Granted, everything will change as more reviews trickle in — but not necessarily for the worst. In any case, maybe Boll — not Roland Emmerich — is the ideal Euro-hack to helm that forthcoming $200 million Cusack apocalypse flick. At this rate, he may be Sony's only hope with the critics.

• 'Postal' [Rotten Tomatoes]

We don't necessarily believe for a second that Bay has green lit a boxing match with Uwe Boll, but that's kind of the best part: Within a few days we'll either see Boll sued for the unauthorized use of Bay's likeness to promote Postal, or we'll hear Bay is fighting Boll this fall — the culmination of a dream beating we've anticipated since way, way back six days ago. (And Bay will still sue Boll in the interim.) We literally cannot lose.

A natural opportunist, Boll is hedging his bets in the Los Angeles County courts, where he and Zane will also square off in a civil contest seeking restitution for a distribution deal gone bad —

Director Uwe Boll has sued actor Billy Zane in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming he's owed at least $700,000 in revenues from the 2006 boxoffice flop Bloodrayne.

Boll claims in the April 30 filing that Zane was the one who suggested Romar Entertainment handle distribution of the film. Zane and Romar principal James Schramm allegedly promised the film would open in 2,000 theaters and that a $10 million advance from Boll would be used for advertising and promotion. But at least $900,000 was paid out to Zane and Schramm and the movie opened in only 950 theaters, Boll claims.

• Uwe Boll Sues Billy Zane [THR]

• Postal [Movieset]

[I]t's my message to Michael Bay, Michael, in between your pool parties in LA or your casting sessions with the strippers you should start training now. And I'm sure you look good, you look thin. I saw you at the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you're a fit guy and you do like private karate Asia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you're super cool that you do that with your 500 bucks per hour trainer.

So let's meet in the ring in September or October. Pay-per-view. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. Twelve rounds of boxing. Boll against Bay.

If we're not sick of either man by then, we'll consider attending. Meanwhile, the Uwe Boll Movie Challenge is one step closer to legitimacy this morning as we hear that Boll himself — who classically derided the usage of ketchup, little brothers and "bullshit name[s] out of the Internet" among his haters' own film oeuvres — has signed on to judge short films employing those criteria.

Two days after laying his challenge down, proprietor Matthew Dessem tells Defamer HQ that there are still no prizes, but he's being hard on himself: Think of the distinction of having your work ridiculed by a man whom 224,285 people (and counting) have asked to stop making movies. "This is a big step toward my ultimate goal: becoming a footnote on Uwe Boll's Wikipedia entry," Dessem adds. We're glad to help, Matt! Now if we could just find a little brother, our own filmmaking fantasies could be complete.

• Boll/Bay Showdown [Movieset]
• Now With Even More Uwe Boll! [UBMC]

To compete in the Uwe Boll Movie Challenge, you must create a short film that meets the following guidelines:

-It must be made at home.
-You must use ketchup.
-You must use a little brother.
-You must not use some bullshit nickname out of the internet.
-You have until May 16th.

Beyond that, anything goes. You don't have to use Mini-DV. If you don't have a little brother, you can use someone else's. ... The filmmakers Boll has called out (Michael Haneke, Tom Twyker, Gus Van Sant, Steven Spielberg, Eli Roth, George Clooney, and especially Michael Bay) are encouraged to enter.

Naturally, in keeping with the full trajectory of a Uwe Boll enterprise, there are no awards to be won, except maybe an honorary petition to urge the winning filmmakers to stop making movies. Hell, we'd take it.

• The Uwe Boll Movie Challenge

I don't even know why you get off on me like crazy because I'm not in the Hollywood system. I'm the opposite basically, and maybe this is the reason that you all hate me so much, because I prove that you can do it outside the system and you can come up with cheap excuse why you never make it. You are not able to make more than your mini-DV video at home with ketchup and your little brother, so I really think you should wake up at one point and you should put your jealous situation away. And if you write me, you don't write me with some bullshit nicknames out of the internet. Write me with your name and address so that I can track you down and rip you apart. Thank you.

No, Dr. Boll, thank you. Thank. You.

• EXCLUSIVE: Uwe Boll has a message for all the 'Boll haters' [YouTube]

I want that there's a petition also out there — like a pro-Boll petition — and I expect a million votes pro-Boll. And I hope somebody will set it up and you all start signing it, because look: I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business, or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius, you know?

And if you go on May 23 [to] Postal you will see that I deliver a movie that nobody else delivered in the last 10 years, what is way better as all that social-critic, George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend. You have to really wake up, and you have to see me what I am: I am the only genius in the whole fucking business. Goodbye.

• Exclusive: Uwe Boll responds to online petition [Movienet]