1.) Behind the Music: Bobby Brown



Despite the fact that Whitney's comeback album and big interview on Oprah is what's renewed the public's interest in Bobby Brown, none of that was mentioned. In fact, when he did speak of Whitney, he wasn't exactly diplomatic.

They were both fucked up during that marriage. After getting addicted to cocaine and heroin, Bobby says that he doesn't remember an entire five-year block of time.

2.) Seth MacFarlane dropped the F-bomb live on E!'s Emmys red carpet show.
And the censors were too slow on the uptake to bleep it.

3.) Michael Jackson's illegitimate sister's first-ever TV interview
Joh'Vonnie Jackson, 31, is Joe Jackson's lovechild who was evidently always known about and even invited to a family reunion at Neverland.

4.) In other fucked-up showbiz family news
While on Oprah on Wednesday, Mackenzie Phillips thought this anecdote about Mick Jagger would lighten the mood set by her incest bombshell, but the audience was too freaked out.

5.) Synergy of #3 and #4
The Insider presents Mack and Mike, together, singing a song about addiction…to junk food.

6.) Lara Spencer's spot gets blown up.

7.) Language arts with The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Alternate way of saying "tardy for the party":

Alternate way of saying "STFU":

Alternate way of saying "vagina":

8.) Wendy Williams sucks at American history.

9.) Khloe Kardashian ponders one of life's big questions.

10.) Senior citizens in a strip club
A strip club in Florida offers senior citizens free flu shots and a buffet lunch.

Free food, meds and tits? This guy is probably wondering if he died already, 'cause he's in heaven.

1.) Janice Dickinson
The Insider has a new format sort of based on The View's "Hot Topics," in which the "news" correspondents and a celebrity guest debate bullshit tabloid stuff. The show describes it as "entertainment news with opposing views." Janice Dickinson was the guest on Wednesday, and they really need to just give her the job permanently, because she has finally found her perfect calling.

On Jon Gosselin:

On Whitney Houston:

On confusing saying the word "jackass" and acting like one:

2.) Bobby Brown's body is "pure"

What does Janice think of him?

3.) New Judge Judy episodes!
It's been a cruel summer without some new JJ. Thankfully the new season has returned to dispense the most practical advice in the world.

4.) "Get off your period, dude."
On The Real World: Cancun reunion show, Emilee almost got all L7.

5.) Police work stinks for women

6.) Why did Kim look like Dracula's girlfriend?

Oh, and of course, this.

7.) "Get ready for the fashion show!"

8.) They're just not that into you.
On True Life: I'm Polyamorous, three gay men were in one relationship with each other, but one of them is totally the outcast.

The outcast's solution was to add one more guy into the mix, to a balance. Once he found a suitable candidate, he brought him home to meet his boyfriends, and it all worked out for the best.

9.) How not to raise children.

10.) Paula Abdul

She needs a pageant mom for some stability.

Q: How bad did it get with the drugs?
A: "We were payin' money."


Q: When did the drugs start?
A: Time is categorized as either "Before The Bodyguard" or "After The Bodyguard."


Q: What did she do when she was high?
A: Read the bible.


Q: What did Bobby Brown do when he was high?
A: Arts and crafts.


Q: How frequently did she do drugs while filming The Preacher's Wife?
A: Every day.


Q: Was Bobby Brown jealous of her?
A: Hell to the yes.


Q: Does Whitney still worry about pleasing Bobby?
A: Hell to the no.
Q: Was Bobby Brown Abusive?
A: Emotionally, yes.


Q: Did Whitney realize what she was getting herself into when she signed up for Being Bobby Brown?
A: Hell to the no.


Q: What was Whitney's drug of choice?
A: Bobby.

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice...At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine."

Well, Whitney may have (allegedly) seduced the helpless Bobby into a lifetime of nose candy and mood stabilizing clouds of laughy time, but she also let him cheat! As Bobby puts it, "women are always throwing themselves at you. I'm only human, so I would make the mistake and bite the hook sometimes." Note yet another great little nugget. "Bite the hook" is the new, way cooler "bite the bullet." And though Brown says their union was "doomed" from the get-go, we have a feeling those fifteen years of marital bliss spent on drugs and in other girls' beds were pretty much the best years of his life. Now all he's got is a lousy book, and we all know no one reads those things anymore.

[Photo Credit: celebrity-gossip.net]

• 'WHITNEY DROVE ME TO DRUGS' [NY Post]

"None of it's true. I went in for a checkup. The doc gave me a clean bill of health." [...]

"I did go to the hospital ... to just get a checkup, get everything tested out so that I could go on this tour, and everything is fine," Brown said.

He must be afraid that if the public perceives him as having a bum ticker, they might start thinking he's a generally troubled individual. Don't worry, Bobby. We'd never think that about you. Whatever happens to your heart, that's your prerogative. And look on the bright side— at least you didn't have a dootie-bubble stuck in your butt.

• Bobby Brown Denies Having Heart Attack [Us Weekly]

"I have not seen or spoken to my daughter since early June and I have no prospect of speaking to her anytime soon due to Whitney's actions," Brown declared in Orange County Superior Court filings released last week.

During a court hearing in April, Houston testified that Brown was "unreliable" and that she didn't need spousal or child support.

Brown disputes her claim, saying he's been involved in their daughter's life and was her primary caretaker when the couple lived in Atlanta.

When Houston moved to Orange County to undergo drug rehabilitation, Brown said he paid about $10,000 for his wife and daughter to stay at a posh hotel.

"At the same time, I basically lived out of my car," Brown said.

Although it seems cruel that he wants to confront Bobbi Kristina more regularly with the sad truth of her DNA, the important question remains: Without him in her life, who will probe her doodie bubbles? Is he paranoid about competition in that department from the spindly digits of absentee prospective stepfather Osama bin Laden? If so, don't sweat it, Bobby. That dude seems squeamish.

• Houston, Brown in custody battle [abcnews.com]

Brown said in Melbourne: "I figure if Bin Laden wants me, and everybody is looking for him, it probably won't happen. But if he wants to try and find me for something so stupid, he can do what he wants. I have to leave it in the hands of my higher power.

"Come on, if anybody [else was] threatened by Al Qaeda, they'd take it seriously."

Ticketbuyers didn't and showed up, but they didn't take Brown seriously, either.

The singer took off his shirt at one point "unveiling his sweaty, abdominally challenged torso [and mysteriously wet crotch]" and the audience screamed with laughter, but were dead silent when he tried to get them to do a "call and response," wrote one reviewer in the Herald Sun.

It's a perfect storm of soap opera cliches: a woman and two men, one of whom is frequently presumed dead and then presumed alive again; kinky intimate practices; divorce; bigamy; the threat of a beheading; and of course incontinence. Hopefully the self-proclaimed World's Greatest Entertainer's livelihood won't be threatened by these fear-induced bladder seizures, although ripping off his shirt cleverly makes him more aerodynamic in the event that he must flee suddenly on foot.

• Bin There, Done That, Bobby [Dailynews.com]
• Osama Bin Laden Will Be Whitney Houston's Baby Tonight [Defamer]

Singer Whitney Houston will file for divorce from husband Bobby Brown. Houston's rep Nancy Seltzer confirms to TMZ that Houston intends to divorce Brown, and that filing for a separation is just a "legal technicality" on the way to divorce. Seltzer did not divulge any further details concerning where or when the filings were made, and calls to Brown's lawyer were not returned.

Devout Houston worshipper Osama bin Laden will be over the moon when the happy news finally arrives via Al-Qaeda footsoldier, and we imagine it's only a matter of days before a videotaped pledge of his devotion surfaces on Al Jazeera TV, in which he'll beg his beloved Whitney to "throw off the shackles of the Satanic American oppressor and be my Queen, as our souls reach a state of ultimate transcendence under the approving gaze of Allah. And let's face it, the guy was totally dragging your career into the crapper."

• BULLETIN: Whitney Houston To File For Divorce [TMZ.com]

• INSIDE WHITNEY'S DRUG DEN! [National Enquirer via Gawker]
• Previously: Whitney Houston: "I Will Always Love Blow" [Defamer]

• Mag: Whitney back on drugs, looks terrible [Inside Track]
• Previously: Being Bobby Brown : Can He Impregnate Us Now? [Defamer]

To be honest, we're completely over Being Bobby Brown. It could really use a little more assault, preferably of the Whitney-on-Bobby variety.

• R&B Singer Pleads Guilty to Assault Charge [AP]