says: "I'm the original Octomom!"
Grade: F (fire ants)

Life & Style
"Twilight Heartbreak."
The mag claims that Robert Pattinson has been hooking up with costar Nikki Reed. A source says: "Rob's been flirting with everyone on set, in front of Nikki, even though they've been sleeping together." But! "He can get any girl on set except Kristen [Stewart]." Anyway, Rob and Nikki have been fighting on set and OMG DRAMZ. Oh, look, a "poor Jennifer Aniston" story! This one is called "Jen's Struggle With Aging" and says: "She's having a problem with the fact that her character [in The Baster] who is trying to pregnant ages from 40 to 48 in the movie. 'She keeps saying it's not believable because she looks much younger,' says the insider. 'She asked the make-up artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any.'" Sad! Nadya Suleman says "I only slept 2 hours last night," and a doctor who does not treat her says, "Most people need between six and eight hours of sleep in some form." Really? You don't say! The Kardashians have a "dream house" now because their other house was too small or something. "The other house just felt so crowded," Kendall Kardashian says. The new mansion has six bedrooms and eight baths. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Butt In Hollywood." [Fig. 1] The doctor says, "Most people would need a surgical solution like butt implants to achieve Beyoncé's look." Also, Mischa Barton would look better with AnnaLynne McCord's ass. There's an interview with Gwyneth and Madonna's trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: "Anyone can have a teeny-tiny body." She may feel this way because she is five feet tall and 91 lbs. What if you are six feet or have different genetics, hmm?
Grade: D- (bed bugs)

In Touch
"How We Keep Our Love Alive."
There's nothing new in this cover story — lots of stuff about Barack and Michelle's exes, and the quotes come from Ladies Home Journal, O: The Oprah Magazine and Essence. But one awesome thing is this prom picture of Michelle [Fig 2]. Moving on: The mag uses a quote from Scarlett Johansson's Huffington Post rant against how tabloids comment on her weight as a diet tip. Breaking: Brad and Angelina haven't been seen together in 48 days! Uh-oh, Britney's man, backup dancer Chase Benz, has a girlfriend. Chase's mom talked to the mag from her home in Tennessee, saying: "He has a girlfriend that lives here in Tennessee. They've been dating for three years. She is 21 like Chase. And she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside… Britney is a pretty girl but his girlfriend has nothing to worry about." Guess who is getting half of Mel Gibson's $900 million estate? His wife! There's no pre-nup… A story called "It's Baby Time!" claims that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might adopt and Heidi Klum is four months pregnant. Next up: When Lindsay Lohan was out partying recently, she asked her friends to call her "Eleanor." But she denies this. Lisa Rinna on posing for Playboy at 45: "I hope it inspires women to feel good about themselves in their 40s, that you can still be viable and sexy." Another "Poor Jen" story! Ms. Aniston had "several secret meetings" with Gerard Butler because they're planning to star in a movie together. But Gerard is a "fame-seeker," and a "player" who "won't commit" so Jen is "picking the wrong man again." Jen's been calling her friends and crying, saying she can't stand to be alone. The mag helpfully points out that even though Jen ranked above Angelina on a list of celebrity salaries, "money can't buy love." Feel like stalking? Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Isla Fisher, Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba all take their kids to "Hollywood's Hottest Playground," which is Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. WOO HOO: Fourteen months after separating, Pink and Carey Hart are getting married again! A friend says they want to have a ceremony at their house in Malibu on the beach at sunset. Awww.
Grade: D+ (fleas)

Us
"Inside The $900 Million Split."
Mel Gibson has been cheating on his wife with a Russian musician named Oksana, who is on his music label. He also shot one of her videos. This story is illustrated with a picture of Mel kissing Oksana on a beach in Costa Rica. Moving on: Lindsay emailed Us and said: "These accusations of me being crazy are not only inadequate but absurd." The mag says she was out partying with her mom and drank 7 cocktails in less than 2 hours and couldn't even stand up; she counters: "I don't drink for quite some time now." As for the cutting, she says: "Hahaha… I'm not a cutter." She also defended her mother clubbing with her: "My mother is amazing and she came here to be here for me." Next: The mag claims that when Rihanna saw pictures of Chris Brown with a new ladyfriend, she sent him a text message, and he replied, "It's none of your business." An article called "Meet Bo Obama!" has a quote from a trainer who worked with Bo: "I have worked with a lot of dogs, and Bo is incredibly bright and sensitive. He has an excellent memory. He'd pick up a stick on a walk, drop it, then on the way back he would use his nose and go right to the same stick, which I found amazing." Lastly, in a story called "Palin Family Feud," the mag talks to Bristol's hairdresser and "friend" LaVancha Lankford, who says: "Bristol was shocked [that Levi's sister spoke to a tabloid]." A source claims that Levi Johnston has hooked up with a girl named Khori Elder, who has her lip pierced, and whose Facebook profile says "every girl needs a man to make her weak." This magazine also had a pull-out poster of Britney's Candie's ad in it, which we plan to hang in our non-existent locker.
Grade: C- (ticks)

Star
"Angelina Pregnant Again!"
A "family insider" says "Yes, Angie is pregnant. They've been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately it just doesn't seem possible." Another source says "It happened just in time because things were getting ugly between them." Wanna know all about the moment she told Brad? "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby. Brad was shocked at first, I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both." Anyway this baby has put an end the the feuding and even though she's only two and a half months along, they're trying to decide where the kid will be born. Brad wants New Orleans. And! Angelina is craving Twinkies, just so you know. Next: Rupert Everett has done something to his face. [Fig. 3]. A doctor who does not treat him says: "I think Rupert had a face lift. His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother." Oh, and a chin implant. The forehead? Botox. Pink and Carey Hart have agreed never to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks. Make it work! Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr went out to dinner with Ed's parents when they visited from England. Is Fergie losing her hair [Fig. 4]? Blind item: "Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy 'model parties' have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can't stop being host to starlets." Twilight gossip: "Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are competing for Rob's attention," says a source. Apparently they both like him and are "headed for a major showdown." Robert Pattinson has been visiting both of their hotel rooms. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are totes back together and the mag has pictures of them dancing closely, embracing each other in the Caribbean. Here's a great quote from a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Kevin misses Britney and her intrigue. She's the only woman who keeps his mind in suspense and constant turmoil. And Kevin misses the everyday fun of it." Miley Cyrus has a "secret brother" whom she never sees. His name is Christopher Cyrus, he's 17, and he lives with his mom and stepdad in Texas. Apparently Billy Ray fathered this kid right before Miley; they're less than 8 months apart. Levi Johnston' sister Mercede spoke to star again, saying, "My dad is determined to get 50/50 custody of Tripp for Levi. He's going to fight for it."
Grade: C (mosquitoes)

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Below, we hunt for actual gossip in the pages of OK!, Life & Style, Us, In Touch, and Star



Ok!
Some people on The Biggest Loser weigh less than they used to. Here's their secret: exercise and eat healthier food. In other news, Kevin Federline told Britney Spears that he will take their kids off her tour if she doesn't stop her wild ways. She's been clubbing with her back up dancers, and the mag says her shouting "Merry Christmas" during a March 24 concert and wearing a blonde wig is evidence that she's "increasingly erratic." A source says Kevin, "didn't sign up to be the babysitter so she could party." Next up, in a two page interview with Brittany Murphy about her dog, the mag prints this sentence: "You would think that, since she's been married for almost two years, owning a cute puppy would point to one thing on Brittany Murphy's to-do list: babies!" In Lindsay Lohan news, a mutual friend says she and Samantha Ronson were cheating on each other. "Sam's 100 percent cheated. [sic] But Lindsay hasn't exactly been faithful herself," says the pal. "She would make out with a tree if it called her beautiful." The mag redeems this F of an issue with a Kathy Griffin bikini shoot. As you'll recall Kathy was recently pictured in her bathing suit with Paris Hilton. "A lot more guys were looking at me than Paris," says Kathy. "Granted, they were gay, but they were checking out my hot ass!" She calls out new Hollywood moms who parade their post-baby bodies in a bikini, saying, "Most American women don't lose weight after they have kids, but according to Hollywood you do! It's like a diet!" and shares her thoughts on other star's swimsuit looks. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F+ (Finding brown jelly beans)

Life & Style
In an 8-page interview, Nadya Suleman claims once again that she's never been on food stamps, says now she's going to "wait until the kids get much older to go back and finish getting my master's degree," and insists, "if I were married, I'd still be judged, but not this harshly." She denies that she used to be a stripper and says the only plastic surgery she's had is a breast reduction. The cover claims she talks about the octuplets' father and having more kids, but she just says she won't give any more information on the dad and when the mag asks if she'd consider adoption, she replies, "I don't know." Moving on: Angelina and Brad are fighting over what religion the kids should be raised with. Angelina once said she would teach her kids about all faiths and let them pick, but Brad wants the kids raised Baptist like he was. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says an insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his own children to the same influence." Rosalie Hale of Twilight spent the night at co-star Robert Pattinson's place after a party. There are pictures of Pete Wentz partying with scantily clad women at the Palms Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. He was "dancing with a girl, then he was being wheeled around in a wheel chair and playing slip-and-slide with KY lubricant." Wife Ashlee Simpson was not present, but it turns out the whole scene was being filmed by the hotel for promotional footage. According to Dr. Rey's Casebook, post-nose job "Megan [Fox]'s sniffer complements her face" but "Sarah Jessica [Parker]'s could use some straightening." He also claims Claire Danes would look better with Hayden Panettiere's nose, but we beg to differ. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Rotten Easter egg)

Us
This is either the best or worst mag of the week, depending on how much you care about Lindsay Lohan. The only notable story is an interview with Lindsay, in which she tells her side of her breakup with Samantha Ronson in excruciating detail. Basically, she says that the Ronson family conspired to ruin her relationship and the Charlotte Ronson party was a set up. A friend lured her there by saying Sam wanted to talk to her and when she got there Sam was crying the bathroom. Ronson's mom started yelling at Lindsay, and the other party guests turned on Lindsay. "Nicole Richie walks by and goes, 'Uck.' and I don't know what I've ever done to her," she says. Linds says she didn't write the updates on her Twitter. Someone at the party knew her password and hacked into her account. It seems the mag isn't buying Lindsay's story, as the article is peppered with contradicting quotes from anonymous sources. "Lindsay's state has just devolved completely. She has no grip on reality and feels the world is against her," says a friend. "She should be institutionalized at this point."
Grade: D (Melted chocolate bunny)

In Touch
"Now It's War" Brad put his foot down when Angelina suggested they adopt another child from Ethiopia, and now she's furious. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission," says a friend. Angie pointed out that she adopted Maddox, Zahara, and Pax as a single mom, so she really doesn't need Brad to adopt. Though a friend says, "if it comes down to choosing more kids or keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids," she doesn't seem that into the six she has. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says. "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try and learn to do it themselves." Next: "Are the Hills stars pressured to have surgery?" The mag speculates that in addition to Heidi Montag (who has admitted to going under the knife), Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo may have had facial plastic surgery. (Fig. 3) Cameron Diaz has been fighting with boyfriend Paul Sculfor, and the mag claims it's making her lose weight. "She's been pining for Paul and lost her appetite," explains a friend. Now that Paul is in England for work, "She doesn't have him to cook for anymore." Here's a new theory from on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up: he's kind of gay. (Fig. 4) Katie Holmes "has decided to give [Tom Cruise] as many babies as he wants and not wait" because "she believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true," says a friend. In a recent interview Tom said he wants 10 kids so the mag figures Katie has seven babies to go. In "Ed's Gone From Hunky To Chunky" we learn that Ed Westwick has put on an estimated 10 pounds. His Gossip Girl castmates have been making fun of him, costumers had to buy him bigger clothes, and they asked the producers to tell him "they don't want Chuck to be fat."
Grade: D+ (White stuff on your chocolate)

Star
"Caught in Bed" Britney Spears has been hooking up with Kevin Federline on tour. "It's like they're newlyweds all over again," says a family insider. K-Fed's girlfriend, Victoria Prince, "caught" them when she called Kevin's cell phone at 2 a.m. and heard Britney giggling and talking in the background. Brit's annoyed that Kev answered the phone so she's been flirting with backup dancer Chase Benz to make him jealous. As for Kevin, he "now says Victoria is more a friend with benefits than a girlfriend. Since she caught him with Britney, he's not even hiding their flings from her anymore," says a source. In wedding news, the mag claims Seth Rogen is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Lauren Miller this summer, while Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman may get married this fall. They've only been together since October, but they are planning to have a "trial marriage" (the mag's term for living together) when they relocate to New York City this summer. There's a room in J.Lo's mansion devoted entirely to her expensive wigs. Levi Johnston's sister, Mercede, talked to Star about the Palin family. "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash,'" she says. Blind item: "Which reality starlet can't choose between her jealous boyfriend and her ex? Not only was her costar her first beau, but he was also her first lover! the fashionista is still obsessed." Clive Owen says when he visited his daughter Hannah, 12, at school, she introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." Clive complains, "She tells me, 'Dad...I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." Next: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been fighting so they've turned to Scientologist marriage counseling. But, since Tom is an Operating Thetan, they're only advising that Katie needs to change to please Tom, who outranks her. Moving on: A New Jersey businessman has filed divorce papers claiming that, Ann C. Kelly, his wife of 17 years, "committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen ...at various times and places too numerous to mention." Kelly says they're just friends but people in the area have said for years that they are having an affair. Finally, in the sidebar "Arms Disgrace" the mag writes: "Kudos to Khloe [Kardashian] for resisting Hollywood's pressure to be pin thin ..." then goes on to say she needs to get rid of her "saggy" upper arms. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (Stale Peeps)

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If you want the truth ... you probably shouldn't check out In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. But nevertheless, we continue our weekly quest for real gossip below.



Ok!
WEDDING NEWS! For years, Angelina Jolie has taken on the bulk of the responsibility with the kids, but now that she's been spending so much time away from home taking on humanitarian and film projects, Brad Pitt feels like he's a single dad. "He wants to get married before they have any more babies - and that mean getting pregnant or adopting," says a source. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a friend adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." In other fake news, Jennifer Aniston wants to adopt a baby girl because she loves the relationship Courteney Cox has with her daughter Coco and breaking up with John Mayer has "sidelined the idea of getting pregnant." Lastly, Britney's fighting to win Kevin back. Though she kissed an unnamed dancer during a dinner with members of her tour and then spent nine minutes in the bathroom with him while her bodyguards blocked the door, she's only hooking up with the dancer to make Kevin jealous. "If she wants Kevin back, she better move fast," says a Federline source. "Kevin's track record is to get every girl he falls for pregnant, and he wastes no time."
Grade: F (Favorite show gets cancelled)

Us
Here's the "diet secret" that keeps the ladies of Dancing With the Stars so svelte: DANCE FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. Moving on: "Octomom, The Nannies Tell All" gives more detail about why the Angels in Waiting nurses clashed with Nadya Suleman. Representatives from the organization claim that she was tipping off the media, that cameramen were telling nurses to "get out of the shot" while they were trying to care for the babies, and that there is no security in the home and anyone can just walk in. They say Nadya was always shopping, only took care of the babies when the cameras were on, and didn't bathe one baby for days. In other news, Bridget Moynahan isn't amused by Gisele Bundchen's comment regarding her son Jack in Vanity Fair. Gisele said, "It's not like because somebody else delivered him that's not my child." Bridget and her friends are "in shock" since she's never met Gisele and a source says, "Gisele parades that kid for the pararazzi to show she's a family person." Stevie Nicks makes fun of some of her worst looks ever. (Fig. 1) Next: Us is calling out all of the other tabloids for recently running cover stories that weren't true. For the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't breaking up, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer weren't trying to conceive a baby, and Rihanna and Chris Brown did not have a secret wedding. They also show how OK! Photoshopped two pictures together to make it look like Suri and Shiloh were having a play date. A Jolie-Pitt source says, "Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend. Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!" In closing, John Mayer insulted Jennifer Aniston on a five-day cruise with his fans aboard the "Mayercraft Carrier 2." He debuted a song about an anonymous needy lover, and admitted to making out with Jen's "nemesis" by which the mag means Perez Hilton. "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," Mayer told the crowd, "I just wanted to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away screaming just to prove a point."
Grade: D- (Favorite character diagnosed with brain tumor)

Life & Style
"Twilight Fight!" claims that Robert Pattinson is intimidated by the set of younger, buffer actors playing werewolves in New Moon. No actual fisticuffs have ensued, but they've been telling the press that Rob is smelly and Ryan Seacrest told one of the new stars, Kellan Lutz, "Rob is the lead,m but you're the better-looking Cullen." Also, Kristen Stewart is friends with Taylor Lautner, so the mags are going to say she's cheating on her boyfriend with him now instead of Rob. Moving on: Angelina is on an extreme diet. On the set of Salt she had her assistant put a single small salted pretzel on a plate and bring it to her for a snack. Sources on the crew haven't seen her eating much else. It's not the first time she's done this. "Angelina calls it 'movie dieting'" says a friend. "She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Jessica Alba won't eat white food. Anything with sugar or flour isn't allowed in the house. "Jamie Kennedy: How he scored his dream girl" never exactly says that Jennifer Love Hewitt is out of his league, but the accompanying graphic of other normal looking guys and their hotter ladies gets the message across (Fig. 2) There's more on Nadya Suleman's alleged lack of parenting skills. Angels in Waiting lawyer Gloria Allred says, "The babies appeared to be treated as props after their feedings." As for the older kids, an insider says, "They run around in the same dirty clothes, underwear, and socks for days at a time. And when Nadya gets overwhelmed, she locks herself in a closet and talks on the phone." Britney Spears' dad is angry about her leaked phone message. "He was considering ending the conservatorship when she wrapped her tour, but now he may change his mind," says an insider, "He's freaked that Britney will stop paying him and kick him to the curb." Paris Hilton has dumped her BFF, Brittany Flickinger, who she found on a reality show. "All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris' mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money," says a source. "She was another one of these girls using Paris to get famous." In Dr. Rey's casebook the bad doctor is once again using the fine film Face/Off as the inspiration for "Who has the most flawless face?" This time, Cameron Diaz would look would look better with Gwyneth Paltrow's skin grafted onto her face. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (Lead actor leaves to make a movie)

Star
"Tori anorexic? 98lbs." Of course the personal trainer who estimated her weight doesn't treat Tori. Candy Spelling has written a tell-all book called Stories from Candyland in retaliation for her daughter's tell-all book, sTori Telling and Tori's so upset she can't eat. "Tori's so stressed over her mom's new book, she has no appetite but is still exercising every day. Her friends are all worried that she may be anorexic. She's now down to a size zero," says a source. But if Spelling is trying to get back at her estranged mother, it's not working. "Candy actually thinks Tori looks good like this," says a source. "She always told her daughter it's best to be thin." Blind item: Which smack-talking rapper is very in touch with his feminine side? During a recent trop to Vegas, he got a luxe mani-pedi at Michael Boychuk's AMP Salon in the Palms hotel. And when he hit Cirque du Soleil's O, he wore a huge afro wig! At least his girlfriend didn't seem to mind his look. Last week Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal annoyed their fellow diners in Paris by making out like teenagers at a restaurant and feeding each other pieces of chocolate mousse. Next: Sources claim that Jennifer Aniston is desperate to arrange a meeting with Brad Pitt since they are both staying in New York. So desperate in fact, that she's made two appointments at the Waldorf-Astoria's spa, hoping that she might run into Brad. It's unclear why she went through all the trouble, since she also called Brad and he said he'd love to get together and chat. Then he told Angie and she "yelled at him for half an hour," according to an insider. "She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'we are leaving the city right now!'" says the source. She told the kids to pack their bags and the brood sped off to their rented Long Island estate in an SUV sans Brad. Angie said they need a break. Don't tell the kids about this (probably fake) separation. They don't want them to know because, a source says, "It would upset them too much."
Grade: D+ (Unsatisfying series finale)

In Touch
"Loving Mother or ... MOM FROM HELL?" This story takes us "inside Octomom's crazy world," with exclusive pictures of six of her octuplets piled on her bosom, the babies lined up in their crib, and her holding one baby in the palm of her hand. In addition to complaints by Angels in Waiting published by every mag this week, In Touch goes the extra mile and chats up her neighbors. One says, "The woman is completely nuts. She thinks she's famous. She doesn't know that people are laughing at her, that she's a freak." Also, an insider says that a deal is in place for Nadya to be filmed for a reality show as soon ash the last two babies come home. "Octomom" won't appear in the title because she hates the name. "It's about Nadya trying to raise 14 children while looking for love," the insider explains. Next: Angelina feels threatened by Natalie Portman starring with Brad Pitt in the new film Important Artifacts because Natalie is beautiful, educated, six years younger than Angie, and single. "In Angelina's mind, it isn't at all far-fetched that Brad could fall for Natalie and leave her the way he did Jen," says a source. A relationship expert who doesn't treat Angie agrees: "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." A source claims Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camila Alves. She's been spotted wearing a yellow-diamond engagement ring. Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance, Ross McCall is upset that she's started dating co-star Jamie Kennedy only three months after they broke up. "He feels that Jamie always flirted with Jennifer around him, and now he is wondering to his friends if this romance actually began while they were still together. He is very upset," says a friend. Moving on: Are Lindsay Lohan's habits ruining her looks? A pal says she looks "skinny and run-down" because she is "always smoking and eating crappy food." Maybe Lindsay's partying is taking a toll, but the "obvious creases" "forehead lines" and "dark circles" that the mag so helpfully points out may be a result of being human. (Fig. 4) Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have split up, according to In Touch, but only because they have a $200,000 deal with another tabloid to deliver four cover stories and they have already done three, including the fake elopement. "The actual story has be written for weeks," a friend reveals, adding that "they'll get back together," as long as the price is right. Finally, the mag reports that there's a "trendy cosmetic procedure that's sweeping Hollywood: bangs!" Apparently stars like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, and Sarah Jessica Parker are wearing bangs so they don't have to shell out for Botox on their foreheads in these hard economic times.
Grade: C- (Anti-drug episode)

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But who can be expected to do a good job as a one-man show in the swiftly professionalizing business of pretending to be an amateur? Even the gossips aren't doing the gossiping themselves. Even Perez Hilton is too busy hobnobbing with the people he ostensibly writes about to personally deface their photos anymore. It's understandable. Being yourself online is a full-time job. Ideally, for someone else.

The notion that blogs and Twitter will replace gossip has been around for a while. What's left for the tabloids if the stars reveal everything themselves? The gossip rags ought to fade away as celebrities interact with fans directly, and tell their stories their own way. Or so goes the webheads' theory.

But as Hollywood actors and musicians adopt Twitter en masse, the theory's getting a real-time test — and proving wanting. It turns out that media gatekeepers were really saving celebrities from themselves. As anyone who's written a magazine profile knows, what editors and readers want is an appealing, well-told story — not a numbing stream of trivia. And that means discarding far more material than one can ever use.

Facebook, Twitter blogs, and other media of the moment are a repository for that cutting-room floor — the ephemeral discards of mostly mundane lives. One man's trash is sometimes another man's treasure. But more often, it's just trash.

"It's inherently silly and it's inherently dumb," John Mayer, the musician and former Jennifer Aniston paramour told E! last week. Wise of Mayer to figure this out, though a bit late, since his Twitter addiction reportedly spurred his most recent breakup with Aniston. Mayer's smart enough to realize that Twitter is making him look like a fool to loved ones and strangers alike — but not smart enough to stop using it.

Courtney Love, meanwhile, is getting sued by a designer, Dawn Simorangkir, whose wares she once fancied, over ranting comments the professional Kurt Cobain widow left on MySpace and Twitter. Love has never been known for her self-control: Witness her unprovoked '90s-era rant about cheese, unleashed on an unsuspecting zine editor. But media which enable her to talk unfiltered 24/7 give us all too much insight into an obviously unbalanced mind.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton likewise have done themselves no favors in their blogging habits. Far from correcting their louche reputations, their overshares have cemented it.

Then there's the notion that fans would just sit back and receive all this information without comment. Jamie Spears, Britney's dad, is suing BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fan site, for allegedly invading his daughter's privacy. "I will destroy your ass!" Jamie Spears reportedly told BreatheHeavy webmaster Jordan Miller. (In fact, Jamie Spears may be mad about BreatheHeavy's aggressive questioning of the conservatorship arrangement under which he controls his daughter's finances.)

What's the solution? These people all need professional help. But since they're unlikely to spend the time they need on the psychiatrist's couch, they'll doubtless end up hiring assistants adept in social media. Ghostwritten Twitters are the hot new Hollywood must-have.

Every tweet will be media-coached. Every blog will be relentlessly edited — and then have typos inserted for authenticity. (Is that why someone pretending to be Rachael Ray consistently misspelled the cooking-show personality's name on a Yahoo blog?) The kids who are pretending to be celebrities on Twitter today will no doubt get paid to do it in the future.

Hilariously incompetent flack Jonathan Jaxson, who recently settled his legal spat with client Kim Zolciak of real Housewives of Atlanta, seems to be a pioneer here — in the sense that all pioneers get arrows in their back.

(Photo of Mayer by Getty Images; Spears by X17 Online)

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

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Life & Style
"Finally, A Baby!" The only cover not to focus on Rihanna features an absurd story that claims Jennifer Aniston is trying to get pregnant because she's been visiting Dr. Mary C. Kerr, the "ob-gyn to the stars." She's so serious about having a baby that she invited Kerr to her birthday party, since everyone knows socializing with your doctor increases your fertility. Except, she's been seeing Kerr for years and the doctor was probably at the party because she's married to the producer of Jen's next movie. Moving on: Poor Gisele Bundchen. Before her wedding to Tom Brady she was forced to use the public bathrooms in the elementary school attached to the church. A student reports, "she was laughing and looked happy." Rihanna took Chris Brown back partly because she cares about him, and partly "because she can't bear the thought of him with another girl." An insider says, "Rihanna's promised to do everything she can to get Chris off the hook legally ... She's even instructed family members to speak out in full support of her decision." Her team is worried fans will turn on her for taking him back, but she won't listen to anyone. Next: Here's an update on Robert Pattinson's terribly tragic life. He's been flirting with every girl he comes into contact with, and a friend says, "He goes home with a lot of different girls." But the pal adds: "He's not sure who wants to date him for him - and who wants to date him just because he's famous." The next story is pretty much summed up in the title: "Britney begs: Daddy, set me free!" Dr. Drew and his wife Susan, who are the parents of triplets, have reached out to Nadya Suleman. They dropped off a case of powdered Similac and 400 diapers. But, they say that doesn't mean they agree with what Suleman did. Doug Reinhardt bought Paris Hilton a $10,000 dog. Beyonce, Gisele Bundchen, and Kim Kardashian like spicy food, and the magazine claims it's because hot food speeds up your metabolism. Finally, Dr. Rey's heinous casebook asks, "Who has the best chest in Hollywood?" The bad doctor says Kim Kardashian's 34Ds are "fabulous," but Sarah Jessica Parker's 34Cs looked "squished" at the Oscars. Also, Lauren Conrad would look better with Nicole Richie's boobs. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (Flipping over the game board in disgust)

OK!
Though this cover promises "exclusive first photos of Rihanna in Miami with Chris," the lone picture of the couple at the Miami airport is so blurry that none of their facial features are distinguishable. (Fig. 2) The blobs may be holding hands, but the mag helpfully drew a giant arrow on the pictures so even that's unclear. The accompanying article talks about how Diddy felt compelled to help the two lovebirds out because, according to a friend of Diddy's, "While he doesn't condone Chris's behavior, he believes people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance." Also, Chris is recording his next CD and a friend reports, "He's been writing the things bottled up in his mind." Ugh. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston told OK! "I am totally over Brad." Who knows when she said it, but according to the mag, Angie and Jen's Oscar night non-run in "brought a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the near half-decade of coy quips." Jeremy Piven was spotted eating calamari salad and tuna tartare. In the story "NO Engagement Ring For Jess" the mag prints this sentence: "Tony Romo refuses to 'put a ring on it.'" Finally, there's a two page spread titled, "Is LC the New Jen?" Both Lauren Conrad and Jennifer Aniston have had their heart broken, love the beach, and date their co-stars. So obviously, that's a yes.
Grade: D- (Missing puzzle pieces)

Us
"Rihanna Her Side" mostly reveals how upset her friends and family are about her decision to take Chris Brown back. One disgusted friend says Chris gave her a diamond bracelet. "It's his way of saying sorry. She's worth more than that," says the friend. Rihanna's mom, Beyonce, and Oprah have reached out to Rihanna but she's not listening. Jay-Z is trying to set up a meeting for her with Tina Turner. Another insider says Rihanna is using makeup to cover up her injuries and she thinks her nose is uneven now so she's considering a nose job. Us notes that while last week, Star claimed that Rihanna is pregnant, they could only find one source to confirm the story, saying, "they have been talking nonstop because she's expecting and trying to figure out what to do with the baby." In an exclusive interview, Lauren Conrad talks about leaving The Hills and as the mag says, "hanging up her headband." Gisele Bundchen didn't tell anyone in her family about her secret wedding to Tom Brady. A source says, "many of us are angry." Bridget Moynahan is also annoyed because Tom didn't tell her he was taking their son to his wedding when he picked him up, and Bridget introduced him to the church they got married at, and she still goes there. On the bright side, Gisele wore a custom designed Dolce & Gabanna gown and the mag has a blurry picture. (Fig. 3) Finally, there is a 47 question crossword puzzle devoted entirely to Jennifer Aniston. Here's 32 down: Four letters, "Jen's breasts are ____"
Grade: D (Dog eating your Monopoly money)

In Touch
In "Why We Got Back Together" an insider describes Chris and Rihanna's reunion: "They were crying and hugging and kissing. It was a tender moment. You can tell they are really in love, in spite of what may have happened. Chris kept saying over and over again how much he loves her." Though they were at Sean Combs Miami mansion, a friend insists Diddy didn't try to reunite Chris and Rihanna saying, "He had nothing to do with it." So, they just broke in to his house? A sidebar says: "Fans are disappointed with Rihanna." Fans like those on JEZEBEL.COM. (Fig. 4) We've finally arrived! Moving on: "Jon and Kate [of Plus 8 fame]'s marriage is falling apart." Jon has been spending time at his mom's house three hours from his home with Kate, and partying with local college kids. He was overheard telling a girl he was hitting on, "we might be getting a divorce," and, "Kate is a bitch. She's so compulsive and Type A." Jennifer Aniston checked into a Paris hotel she stayed at five years ago with Brad, because clearly she's still in love with him. Portia de Rossi says that she and Ellen are not trying to get pregnant. It "could not be further from the truth," she says. "The IVF story was just completely made up." Dina Lohan and Lindsay's friends are planning an intervention to urge her to go back to rehab. A witness says she's a "walking skeleton" and she's been partying non-stop, accompanying Sam to DJ gigs. "Lindsay has always said her issue was not with alcohol, so she is fine to drink," says a friend, "she thinks she can control it." Next: Brad and Angelina's brood is "getting in the way of the romance." Were you aware that Angelina isn't as sexy as she once was? (Fig. 5) Nicole Kidman was wearing a loose fitting dress, so she must be pregnant. It's the same logic behind the full page diagram "Pizza or Pregnant." (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (Spilling Scrabble tiles on the floor)

Star
SECRET WEDDING! Chris "literally fell to his knees," tearfully apologizing when he was first reunited with Rihanna. An insider says, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Yes, the mag actually gives a romanticized account of their reunion. Another source says he told her she was his "queen" and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. The mag writes: "She saw remorse in his eyes and accepted his apology and proposal on the spot." They exchanged vows before a priest, and though the wedding wasn't exactly legal, they are planning to have another ceremony soon. Also, the mag zooms in on an often reprinted photo of Rihanna on the red carpet the day before the beating, revealing that she had a suspicious cut on her wrist at the time. (Fig. 7) Moving on: Salma Hayek married Francois-Henri Pinault because she wants to have another baby. An insider says Pinault, "adores [their daughter] Valentina. But he cherishes his freedom. He doesn't want to be tied down with dirty diapers and late-night feedings." Their solution was to get married, on the condition that Salma be the primary caregiver to both the kids and live in L.A. while he stays in Paris. Oprah is turning to hypnotism to lost weight. "While in an trance, Oprah will be asked to recall childhood memories of the first time she was tempted by fattening goodies." Blind item: Which pretty twenty-something actress recently got dumped by her reality TV star boyfriend - and consoled herself by jumping into bed with another small-screen hunk? More on "Jon - Minus Kate, Plus 8." In addition to partying with college students on several occasions, Jon Gosselin went out to dinner with his mom and demanded a different waitress because he wanted another woman who was younger and more attractive. Jon's mom flipped when he started flirting with a divorced woman at the bar and was overheard saying, "Stop acting like a fool. I will not cover for you!" Jon left with the woman, but they got into a fight at a nearby bar and he left her "crying hysterically." Next: Though Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement, she slept at the house they shared for two nights after they officially split. A friend says: "Megan can't cut Brian out of her life cold turkey because the sex is too good!" In closing, the six page story "Look Who's Twittering Now!" delves into the social networking habits of John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Lily Allen, and admitted Twitter addict Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: C (Cramming extra kids into your car in the Game of Life)


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• "Yes, her big, enormous coattails!" Joop shrieked. Then he snatched a hoop and stick away from some German schoolchildren, pointed and laughed at an Asian baby wearing a hat, jumped into his teeny-tiny car and sped off into the Black Forest, where he lives in a crumbling candy house. [P6]
• Apparently Sarah Jessica Parker got Anna Wintour to crack a smile at Fashion Week. They were at the Alexander Wang show. So... you know. Or, SJP ran around the tent faster and faster, while Russian circus music blared fuzzily on the speakers overhead. [Gatecrasher]
• Lily Allen likes drugs and likes to talk about them, especially in regard to your children and whether or not they should do them: "Parents should say, ‘Drugs might seem fun, but they do funny things to your brain. Some people react to it good, some don't. Try it and see what you think,'" she told a Dutch magazine recently. Which is actually sound advice, except you might inadvertently be telling your child to do heroin. Which, last time I checked, not many people had reacted "good" to. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Brown says he is sorry for maybe hitting his girlfriend Rihanna, and that he is seeking the counsel of his pastor and mother. We'd suggest he seek the counsel of, you know, counsel. [Sun]
• On Valentine's Day, Britney Spears drove around town in her Mini Cooper convertible, an unidentified man seated next to her. When asked who he was, Spears responded "Oh you could see him too?? Oh, phew. OK. No, no. It's nothing. I just... I was just worried it was happening again." [Sun]
• British singer Duffy spent Valentine's Day exactly like you did. Wearing a pink wig, surrounded by a bunch of gay dudes. [Mirror]
• Salma Hayek married a French tycoon in Paris over the weekend. Insiders at the ceremony say that the priest had Hayek say her vows over a few times, trying to get her to be "a little less wooden" each time. [Us]

• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

Cyrus apparently made the argument on her official "Mileyworld" site, which is virtually impossible to navigate (and we also think we may have violated Megan's Law by attempting to do so). So, we're just going to take Us Weekly's word on the matter—though we're amused that the former headline still presented in the Us URL, "Miley Cyrus Apologizes for Controversial Photos, Kind Of," has had its last snarky comment chopped off:

Miley Cyrus is finally speaking out on controversial photos that show her using her fingers to make her eyes slant, which is considered degrading to Asian people.

"I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!" she writes on her official fansite.

"In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy?" she adds. "It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of [sic] been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!"

Cyrus continues: "I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha

Truly, it's a shame that Britney's attempts at coherent sentences and a respectable weave have forced the media to scrutinize each and every out-of-context racial caricature made by one miss Hannah Montana. We'd advise Miley to lay low for a little bit, and save her heart-warming power ballad "Don't Jews Like Money?" until Britney executes her next, inevitable slip-up.

• Miley Cyrus Apologizes for Controversial Photos [Us]

Now Lutfi has shot back with a lawsuit claiming "libel, defamation, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress and breach of contract," stemming in part from his depiction in Lynne Spears's memoir of stagemother survival, Through the Storm. But how does battery fit into this?

In the lawsuit, Sam claims he was standing in Britney's kitchen on January 29, 2008 when Jamie [Spears, Britney's father] stormed into the house. Lutfi alleges Jamie yelled at him, claiming Sam made a rude comment to Lynne the night before. Then, Sam claims, Jamie "intentionally punched him in the chest" and threatened to kill him if he ever heard Sam make a rude comment about Lynne or any member of the Spears family again.

Which Lutfi did, at which point Britney's four-foot-wide, razor-toothed vagina clamped down on his legs. He survived, but doctors say he may never walk again. Don't mess with the Spears. They may not have sprinkle-cheese, but they got teeth.

• Sam Lutfi Sues Britney Spears [TMZ]