But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

Last April, Bret said that his hair is "combined of my [natural] hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without [the bandanna] on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, 'Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.' It is my signature thing."

We did some investigating, and that shit doesn't look like extensions, but a straight-up wig — one that seems to be getting fuller, longer, and waxier as time goes by. Let's take a look at two decades worth of Bret's hair.

We know what he used to look like back in the day, when all he needed was some hairspray and a pick to get such volume.









But there has been a clear evolution in wig thickness just over the course of the three seasons of Rock of Love.
Season 1



Season 2



Season 3



It's now flowing.






This is probably the closest thing to his real hair, circa 2001.



And circa 2004.



These extensions from 2005 are very realistic.



But he quickly moved onto this look.



Which somehow turned into Fergie-with-a-goatee.



He has attempted to go sans bandanna a few times over the years, but the results are decidedly unfavorable.












This is our guess at what the true texture and thickness of his natural hair would be.

According to VH1's clever press release, adorned with just as many giddy enthusiastic announcements punctuated by everyone's favorite online stupidity signifier (the! exclamation!! point!!!), the new Rock Of Love: Bus With Bret Michaels edition is far more exciting than its predecessors because the contestants will face challenges dealing with "the ultimate rock and rollers' test: life on the road!" So, instead of being forced to wear laughably too-tight football uniforms or perform public lap dances in tacky lingerie boutiques for the world's sexiest man to ever wear that much collagen on his face without shame, the troubled young things will get to prove their groupie gusto by, well, playing groupies. "Dodging the warm-up band's advances," "greeting aggressive" fans "with a smile," and, shit — we spoke too soon. In the finest example of what our great nation does best, the busty dingbats will still have the joy of participating in Mud Bowl 3. Why? It's "back by popular demand!!!!!!!!!"

• 'ROCK OF LOVE 3': IT'S ON...WITH BRET! [VH1]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

boomp3.com

Actress Sophie Monk, who's perhaps best known for dating that one guy from Good Charlotte and more recently pint size American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrest, was accosted by a homeless woman in Beverly Hills. The homeless woman told Monk that she could do so much better than Seacrest and some mall punk guy. Monk played dumb as the woman literally attempted to shake some sense into her. "You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't settle now because other wise you're going to end up on Vh1 trying to date Bret Michaels or, worse, Artie Lange."

[Photo Credit: X17]

boomp3.com

Here's how I imagine the greatest moment in the history of Vh1 will go down: One of those strippers on Rock of Love 2 will "accidentally" knock Bret Michaels' ten gallon hat from his melon just a split-second before a sudden gust from the Santa Ana's blows off his Real World-esque bandana, at which point the camera whip pans to finally reveal what lies beneath his formerly infallible do rag. Namely, a patch work of bald spots, hair plugs and horse hair extensions. Mama's fallen angel, indeed. End scene.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

While most of Bret Michael's sex objects love interests looked desperately uncomfortable without a pole to cling to, Bret (having left his bifocals at home so as not to scare off the young chippies) seems to be pleased with anything they do, as long as it involves jiggling (when his only reaction to a grown woman doing The Worm is to comment on how much he enjoys seeing her "large, lovely breasts" smash onto the floor, we know we're in trouble). But we can only wonder about the simmering anger issues of the crew members who decided to toss into the suggestion bowl such sexy dance suggestions as The Lawnmower and The Grocery Cart. Sadly, such desperate attempts to quash Bret Michael's testosterone and ego-fueled midlife crisis will have to find a much, much colder glass of water to throw on these proceedings to dampen his desire. We're thinking a night of the comedy stylings of Rosie O'Donnell and some gay porn, but even that may not be enough.