If you're not familiar with Michelle Williams's tiny indie film Wendy and Lucy, let us summarize: Wendy (Michelle Williams), an impoverished young woman, drives to Alaska with her dog. The car breaks down. Not a whole lot else happens. So when we saw HuffPo blogger Michelle Renee title her newest post, "I Feel Like the Real Life Wendy and Lucy Story," we chuckled to ourselves. "You mean, nothing happens in your life, too?" we wondered. Well, actually, Renee's story is WAY, WAY DIFFERENT:

If the movie plot seems like an unrealistic one, I can tell you it isn't. My life seems like the real life Wendy story as written in my debut book, Held Hostage, which is not just about the crime that devastated my and my young daughter's life. Although a large portion of this true crime release focuses on the violent kidnapping, 14 hour hostage ordeal and my being forced by three masked gunmen (also gang members) to rob a bank to save our life, the aftermath and an incredible road trip from San Diego to Anchorage Alaska is written about in "such rich detail you feel as though you are in the car with her and her four legged companion" as one reviewer wrote.

I don't know what sparked "Wendy" to head for the majestic landscape of Alaksa but what sparked my needing to get out of Dodge was the threat of retaliation looming over our heads after the grand jury proceedings.

We're pretty sure we don't remember that part from Wendy and Lucy...deleted scenes, maybe? Though our favorite part of Renee's HuffPo entry are the random tags:

Broken Open, Dogs, Healing, Held Hostae, Michelle Renee, Michelle Williams, Movies, Movies And Entertainment, Pets, Scared, Wendy And Lucy, Entertainment News

It's a give-and-take, HuffPo bloggers: sure, you might not get pay or health care—but at least Arianna gives you a "scared" tag.

• I Feel Like the Real Life Wendy and Lucy Story [HuffPo]

The most painful thing about Blah Girls is how boring the Web series is. It's like the writers took all the jokes and memes from last year and rolled them into a Hills-like setting (complete with Hills-like pointlessness). Ashton may not realize that on the Internet, jokes have to be super current. Quips about Naomi Campbell throwing cell phones at people? So five minutes ago.

Aside from the moldy topics (including the fresh-from-2002-joke about Gwen Stefani not having pink hair anymore and living in London), the jokes are pretty flat. An example from the "Ex-patriots" episode:

Blah Girl: British guys are so hot! Prince William, Orlando Bloom, Harry Potter...
(A thought-bubble of Harry Potter holding a broom stick pops up)
Harry Potter (In an Elvis voice?): Rub my broomstick, baby.

Hilarious, right?

Another bizarre thing about the website is the racial stereotyping of the black Blah Girl, Tiffany:

Tiffany's bio reveals that her "current location" is "[her] hood" (that's how black people talk!), her biggest weaknesses are "limited edition sneakers" (another thing black people like, right?), and her biggest fear is "getting caught in crossfire." Wait, what?

The Blah Girls also include a token twee gay blogger named Stewart whose pink fauxhawk might lead one to believe that he's a biting satirical representation of Perez Hilton. But that would be expecting too much from this blog. Instead, Stewart is just a stereotypical flamboyant gay who is totes obsessed with clothes and his weight (his bio says that when he grows up he wants to "always be able to fit into skinny jeans") and he supplies the Blah Girls with their celebrity news (or something).

The site also has a heavy product placement deal with Vitamin Water. In the "Adoption" episode, Tiffany says that she wants to drink "Vitamin Water Formula 50" to be "cool like 50."

Hm, I wonder who the site's sponsors are?

Ah, that explains it.

There are some funny things on the site: One Blah Girls' dog is named "Botox." One Blah Girl complains that her step-mother burned down the family summer house after too many "Lexipro and Limoncello cocktails." A caption on a Michael Phelps photo in which he hugs a girl in a bikini reads, "Feel that? That's my ninth medal."

We'd like to think that the site could get funnier. But, since this concerns the doomed post-Punk'd combination of Ashton Kutcher and celebrities (remember Pop Fiction?), we'll pronounce Blah Girls dead on arrival.

Blah Girls
Dude, Is That Your Gossip Site? [Portfolio]

Apparently unconcerned with the prospects of inconveniencing his lunching companions at Orso, The Day The Earth Stood Still star Keanu Reeves took a phone call when the waiter was about to take everyone's order. Reeves told his friend on the other line that he was free to talk and talked for a couple of minutes in a fairly calm voice. One of his tablemates rolled their eyes as Reeves carried on his conversation, then whispered to the rest of the table, "I don't really mind him talking. I just wish it was something interesting, you know? So, I could have something to send into a cool blog or TMZ. You know, I want to be the cool person on the internet for a change." At which point one of the other leaned across the table, grabbed their hands and whispered, "One day, you will. Just not today. Now, could you please pass the olive oil?"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Hey Audrina...
Would you go on a date with me if i came to the West Coast?

I would show you a very nice time by taking you to get some cocktails (one or two somewhere very nice - your choice...)
Then I would love to take you to dine somewhere romantic...
Then maybe a movie? Or maybe a fire on the beach...hence some dessert! Maybe we can make smores, popcorn lol, or just whatever...
You are great
Ray ...

Undaunted by this offer of "popcorn lol" from Ray, commenter Cisco ups the ante by desperately begging for Patridge's gay table scraps:

Hey Audrina,
Since you live in L.A. and are on a show that films in primarily West Hollywood, where are your gays? I'm your biggest fan and always wondered how this show manages to keep the gay culture out of the scene. My gays and I love you and think your style is sickness. We just wondered if you ladies have a connection to the community here. Thoughts?

Here are some thoughts, Ray: Maybe you're giving gay people a bad name by throwing yourself at a vapid, C-list reality star and attempting to anoint her the next gay icon! Perhaps you should focus on the real issues, as with this Defamer-submitted question to Ms. Patridge: "Hey Audrina, couldn't your last name use another 'r'? It would really help keep us from misspelling it. LOL KTHNXBYE!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Ask Audrina [Audrina Patridge]

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.
The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up."
The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.
The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."
The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.
The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."
The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.
The Evidence: "You’re probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1’s Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I’m not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I’m on the fence with this one because girl’s got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that’s your real name, let’s clear this situation up. Send me nudes."
The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.
The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable — taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo — to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."
The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.
The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!
The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

Yesterday, celebrity gossipmonger and Photoshop enthusiast Perez Hilton posted a side-by-side of Demi/Bruce spawn Rumer Willis and Mr. Incredible from The Incredibles. Amusing perhaps, but a bit harsh considering her age and relative obscurity.

And when a blogger is photographed as often as Hilton is, it doesn't take long for something like above, sent in by a reader who wished to remain anonymous. Glass houses, rocks and whatnot.

Separated By A Chin [Perez HIlton]

Nancy Tellem, president of CBS Paramount Network Television Entertainment Group, said the blogs are a bonus for the network's viewers that reward their loyalty and interest. "Blogs are a great way to bring the millions of viewers who enjoy our programming into the creative process," she said.

Each show's blog is designed to reflect and extend the tone of the program. For example, the writers of freshman comedy "How I Met Your Mother" are creating Barney's Blog, using the voice of the character played by Neil Patrick Harris.

Pity the poor baby writer (or eager writers' assistant desperate for a chance to strut his stuff) trying to channel the voice of How I Met Your Mother's Doogie 2.0. But perhaps an even better illustration of CBS's blog abuse is Ghost Whisperer's online journal, which cries out to be written from the point of view of Jennifer Love Hewitt's spirit-detecting rack. Instead, we get dispatches from medium/charlatan co-executive producer James "Does Your Dead Mother's Name Start With An 'A'? No? How About A 'B'?'" Van Praagh:

Hi, I just got back from doing a round of publicity for Ghost Whisperer and it has been an incredible experience. Everyone loves the show and can't get enough of it. I have had so many people come up to me on the street and at airports telling me how they look forward to the next episode. I think this says a lot about the type of programming this is. I believe it not only entertains, but speaks to the person on a soulful level. Whether you are a believer or not, everyone is curious to know what happens after you die.

We'll venture a guess as to what's going to happen to us after we die: We'll be forced to read a neverending feed of blog posts by sitcom characters and spirit-channeling flim-flam artists, while having our genitals scorched with a red-hot fireplace poker. Sadly, it's not that different than a typical day at Defamer HQ.

• Blogs flesh out hit CBS shows [Reuters/THR]
• The Spirit World According To James Van Praagh [CBS.com]